Stormy Weather

What is is about thunderstorms and torrential rain that gets me so worked up these days? This is a fairly new phenomenon for me - just in the last 2 or 3 years. When there's a downpour outside I get so damn horny. And for really aggro, rough sex too. It's been raining on and off the last few days here, and I can't think of anything else but just taking my k and ... well basically just *taking* my k.

There's the sensual side of rain - big fat drops splatting on everything, the cliche pitter-pat on the windowpane, getting all cold and drenched, the rumble of thunder and the cracking streak of lightning flashing in the sky. Just things that remind you that you're part of nature and all that. The idea of pent-up energy in the form of water just being released and flowing down to the ground...

And there's a poetic side too - the rain and the lightning being threads connecting sky and land, the life-giving water making the earth fertile and all.

And yes, there's a D/s element too. Actually that may be the reason that I started getting into the sexual part of storms a few years ago, coinciding with when I started experimenting with my Dom side. And it would also explain why this particular rainy season has been affecting me so seriously, now that I'm in a relationship with k. The D/s deal with storms is that they just come sweeping over the landscape, unstoppable, sometimes out of nowhere, dark clouds rumbling and letting loose on the land, the rain just inescapable and all-encompassing, full of power and promise, irresistible, pelting away at the landscape and everything on it, loving it and punishing it and giving it what it craves.

yeah, I'd say I've got a little storm fixation... swear if I lived in Seattle I'd never get anything done...

day by day

Every day with my k is a beautiful day. Life has just become a grand, brightly-colored, musical thing since knowing her, and somehow that's all been magnified in the last few months since the collar. I've almost gotten used to being surprised and thrilled by her every day.

Then she goes and posts something like she did yesterday, and once again I'm awestruck, shaken to my bones. It's like everything before has been skimming the surface, and I'm getting a glimpse of this complex burgeoning world beneath. Possibilities expand, horizons recede, the landscape is suddenly more verdant and lush and dramatic.

I've had this kind of feeling a handful of times with k, but each time it floors me. Makes me want to be everything for her. That's just love methinks.

I can't read her previous post without getting ragingly hard either. Actually a few words are enough to set me off - and it's a deeply-felt center-of-my-heart kind of arousal too, like my mind is vibrating and sending a humming wave of bliss through every cell of my body.

I look through what she said, and tell myself that there's nothing really all that new there. It's all stuff she's said before at one time or another, bit by bit. But reading it all in one place, and in a public kind of forum... That's special. That's golden. That's just love.

Oh and if you can believe this, on the same day she wrote that amazing blog entry, she also wrote a sexy story for me. She's a treasure, I tell you. An embarrassment of riches, my k.

It can be tough having a subbie who's perfect, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

That is indeed just love.

Something Surprising

I know Irch has said this over and over again, but the most surprising thing to me about our growing relationship is how real it is. I never went out looking to form a lasting relationship with anyone when i first started coming online. So it was originally surprising when i was able to remain friends with Irch for so long, especially after i was collared by another dom. That had never happened before.

Chatrooms were just a nice outlet for the sexual frustration i was feeling in my real life. It was nice to have someone to talk to about all the things i keep hidden in my real life. (Taking a step back from this: We should all know that in the flesh i am extremely shy, i almost never swear, and you would never suspect me of being the little sexual deviant i am online - though i'm sure that's the way it is with most people) It was just nice to find people who i didn't have to be worried about what they though of this side of me.

So chatrooms were really more about being able to find that little niche for that part of my personality and nothing more than that. So you can imagine how surprising it was to find Irch and become fast friends. I found myself sharing about my personal life and the life i had completely separate from chatrooms and the protocol of online (Side track again: That was another nice thing about chatrooms, the protocol ... it gives you something to hide behind and it's always fun for a laugh).

And most surprising of all, he didn't run away when things got personal. He didn't shy away from me when i would share intimate details from my past and childhood. In fact he was even supportive and could sympathize with me. It was so nice to have that too. Sure i have friends in my real life who i can share with about personal details from my life but there is always a little part of me that feels like i have to watch what i say and just be careful with letting people to close. I've never really felt that with Irch - i've always had a calm about him and never really felt the need to be someone completely different from who i really am.

So in the past few months the most surprising thing to me is how real our relationship has become. I know He's said this over and over again, but really it never fails to amaze me how much i feel for Him. Because in the end He is a man on the other side of a computer screen, who i will probably never meet face to face. However, He is so much more than that to me.

It's so hard to explain all the emotions i feel towards this man. I love him ... which is crazy in and of itself. He makes me laugh, and smile, and ache for him, he's hurt me, he surprises me constantly, he comforts me. All in all he's just really a wonderful man, who i am so happy to call mine.

