Happy New Year

Hi everyone, k here. Just wanted to take a break from all the work i've been doing and wish you all an early Happy New Years!

I did get to open that mystery package from Irch on Christmas day, actually it was around midnight on Christmas Eve, so technically still on Christmas day. I think i'll wait though to tell you what it was until Irch is back.

He's on a little holiday trip, and won't be back until after the new year. I've been busy working on some assignments from Him though, so i am constantly thinking of Him. And thanks to His gift i can feel Him with me every minute of the day.

So i hope you will all have a very happy new year! And may this next year be even more exciting than this year past.

Happy Holidays

Many joyous tidings of the season to all. May you all find the thrilling happiness, the rich earthiness, the transcendent sublimity that My love and ownership of my k gives me.

I mailed my elfin girl a sack-o-presents, which she opened the other day, before heading home to be with her family. Well she opened all but on small special present, which I'm asking her to unwrap on Christmas morning. I love surprises, and even more I love making my impatient k wait for things sometimes. Delayed gratification = one of the most useful tools in the Dom toolbelt ( and yes I suppose the belt itself is useful from time to time as well, thanks for asking).

Hope you are all making merry, drinking hot cocoa, singing centuries-old songs, and generally having a lovely holiday!

In Praise of Smart Submissive Women

So like a lot of men, I've been attracted to smart women my whole life. That's just one of the million wonderful irresistible things about my spectacular k, of course, but one of extreme importance to me.

I should qualify that by saying not just "smarts," but what some people might call "book-smarts" are what turn me on most. Brilliance and originality and imagination for sure, but also the depth and breadth of understanding, the enjoyment of knowledge itself, a level of geekiness about subject matter, a flair for the metaphysical. This my clever k has in abundance.

And when it's on display and in evidence as much as it has been this past week or so, I am just constantly craving her. Rigid and thrumming and heated and coiled-to-strike every moment of the day.

I won't get into all the myriad reasons that hyper-intelligent women are so alluring, but I will say that in a D/s relationship like ours, that level of brain power is even more attractive... For example, do you know the feeling of "Wow this person who is so brilliant and amazingly smart actually wants to spend time with me!"? It's so flattering and wonderful to realize that a person you admire intellectually would choose you. Well, take that a step further into the D/s world, and it becomes "Wow this person who is so brilliant and amazingly smart actually wants to lay in my lap for a spanking, then kneel and beg to swallow my cum!"

Yep, definitely a whole different level of "wow."

Diligent k has been hard at work lately, working on scholarly things for her graduate school applications (which I try to help with as much as I can), so I'm getting to see some new expression of her genius every day. She's also been very diligent about following the time-frames I've set out for her, keeping up and making sure she'll have everything ready when the time comes to send in the forms and papers. The combination of her astounding brilliance and her steady obedience has kept me in sexual overdrive the last week or two. It's no surprise that we've been having some of the hottest, most intense scenes of the 15-odd months that she's been Mine.

Guess I have a brain fetish. Luckily I am with the right woman for that.

Braving the Elements

Well I think I've written here enough times about how I do love the phone sex with my brilliant k. Well one thing that hasn't happened as often as we'd like lately, is being on the phone together when we can both really be as loud as we want. Often I'm calling her when her housemates are within earshot, which means that she can't raise her voice too loud when speaking, and tries to keep those delicious moans, keens, and orgasmic wails as stifled as she can.

Yes, it can be arousing to feel her fight to control and constrain her own outbursts, but sometimes I really want to hear what she has to say beyond those (admittedly eloquent) gasps and whimpers. So last night, I asked her to go on a "car date" with me.

I drove my car out to a secluded spot, she did too. I looked at the moon through the clouds. We had a luxurious rich time together on the phone. I got to hear her call me her Master as she built to orgasm. She came, shatteringly. I came, explosively. We longed to be together, flesh to flesh, as we always do.

My devastatingly obedient k went out in very cold Texas winter weather to do this, late at night, simply because I asked. She didn't raise the slightest objection, but simply wanted it because I wanted it. And somehow her matter-of-factness about it was the thing that stunned me the most. I requested, and she complied, without question, despite the weather and the late hour and the fact that she'd have to make up some excuse to her roommates.

That is the kind of time-stopping moment that fills me with awe at her submission, reminds me of the heady responsibility that comes with being her Dom, shows me the profound power of our relationship, and turns me on like nothing else. So far past just fulfilling needs and base desires, our D/s is a mode of being, a way of living, a meaning within meanings.

I am so madly in love with my unique and glorious k.

Domly Pride

Well I am just ridiculously proud of my stunning k these days. She has made a serious commitment to getting graduate school applications out this year, and since the moment she reached the decision, she has been so dedicated to the goal. Just a wonderful whirlwind of activity, quite impressive to watch.

And of course I can't help but feel that big welling up of pride in my chest when I see her tackling these big difficult projects and putting so much of herself into the work. This is something that she doesn't have to do. She's doing it because she has the desire (and a willing mentor through the process), and she goes into it fully aware of the amount of effort it will take. The fact that she is taking time out of her other activities and pastimes to focus on this never fails to make me smile.

I've written here before about how this kind of pride is different from any other I've experienced. Obviously it's based on the kind of special feeling you get when the person you are in love with does something wonderful in the world. That's the basis, but it extends outward to other places too. There's a sort of teacher/student twist to it too, and of course an erotic component (Yes when she bears down and concentrates like she does, it makes me hard - I'm a freak like that). But it's beyond those things too.

k amazes constantly, but I never get used to it. I feel like I can take part in her accomplishments and endeavors more than I ordinarily would simply because I am her Dom. I lay claim to everything she does (good or bad) to some degree. I know that the solid core of strength at the center of her, that which gives her the power to do great things, is something that I own and nurture and cultivate. Not that it isn't her strength - it undoubtedly is intrisic to the person she is at heart, with our without me - but I know that I help her to recognize it and use it and see it for what it is.

And once she gets going, she is just unstoppable. Keep working hard, my sexy one.

Hot Chocolate

So it should come as no surprise that I love to eat - think I've mentioned that enough times here. My enjoyment of hot chocolate, though, goes beyond the usual sensual pleasures of food and drink. I don't make it unless it's cold, and it carries the connotation of introspection, a gathering inward both physical and mental. Not so much a "hearth and home" thing, as just a slower and more muted flow between myself and the outside world.

Making chocolate takes some time, at least the way I make it, and of course I've got my favorite ways to do it so that it comes out right. It's important to me that it be rich, for one thing. Whole milk only, please (or soy milk in a pinch, still better than lowfat, and with that nutty kind of edge to it). I've got to feel that I'm really drinking something substantial, with some body to it.

I like the bitterness of chocolate balanced by the sweetness of sugar, but not overwhelmed by it. The tension between the two is sexy. And add in some savory elements, which of course are my well-kept secret, and maybe a dash of vanilla. The whole thing must be simmered at low heat for a long time, with care and patience as the flavor matures, but also with snapping whips of the wire whisk to keep everything blended properly and create a nice froth on top.

Is it any wonder that making a good cup of cocoa makes Me ache to touch My far-richer, far-sweeter, far more complex, far far far more fulfilling k?

Starting the Day Off right

Have I mentioned recently how I do love the phone sex with my succulent k? This morning we happened to manage about 40 minutes together before we each had to leave for our respective workplaces. I wanted more than anything to make her cum.

I flipped on my webcam, and basically just stared at her through it, while my fingers flew over the keyboard. Probably the most typographical errors ever, but I think the gist of what I was getting at went through. I didn't want her to type back to me, and she didn't. Just watched my eyes and read my words and rubbed her clit and imagined all the things I was describing.

And then time was running short - I picked up the phone and continued our little "scene" that way, still with her just listening. Well, not exactly just that. She made delicious noises: the tight sharp hisses and keening whimpers and throaty moans I love more than anything. They are still ringing in my ears now, hours later. She gasped my name as she came, which is a pure miracle every time it happens.

So yeah, sometimes having a time limit can be fun. Sometimes my subbie having to be quiet because of roommates that might hear her can be fun. Always pulling my gorgeous k down deep into that spiral of submission and drawing her orgasm out in unraveling sheer ribbons of ecstasy is transcendent pleasure.

Perfect way to relax before work. Thanks, telecommunications industry!

A Woman's Touch

A couple of times recently, my spectacular k has brought up her fantasies about being intimate with another woman. It never fails to evoke a rich melange of emotional reactions in me. I'm not going to sort it all out here today, obviously, but I'm going to start the process by listing and annotating some of the stronger components of the reaction, as I feel it today anyway.

1. The overarching feeling is that this is a beautiful part of my sweet k's personality and one of many tantalizing parts of her complex innerworkings of desire. I love this aspect precisely because it is intrinsic to who she is.

2. She belongs to me. Our bond is deep and strong and true, a a fundamental strand in that bond is the exclusivity of our arrangement. Justifiably and unabashedly greedy, I don't want to share her.

3. And yet, her complete sexual and emotional fulfillment is a very important aspiration. Short of major medical procedures, this is a fantasy that I'll never be able to realize for her by myself.

4. Our D/s relationship is the most sublime, the most wondrous, the most soul-expanding experience of my life. The power-exchange is beautiful and instinctual and heady with meaning. Any alteration in the circumstances (even just playing around here and there) is bound to result in changes to the dynamic. This doesn't scare me as much as it just makes me wonder.

5. I would love to be part of my luscious k's exploration of this side of herself. To be present, involved in some way or other, with her first overtly-sexual touch of another woman would be so intense - seeing her learn about herself is always amazing. Knowing more of who she is can only be better.

6. Two women making out = hot!

Anyway, these are some of the thoughts that pop into my head each time the subject comes up. It's not like there is a plan or a destiny here - just the musings of an overanalytical mind. Certainly nothing's going to happen to change the direction we are going when we haven't even met in person yet. Right now, that's the most immediate goal - anything beyond is conjecture.

Before I collared her, irresistibly sexy k used to play with other women in the chatrooms, and several times the two of us would have scenes with other submissive women. That was all back before I fell in love with her, though, and when having D/s scenes online was purely diversion. I find my mind looking from a completely new angle now (though yeah, #6 proves that some of the old mindset remains).

When the time comes, we'll figure out what's right for her, right for us. And no matter what shape that takes, she will always be mine.

Time Slip

Time slips by so quickly sometimes, like warm water sluicing between interlaced fingers.

This week and next are difficult ones for me ... lots of work and lots of family things happening, which means not as much time online with my glorious k. So naturally I have been setting her up with several offline assignments to do for me - most of them not particularly sexual (but yeah some are of course), just simple things that can keep us in contact, keep her feeling subbed-out, keep her on the road to graduate school next year.

Normally I'm very loose with these things, letting stuff slide and only having a deadline for the sake of having a deadline. But especially with the grad-school things, there are real-world actual deadlines looming, so I'm trying to tighten down.

But that is hard to do. My stupendous k has a job, has social acitvities, has roommates, has other obligations. She deserves time to relax, too. I've been trying to find the right mix of enticements, coaxing, threats, cajoling, inspiration, and guidance to move things along. I haven't found that right mix yet.

I catch myself bordering on frustration sometimes, when I narrow my focus down and think of this as a "problem" to be solved. But it only takes one smile or turn of phrase from that amazing girl to remind me that it's not that at all. It's just the two of us, madly in love, working out our roles as we go.

It's me learning to be her Dom, and that just takes some time.

Dreaming Away

This marks six nights in a row that I have dreamed of my owned k. Each one has been different, varying in setting, tone, length, depth, wildness. But in each I have dominated her and she has submitted to me. Sometimes it's been a sparkle in her eyes and a catch in her sigh. Sometimes it's been her surrendering her body as a vessel for my lusts. Sometimes it's been her discovering her own inner strength again through me. Sometimes it's been her active and mischevous seeking of ways to serve. Sometimes it's been an achingly beautiful laying bare, an offering of her whole self.

Sometimes I've awoken in woozy reverie, sometimes in stark shock at the power of her love, always with a turgid and pulsating cock that seems to want to point, dowsing-rod-like, to the wellspring of My desire, far to the southeast.

I dream of my splendid k very often, but this is the longest stretch of nights on end that I've ever had. It may have something to do with our schedules being out of sync often lately. Or it may be that my dreamlife - that shadow self that sees through the mind's eye - has no use for anything or anyone else any more. Why dream of anything but the woman I spend my waking days thinking of? What subject more crucial, more intricate, more wonderful?

Name Game

My tasty splendid k and I were talking about names last night. I first knew her by her chatroom nickname, and the day she told me her real name was really one of those early moments of honesty and trust that I think about all the time. Here on the blog, we use variations on our chatroom names, but really she's never anything but her real name in my mind.

Well, unless we're talking about other kinds of names. Pet names, "role" names, etc. I never in a million years thought I'd like being called Master, for example. I'd never insist on it, in fact resisted it for a while. But I've come to see it as a gift from sweet k. It's an aknowledgment of my place in her life, of what I do for her and what she does for me. I don't consider her to be my slave (though heh, once in a while I'll use that word anyway, mostly when I want to drive her deep into her subbie headspace), and really I don't want a slave. But our roles in each other's lives have expanded outward from the bedroom to encompass a lot more, and as that has happened, she's used the word Master more. It has meaning for both of us, and I'm not ashamed to say that it gives me a deep jolt of Domliness each time she uses it. A one-word testosterone-trigger.

And I've tried various names for her as well, though her real name is so mellifluous I tend to use that more than anything else. I have used "girl" a lot - feels kind of transgressive and it took me a while to get past the age thing. It's a lot more comfortable now. And then there's "pet," which I used for a while, and is now starting to come back. Again, there are some connotations attached to it which I have to work through. Both these names have the power-relationship going the right general direction, but they skew in arcs that aren't the ones I am fully comfortable with.

It's a shame that language is so powerful and yet so confining sometimes. Ideally there would be a word that would express the myriad and subtle interplays between us, that would capture the way we complete each other, that would encapsulate the rich slow-cooked love between us. But I guess that's a lot to expect out of a handful of phonemes.

So I settle for what seems right in the moment. I called her "My slut" last night, and it was just the correct name in that situation at that time. Expressed everything I wanted to say (I'll leave just what the situation was to your vivid and twisted imaginations, dear readers).

The act of naming, even cute little pet names, carries so much power. It's a way of ordering the universe, mapping it to better fit the contours of our minds. Language is in many ways our primary interaction with the world. And in the case of my ebullient k and I, it's the main mode of personal interaction as well - we can't "speak" from body to body yet, so choice of words has a greater impact. That's one reason I like having her write my name on her body, to try and blend the linguistic and the physical - the word become flesh, so to speak. One day my hand placed calmly, quietly, claimingly, on her thigh will express what before might have taken a long rapturous treatise. (Let's all say it with bad Maurice Chevalier accents: "zee international language of love")

Till then, I'll keep ruminating on names, and see which ones work and which don't. I know that I'll never get used to being called "Master," hearing k's sweet bright tones pronounce the name that means so much to both of us.

In person II

So it's been a while since i've posted anything here, and since i am going out of town this weekend and won't be able to talk to my Irch at all until Sunday i thought i would leave Him a little something here before i left.

Recently Irch posted a list of some of the things He would like to do when we are finally able to be together in person. I have my own list of things i would like to do with Him (some similar and others not quite), so i thought i would share my list with you all.

