on infinite repeat

Ironic endings

It's ironic the way life works sometimes. After the biggest most wonderful highs come the most soul crushing heart breaking falls. That seems to have happened for Irch and I. I won't go too far into specifics, but I feel like you all deserve a proper ending to all of this rather than just a forgetting by either of us.

Earlier this week, Irch encountered a crisis in his real life, one of such magnitude that he had to make a choice. Possibly one of the most difficult choices to make - between me and his real life and the people in it. I'm sure you all, judging by the way I've begun this post, can guess which decision he ultimately came to.

As much as it breaks both of our hearts Irch has decided the best thing to do in this situation is to release me from his collar and go about dealing with things in his real life. Such is part of the problem with online relationships, as much as we love and need one another, there are just somethings which demand our attention more.

So this week has probably been one of the hardest weeks I've ever had, it's hard to live your life in constant heart break, but each day we're moving on.

I'm not sure what will become of this blog, we're leaving it up, as a record of what we had. I am not sure if Irch will post anything about all this, he may. These past 16 months have been the happiest of my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Irch and I will continue to be friends, even though it is impossible for us to continue on as we have been doing, simply because neither one of us could imagine life where we no longer talked to the other.

I am just so glad we had this place to share some of ourselves with you all, to show the world what we had and maybe even help some people in similar situations. Thank you all for your love and support over this past year, it has meant so much to both of us. I have loved the support and comments we've gotten since we started, it has been so encouraging to know there are people out there in similar situations dealing with some of the same things, and even to know that people were actually reading about us. I have loved sharing us with you, and I am sad that I won't have the chance to do that any longer.

It's amazing how everything you love and hope and dream for can be taken away in one swift motion leaving you with nothing.

So we'll see how things go, day by day.

Togetherness

So I found this very nice post in kaya's blog, which expresses quite well the feelings I have about long-distance relationships like the one my scrumptious k and I have. As she and I discuss more intensely our desires to be together in the flesh and the powerful magnetic pull between us over the miles, it's refreshing to find a "defense" of online D/s. I have a long history of posting various ramblings and musings on this topic here in the past, and I won't bring that all up again, but I will talk a little about a few big milestones we've been going through lately, which have made me feel more and more interlinked with her, more in love with her, more her Master than ever (and yes, I know I've said that about a hundred times now, but really it just keeps getting better and more intense with this woman):

1. Well you've read about the collar in expressive k's previous post. I never thought it would feel as good as it does to know that she is wearing it, every moment, touching it for strength and comfort. To know that every breath she takes passes through that loop, that something symbolizing my love is surrounding her every minute of the day. And beyond all that, just knowing that she wants to wear it, willingly displays a sign of our connection for all to see. Powerful and humbling.

2. I posted here last week about how we've been sending pictures back and forth more often, since we both have the cellphones with cameras in them. Well one night recently, my surrendering k got deep down into her subbie mode, and I decided the time was ripe, so I demanded and got something that I've been holding back on for quite a long time. Yep, I have now seen my subbie naked. I'll probably have to do a whole long separate post on all the wonderfully complex interwoven emotions that came to the fore from that. But the first and most obvious thing to say: k is just stunningly beautiful. I don't think I'll ever be able to put into words here or anywhere just how gorgeous and glorious she is, nor how brave and obedient and trusting to show me herself that way. Just wow.

3. I send packages of various things to my bouncy surprise-loving k quite often. And yesterday I sent something out of the ordinary. Inspired by this post on Desire-X, I sent my love a shirt that I wore through the day. She'll probably get it in the mail tomorrow, and I'm kind of half-giddy thinking about it. This will be the closest we've come to the realms of touch and smell.

4. Scholarly k has been very responsive and eager follow through on all the writing and research involved in her applications to graduate school, too. I keep swelling up further with pride and sometimes I think I'm going to just burst. And "burst" in other ways too, because as I've mentioned many times, her hardworking focused brilliance turns me on like nothing else.

5. With not much time for online play, we've been having more phone sex, and fuck it has been just so hot I am having a hard time sitting still in my chair just remembering some of it. A few days ago I administered a spanking to her over the phone, only the second time I've tried that (I know it seems ridiculous, but I'll get into how it works some other time). It was profound and sensual and explosive and wild. Similar to getting the pictures from her (see number 2, above), in that I got her to say things out loud that she'd never said before. I heard a new depth of submission in her voice, and unsurprisingly I reacted instinctually, rising to a new height of dominance.