It's just so surprising to me, that i am able to feel all these things for a man i've never really met. But that fact doesn't make any of my emotions any less real. Even when we're not actively talking online, or exchanging text messages, or voice mails i still think of him constantly. He is almost always on my mind and if that's not real i don't really know what is.

And that's just surprisingly wonderful to me.

keep it real

I'm in one of my moods today. I start daydreaming about what life would be like real-time with my k, and once I get started I can't stop. It's an idle pursuit, and one I probably shouldn't let myself take, but my mind gets going and races off.

I can't imagine a future where k and I have a r/l relationship. Hang on, let me put that better: I can imagine it, and do so with increasing frequency and in great vivid detail. But I can't imagine that a situation would arise when it would be prudent or even possible. I've known all along, and you can even search back into early blog posts here to see, that k and I have an incredible, wondrous, beautiful, constantly-amazing relationship online (and now on the phone sometimes), and she is an integral part of my daily life, but: we are not going to be arguing over what color couch to buy or who left the cap off the toothpaste any time soon.

In a way, that's a shame. I know that this is supposed to be what's so nice about online relationships - all the good fun stuff and none of the daily grind - but I guess part of me craves the daily grind too. And yeah, you can read two meanings into "daily grind" if you like, ya buncha perverts ... Anyway, one of the things I love about my k is that she's a great person all-around: funny, exuberant, brilliant, witty, sensual, devoted, caring. (The list of adjectives goes on and on, but those are a few of the highlights.) I'd truly love to spend time with her in the real world, even just to hang out and be silly dorks together.

Something that I've enjoyed a lot since we've become a couple is how fluid and easy it is to transition from talking about our days or helping each other with work or playing a game online, into this sort of "flirting zone," and then sometimes back into quotidian stuff or sometimes into a scene. Those smooth transitions are just so sweet and delicate and natural, like a leaf being pulled by gravity and fluttering down to rest. And I think that I'm wanting that experience in real life, which honestly I haven't had in a decade or so now. To be doing something boring and everyday, but to have the atmosphere charged with energy. To know that with the right turn of phrase or a well-placed hand, I could alter the meaning of everything. And to know that she has the same ability. It's that potential for intimacy that I've been longing for with k.

So yes, I know to a large extent this is a function of our inability to spend online time together lately (and for a few more weeks). Once we're able to be close again all the time, these daydream fantasies will recede a little (though they'll never go away - I've been having them to one degree or another almost since I met her). Truly, I'm just so thankful to have her in my life at all - I really need to focus on the positives here.

Meanwhile, we had another phone conversation today. Our third, if you don't count the couple of times I was actively trying to make her cum for me over the phone lol. And, while I can still hear the addictive bright pitch of tension in her voice, it's getting more relaxed. It was the first time in a long time that she and I were able to actually have a conversation. Only for a few minutes, really, but it was such a rush and such a relief at the same time. Took the sharpest edge off my thirst for her, I guess. Man do I still need her though. So much that it's difficult to breathe from time to time.

I'm not sure if I'll post again here before the holidays start, so merry christmas, happy hanukkah, happy kwanzaa, happy new year, joyous solstice, etc., etc., to anyone and everyone reading! enjoy the season.

dualism

Well I don't know about you all, but this blog has gotten way more interesting to me in the last couple days, what with k starting to post and all. I've actually learned some stuff about her that I hadn't known, thanks to the miracle of the blog-world, I guess. Well really it's more like viewpoints and glosses on things that I hadn't heard from her before, but who knows where it might all lead?

I mentioned before that k and I are in a sort of holding pattern for the next month, with our chances of getting to chat in IM very limited. So it's been lots of text messaging and voice mails and all, and now I guess the blog is coming into play too. It makes a nice addition, I think. Easier to get reflective and philosophical here than in a regular email.

I have no idea if there's anyone out there reading this blog at all, and I guess in the end I don't care all that much, but don't you all think it's more fun to read now?


In other news: a couple nights ago, we had what might have been the hottest text-message "conversation" ever. Yeah, it's pretty tough to really get going when you have to fight thumb-cramps and only type 120 ascii-characters at a time and then sit and wait for 3 or 4 minutes till the next message comes. But we managed to make each other super-horny, and that made me feel real good.

It reminded me that k and I have long and real history of cybersex together. We know what to say to turn each other on. We have memories and imaginative 'spaces' we've constructed together over the years to fall back on. So it's not always just the continuous flow of words (a la IM) that's arousing, but also my knowledge of that person on the other end of the computer or phone. I know her, and the idea of who she is turns me on to no end.

I'm proud to say that I must have done a decent job with my text messages, because my girl went and came for me, then texted back about how wet she was and how good it felt. I imagined her carefully trying to push the phone buttons without getting them too sticky, and I imagined the ringing sigh that's always in her voice as she catches her breath afterwards. It was a nice night, and a fun activity to engage in when sick ;)

a look into the past

Hi folks, k again. Well Irch is feeling better, so yay for that.