Some things i would like to do (by far not a complete list):

1. Sit in His lap
2. Kiss Him for hours and hours
3. Rest my head on His shoulder and know that is where i belong
4. Kneel while He's standing in front of me
5. Kneel while He sits and rest my head on His knee.
6. Take His thick cock into my mouth
7. Taste His warm rich cum as it fills my mouth and slides down my throat
8. Fall asleep beside Him
9. Wake up next to Him
10. Watch Him sleep
11. Slip beneath the covers to wake Him with a morning blowjob
12. Worship His cock for hours and hours
13. Listen to Him sing to me
14. Lay with my head in His lap with His hand in my hair
15. Hold hands
16. Hug Him and never let go
17. Look into His eyes
18. Kneel and recite my pledge while He watches in the morning
19. Offer each part of my body to Him in my routine at night
20. Lick my lips and watch His reaction
21. Stick my tongue out at Him
22. Tickle Him (no matter how much trouble i may get into)
23. Fall asleep with one arm over His chest, one leg over His, and my head on His chest
24. Lay in bed talking all day
25. Sleep in late together
26. Read to Him
27. Shower together
28. Cook for Him, while He stands behind me watching
29. Watch Him play the piano, or guitar
30. Listen to Him read to me
31. Take a long nap together in the middle of the day
32. Arch my back and bend over the bed, while i look back at Him
33. Ask Him to spank me
34. Take my time learning every part of His body intimately
35. Watch His cock grow hard in my hand
36. Feel His cock grow hard in my mouth
37. Listen to the sounds He makes when He cums deep in my mouth
38. Listen to the sounds He makes when He cums deep in my cunt
39. Tell silly jokes to one another
40. Tell someone that He is my Master when we are out together
41. Serve Him in anyway He wants
42. Cry out for joy that i am with my Owner
43. Gasp His name as i climax for Him while He holds my gaze
44. Fall asleep with His cock pressed against my ass and His arms around me
45. Wake up with His cock pressed against my ass and His arms around me
46. Take a picture together
47. Flash Him while we're in public
48. Listen to the sound of His voice with my ear pressed against His chest
49. Take His cock all the way into the back of my throat
50. Look into His eyes when i tell Him i love Him

Day and Night

One thing I enjoy about the intensely beautiful and life-altering relationship between my ebullient k and I is its ubiquity and continual presence. It's one of the things that at first made me wonder if an online relationship would ever be fulfilling. And to tell you the truth, if our only interactions were in IM, it would still be lovely, but it likely wouldn't feel so sublime and deliciously pervasive.

Simply put, I think of my delicious k constantly, and thanks to the magic of text messages and voicemail and email and all those other technological things, we can exchange thoughts at any moment, so that we can be "together" all day long. I can share her little triumphs and tribulations as they happen, and just be connected all the time.

There's something about being connected like that through the day that really appeals to the Dom side of me - knowing that she is thinking about me and keeping me in her heart, knowing that I can use some well-chosen words to make her smile or gasp or grow wet any time I want to. Yes, definitely an ego thing, definitely a power thing, but so much more than that too... it's love that tells a story.

In a sense, all our relationship is built on story-telling - we don't experience things together the way an ordinary in-person couple does. We have shared experience, for sure, but of a different quality. And there's nearly always a narrative involved, a translation from action into word into memory. No possibility of silently sitting together and holding hands, sharing the warmth of each other's presence - unless we talk about it and imagine it together.

So since so much of our interaction is based on things that happen in a shared imaginative space at one remove from our bodies, it's a glorious thing to share the moment-to-moment reactions and minutiae of our "real world" days together in parallel. And as part of that experience, to keep my presence fully integrated into her daily routine, there are a few things I ask my brilliant and generous k to do regularly.

She kneels when she wakes up in the morning, and sends me a text or email shortly thereafter. She masturbates to orgasm each night before falling asleep, and usually calls me from bed afterwards, so that the last word on her lips is my name. I encourage her to cum in the shower in the morning as well, though that's less of a rule and more of a fun way to start the day. Oh and I get pictures of her every week now, which is one of my favorite new developments. She has other weekly and intermittent assignments from me as well, but these are some of the ones that have lasted the longest and are fairly strict.

I love my sweet gorgeous k, and being at the forefront of her mind so often during her day is one of the things I am most proud of in my life, and that gives me intense pleasure. She thrills me down to my bones each and every moment.

Happy Halloween everyone! boo!

The Joy of Text

Well it was bound to happen eventually. The stars aligned in a certain fashion and suddenly my delicious k and I found ourselves having text-message sex. Didn't think such a thing was possible, really. But I should have known that two imaginative people could make such an outrageous thing work.

Now we've played around at such things in the past, mostly teasing and using text messages as a warm-up to some play on the phone or in IM or something. My sexy k was sitting at home, but I was caught in a situation where I wasn't able to talk on the phone or get to a computer, but I could sit and send text messages to my heart's content.

So I did. And it actually was really hot.

Luckily we've gotten used to the rhythm of texting, the short length of each message, the wait of half a minute or so between messages, the sneaky shortcuts to keep thumbs from falling off. I think it helped that k was on her computer and I was texting from the phone - only one of us had to deal with the less-than-ideal way of writing words that is the numeric keypad.

Because of our long and colorful shared history of cyber-sex, I know how to turn my woman on with words. Never ceases to amaze me how real and how visceral one's reactions can be to the written word - doesn't seem like it should be so easy to cause physical responses in someone by typing alphanumeric characters, does it?

But even with all the barriers in the way, it really worked. I brought my succulent k to her knees and to a shuddering orgasm (in that order). Yes, in this I was certainly aided by her vivid imagination and her nimble fingers, but there is no doubt in my mind that it was me who made it happen.

Just goes to show you that any technology will ultimately be perverted into a means to sexual pleasure. If not by us, then by someone else ;)

Unique

I've been pondering lately what it means to be dominant, to be "a Dom," and I've come to the realization that really I don't have much of an idea. I mean, I have vague outlines from reading I've done and talking to others, but really it's just a big mess of allusions and metaphors and half-assed concepts.

When I started to really feel the dominance in me awakening and roaring to the fore about 6-8 months ago, I thought that maybe the idea of what a Dom is would become clearer to me, but if anything it's gotten murkier. It's possible that more experience might change the nature of my understanding, but at this point I rather doubt it. It's an epistemological thing for me now - I'm starting to doubt if it's a kind of knowledge that can be grasped and codified at all. The more I try to pin it down, the slipperier it becomes.

This is not to say that I don't understand dominance at all. I do perfectly understand and continue to explore and expand and refine and redefine a dominance. My dominance. This is something that's wondrous and wild and protean, but I have a decent handle on it. My dominating k, k's submission to me: I get those. Mysterious, but knowable.

I guess if you add up all the myriad relationships in the world that identify as D/s in some way or another, and ran a series of questionnaires and did a good statistical regression analysis and had some top social scientists review the data, you might have yourself the beginnings of a core definition of dominance. But then again, you might just have a big ol mess.

In the end, the only thing I really care about is our D/s, of course, the relationship that my transcendent k and I have molded and enjoyed and nurtured. And really there's so much more to it all than just dominance and submission, but the D/s is fundamentally woven into every interaction now. I suppose that's the main problem in trying to abstract what "a Dom" is - how can dominance be disentagled from every other aspect of personality and emotion and thought?

It feels to me that dominance might be a kind of nature, not a just a kind of practice, though I am holding back judgment on that - finding the dividing line between what you are and what you do is one for greater philosophers than me. Meantime, I'll keep enjoying this grand and ennobling opening-up of deep resonances in me. More than that, I'll keep enjoying the sweet love and submission of the woman I adore beyond words.

Refined Taste

I've never seen my delectable k in person, but I've seen pictures and seen her on the jerky pixellated webcam, each time making my heart pulse wildly. I've never heard her voice in person, but I've spoken to her over the phone untold time, and thrilled to her sultry dulcet enunciations. I love that the internet can help us bridge those gaps. But scent, touch, and taste don't email well, so a lot of my fantasizing about being with her (see the last post) involved those senses.

Today I want to talk about the sense of taste and the process of cooking and the whole way food and sex and conflated in my mind. When I say that I am hungry for k, it's a metaphor, sure. But it's also empirically true - I crave the taste of her. Not the same way I might crave coffee ice cream or cold raspberries or fresh basil, more the way I might feel my mouth watering when I read a recipe and imagine the blend of flavors there (but quite a lot stronger). I yearn for the time when I can lick, kiss, nibble at her flesh, and just learn the many tastes of her body.

