Shifting Perspective and Outmigration

I was looking through some older posts, and noticed that they tend to fall into three categories:

1. ruminations on online relationships
2. ruminations on D/s relationships
3. breathless rhapsodic outpourings of love

Well ok, most of the posts (and by the way, there have been over 100 posts now, which seems crazy) have some elements of each, and really it's rare that #3 isn't in some way involved, but those topics definitely form the bulk of what unfolds here. Today is going to be a lot of #1, I think, though once I get started typing, we'll see where things go...

As My marvellous kand I have grown closer, more intimate, more committed to each other, many of the things I originally took for granted in our relationship look quaint from this distance. I've been thinking back a bit more to the days when I first started going to chatrooms and learning about D/s, or at least it's online manifestation. While I never approached things as a "game" precisely, there was a sense that everything occuring while I typed at the computer occurred in a set-apart reality, a parallel dimension or something. I probably have some schizophrenic tendencies that made it easier to compartmentalize my online life, keep it separate from everything else.

I think this was a good and healthy thing for me, actually. At least, it was at the time. I was able to explore ideas and expressions of dominance without having to analyze myself too much. Because that wasn't really me getting aroused by the idea of bidding on a woman at a "slave auction," tying her securely to a chair, blindfolding her, and proceeding to tease and taste every inch of her helpless exposed flesh. Certainly not! That was just cyber-Irch, a totally different person.

This totally different person enjoyed the sense of community and comeraderie in the chatrooms, and got off on the hot cybersex in a big way, and tried out things never before fantasized about in real life. Then some changes started to happen ... over time, I started to relish the kind of human connection that could be made across the wires more and more. And soon the main reason I was going to the chatrooms was to experience that special closeness that comes from sharing an imaginative space with someone. Naturally this is most intense during sexual scening, and I found myself seeking out partners that really could convince me with their words that they were inhabiting the same mental landscape that I was. I wanted it to feel as real as possible - to know that the power exchange had some meaning.

Now, of course, I see this for what it was: the awakening of my own dominance, and a yearning to break out of the walled-off part of my mind. But of course that never was possible until my sweet and beautiful k came along. She was the first person I knew on the internet with whom I enjoyed sharing stories and details of our "real lives." But even with all the building trust and budding love, I tended to keep the D/s sexual part of our interactions in a semi-separate place. Some of the most intense scenes we had, like the one I described in this old post, still had a theatricality about them, but the transforming power latent in them was palpable. It was only a matter of time before the ideas of dominance that I'd toyed with in my imagination started to walk out of their ghetto and find their places in every neighborhood of my mind.

Excuse my extended metaphor (it's difficult to describe processes of the mind without resorting to them, plus I have a fondness for the metaphorical anyway). This population was set free from their walled city by the love of a woman, pure and simple. They settled in every corner of the landscape and found fertile soil, found economies of thought and emotion that were waiting for their Adam-Smith-esque invisible hand, found everything they needed to grow and prosper. I was ready. And when my love for k and hers for me toppled the walls, it was the most natural and easy thing in the world, despite all the upheaval, to welcome my dominance home where it should have belonged in the first place.

So, yes, magnificent k and I have still never met face-to-face, and our online scening is still as imaginative as ever. But it is based on a solid core of emotional truth and on pervasive modes of thought and action which inform our daily lives every waking moment (as well as into our dreams). We are sharing a life together in most aspects save geography now, and my ownership of her is true and unfettered and profound.

And somehow my love for her still grows every day.