He also seemed to enjoy my hijacking the blog yesterday so i thought it'd be a good time to do it again. And just elaborate a bit more on some of my entry.

As i mentioned previously, i was collared once before. To a friend, we'll call him Richard. I met Richard a few months before i'd met Irch and we formed a fast friendship. We both lived in the same state, he was nice and soft spoke and just very similar to me. He was sweet, kind, and easy to talk to. In general he was just so much different than everyone else in the room. He really was such a dork, but in a sweet way. I can't say now what first really started drawing me to him, perhaps that he was nothing if not persistent.

When he asked me if i would wear his collar, it was very out of the blue for me. I knew we had been forming a budding friendship and i loved spending time with him, but i hadn't really ever thought about our relationship going past that up until that point. Though thinking about it then, it didn't seem like a bad idea. i loved being with him, he was so very nice.

Really, if you don't know this yet, i am a big dork. I really just have a fascination with the whole collaring ideal. It's true i wanted a cliche and really i think i just overlooked alot of the facts on order to get that when i accepted the collar.

Soon after accepting Richard's collar things started changing between us. He became much more ... i don't know what the right word really is, but he was just alot different. Slowly the very sweet and soft spoke man i'd grown to love became demanding, rude, and just a bit mean. It was slow and not quite so obvious but looking back on that i can really see it.

And then it was over, he stopped talking to me, he didn't respond to my emails, and when i came into chat and he was there he would leave or pretend like nothing was wrong. It was very surreal and then there i was alone once more and very hurt and confused.

That is the thing about being involved with someone online, it's so easy for them to just simply disappear and never talk to you again. Like everything you had just never even existed. And that's a harsh reality that you have to accept when you do decide to get involved online. I remember one of the first things that Irch ever said to me was either one of us could be someone completely different than what we said, people do it all the time, for all i knew i could have been talking to an 80 year old fat man and so could he. But that's just one of those things you have to know.

Irch was there for me throughout my relationship with Richard, he was such a good friend to me, even celebrating with me when i told him about the collar. And he remained a goof friend during the course of the relationship. And when Richard disappeared from my life Irch was there still, he was there to help me through if i needed it, he was a shoulder for me to cry on and an ear for me to vent to. There is nothing that i appreciate more than that.

Irch really is just a wonderful man and i am so happy to belong to him, he is everything i was chasing back then and everything i want now. i love that he wants me and is constantly reminding me of that. He is so wonderful and really i am the luckiest gal around.

A little out of the ordinary

Hi folks, k here ... i'm hijacking my wonderful Irch's journal for the afternoon to say a few things.

My poor Master has been ill for the past few days and let me tell you folks that's just not fun, for either of us. So while he's finishing being ill i've decided to take this time to share a little bit about Him, since he's been oversharing about myself for sometime now.

I've known Irch for sometime now, several years infact. I remember the first time i met him, under rather unusual circumstances. But we'll leave that out for now. He'd been someone i'd been admiring for a while, though i hadn't yet worked up the nerver to actually talk to him.

So how nice was it to hear that he'd been watching me too.

I was enjoying my time in the chatrooms, though it was getting to be a little trite. I don't know if Irch noticed this or not about chatrooms, but for a girl, especially a submissive, it's all about trying to hide from trolls. It just was a hassel anytime i wanted to go into a chatroom to enjoy sometime with my friends. As i'm sure many other subs know.

So around the time i met Irch, i made friends with a rather nice Dom. Irch and i made fast friends, not only did he not press me like many of the other "doms" in the room but he was just so easy to talk to so during our blossoming friendship, i was asked by a friend to be collared. He was a wonderful friend and really deep down that was something i really wanted, no matter how cliche. So i accepted partly because i loved him, partly because i thought he loved me, partly because i wanted to be left alone, and partly to fulfill a fantasy of mine.

As i'm sure we all know, that dissolved a few months down the line. Through everything though Irch has been a wonderful friend, we've had our own up and downs but he's always been there when i've needed him. And that's one thing i treasure most about him - i know we will always be friends.

It's so wonderful that our relationship now has grown out of our friendship. It may have taken us years to get here, up and down lots of winding roads and through some hard times. But after everything there is no one else i would rather belong to right now. There is no one else i would rather call mine and there is no one else i would rather have for a friend.

Irch is my friend, my lover, my Master.

I be illin'

It seems I am sick. Feverish and nasty from head to toe. So why is it that I am so horny and in need of my k's sweet submission?

Usually, feeling ill just saps my libido, but today I'm craving my girl, despite all the unwanted nonsense my body is up to. I wonder if maybe this has something to do with the fact that our relationship isn't the usual physical kind (though it sure feels like it most of the time), so physical limitations aren't in play the same way. So technically I could be the same ever-so-suave casanova I always am, even if I'm coughing up a lung over here.