There's something so deeply gratifying about that - some essence of each other than only lovers know. A wickedly intimate power comes from knowing how someone tastes. And of course the more private and hidden from daily view the morsel is, the more precious is the knowledge.

When we taste, we take. Molecules exciting receptors, causing enzymic reactions, information rushing along nerves to the brain. We own an "image" of that flavor in memory. I want that of my scrumptious k, to have the patterns of her tastes to carry in my mind and call up when I wish.

I'm posted her before about cooking for this incredible woman I own. I've done that a few times now, and it's hard to capture in words the melange (sorry, couldn't resist the metaphor) of emotions it brings up in me every time I do it. There's something ancient and ritualistic and deep about the process of cooking that I can tap into more profoundly when I do it for her. I work, somewhat creatively and somewhat by rote, to create something. That effort and patience and love are poured into a product that she then tastes and takes into her body. There's something very satisfying about that.

So this all was a funny roundabout way of getting to the fact that my scrumptious k and I have started trading recipes a lot lately. And sending text messages back and forth while we are cooking to share inspiration or solve problems. Somehow being part of the whole kitchen experience like that is very erotic. I've always wanted to cook a whole meal for her, and watch her eat it, and I've fantasized about the two of us working on preparing food together. But the other day, for the first time, I recognized a deep desire to have her cook for me.

I want to watch her scoot around the kitchen, putting things together, testing, making little mistakes, trying to be patient, adding her own special personality to the food and its preparation. I want to peek over her shoulder and enjoy the rhythm of the cooking process, and I want to know that she is doing it for me. I want to savor the creation and think about its relation to the creator. I want to look into her eyes and smile my appreciation. I want to devour the food with vigor and then smoothly segue into devouring her with one thousand times the lust, so that the cook herself becomes part of the meal she made.

mmmm dessert.

in person

I've been thinking a lot lately about meeting my sumptuous k in person for the first time. That's not coming up right around the corner or anything, but it occupies my thoughts a whole lot, as you can imagine. So I've decided to start a little list, about some of the things I've been thinking of doing when the two of us actually occupy the same room.

Some things I want to do (a very incomplete list in no particular order):

1. stare into her eyes and breathe in her presence
2. tangle my fingers in her hair
3. sit with her head in my lap
4. kiss her mouth for about two hours without pause
5. hear her whisper my name
6. know the size of her hand in mine
7. kiss her inner wrist and nibble at the flesh there
8. play a hot game of scrabble
9. take a very long walk, preferably in cool and damp weather, fingers interlaced
10. cook a meal for her, and watch her eat it
11. get our picture taken together
12. see her tongue peek out the side of her mouth when she concentrates
13. make out in a car or in a movie theater like a couple of horny teenagers
14. spank her
15. sing a song together
16. savor the juices of her cunt
17. sleep naked with her
18. go out dancing
19. go out dancing knowing that she holds my cum in her body
20. press my hand to the curve of her hip
21. read a book to her or listen to her read to me
22. inhale her scent deeply
23. go out for a run and shower together afterwards
24. shop for groceries together
25. feel the weight of her breasts in my palms
26. sit with my arm around her
27. undress her
28. warm up her icy cold feet on my stomach
29. bake a pie together
30. give her ass a squeeze in public
31. feel her nipples tighten and pucker under my touch
32. stand before her as she kneels
33. watch her get dressed and brush her hair
34. hear the gasps and keens she makes as she approaches orgasm, right in my ear
35. hum low and deep with my lips pressed to her cunt
36. watch her draw or paint
37. refer to her as "Mine" in front of other people
38. take her earlobe between my teeth
39. massage her shoulders and back
40. place my hand on her thigh
41. feel her eyelashes flutter against my skin
42. watch her sleep
43. mark her with a bright red hickey on her neck
44. drink hot chocolate together
45. whisper all manner of salacious things in her ear to make her thighs clench
46. work on a crossword puzzle together
47. do something cliche-manly, like open a jar or kill a spider
48. listen to her heart beat in her chest
49. hold her in my lap as I let my hands roam over every surface of her body
50. look into her eyes when I tell her I love her

Patience

When I can't be with my extraordinary k, and a whole day can go by without being able to exchange words, I'm thrown out of sorts in many ways. There's the unfulfilled-ness of being out of touch with the one I love. There's the incompleteness of my dominance sort of hanging out in thin air without her complimentary submission. There's just plain old loneliness.

It helps if I think of my patience as a gift that I'm giving her - something that I'm actively doing (you know how us Dommy types don't like to feel passive and helpless).

I've always been a patient person in most things, but when it comes to k, it's not easy. My internal rhythms are all mixed up with hers now, so when we're not synced up, I find myself foundering, trying to find that beat again. It's a syncopation we can only create together.

So right now I'm just waiting for that downbeat.

Fantasy and Reality

My sensational k and I have often shared different fantasies we've had. Some typical, some not so typical, the usual mixed bag I guess. I've got a stockpile of scenarios we might roleplay some day for fun - she has a thing for swaggering cowboys, I have a thing for hardboiled film-noir dames (see pictures).

And as I've remarked here many times, my first experiences with D/s were in that fantasy category as well. I've played at it in real life, but it's never been more than spice added to an encounter. The online chatroom communities were also just fantasy settings for me for the most part. I mean, how can you take seriously any place where someone named something like "HarshDestructiveMaster19" can say things like "which of you sluts is gonna crawl to my cock and suck all over it with your clit?" (actual chatroom quote which I will never forget)

An ongoing assignment I've given k is to write up for me one of her fantasies each week. Whether it's two sentences or something more involved, vague or detailed. And in return I write out one of my own. It's a fun exercise, but I've noticed something interesting lately: after the first couple of months, the fantasies that we shared with each other started to change, from the wild role-playing and deep-dark-secret kind into more attainable real-life scenarios. Nowadays, my greatest fantasies are all centered around her, and really pretty much all of them are about things that we will do together when we are finally together in the flesh.

My imaginative life is completely focused on the real person that my succulent k is, not some made-up submissive archetype. This carries over to when we scene in IM or on the phone as well -- I'm really not all that interested in pretending we are, say, having a midnight tryst in the Trevi Fountain or catching fireflies by the Kamo River. I appreciate the fun and romance of that truly, but I don't need it and don't pursue it. I'm much more interested in imagining us together in a real place - usually her bedroom or mine, maybe a car or a hotel room. That can add something semi-tangible to what we are sharing sometimes, but really the trappings aren't what it's about. Really all I care about is the intense dynamic between us, the fluid and earthy power of our shared love.

I dream of being with her constantly. That's all the romance I need.

Everything and More

In those last two posts, my unerringly steadfast k expressed some powerful and profound emotions. Desires, cravings, and feelings that are the yin/yang mirror-image of mine. It never fails to stun me just how in tune we are with each other’s needs, and how we complement each other so effortlessly and beautifully, completing the circle. What I give, she takes. What she gives, I take.

I wanted to try and put into words here something about what it means when we talk about “everything.” Obviously, since we live apart, it’s not possible to share every moment together in the sweet physical proximity of lovers. Even if we did live together, there are jobs and studies and priorities and life-goals and activities and families and friends and illnesses and rent and taxes and laundry. Not everything we do would be done together in the strictest sense. (Goodness knows I’ve dreamed incessantly about what it would be like to truly build a life together with this woman I love, but it’s not in the cards for the near future anyway, due to some of the items towards the beginning of that list.) But even when we are not doing something as a couple, we want the sense of being a couple, that we form some sort of “unit” together.

More than that, I want to be present in her at all times, to color her thoughts, to be the first person she tells important things to, to be the one she discusses decisions with (from what’s for lunch to what’s the meaning of life), to help with problems and cheer on her triumphs. I want to be the “one” for her as she is the one for me.

Deeper still than that, I want my presence in her life to be that of her Dom. To guide and foster and cultivate and nourish and control. To be strength she can tap. To be devotion she can rely on. To be force she cannot resist. To lift, to expand, to arouse, to amuse, to empower, to restrict. To be love she cannot shake away.

The meaning of “everything” has evolved and shifted over time for us, and it will continue to change. It has always meant giving as much as we can possibly give to each other, and as walls crumble and worlds open, possibilities expand. I think this has been particularly true on k’s end, where shyness and an unfounded feeling of not deserving love have been receding slowly.

This “giving everything” is expressed in a lot of blogs and forums and chatrooms, but nearly always from the point of view of the sub. From the Dom side of the equation, it has just as much deep down, core-of-the-earth meaning, but it’s manifested differently.

As my wonderful k’s Dom, I give myself over to her as well. My foibles and weaknesses and failings are ever thrown into sharp relief, and correctives for such (while always inspired by k) must come from within me. Times that I haven’t been there when she needed me cause painful pangs even months later. There are frustrating, mind-numbing, confidence-crumbling moments of self-doubt, luckily all fleeting ones.

I can sympathize to large extent what it must mean for my k to “give everything” to me. There’s a monumental level of trust required, a huge investment of ego and self-image into the words and deeds of one person, and really just an emotional free-fall that requires untold reserves of bravery and strength. Now think about it from the my angle – the enormous responsibility to care for and cherish k, to guide and steer her, to have absolute rock-solid conviction that her life is made better by my presence and my dominance. She is placing so much in my hands. While my k is generous and forgiving, this is still an undertaking that is not to be shouldered lightly.

It’s all a bit scary at times, to tell you the truth. But I have a central tonic pitch to refer to in myself now, which is this heady mélange of love and dominance where luscious k is concerned. I know I may disappoint her from time to time, but there’s a core confidence that this is the way we are best together, as Dom and sub - that intrinsic parts of our personalities are locked together in this unique way. That we are both stronger and better and more true, we are both uncompromisingly right when we are on this path.

I am with my k for the long haul. I dominate her in ways I never thought possible. I demand everything and give everything in return. I love her with the sublime radiance of ten thousand blazing suns and with the twinkling sidelong reflection of moonlight in my eye. This is the way I choose to be. And only with her.

More

I often tell Irch, of the aching desire in me for more. At times it seems selfish, but i am constantly craving more, more, more. This weekend sparked in me an intensity for more which i hadn't felt previously. This desire for more has been so overwhelming recently, it is all i have been able to think about.

I want more of the Man who owns me, i want more time with Him, i want more time to tell Him that i love Him, that i want nothing more than to serve Him and please Him anyway i possibly can. And there is just never enough time. My desire for Him just consumes me until there is nothing left, but the aching need to surrender and serve.

I can never tell Him enough, how much i love Him, how much i desire Him, how much i need to submit to Him, how i live to serve and please Him. I need more of Him to show Him each of these things again and again because i could never have enough of Him.

I want more of You Master, i desire more of You, i need more of You. More.

Everything

When it comes to my emotions i am very closed off. I am so very guarded and don't often let anyone in past the walls i've built up around myself. Just a defense mechanism really, i've been hurt far to often to let people in too easily. I even keep my best friends at a distance so i won't have to worry about being hurt again.

Funny the way hurt works, when our physical body is wounded it will sometimes shut down the nerves near the wound to protect the body from further injury and pain. However, in this attempt to guard and protect itself the body also closes itself off to any pleasure it might otherwise receive. The mind works in that way as well. I have built up my walls so very high that, in my attempt to keep myself from further pain, i often shut myself off from greater pleasure. This is not to say i am some unfeeling wretch. But i do tend to keep my guard up in situations where i may have missed out on some pleasure i may have otherwise received.

Recently, i had a break down. One of my walls cracked from the strain of keeping so much inside and it was like the dam had been unleashed. Yes it was what i needed at the time, and yes i feel so much better after the fact. But had i not kept my walls up in that situation i need not have been under that emotional duress in the first place.

When Irch first asked me to be His, i don't think i fully comprehended to what extent i would actually be owned. Yes, i said He owned me completely, and yet there were parts of me that i kept hidden. I pulled things in behind my walls from the very Man who should own even those things which i dislike about myself. There should be no walls between us, no strain against the walls of my mind, and nothing held back from the Man i gave myself to.

Though it wasn't until recently that i fully understood what that meant. Over the past year i have opened myself up to Irch more than i have to anyone ever. I've overcome many obstacles which stood between us from the beginning and we are ever pushing through new barriers each day. And yet i still held back parts of myself.

Lucky for me, Irch told me simply that everything i am is His, those things we've pushed through already, and those things which part of me feels the need to hold on to. Everything. And while my walls may not have simply disappeared over night after He told me i wasn't allowed to hold things in the way i had done before. I feel them crumbling, slowly wearing away and awakening my heart and soul to all the new sensations which are waiting for me. It may be painful at times, to bare myself naked down to my soul, but think of all the pleasure that i would be missing out on if i didn't.

Even a few moments of pleasure is worth letting go of the past and pushing forward to the future.

Politics of Power Exchange

So I wrote about this briefly once before, but felt it was time to delve in a little more deeply. Before I get into this, let me be perfectly clear: this is based on completely unscientific observation, merely my limited experience online. I'm not part of any "real-life" BDSM community, so what I've seen is a narrow view. And I know there are a million exceptions to the rule, so please don't think I'm trying to cover everyone with the same blanket here. But still...

The great majority of D/s-interested Americans that I've met online have also expressed conservative political views. (The opposite seems generally the case for Europeans and others, but let's leave that aside for the moment...) This goes for the Doms as well as the subs, and - so far as I can tell online - doesn't correspond to the usual ethnicity/gender/class/culture/geography breakdowns I usually associate with people's place on the political spectrum.

On its face, I suppose this seems a "duh" observation. In the US at least, conservatives use phrases like "law and order," "family values," "three strikes and you're out," "personal responsibility," etc., to promote a (dare I say Confucian?) view of society based on structure and rules, wherein authority is generally trusted, and there are predictable consequences for actions. In some circles, there is a fundamentalist-Christian twist that takes its societal model from certain Old Testament passages. I'm oversimplifying here, of course, but the point is that I think there is a correlation between the way many of these conservative D/s folks see the greater workings of society, and the way they see interpersonal relationships.

My point here is not to stir up political debate of one kind or another, or to take a scalpel and pick apart my broad definitions. My point is to ask anyone reading what this is all about.

I am on the radical-liberal end of the political spectrum on 99% of issues. Am I some kind of hypocrite for embracing this wonderful D/s with k? I certainly don't think the relationship we have is "better" or "more natural" than anyone else's, and I don't feel any cognitive dissonance about how I relate to her vs. how I relate to the world as a political animal.

As a matter of fact, the conservative views espoused by my k have given me pause on more than one occasion. If she were in this D/s relationship with me because this is the "proper" way for men and women to interact, or because of any reason beyond her own desire and personal choice, it would lose a whole lot of meaning for me. If she didn't feel free to choose submission, and in particular to choose submission to me, I'd have to rethink the whole thing. Luckily, I am confident that this isn't the case, but there were times in the past that I wasn't so sure.

So what do you all think?

Time Flies

My splendid k and I have been in this frustrating place lately. The time I have available to spend with her has been a lot less the past few weeks, and her own schedule has been almost as hectic. While we still remain in touch through the day, on and off, sometimes ten or twelve hours might go by with no word from either of us.

I find this quite depressing.

But it's a different "mode" of melancholy now than it was in the past.

Last Christmas, for example, my peerless k was away for over a week, with no internet, and this was before we were really doing the phone & text thing in the near-casual way we do today (not that a phone conversation with her is ever casual - always frought with buzzing excitement and charged with erotic longing). This time wasn't much fun, but of course I had plenty of holiday distractions myself, and at the time we were still "feeling each other out" in a way, I think - trying to establish what this shared love meant. How far each of us was willing to tumble for the other. So it wasn't the world's most awful thing to endure, missing her then. It was just a matter of waiting things out so we could begin anew.

