Friday, October 21, 2005

Dream a Little Dream

Ok so it should come as no surprise that I dream about my wonderful k a whole lot. Been doing that pretty much since I met her, as a matter of fact, though in the past half-year or so the dreams have become much more frequent, and since the collar they are pretty darn constant. They're most often sexual, of course, and those dreams will get more intense that way the longer it's been since we last played together. My imagination really lives for her, I guess, and when I don't get that part of my brain activated for a while, it gets starved and starts making stuff up.

Now some dreams are really just fragments and some are nearly epic in length and scope, and some I really can't remember but I just have that little flash of emotion that lets me know that she was in my head as I slept. A number of the more narrative dreams I've used as bases for erotic stories, which can really be fun. I even get ideas for good scenes to act out with her from my dreams at times, or the opposite can happen: where my dream is a replay or variation on a scene we recently had.

And not quite every dream, not even quite every sex-charged dream, is D/s-centered. The vast majority of them, yep, but not all. And I kind of like that, actually. I'm not entirely sure why it makes me happy that some of the dreams are vanilla - maybe because k is such a great friend and I like thinking about her in vanilla ways too. In fact, sometimes after we've had a scene, I'll realize that it was actually pretty D/s-free. I guess lurking in the background is always that power-exchange thing, but it's amazing how subtly that can color things sometimes.

Another thing about my dreams is that I really don't know what my girl k looks like. I mean, I know how tall she is and the color of her eyes and hair and what she likes to wear and like that, but I've never seen a picture of her or anything. Now I'll wait for another posting to talk about why that doesn't bother me in the least (though of course I'm curious as hell). But in my dreams it's funny, because there are often so many visual details in them - lots of details, but the whole they add up to isn't detailed itself. That makes no sense, does it? Well the main thing I feel in my dreams, as in the time I spend with her online, is a "presence," which is a rhythm and a style and a fluidity and a grace and a way she bears herself. It's the way she licks her lips and the way she blinks her eyes, rather than a stark image of lips or eyes. It's the pace that her fingertips drum on the chair arm and the shape of the arc her thigh traces as it opens and the trembling pause between breaths. It's an agglomeration of the "tropes" of being k, adding up to a complete presence. That's the whole thing that's in my dreams, and my brain supplies some details here and there. It's that presence, a manifestation of her in my life when she's hundreds of miles away, that fires my mind.

Nowadays, of course, I'm getting lots of auditory stimuli in my dreams as well. I've still never heard the actual sound of k climaxing, but the other day I heard something just about as lovely, which I'll maybe talk about here another time.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Constant Craving

Well since my last post, the text messaging and the voice mail messaging has continued apace. Can't tell you how great it is - each time I hear my k's voice, it feels like a cascade of electric sparks running from my ear down my spine and shimmering out through the rest of my body. Yeah, those electrical impulses tend to gather and strengthen around the groin area a whole lot, it's true... what did you expect?

Every time I see that she's left me a message, it gives me the same heart-skipping thrill I've always gotten from seeing her emails, except now there's a more physical aspect to it - actual sound waves that started in her chest and on her lips, sent through the atmosphere to resonate at the same frequencies in my ear. Pretty excellent, that.

So lately I've been feeling so very connected to k. I might be busy off doing something, and she might be busy off doing something, but rarely more than half a day goes by without some kind of message being sent and received. This is a huge difference - it used to be that we'd go several days, even sometimes over a week, between email messages, for one reason or another. And it was very common that we wouldn't be in contact at all over weekends, say, or just send a couple messages at random intervals over holidays.

This all changed with the use of the phone. Sometimes, to tell you the truth, it makes me a little nervous. Like how would I feel if for some reason she couldn't send messages for a week? And how would she feel if I couldn't? I mean, I'm sure everything would be alright, and we'd live through it, but wow ... it's kind of a scary thought right now. I know that my relationship with her bears some outward similarities to addiction, and this is one of them - wanting more and more, deep hunger when we're out of contact, needing my 'fix' more often and in larger doses. But I don't think it's dangerous in any way. It's love, it's pleasure, it's friendship, it's a deep commitment that feels better and better each passing day. When the time comes that we don't communicate for a few days, my mind and heart will still be full of her. I'm sure it will be kind of agonizing in its way, but I don't see it being completely devastating as it would be in the parallel case of a crackhead, say. There's far too much joy and real personal connection for that.

So instead let's concentrate on the brighter side. I feel k's presence in my life very deeply these days, and pervasively. As I said, in the past week or so, it's rare that there's been more than half a day with no contact of one form or another. And I really seriously like this! I mean, I do feel that I carry her with me all the time anyway, but having a cute little text message or a long rambling voice message on my phone, it's like I have a little lifeline to her in my pocket all the time. Everyday life is becoming more suffused with her. I can feel her gentleness, wit, brilliance, beauty, strength, integrity, tenderness, and especially her submission, radiating from her typed words or her voice, giving me energy and elation and love.

I know that, as I type this, k's been considering working up the courage to leave me a more erotic message as a voicemail, and the very idea makes me ragingly rigid and tightens the corners of my eyes. She's trying new things with me, trying to please me, trying to overcome her own fears for me. Me, her friend, her lover, her Master.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

The Magic of the Voice

OK so in the last post, I talked about text messaging. k and I have always had a text-based relationship for the most part. We're both really into the power of the written word and the stunning ways that the words on a page (or on the screen) can come to life and actually cause physical reactions in the body of the reader. Pretty amazing stuff, if you think about it.