Or maybe it's just a power thing - feeling weak makes me want to reach out to k and be in control of her.

Or maybe it's that weird dissociative feeling I get when I'm sick - feeling half-disconnected from reality. And I need a human connection to fix that.

Or maybe I'm just an insatiably randy bastard...

half a week of bliss

Alright, what's the big old grin on my face about, you ask? Well I've been riding high on k the last few days. No, we haven't been able to spend as much time together as we'd like, but at least we've had some time. And we've made some very nice use of it

The other day we actually had quite a few hours back-to-back to spend together, and they were pretty much full of one rip-roaring smoking-hot scene. The kind where, even now a few days later, thinking back on it makes you go "gah" and get all glassy-eyed and breathe funny. It was long and intense and multi-staged and just real good.

There was one part that bugged me a little afterwards, though, and it's a result of this blending of friendship and love and D/s that I keep nattering on and on about, and more generally a result of how r/l and o/l life have overlapped to a larger degree than ever before for me. During our scene, I was struck by a need to punish her. I wanted to assert my dominance and wanted her to experience the searing pleasure/pain in a hard spanking and harsh words. And more than that, I wanted it to be deserved - for her to know that her behavior got her into trouble and that I was correcting that.

The problem: k has been just wonderful and deliciously submissive and altogether acquiescent to my wishes. Ergo, nothing to punish her for.

Yeah you see my problem?

So I ended up sort of grasping at straws and picking out some minor "infraction" that I really didn't care about, and working it up into a big deal to keep the scene going the way I wanted it to. Now a year ago that would have sufficed and been exactly what I wanted. (Actually a year ago, k wasn't mine, and the idea of punishing someone who is mine to punish - and correct and nurture and mold and encourage and all that - that's what's hot about it. So I guess a year ago it wouldn't have happened.) Anyhow, now that I've experienced the thrill of intertwined D/s and love, I'm not completely content with scenes that aren't working both sides of that equation to some degree.

And that's not to say that I want my k to misbehave on purpose just to get punished or something. That would also take things outside the frame of our real relationship. Probably I need to figure out what it was that prompted me to want to punish her in the first place that day, outside of the fact that I knew we'd both really enjoy it. To paraphrase method actors everywhere: "what's my motivation, man?"

So what happened was, after the scene was over and I'd turned this all around in my mind a bit, I told k that I really didn't think the supposed subject of her punishment was a big deal (which of course she knew), and that the punishment I had meted out was purely instructive - so that she would know what's in store for her if she ever stepped outside the boundaries that we've been constructing bit by bit.

Yep. Lame, I know. But best I could do.

And I don't want to make it sound like it ruined the whole scene for me or anything. On the contrary, it was just awesome all the way through, and one of my cherished memories with her already. If it hadn't been for that one little nagging detail it might have been the most intense ever. And the nagging detail really didn't present itself as a problem till afterwards anyway. During the scene, I felt pretty justified. Unlike some Doms, I really don't get off on the power trip of arbitrary punishment. If it's deserved, great. If we mutually decide that a spanking would be fun for all involved, also great. Me saying "I own you and therefore will inflict pain on you whenever I feel like it," not so great. Because it's not the pain that gets my toes curling, it's the mindfuck of it all. It's her willing submission and the idea that I'm guiding her sensory experiences with her complete trust. Underneath it all, it's the sense that her pleasure is the ultimate outcome, and that I'm responsible for it, that floats my boat. Nothing against Dom/mes who hurt just for the sake of hurting of course, just not my thing.

So have I over-analyzed that enough yet?

OK well after that we had some time over the next day and a half to send some fun emails and text message and all, then yesterday we ended up having a very curtailed amount of time together. I mean like less than an hour, all due to my crazy schedule as usual.

So I wasn't really planning to start anything, since k was on a deadline and didn't need an unfinished scene keeping her sexually frustrated on top of that. But one thing led to another, and we ended up having our second round of phone sex. And it was as scrumptious as the first. *giant smile*

In some way I think the time pressure added to the intensity, so that was fun. Another fun thing was that, unlike last time, we talked just a tiny bit as we were easing into the scene, so I got to hear her go from her normal everyday speaking voice (though yes, it had that lovely pitch of tension in it that communicated her nervousness and horniness) to her gasping and moaning. So yes, that was quite excellent, as you can imagine. The voice that leaves me voicemails about her car-repair woes morphed into the voice that leaves me voice-mails that are essentially a record of an orgasm. It's always great to be reminded that those voices are really the same and belong to one person. (I'm reminded of this daily in text form, of course, but as I've mentioned before, there's something more physical about the voice.)