During our "march madness" time, there was another long period wherein our conversations were brief and scattered. This one was a lot more difficult for me, because there were a lot of unanswered questions and swords of Damocles seemed to be hanging everywhere. I felt, deep down, that when the stretch of time was over, everything was going to be alright and we'd emerge stronger and better than before, but it was still a time of turmoil and uncertainty. And every time we were able to snatch a few minutes together, the strain was palpable on both sides. Thank goodness that is all past and evaporated and gone.

Today, my love for her is stronger and more all-encompassing than ever, and I am confident and blood-sure of her love in return. The D/s dynamic we have keeps developing and expanding, and my ownership of her has never been more meaningful, steadfast, and profound. When I miss her today, it's a bubbling roiling kind of ache, often manifesting itself physically. My heart yearns and I feel incomplete, craving that sense of unbroken pefection that comes from being with her.

Because of the deep intrinsic connection we have, my emotions tend to swing more wildly when I'm unable to talk to her often. My need for her is greater than it has ever been. But at the same time, that sharp pang is softened by what it grows from. There's a solid unassailable bedrock of love beneath everything - that makes missing her more intense, but it also gives it a blunter edge, a muted timbre. When this time passes, there is not a shred of doubt that we will be just as intimate and intoxicated with each other as always.

She is Mine forever now, and when that kind of delirious infinity stretches before me, it's so much easier to bear a temporary lack of contact.

Of course, when we meet in person someday, this will all get much more complicated. Stay tuned for that.

Another Season, Another Reason...

One year ago today, I somehow convinced the sweetest, most wonderful person I've ever known that her life would be improved by forming some sort of commitment with me. At the time, I had known her for a few years, I'd been infatuated with her for over a year, and we had only started sharing important details about our offline lives maybe six months prior. I don't really know exactly what I expected out of the relationship - on the surface, it was just an online "collar," which only meant that we weren't going to cyber with anyone else and would be recognized as a couple in the chatrooms we visited.

Of course, those chatrooms were all but nonexistent by that time, so really what was the point of putting her name next to mine in little curly brackets on my MSN profile? Deep down I knew that I was having much stronger feelings for her. Feelings that I was trying to keep in check for the most part, because frankly they were things I wasn't sure I wanted to face. Now of course I recognize that there were two intertwined strands: 1. I was falling for her hard, and 2. my dominance was knocking at the door.

I'm not going to make this another retrospective nostalgic post by glossing our history together yet again. The blog archive speaks for itself fairly well (I started this blog a few days after we became a couple). Suffice it to say that from a humble starting place, transcendent and universe-altering things developed. We tended our austere and encapsulated zen garden, and awoke one day to find a cherry tree fully grown and in blossom at its center. Then a stand of trees. Then a grove far overflowing the bounds of the garden. Then the landscape was flooded with the trees as far as the eye could see, all continually blossoming. Perpetual, ubiquitous spring.

Since it has been a full year, the changing of the seasons has been on my mind a lot of late. In some climates and some years, there are sharp demarcations between one season and the next, but for the most part I'm used to a gradual ebb and flow, like the changing of the tides. Some of the changes my magnificent woman and I have been through have been deliriously sudden, but most have been gradual and accumulative. And every single shift has felt so natural and perfect and obvious and right.

We are an online couple, in a long-distance relationship. We will meet face-to-face one day, hopefully sooner rather than later. But despite the distance (I know in my heart it's "despite," not "because of," so you'll just have to trust me), this is the most fulfilling, beautiful, magical time in my life. I could drain all the adjectives out of the dictionary and never express a fraction of what I feel for my k.

My k. My sweet effervescent disarming melodious k. I love you darlin, from the surface of my skin to the marrow of my bones. Every cell in my body sings your name. The very fact that brilliant scintillating colorful you would surrender all that you are to me - and that I not only welcome it but demand it - that can make me shudder so profoundly that I wonder if the world has tilted on its axis.

Happy anniversary, to the girl of my dreams and the love of my life.

Shifting Perspective and Outmigration

I was looking through some older posts, and noticed that they tend to fall into three categories:

1. ruminations on online relationships
2. ruminations on D/s relationships
3. breathless rhapsodic outpourings of love

Well ok, most of the posts (and by the way, there have been over 100 posts now, which seems crazy) have some elements of each, and really it's rare that #3 isn't in some way involved, but those topics definitely form the bulk of what unfolds here. Today is going to be a lot of #1, I think, though once I get started typing, we'll see where things go...

As My marvellous kand I have grown closer, more intimate, more committed to each other, many of the things I originally took for granted in our relationship look quaint from this distance. I've been thinking back a bit more to the days when I first started going to chatrooms and learning about D/s, or at least it's online manifestation. While I never approached things as a "game" precisely, there was a sense that everything occuring while I typed at the computer occurred in a set-apart reality, a parallel dimension or something. I probably have some schizophrenic tendencies that made it easier to compartmentalize my online life, keep it separate from everything else.

I think this was a good and healthy thing for me, actually. At least, it was at the time. I was able to explore ideas and expressions of dominance without having to analyze myself too much. Because that wasn't really me getting aroused by the idea of bidding on a woman at a "slave auction," tying her securely to a chair, blindfolding her, and proceeding to tease and taste every inch of her helpless exposed flesh. Certainly not! That was just cyber-Irch, a totally different person.

This totally different person enjoyed the sense of community and comeraderie in the chatrooms, and got off on the hot cybersex in a big way, and tried out things never before fantasized about in real life. Then some changes started to happen ... over time, I started to relish the kind of human connection that could be made across the wires more and more. And soon the main reason I was going to the chatrooms was to experience that special closeness that comes from sharing an imaginative space with someone. Naturally this is most intense during sexual scening, and I found myself seeking out partners that really could convince me with their words that they were inhabiting the same mental landscape that I was. I wanted it to feel as real as possible - to know that the power exchange had some meaning.

Now, of course, I see this for what it was: the awakening of my own dominance, and a yearning to break out of the walled-off part of my mind. But of course that never was possible until my sweet and beautiful k came along. She was the first person I knew on the internet with whom I enjoyed sharing stories and details of our "real lives." But even with all the building trust and budding love, I tended to keep the D/s sexual part of our interactions in a semi-separate place. Some of the most intense scenes we had, like the one I described in this old post, still had a theatricality about them, but the transforming power latent in them was palpable. It was only a matter of time before the ideas of dominance that I'd toyed with in my imagination started to walk out of their ghetto and find their places in every neighborhood of my mind.

Excuse my extended metaphor (it's difficult to describe processes of the mind without resorting to them, plus I have a fondness for the metaphorical anyway). This population was set free from their walled city by the love of a woman, pure and simple. They settled in every corner of the landscape and found fertile soil, found economies of thought and emotion that were waiting for their Adam-Smith-esque invisible hand, found everything they needed to grow and prosper. I was ready. And when my love for k and hers for me toppled the walls, it was the most natural and easy thing in the world, despite all the upheaval, to welcome my dominance home where it should have belonged in the first place.

So, yes, magnificent k and I have still never met face-to-face, and our online scening is still as imaginative as ever. But it is based on a solid core of emotional truth and on pervasive modes of thought and action which inform our daily lives every waking moment (as well as into our dreams). We are sharing a life together in most aspects save geography now, and my ownership of her is true and unfettered and profound.

And somehow my love for her still grows every day.

Good Vibrations

Heh I'll let my disarming k tell you another time why that's the title of today's post. Meanwhile, there are some thing I want to say that it's very difficult for me to get a handle on.

This past week or two with my beautiful k has been one of the most glorious times in my life. I know I've said here a thousand times how words can't express the tremendous feelings I have for this woman, the changes she has made in my life, the incredible heights of love I've soared to and will never come down from.

A huge transformation, or rather maybe an unfolding, has been really finding the dominance in myself, learning what it means, and expressing it in true ways. I never thought at my age that I'd be describing a new growing and evolving phase in my life. I know that lots of submissive women like to use the caterpillar-into-butterfly metaphor to describe discovering their submission and growing in it (e.g. this butterfly or this butterfly), but I'm finding it a good way to describe this journey into dominance for me too. Though I've played at it before, and of course there have always been these tendencies in me (I see now), this has been their first real blossoming in my life. And of course it's all due to my marvellous k.