So there are a few updates, some of which I'll elaborate on in the upcoming days. I am just so high on my succulent subbie, so madly in love with her, made so complete and so transcendent by her.

And have I mentioned she has one hot gorgeous desire-fueling body that I lust after? How is it possible that his unparallelled, complex, fantastic, exquisite creature belongs to me?

on Christmas Gifts

So as you all know, Irch asked me to do a little blog post on His mystery Christmas gift. But first we have to reveal the mystery gift.

It was ...*pause for dramatic effect*... a collar!

Irch and i have never really done the whole collar thing, well not until several months ago when He sent me a few necklaces He'd made and i would wear one as sort of a makeshift collar. The one i opened at midnight on Christmas eve, though, this is one that i wear every day now. It is simply His initial on a chain, though the fun part is my own initial is worked into His, so it's perfect for us.

It's not anything fancy, or anything that is obviously a collar. But to me it is so much more than just a necklace or a collar or anything i could even think to describe it. I haven't yet been able to put into words, and i doubt i will now, just how much i love wearing His collar. I mean yes, i've done that since i first became His, but now to have an actual physical representation of what we've had for 16 months now, it's just so intense. To actually feel it pressing against my skin, to know that it is always there, that His lips touched this thing which rests against my chest every day. It's just more than i could have hoped for.

I love holding it, and playing with it during my day. It's a source of comfort for me when things get particularly frustrating at work or anytime during the day. I can just breath and feel Him there with me, actually feel the weight of His strength, and i am reminded that i'm never alone. I must have been a really good girl this past year, because really it's the best.

There is so much more emotion and love wrapped up in wearing His collar, but i am having trouble finding the right words to describe it, how can you put so much into just a few words. I am just so many things to Irch, but wearing His collar makes clear the most important: i am His slave. I doubt i could ever find enough or the right words to tell you all just how much i love and am loved by my wonderful Irch, and what being His really means, but for now just know it is the most amazing and beautiful life changing thing i have ever experienced.

Morning Rituals

In the morning, I shower, brush my teeth and hair, shave my face. And the person I see in the mirror - that is k's Master.

What a profound joyful transcendent moment every single day. So in love with my girl. Life is good.

See and Be Seen

Since my glorious k and I have had difficulty finding time to be online together lately (work schedules plus evening activities plus the time difference all add up to frustration sometimes), I haven't been able to pursue one of the main goals I've wanted to focus on these past months: using the webcam together more often.

Now in case you haven't been following along lately, my outstanding k has opened herself up to the possibilities of the webcam more, and she's also become markedly less shy about sending me pictures of herself, either by request or just when she feels like it. This kind of trust and openness has been a wonderful thing, and something I don't take for granted by a long shot. She is one gorgeous woman, and it's always shocking to me how the look in her eyes can floor me in an instant - all those years of only knowing her through what she typed never prepared me for just how physically beautiful and alluring she is. I find myself wanting more and more.

So since the webcam has been hard to find time for, I went out and got myself one of those camera cell phones about a month back. Now in spare moments at work or at home or at the grocery store or wherever I am, I can snap a picture to send to her. She's got one too, of course, being of the generation for whom cell-phones are second nature, and she'll send me pictures from time to time as well.

All in all, it's been a lot of fun. But I find myself getting kind of manic about it from time to time. I'll send her several pictures in a day, showing my mood or where I am or something on the street that caught my eye. Part of this is the novelty, I'm sure, but it makes me wonder why I look for excuses to send these pictures of myself ... am I that much of an egomaniac? Why does it seem more "personal" somehow to do that rather than type a poignant and romantic message sometimes?

And we haven't even gotten into the realm of cock pictures. Yes, I snap these photos and send them along to her waaay too often. I have no idea why - just because I can, I suppose. I've always had a mild exhibitionist streak, but nothing like this before. I mean, intellectually I know that this is something she's seen before, and she already is aware that she turns me on in thousands of ways every moment. There's no earthly reason for it, but I keep on doing it. I mean, it's flattering to get such positive feedback from her and all, but I don't know if that's the primary motivation. There's definitely a big element of "hey look at me!" involved.

Seems like I'm rambling on today with no real point, so I'll try and make my next blog-post have some actual focus and cohesion. Meanwhile, I've imposed upon my succulent k to write a little bit about her special christmas present soon, so stay tuned!