And also I was feely cocky and went ahead and tried some baby steps towards making it a little more interactive. I still did the vast majority of the talking, but a couple of times I asked her simple one-word-answer questions, and she managed to squeak out answers. Mmm that was quite a rush too.

Goes without saying that hearing her cum for me, just for me, because I took her there and because I reached into her with my voice and opened the tangled bundle of tension and let it explode, hearing her cum and then tell me she loves me ... yeah that's just never going to get old. Wow.

And I repeat: Wow.

So yeah it's been a real nice half-week here, all things considered. We're going to have a long dry spell coming up, with very limited chances to communicate till mid-January, so it was sure nice to have that time. But I'm hoping at the end of that, we'll have lots more regular "meetings" and time to indulge our lusts and love.

And here I was sure I'd get Bogart...

So I'm a little upset that I'm not Humphrey, and what's up with that low "charming" score eh? I got so much fucking charm it's dripping out of my ears...

Meanwhile, yeah I guess a Dom sure could do worse than being compared with John Wayne ;)

John Wayne You scored 71% Tough, 14% Roguish, 4% Friendly, and 9% Charming!

You, my friend, are a man's man, the original true grit, one tough talking, swaggering son of a bitch. You're not a bad guy, on the contrary, you're the ultimate good guy, but you're one tough character, rough and tumble, ready for anything. You call the shots and go your own way, and if some screwy dame is willing to accept your terms, that's just fine by you. Otherwise, you'll just hit the open trail and stay true to yourself. You stand up for what you believe and can handle any situation, usually by rushing into the thick of the action. You're not polished and you're not overly warm, but you're a straight shooter and a real stand up guy. Co-stars include Lauren Bacall and Maureen O'Hara, tough broads who can take care of themselves.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Tough You scored higher than 31% on Roguish You scored higher than 2% on Friendly You scored higher than 7% on Charming

Link: The Classic Leading Man Test written by gidgetgoes on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Correct as Usual

So lately my k has been very hard at work, and one of the main things she has to do in her work is write. In the past (pre-collar days), she'd been a little shy about the work stuff she wrote, but once in a while I'd get to read something that she was proud of and thought was polished. I've always loved this, of course. Any time I get a glimpse into her r/l it's a good thing. Plus she's a really great writer, no matter if she's writing smut or not, and even stuff that you might think of as dry comes to life with her pen. Of course, I'm also just filled with wonderment every time I have the opportunity to see her amazing mind at work explaining or arguing something on the page. To think that the woman who wrote this brilliant piece also thinks that I'm an alright guy to trust and submit to - that's pretty damn flattering.

Anyhow, in recent weeks I've been lucky enough to be involved with some of her writing before it's at the final stage, which is even more stimulating for me. Beyond that, I think that once in a while I may have actually helped a little! (Us Doms, and men in general, really like to feel useful.) Basically I've been proofreading, which is something I'm decent at, but the side benefit is that I get to see her ideas forming and solidifying over the course of a few drafts, which is way cool. In addition, I get to feel like I'm more a part of her day-to-day life, also way cool.

The interesting part for me has been realizing how much the Dom aspect of my personality infects everything I do, especially when it comes to k. Generally it's not hard for me to just keep things on the "friend" level and suggest changes or fix minor problems of grammar or punctuation. But every once in a while I'll find myself wanting to make wholesale big changes or (even worse) actually argue points with her. Now even though this all occurs on a friendly kind of level, and I certainly don't mean anything bad by it (really all it means is that I find her writing provocative and I'm intellectually engaged by it), I recognize that I need to tamp that down and get a grip.

For the most part, I'm able to overcome these responses, though a little of it sneaks through now and then I'm sure. The interesting thing is that a few months ago I wouldn't have had any trouble keeping that under control. Nowadays, the Dom attitude in me is really right at the surface (and, not to sound like a broken record, but it's intertwined with everything else too). So the temptation is great to "correct" things which are in no way wrong, but I want to bring into alignment with my own way of thinking.

I am a total egomaniac, apparently. My view of how the world works is the only one and she will share that view or suffer the consequences! *visions of a harsh spanking, folllowed by k sobbing "yes Master, you're right, I overextended that metaphor..."*

OK, perhaps overstating just a little.

But it's funny that there's a little Dommish bump there on the otherwise smooth landscape of doing simple proofreading. I feel the bump, and it's really no effort to overcome, but at the same time I sort of treasure it being there, because it's inexorably linked to k, my love for her, my domination of her. And I don't see the bump growing to a real obstacle, nor do I see it disappearing any time soon. It's a nice little bump.

phoning it in

ah yes. Smiling happy Dom.

So my k and I had a wee bit of fun on the phone last night. It's been something like two whole weeks since we actually were able to play together online, and really something needed to be done. So I took the plunge and said I wanted to get her off over the phone. I had brought this up once before, a while back, and got a sort of interested-but-nervous response. But last night I could tell how badly she needed it, and the Dom in me stepped up and decided what was best for her ...