You don't read much about how Doms become Doms on blogs, with a few notable exceptions. And I have to admit that keeping it all dark and mysterious is appealing. I think might be because the whole process is perhaps too similar to how subs become subs. There's been a potential there inside me, half-dormant, making itself known in subtle ways.

I think of it this way: I've been basing my pre-k life on a set of truths about myself that I assumed were the fundamental truths. They are indeed all true things, but I sense now that in many ways they are actually overtones of a deeper fundamental pitch at the heart of me, and a large component of that pitch is my dominance. Not all of it, not even most of it, but it's there in the bass resonance of my being.

It took the sympathetic vibrations in my k to help me hear that deep basso profundo, and I'm learning to fine-tune the rest of myself into harmony with it.

Pledge Drive

Well my sensuous, surprising k and I had a new kind of experience a couple days ago. I put her on a schedule to follow throughout the day, but this time it wasn't an orgasm schedule.

It was a kneeling schedule.

Starting from the moment she awoke, and every three hours throughout the day, this amazing girl bent to her knees to express her devotion and submission to me. And without a doubt this was the Domliest day of my entire life. I was just soaring, energy surging through me constantly, wanting to take her, claim her, own her. A deep powerful roar of lust and dominance coursing in every nerve-ending. I would have glowed in the dark and I'm sure electrictity was sparking out of my fingertips.

Yes we are most definitely doing this again. I felt closer to her than ever, and felt like the two of us were tapped into some profound dark mystery of the earth or something. It felt ancient and it felt right.

Just kneeling by itself seemed a trifle perfunctory, so I also asked irresistible k to speak a few words too. Just a simple thing saying that she's mine, and really I wasn't so much interested in the precise content. It was more to focus her on the act itself and its meaning for us.

Or at least that's all it was supposed to be for until she called me on the phone and said it out loud to me. Now that I've heard the words pass from her lips and tongue, riding her modulated breath, they have a life and richness of their own.

This thing that we're calling "the pledge" for convenience right now, is undergoing transformation and editing. Yes we are overeducated hyperanalytical nerds. I don't want it to be a set-in-stone catechism-style recitation, but if this is something that she will say (with variations) over and over, it should be something that means what we want it to mean. So I've asked literary k to come up with a starting draft of this work-in-progress, which we'll refine and alter over the years.

And perhaps I'll come up with a sort of converse Dom-side statement of my commitment and devotion and control as well. That could be interesting...

Holding and Guiding

I didn't set out to be this kind of a Dom. I always thought the "lifestyle" people were cute and interesting (some of them nutjobs, but that's the case among "mainstream" folks too). But that whole thing just wasn't for me. Far too much of a feminist and all for that to be a viable option. D/s was for the bedroom - a way of interacting separated from the quotidian. Maybe not "playacting," but a dynamic and exchange that has a certain time and place.


And I guess at heart I still hold that as true. I own sweet k only as she wishes to be owned, only in arenas wherein she is comfortable being owned. But those arenas keep broadening and encompassing more of our lives. There have been times when it's made me reflect and even worry. It's certainnly a responsibility I take very seriously.

It started out simply. Sexy k was preparing to take the GRE test for graduate school, and was having difficulty finding her focus. I offered to help, and set her up with a little schedule, urged her to stick to it, told her of my pride when she did, tsked when she did not. I think it helped her a little, though I have no doubt that she'd have managed just fine without my involvement. And I enjoyed it, feeling like I was more integrated into her daily life.

It was an interesting first step - felt mostly like a teacher/student kind of dynamic in some ways. k needed someone motivating her to do something that she knew was good for her. I had the satisfaction of seeing her grow and seeing her own pride in her accomplishment.

And things grew from there. Besides the usual kinds of offline "assignments," to some degree or another sexual, I've moved in and made my presence felt in many more areas. I find myself seeking out opportunities constantly as well. At bottom, she lives her own life of course. There are no areas of her life that she keeps hidden from me any more (and there are none I keep hidden from her either, for the record), but I don't feel the desire to assert any form of control or guidance over every single thing. Mostly, I only enter areas where I'm invited. Well, maybe with a few exceptions heh.

I don't want her to "live for me," but I want her to live with me suffusing her mind and heart. I don't want to be worshipped or idolized, but I do want my presence and my love to be felt all the time, and for my wishes to carry weight. I want to motivate and guide and help and hold her, and show her what an amazing being she is. I'm not the only one who can do this, but I know I have a special role, and I can show her things about herself that nobody else can.

There are some tasks or projects I will assign that are mostly for my own amusement and delight. There are some that are mostly to keep my stunning k in that submissive frame of mind that she loves to inhabit. There are some that are mostly to help her concentrate and focus on things that need to be done, to help her prioritize her time and energy. These last ones nearly always contain elements of the first two.

I draw fewer distinctions between the bedroom and the rest of our lives than I used to. Lately I've been growing very comfortable and confident as a Dom who asserts control in other areas. It fits me much more than I thought it would, and feels quite natural.

But the only reason this is so is because it's glorious k we're talking about. I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else, reaching into anyone else's life this way. It's a push-and-pull sort of development in our relationship - we try things, see how they feel, come back for more if we like them. At some point I'm sure we'll hit something that one of us wants but the other doesn't. Haven't found that yet, though, and I can't say I'm worried about it. I still don't consider myself to be a "D/s lifestyle" person - I just consider myself to be k's Dom, and that definition has been evolving.

I suppose that in the final analysis (and I hear you all saying "yes at long last, the final analysis! how much more of this does he expect me to read?") it's all about love, like everything else has been. I want to help her, be her partner, her supporter, her cheering fan, her mentor, her guide, her listening ear, her sympathizer, her fellow bewildered human being. And it's natural that these modes of interaction are colored by my dominance and her submission.

k is Mine today in more ways than ever in the past, and I love her with more passion and blissful transcendence than ever in the past. Holding her and guiding her are fluid powerful expressions of that love.

There are Nights

There are nights when my love for her grows too big to be contained in my body.

There are nights when my desire for her makes my bones shudder.

There are nights when my yearning to touch her is so powerful as to become the illusion of touch itself.

There are nights when I feel her presence – her laughter, her charm, her shyness, her frustration, her need – right here in my chest, intimately with me.

There are nights when I feel my soul expand to encompass the world, merely because she is in it.

There are nights when every breath is of her breath.

There are nights when I feel her submit to me just in the way she says hello.

There are nights when I discover ecstasies curled up within ecstasies.

Last night was one of those. I looked at the fat creamy moon in the sky, and I thought: if I can experience infinity and expansion and passion so far beyond what my biochemistry should be capable of…

then what’s to keep that moon
from melting into milk
and spilling from the sky
to foam upon the sea?

Linkery

No, despite the picture, this is not a post about tying my sexy k up in chains. Nor is it about the metaphorical chains that bind us together. Nor is it about daisy chains, chain-link fences, chainsaws, Alice in Chains, Lon Chaney, le canard enchaine, chain letters, Markov chains, or (thank goodness) Dick Cheney.

Actually this is one of those unspecial posts wherein I say that I have updated our list of links over there on the left, to include a whole bunch of new blogs which I noticed have links to us (thanks for that, by the way!). Besides showing great taste in this way, they also all happen to be excellent, entertaining, reflective, well-written sexy sites. Most definitely worth your time to check out.


And just a little D/s windows humor:

Step by Step

Well after reading my magnificent k's delicious post from the other day, I was struck anew by the power of the webcam. I really wasn't expecting the reaction she talked about so eloquently, and it did set me off on one of those emotional flights of dominance and love which are becoming ridiculously common these days. I mean, this kind of constant euphoria isn't normal is it? Certainly never has been in my life prior to this.