So, I've used the webcam with her a few times, with varying results, and spoken on the mic several times. I've also sent her audio files quite a bit. This "multimedia" type stuff was all one way, from me to her, but I've never minded that in the least. She's shy about showing herself or letting me hear her, no problem, I totally understand that and I'd never force her into doing anything that made her uncomfortable in a way that would strain the friendship side of things. (I have no problems making her uncomfortable as part of a scene, mind you... that's a whole different thing)

So a couple of months back, she sent me a scratchy lo-fi audio file of her voice reading a couple things, and of course I just ate it up, listened to it over and over like the obsessive freak I sometimes am. She's really got a radiant golden tone in her voice, very musical and open, hint of a drawl, and when she's smiling as she speaks it's like sunlight bursting through the sound. Naturally, she got a lot of positive feedback from me.

Then came the collar, and the text messaging that I talked about last time. She gave me her phone number so we could text back and forth. I asked her if she minded me leaving her a voice mail on there once in a while, and she said sure, so I did that. Then one day, out of the blue, she left me a voice message on the yahoo messenger. Now, unlike the sound file she had sent me before, this was a personal message directed right at me, right from her, in her own words and her own voice, little gaps and pauses and verbal tics and all. I don't think I've ever heard anything sexier. Her voice just flowed like water rippling over smooth stones. I listened to it on my headphones and imagined her next to me, speaking right into my ear.

And now she's left me I think a total of 3 voicemails on my cell phone. I still love her emails and the text messages of course, and I still consider that to be our main conduit of communication. But wow her voice just makes me instantly tighten and harden and my lips widen into a smile and my chest glow warm. Part of it is that I know she's really doing it just because I've told her how much I like it, overcoming her natural shyness just for me.

And I feel more connected to the rhythms of her by listening to her speech. It's actually pretty surprising how close the cadence and meter of her speech are to the way she types in IM. Maybe that's the same for everyone, I don't know. Being able to hear her breathe, pause while thinking, the rise and fall of her voice, its thickness in the early morning and its clarity in the afternoon: I feel so very intimate with her on a new level.

So there are some things we haven't done with our voices yet. I've left her some somewhat steamy messages, but nothing truly obscene like what I'd type to her. She hasn't yet sent me anything racy. And we've never actually had a spoken conversation to each other - either on the phone or in IM through the computer. (Well, one time way back when before I'd ever heard her voice, I talked a little while she typed, but that's just awkward and doesn't work too well.) In any case, I'm not in any rush to do either of these things, though of course my mind races forward in time and tries to imagine what it will be like. I'm actually quite perfectly content as things are - it's pretty magical as it is, and I'm kinda riding a wave of excitement about it all the time. As we get used to this new vocal side of things, I'm pretty sure we'll get to all that, but it can be at some vague undefined point in the future.

k is one incredible woman, and each time I hear her voice I feel the strength and joy and brilliance in her. Can't ask for much more than that!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Textual Healing

I mentioned in the last post that I wasn't able to get online much for a while, due to my work schedule, and I tried to make up for it with a lot of quickie emails and setting tasks for k to perform in my absence. Well there was another thing we did too, which was new and exciting and opened up some possibilities I hadn't thought of before: we started exchanging cell-phone text messages.

So a few times a day, I'd feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and I'd know that my special gal sent me a little message, and on my next break I'd send her something too. I was able to feel so connected to the overall rhythm and pace of her day, another case of bridge-building (see my last post). One day she even overcame her natural shyness to send me a text message with dirty words in it, which instantly had the physical effect on me that I imagine she desired.

So no, it's not half as good as actually being in IM or chat, and there's no way to cyber like that (visions of sprained thumbs and frustrating waits), but keeps us in each other's thoughts quite nicely, thank you very much.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Bridge-Building

OK it's been a while since I posted here, because of various work-related real-life stuff, bleh. But things between me and k have continued to get better and better, despite the fact that we haven't been able to be online together much lately. One of the reasons is that we have discovered the joys of what I'll call "tasks," for lack of a better word.

So the idea is hardly original, but what happens is that I'll give k some specific activity to perform in my absence, which we'll talk about later. It might be something like telling her to masturbate before she goes to sleep, or to whisper my name to herself 7 times at noon, or to squeeze her own breasts in front of a mirror in a certain way, or whatever. The mind boggles
at the possibilities, really. But it all amounts to the same thing: I'm trying to reach through and past the internet connection and touch her real life in some way.

One great part of tasks is that it's a real D/s thrill. Issuing orders and having them carried out, especially if they are just a little bit out-of-the-ordinary (and more especially if they relate to ideas of sexual domination), is just so hot. But more than that, it's been a great way to feel like I'm in contact with my subbie during a busy time when IM chat is impossible. I know that she's doing something for me, feeling my presence with her even when I'm not "there." Frankly, her submission and willingness to perform these tasks is pretty damned inspiring, driving me to come up with more creative ideas each time.

And the best thing of course is that, as I said, I feel like we have a life "together" beyond the times when we're both online at the same time. (I keep putting these things in quotes, trying to convince myself that it's not real life, when it feels so much like it most of the time) k obeys me and feels me with her through her real life, and I feel closer to her because of it. It's something I wouldn't have thought to do until the collar, something that's added a new depth and meaning to our relationship.

So glad and proud that we've started to build a bridge between the online and offline parts of our lives.