Yeah it was pretty awesome. I did all the talking, and she did all the cumming lol. Now I've been lucky enough to hear how my lovely k sounds when she's getting herself all worked up, thanks to the voice-message assignments I've given her. It was nice to have that as a guide, because I could tell from the tone of her voice and her delicious little squeals and moans and raspy breaths exactly how close she was getting. Made it easy to time things accordingly.

So there she was, a couple thousand miles away, listening to my voice, my words, her fingers busy between her thighs, her heart racing, her breath ragged, her mind in sync with mine. In a very real sense her body was under my control. I had the power to make her cum quickly or slowly, or to kill the mood altogether if I felt like it (but hell I sure didn't feel like that lol). She came gasping my name, god what a rush of pure energy that was - power and lust and love.

Did I mention that she came gasping my name?

Yeah, that needs to happen a lot more often

Since that moment, I've done a bit of thinking on how phone sex and cyber sex are so different, yet overlap a lot too. I mean, I know that when we are cybering, k is touching herself and getting all aroused and panting and finally cumming for me. And I just love that. We're together in a way that we aren't on the phone - creating the scene together, making the tension last longer because we are only stroking ourselves in r/l between taps at our keyboards. And really the eloquence that flows from her when she's getting close is just amazing - obviously she's a born writer.

But there was something altogether more physical about the phone. For one thing, I told her not to do any talking, just listen and respond, so the only things I heard where the aforementioned moans and gasps and other tasty things. Made me feel like I was right there with her, getting her physical reactions in real time just as I would if I were inside her for real. What an intense feeling. And unlike with reading text, there wasn't an extra layer of abstraction. I've talked before here about how that abstraction layer really just vanishes anyway, when we're in the midst of a scene, but it's one thing for it to vanish, and it's another thing for it not to have the possibility of existing, if you get what I'm saying.

And there's another component to the physicality of it too. When we scene in cyber, my mind is totally in the scene, and I feel like I'm living it out with her. This time, on the phone, it was like my brain was following two parallel tracks: One was the scene I was conjuring and communicating to her, the other was what was going on at her end of the phone. I couldn't help but picture my beautiful k with the phone at her ear, hand or hands plunged between her legs, sweat shining on her skin, mouth open, back arched, etc., etc. These images, of her actual r/l response, were all mixed up with the scene I was creating in my mind. And again it made me feel more like I was right there with her. And it was such a surge of power to know that the words I was saying were causing her body to respond in these wonderful visceral ways.

From my mind to my tongue. From my tongue to her ear. From her ear through her mind and body to her climax. I felt more than ever that she was mine: my girl, my pet, my subbie, my love.

And in case I didn't mention it, she came gasping my name...

faraway so close

Well it's been a reeeeeeeally long time now since my k and I have had some serious spans of time together, about 90% of it due to my work schedule and other crazy unpredictable r/l stuff. This is not a good thing. I try to act like a world-weary, aloof, in-control kind of Dom, but really I'm just aching for her.

Without the phone and the text messaging and the emails, it would be pretty unbearable, for sure. These things help a whole lot. But I need the "face time." I'm always feeling that strong bond between us, vibrating and pulling and informing everything I do, so it's really disappointing to have stupid stuff intervene, preventing me from enjoying that bond to its fullest.

I've always been completely aware that the idea of a collar and a long-distance internet relationship was going to have its problems, of course, but that doesn't stop those problems from being frustrating in the extreme. It will most likely be a whole week before I get to spend a decent amount of time with k again, and that's pretty heart-wrenching to think about. It makes me increase the number and complexity of the offline assignments I give her, and causes me to send text and voice messages at an alarming rate, too.

A couple of things happened yesterday which were magical, though.

The first thing: We managed to steal about an hour to be together in IM. k had had an excruciating day. I wasn't doing all that great myself, but a lot better than her I think. After catching up a little and sympathizing back and forth, we ended up having a nonsexual "scene," of just comfort and tenderness and love. So brief, but so sensual and good and just bone-deep happy. I felt like a great friend and lover, the way that I have when we've had similar scenes in the past. But there was a new dimension to it this time - I was really her Dom and she my sub. I wanted to just pull all the burdens off her and shoulder them myself, take away all the stress and frustration and anger and just let her unravel. I wanted her to lean on me, use my strength, empty herself of all the pain of the day and fill herself of me instead. Felt just incredible.