I've been blogging a lot lately about the visual side of things in our relationship, and I'm going to do that again today. As I've talked about a few times in the past (for example here), my sweet and beautiful k has a major sense of shyness and self-consciousness about the way she looks. I've never had a real driving, pressing need to see her, but I've considered it to be an area I wanted to work on with her. For lots of reasons, chief among them that we do plan to meet face-to-face one day, and I think that messing around with webcams is a good way to prepare for that. A real-life meeting will already have plenty of surprises and unpredictability, so why not get some of it out of the way beforehand? If I can get her past some of her self-confidence issues now, it can only make things easier later on, right? I mean, we're not in the Abelard and Eloise days any more, might as well use the technology we can.

So since she got a webcam - geez almost 6 months ago now - we've been steadily preparing and experimenting and trying out different things. I started getting on my own webcam a lot with her, and she's been messing around, taking pictures for me now and then, and getting used to how the camera works and all. Just something we've been taking slowly, and I didn't have any particular timetable in mind or anything.

Then disarming k had her "moment" looking into my eyes on the webcam, and that attuned me to it more. Yesterday, we were having a bit of a scene together, and my girl was slipping deep into her subbie self, which of course has that feedback effect of getting me all "Dommed up." As it happened, she was in a place where she needed a reminder ... not a punishment exactly, but an assertion or affirmation of our D/s relationship that's more focused than what might occur during a regular scene (though I'm not sure if any of our encounters ever count as "regular" any more). In any case, I've become fairly good at sussing out these needs in k, sensing what it is she needs before it's verbalized.

And really if I hadn't already been thinking about the webcam so recently, it wouldn't have sprung into my mind. But it did, and I ran with it, feeling confident in that way that only comes from profound trust and knowledge. When I told her that I wanted her to flip on her webcam for me and show me her face for the first time, I had no doubt that she would do it. I felt her submission so strongly, knew it in my bones.

I saw the tight lines of worry and nervousness between her brows, the discomfort as she chewed her lip, the embarrassed dark-pink flush of her cheeks. But there she was, my beautiful k. Pure and gorgeous. Brilliant and full and wondrous. Being uniquely Mine in a new way. Being herself in a new way.

It was a moment of deep resonant joy.

We talked ... well, I talked and she mostly just looked into the camera. Streams of words pouring from me in some fruitless attempt to express the multifold oceanic splendor of her. I'm not even going to try and capture what she looked like, because (though she is stunningly beautiful) that wasn't exactly the point. Of course I did wax rhapsodic about it at the time, but this isn't the place for that

I'm also not going to talk about that vital immediacy of watching her facial expressions change. I'll avoid the topic of how it heightened my (already burgeoning) desire to be with her in the flesh. All these things I'll put in other posts, I'm sure.

Today I want to celebrate that my suprising and magical k crossed another threshold with me. The tension in her face faded bit by bit, and I saw so much: her wonder at her own bravery, her renoucing of her own fears, her realization of the depth of her submission. I saw a surrender in her that filled me with sparkling emotional energy. I saw a love in her that took my breath away and made every molecule in the universe shudder for a moment. Wherever you were on monday at mid-day, I'm sure you felt it too. I know it traveled outward from some internet node where our eyes "met" ... radiating and expanding in waves and complex manifolds of elation. I know it was so powerful that everyone in the world must have felt it, if only for a heartbeat. Do you remember a stirring in the blood? a quaking in the air?

That was one-ten millionth of what I felt. I love this woman, heart, soul, mind, and skin.

Uncharted Territory

Things with Irch and i have been moving so smoothly, it's just so natural to move in and out of each dynamic of our relationship, and throughout it all is that underlying melody of my submission and His dominance. We may play several variations on the theme and yet it is that melody which holds the whole piece together and it runs strong throughout.

It often surprises me how strong it is at times, we no longer slip into our roles as Master and slave, it is something we wear at all times. It's a deep part of who i am, the very essence of me and something i've found i could never turn off, even if i wanted to. This week i came face to face with that knowledge and it was completely overwhelming.

As you know from Irch's latest post we recently had a chance to spend almost an entire day together, it was so wonderful to just joke and goof off and then move so easily into a scene, at one moment be talking about what i made for lunch and the other to be on my knees staring up into my Master's eyes. We've been using a webcam more and more often recently, and there was just something about actually seeing His eyes while i was so subbed out.

At one point Irch asked me to look into His eyes and tell Him what i saw there, now in my mind i knew what He wanted me to say. He was prompting me to move on with our scene, and yet i couldn't get my mouth to cooperate. I simply could not just say what i knew He wanted me to say when i saw so much more.

I did see that desire there, but at the same time i also saw so much more. Looking into His eyes in that moment, i saw boundless love and devotion there for me. For me - that's a bit hard to swallow. That someone i love so deeply could actually feel the same way about me and to actually see it so obvious in His eyes in that moment was almost more than i could bear. It was so overwhelming to see all that emotion there that i couldn't say or do anything, and He had to guide me along for a bit before i came to myself again.

It was just so heart-stoppingly amazing to see all that written in His eyes, i didn't even know how to respond. It was finally blindingly obvious how much this Man loves me, how much His dominance of me is not only such a part of who He is but a part of what makes me whole, and all that desire not for some model or movie star, but for me. A silly, ADD, often immature, self-conscious girl like me.

It's very humbling to realize that someone loves you so completely, i don't think anyone ever really expects the sort of rush it is to finally realize that and to own it and cherish it. You have to stop for a moment and say - "you mean me? you weren't looking at someone behind me or something right?" Because when you find someone who loves you like that and you love them right back it's just amazing and i gladly give Him my forever because i know that i have His.

I've happily crossed over to each new level of love and intimacy with Irch throughout our relationship, but this one caught me by surprise. But i am so glad that we've made our way to this newest level and i can't wait to see what's next.

Satisfaction

mmm yesterday was a satisfying day. I'm still a bit delirious about it all, to tell you the truth. So blissed out 24 hours later that this post may not make a whole lot of sense.

It's been a long while since my scrumptious k and I have been able to spend a long day together, due to our new schedules (mostly changes in my work). But yesterday I decided I'd had enough. Called in sick and spent all my time with the gal I dominate and love.

There's a whole different dynamic when you're not watching the clock, knowing you have to leave soon, or worried that you're staying up too late and will be all bleary in the morning. Of course I'll always steal whatever hours I can with her, and never regret it. Of course we are always in touch with email and text messages throughout the day. Of course her beauty, her submission, her devotion, her wonderful k-ness, are with me in every breath.

But all the same, I've missed having days like we did yesterday. On IM together for hours on end, taking breaks to eat and such, hovering over that bewitching ground that encompasses light banter, sublime declarations of love, silly teasing, sensuous foreplay, serious discussion, literary criticism, heart-expanding acts of devotion, and hour upon hour of scorching, intense, imaginative D/s sex scenes.

I'd almost forgotten how easy and natural it all is. Not that there isn't plenty of effort expended in focus, mental and physical energy. But the connection k and I share is just there. Not sought after, not toiled for, not painstakingly achieved, not agonized over. Just ubiquitous, part of the fabric of each of us, and more instrinsically part of the fabric we have been weaving together.

To spend a full day like that, watching the sun rise and fall, feeling the temperature change, share ridiculous minutiae of what we are eating and wearing and thinking. This, I think, is what a day with my woman will be like when we meet in real life. And damned if the online approximation doesn't make me hunger for that more than ever now.

Except of course, when I meet her face-to-face, there will be her eyes. Her lips. Her scent. The arch of her back. The tilt of her shoulder. The turn of her ankle. The rush of her breath against me. The taste of her neck. The curve and swivel of her hips against mine. The supple texture of her forearm under my hand. The slick spicy nectar that my tongue draws out. The tightening of muscles. The clutched coiling gasps of her passion. There will be the utterly incomprehensible transcendence of seeing her kneel by me.

And still there will be her eyes.

Eyes I've spent days and nights dreaming of. Eyes I will watch squint and flutter and widen. Eyes whose lids I will kiss, whose lashes I will feel brush against Me. Eyes I will focus deeply on, and deeply through. Eyes that say everything words can't. Eyes that bring forth and offer the undeniable and irresistible and bone-deep truth of her submission, her devotion, her love.

Those are the eyes my long day's journey into k has left me craving.