Step by Step

Well after reading my magnificent k's delicious post from the other day, I was struck anew by the power of the webcam. I really wasn't expecting the reaction she talked about so eloquently, and it did set me off on one of those emotional flights of dominance and love which are becoming ridiculously common these days. I mean, this kind of constant euphoria isn't normal is it? Certainly never has been in my life prior to this.

I've been blogging a lot lately about the visual side of things in our relationship, and I'm going to do that again today. As I've talked about a few times in the past (for example here), my sweet and beautiful k has a major sense of shyness and self-consciousness about the way she looks. I've never had a real driving, pressing need to see her, but I've considered it to be an area I wanted to work on with her. For lots of reasons, chief among them that we do plan to meet face-to-face one day, and I think that messing around with webcams is a good way to prepare for that. A real-life meeting will already have plenty of surprises and unpredictability, so why not get some of it out of the way beforehand? If I can get her past some of her self-confidence issues now, it can only make things easier later on, right? I mean, we're not in the Abelard and Eloise days any more, might as well use the technology we can.

So since she got a webcam - geez almost 6 months ago now - we've been steadily preparing and experimenting and trying out different things. I started getting on my own webcam a lot with her, and she's been messing around, taking pictures for me now and then, and getting used to how the camera works and all. Just something we've been taking slowly, and I didn't have any particular timetable in mind or anything.

Then disarming k had her "moment" looking into my eyes on the webcam, and that attuned me to it more. Yesterday, we were having a bit of a scene together, and my girl was slipping deep into her subbie self, which of course has that feedback effect of getting me all "Dommed up." As it happened, she was in a place where she needed a reminder ... not a punishment exactly, but an assertion or affirmation of our D/s relationship that's more focused than what might occur during a regular scene (though I'm not sure if any of our encounters ever count as "regular" any more). In any case, I've become fairly good at sussing out these needs in k, sensing what it is she needs before it's verbalized.

And really if I hadn't already been thinking about the webcam so recently, it wouldn't have sprung into my mind. But it did, and I ran with it, feeling confident in that way that only comes from profound trust and knowledge. When I told her that I wanted her to flip on her webcam for me and show me her face for the first time, I had no doubt that she would do it. I felt her submission so strongly, knew it in my bones.

I saw the tight lines of worry and nervousness between her brows, the discomfort as she chewed her lip, the embarrassed dark-pink flush of her cheeks. But there she was, my beautiful k. Pure and gorgeous. Brilliant and full and wondrous. Being uniquely Mine in a new way. Being herself in a new way.

It was a moment of deep resonant joy.

We talked ... well, I talked and she mostly just looked into the camera. Streams of words pouring from me in some fruitless attempt to express the multifold oceanic splendor of her. I'm not even going to try and capture what she looked like, because (though she is stunningly beautiful) that wasn't exactly the point. Of course I did wax rhapsodic about it at the time, but this isn't the place for that

I'm also not going to talk about that vital immediacy of watching her facial expressions change. I'll avoid the topic of how it heightened my (already burgeoning) desire to be with her in the flesh. All these things I'll put in other posts, I'm sure.

Today I want to celebrate that my suprising and magical k crossed another threshold with me. The tension in her face faded bit by bit, and I saw so much: her wonder at her own bravery, her renoucing of her own fears, her realization of the depth of her submission. I saw a surrender in her that filled me with sparkling emotional energy. I saw a love in her that took my breath away and made every molecule in the universe shudder for a moment. Wherever you were on monday at mid-day, I'm sure you felt it too. I know it traveled outward from some internet node where our eyes "met" ... radiating and expanding in waves and complex manifolds of elation. I know it was so powerful that everyone in the world must have felt it, if only for a heartbeat. Do you remember a stirring in the blood? a quaking in the air?

That was one-ten millionth of what I felt. I love this woman, heart, soul, mind, and skin.