The second thing: I've given my k a few phone assignments, where she has to leave me a voice message with something I've asked for. Every single one of them has been so special and uniquely arousing, stirring very powerful feelings in me as I listen later. For the most part, I've tried to make these boundary-pushing assignments, where she has to overcome some shyness or fear to perform the task. So this last assignment was originally going to be just having her read some dirty x-rated words to me, since I know she's a little reticent about saying such things out loud a lot of the time. But as things happened, the assignment grew, and it turned into her reading to me one of her sex stories while she masturbated herself to climax. Mmhmm yep, you can imagine how awesome that was to listen to, in so many ways. And then at the end, she thanked me (part of the assignment) by name (not part of it), and told me she loved me (also not part of it) while still panting from the release of her orgasm. Now that's what I call a good voice message.

So obviously, even though we hardly spent any time actually together yesterday, it turned out to be quite a great day. Would have been better for sure if we had more time, but I really can't complain. There was a time when the first thing would have made me feel warm and happy and friendly, but wouldn't have gotten my Dom-ness going. And there was a time when the second thing would have gotten me super-aroused and a little Dom-ish, but not to the degree I achieved today. And of course there was a time when neither of the activities would have been so suffused with love and devotion. It's really impossible to separate that from anything now.

k will do a lot for me, and I will do a lot for her. And the list of things that we do for each other keeps growing and evolving. As I've said here twenty times already, the friendship and the D/s and the love are meshed and intertwined to such a degree that it's really crazy to try and pick a single motivation for anything we do together any more.

Life is wild and bold and electric and ecstatic because she is mine.

Anticipation

Well it's been one whole week since I've been able to spend any real time with my beloved k. Lots of emails and text messages and phone messages in between of course, and I love them, but it's just not the same as really spending time with her.

Now it seems funny, actually, to talk about it that way - after all, I'm not really actually with her in the usual sense. But being online together in IM (or even in a chatroom, but especially in IM) is the functional equivalent, I guess. It's how I met her and got to know her and fell for her and made her mine, after all. I guess it's possible that one day, if the two of us get past our nervousness and awkwardness in our phone conversations, that those might feel just as close. But even if that happened, I think that IM would still be our communication-medium of choice.

And there are some things that make IM and email better than phone and voicemail, too. Obviously, you get to choose your words more carefully and your brain doesn't have to race ahead and you don't usually stumble over each other's words and those sorts of things. But also there's a benign-ness to text. It's less immediate, more mediated, and it's easier to take a step back from it - something harder to do with a voice, which is always emotionally charged and intimate in a certain way. These qualities were brought into relief for me over the weekend.

So what happened was that k had some r/l trouble and was up late sorting it out and having a pretty emotionally distraught time of it, I think. And me, not knowing this is going on because I haven't checked my email or anything, call and leave her a couple hot-n-heavy voice messages. Now I don't know for sure because we haven't talked about it yet, but it doesn't take a lot of imagination to guess that maybe such voicemails are not exactly what someone's in the mood for when they're having r/l difficulties. So when I found out about it later, I felt like kind of a jerk.

Now if I had sent emails instead, I think it would have been better. First of all, because emails sit there in a list and you know who they're from and usually have a subject line telling you what they're about, so you can use all that to decide what you're in the mood to read, or at least mentally prepare yourself or something. Can't do that with the voice messages. Plus, though my purple prose is ever so passionate and poetic, it still doesn't have the same immediacy that the sound of someone's voice does. This is what's great about phone messages, of course, but it's a weakness too. Seems to me that with the text you can separate yourself from it a bit more, like when reading a novel. Yes, the words are connected to a real person, but the real-ness is of a different quality. I don't think I'm making too much sense here, but maybe I'll return to this topic later.

Now the flip side of the phone messages being inimate and immediate is that I got so incredibly turned-on by a certain message k left me that I've been hard for a week straight now, no joke. It's like a medical condition. So today, when we finally get to chat again, I'm hoping to release a bit of the pent-up energy that's been building. Licking my lips just thinking about it.

Authorship

I've had one memorable and amazing few days with my k. *grins hugely* I already blogged last time about the phone conversation, which is still reverberating in me and making me feel excited all the time. Then just recently I discovered something completely by accident on the while trolling around the internet: k has a website full of really great erotic stories that I hadn't known anything about.

Now I had mixed reactions to this at first. My immediate thought was "wow! more stories!" followed quickly by "why hadn't I heard about this before?" Then a bunch of other more swirly kinds of feelings that I'll get into below.

Now k is just a hell of a writer, truly, and I've loved reading her stories over the couple years that I've known her, the sexy ones and the non-erotic ones. Even the unsexy ones have such an incredible way with sensual detail that sometimes you forget that it's not meant to be taken as erotic. So I've always been a huge fan, and it's thrilled me when she's written stories just for me, stories about us, maybe based on our scenes, one time written as one of my "assignments" for her.

So yeah I was a little taken aback for a while that she had this secret little stash of stories, especially when I started to read them and found them so arousing and great and some of them wonderfully unlike anything she'd written before. Really I was more excited to read them and learn about this "hidden" side of her than I was disappointed about not knowing sooner.

