Everything

When it comes to my emotions i am very closed off. I am so very guarded and don't often let anyone in past the walls i've built up around myself. Just a defense mechanism really, i've been hurt far to often to let people in too easily. I even keep my best friends at a distance so i won't have to worry about being hurt again.

Funny the way hurt works, when our physical body is wounded it will sometimes shut down the nerves near the wound to protect the body from further injury and pain. However, in this attempt to guard and protect itself the body also closes itself off to any pleasure it might otherwise receive. The mind works in that way as well. I have built up my walls so very high that, in my attempt to keep myself from further pain, i often shut myself off from greater pleasure. This is not to say i am some unfeeling wretch. But i do tend to keep my guard up in situations where i may have missed out on some pleasure i may have otherwise received.

Recently, i had a break down. One of my walls cracked from the strain of keeping so much inside and it was like the dam had been unleashed. Yes it was what i needed at the time, and yes i feel so much better after the fact. But had i not kept my walls up in that situation i need not have been under that emotional duress in the first place.

When Irch first asked me to be His, i don't think i fully comprehended to what extent i would actually be owned. Yes, i said He owned me completely, and yet there were parts of me that i kept hidden. I pulled things in behind my walls from the very Man who should own even those things which i dislike about myself. There should be no walls between us, no strain against the walls of my mind, and nothing held back from the Man i gave myself to.

Though it wasn't until recently that i fully understood what that meant. Over the past year i have opened myself up to Irch more than i have to anyone ever. I've overcome many obstacles which stood between us from the beginning and we are ever pushing through new barriers each day. And yet i still held back parts of myself.

Lucky for me, Irch told me simply that everything i am is His, those things we've pushed through already, and those things which part of me feels the need to hold on to. Everything. And while my walls may not have simply disappeared over night after He told me i wasn't allowed to hold things in the way i had done before. I feel them crumbling, slowly wearing away and awakening my heart and soul to all the new sensations which are waiting for me. It may be painful at times, to bare myself naked down to my soul, but think of all the pleasure that i would be missing out on if i didn't.

Even a few moments of pleasure is worth letting go of the past and pushing forward to the future.