What we did was, I twined a thin steel chain with tiny links around her waist and dipping into her most sensitive areas (am I allowed to use my usual filthy language in this blog I wonder?). Anyhow, imagine this picture, but without the layer of black clothing...
Anyhow, it was something that I've dreamed about and written about a little, and doing it was just so hot and so fraught with meaning and feeling and all that, I just don't even have the words for it.
But I know what you're thinking: all I did was type words on a screen and read the words she typed back. It's not like we were really doing anything. And of course you'd be right. But it's not that simple. There are twists to it...
The first twist is that, when it's actually happening, it feels incredibly real. Sure my fingers are flying over the keys and I'm sitting in a chair at a desk, but as far as my mind is concerned, I'm there with her and it's like her scent and her taste and the texture of her skin are so immediate, so proximate.
The second twist is that, afterwards, when remembering the scene, I don't remember sitting at a desk typing, I remember what was constructed in my head, the scene we played out together. So, for all intents and purposes, I have a real memory. That only leaves this little space in between the time when we're typing the scene and the time when I first recall it - that's the only space in which its 'realness' is fluid. And usually I'm so flooded with emotions (and ummm... sometimes busy cleaning up) that I don't really notice.
So when it comes to a scene like the one we had, you realize what a romantic medium cybersex is. I try to imagine doing this thing with the chains in real life, sort of taking a step back from the scene, and I bet it could be very hot with some forethought and good planning, and doubtless the emotional side of it would have been just as strong. But could it have attained that perfect pristineness? Nah, probably there would have been a lot of "hey lift your butt again for me, I don't quite have this threaded correctly" and "ouch that's pinching," etc, etc. That's what happens in real life, and the other is what happens in romanticized fiction.
Now here's the big overarching poing though: the real world and the fictive world are parallel entities. I mean, that's why we read novels and listen to stories and go to movies and everything. And why we write novels and tell stories and make movies. We're trying to say something about our existence, the way the world works, the way we are connected to each other. Even in a throwaway science fiction book or a by-the-numbers slasher movie, the connection is implicit - to follow the narrative is to be inside a life and find its parallels with your own. In cyber, the participants have choices about the level of interpenetration between online and r/l. My k and I have chosen to be honest with each other about r/l stuff, and we're able to slide very easily from the quotidian to the erotic... but even if we didn't, the connection we make and the feelings we arouse in our scenes would still be real. More real (at least to me) than those prompted by books or film.
So I really feel like I've placed those chains on k, and all the symbolism and emotion that goes with that threatens to burst my heart at times. It surges beyond the confines of the computer and informs my real life. I'm a different - better - person because of her. The bond between us is strong. I miss looking into her eyes when she's not here, even though I've only ever seen those eyes in dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment