Everything and More

In those last two posts, my unerringly steadfast k expressed some powerful and profound emotions. Desires, cravings, and feelings that are the yin/yang mirror-image of mine. It never fails to stun me just how in tune we are with each other’s needs, and how we complement each other so effortlessly and beautifully, completing the circle. What I give, she takes. What she gives, I take.

I wanted to try and put into words here something about what it means when we talk about “everything.” Obviously, since we live apart, it’s not possible to share every moment together in the sweet physical proximity of lovers. Even if we did live together, there are jobs and studies and priorities and life-goals and activities and families and friends and illnesses and rent and taxes and laundry. Not everything we do would be done together in the strictest sense. (Goodness knows I’ve dreamed incessantly about what it would be like to truly build a life together with this woman I love, but it’s not in the cards for the near future anyway, due to some of the items towards the beginning of that list.) But even when we are not doing something as a couple, we want the sense of being a couple, that we form some sort of “unit” together.

More than that, I want to be present in her at all times, to color her thoughts, to be the first person she tells important things to, to be the one she discusses decisions with (from what’s for lunch to what’s the meaning of life), to help with problems and cheer on her triumphs. I want to be the “one” for her as she is the one for me.

Deeper still than that, I want my presence in her life to be that of her Dom. To guide and foster and cultivate and nourish and control. To be strength she can tap. To be devotion she can rely on. To be force she cannot resist. To lift, to expand, to arouse, to amuse, to empower, to restrict. To be love she cannot shake away.

The meaning of “everything” has evolved and shifted over time for us, and it will continue to change. It has always meant giving as much as we can possibly give to each other, and as walls crumble and worlds open, possibilities expand. I think this has been particularly true on k’s end, where shyness and an unfounded feeling of not deserving love have been receding slowly.

This “giving everything” is expressed in a lot of blogs and forums and chatrooms, but nearly always from the point of view of the sub. From the Dom side of the equation, it has just as much deep down, core-of-the-earth meaning, but it’s manifested differently.

As my wonderful k’s Dom, I give myself over to her as well. My foibles and weaknesses and failings are ever thrown into sharp relief, and correctives for such (while always inspired by k) must come from within me. Times that I haven’t been there when she needed me cause painful pangs even months later. There are frustrating, mind-numbing, confidence-crumbling moments of self-doubt, luckily all fleeting ones.

I can sympathize to large extent what it must mean for my k to “give everything” to me. There’s a monumental level of trust required, a huge investment of ego and self-image into the words and deeds of one person, and really just an emotional free-fall that requires untold reserves of bravery and strength. Now think about it from the my angle – the enormous responsibility to care for and cherish k, to guide and steer her, to have absolute rock-solid conviction that her life is made better by my presence and my dominance. She is placing so much in my hands. While my k is generous and forgiving, this is still an undertaking that is not to be shouldered lightly.

It’s all a bit scary at times, to tell you the truth. But I have a central tonic pitch to refer to in myself now, which is this heady mélange of love and dominance where luscious k is concerned. I know I may disappoint her from time to time, but there’s a core confidence that this is the way we are best together, as Dom and sub - that intrinsic parts of our personalities are locked together in this unique way. That we are both stronger and better and more true, we are both uncompromisingly right when we are on this path.

I am with my k for the long haul. I dominate her in ways I never thought possible. I demand everything and give everything in return. I love her with the sublime radiance of ten thousand blazing suns and with the twinkling sidelong reflection of moonlight in my eye. This is the way I choose to be. And only with her.