But as I read, I started to ruminate too. And this guilty stalker-ish feeling rose up in me. Now this is probably a good place to talk about the time several months ago when I really did act like a psycho stalker, much to my own shame. This was before the collar, but k and I had been spending pretty much all our online time together. There were a couple of days when she wasn't able to get online but I was, and I missed her, and so I started doing google searches on her email address and stuff, and found a fansite she belonged to and even a personal-diary-type blog. Now a more noble person would have never started looking in the first place, or at least stopped there. But no, I actually read through the last few blog entries before I got disgusted with myself. Not my proudest moment. Told her about it right afterwards, and I haven't looked since, but I still get a bit nasty-feeling when I remember it.

Anyway, there was more than a bit of that feeling in me when I read these stories, but a few things kept me going: (1) I really did stumble on them by accident. (2) This wasn't her personal life, but just a collection of her fiction writings. And the most surprising one of all: (3) I'm her Dom now. So, the first two justifications were ones that I think I'd have gone along with at any time in our friendship. But number 3 ... it was a little shocking when I took a step back and found myself thinking in those terms. Intellectually, of course, I know that she's my friend and she's entitled to have a r/l outside of our time together, and to share her talents with whomever, to be part of an online community of authors, and really to represent herself any way she wants to people, etc., etc. But something in me, something really new since the collar, was awake now. It was like I was watching over her, and I felt perfectly justified, in fact even compelled, to learn as much as I could about her, and to make everything that she does my own.

It was surprising and interesting and maybe slightly scary but mostly pretty darn fascinating to find this out about myself.

So I thought for a while that I'd keep my knowledge a secret from her and just watch from a distance, but who was I kidding? First of all, it still slightly irked me that she hadn't told me about it. Second of all, I can't deal with lying to her about stuff. And third of all, I had the plots of so many bad Love Boat and Three's Company episodes running through my head - you know, the ever-so-ironic-and-O'Henryesque plot device of two people keeping the same secret from each other. In the end, I kept the secret for all of like an hour.

(I didn't mean this posting to be a long narrative, by the way, but now that I've started, I'm sticking with it.) k didn't seem upset that I'd found her stuff, though maybe she was a little peeved at me and I couldn't tell, or maybe there was some other reaction going on, I really don't know for sure. But let's say that it was all copacetic with her - my guilty feelings were assuaged, my Dom feelings were justified. I still think that maybe she wasn't entirely happy I found her site, and I was still slightly uneasy that she'd kept it from me, but a whole lot less so.

So fast forward a couple days now. We had a truly great fun afternoon together and I was feeling really good about things. And this is where the story gets really good...

Overnight as I was sleeping, my stunning and perfect k wrote me a story and emailed it for me to find the next morning. Now getting a story from her is always a special occasion, and the few that she's written just for me are real treasures to me. But this one ... I don't even have the words to describe how this one touched me and made my heart want to burst in my chest. She wrote a story that was basically a scene from our real relationship - her description of how she carried out an assignment I'd given her, and how she felt about it at the time.

Unprecedented. And unimaginably great. All the stuff I've been writing about? here, how friendship and love and D/s feelings are all getting to be one big thing? with this story she basically confirmed that for me, told me she was feeling the same way, and bumped it all into overdrive. And that was only the beginning. (yes, I'm perfectly aware that I'm probably going out on a limb and reading waaaay too much into what was just a little story, but I can't help it...) I took the story as a sort of forgiveness for my snoopy and stalkerish actions, which felt great too. And yes, even farther out on that limb: I also took the story as a confirmation of my place in her life and in her heart. It was like she was saying, by the mere fact of writing something based on the limited r/l part of our relationship: "This is what's important and special. There's all that other stuff I do, but it's a different world from you and me." So yeah, that sure dispelled any lingering doubts that the secret stories had evoked in me, even if I'm reading things between the lines that aren't really there.

My k can write, and she can communicate things in her writing that are hard to say other ways. As I read and re-read the story and revisit the memory of it in my mind over the past couple days, the world just feels like it's bursting with bright color and bells and sweet smells. I've been just high on her ever since, my whole body thrumming and vibrating. And I've never felt more like a Dom, like her Dom, like she belongs to me in a sense that I hadn't heretofore allowed myself to think possible.

Not entirely sure how I got so lucky, but she's one in a million, my k. And all mine.

two months in...

Today marks two months since sweet k agreed to be mine. I was reading back over these blog entries the other day and realizing how much things have changed between us in such a short span of time. It's really been kind of dizzying and mind-reeling, in a euphoric way. On one hand, it's all been rather rapid and unprecedented (at least for me) as far as online relationships go, but on the other hand, it's all felt so very natural and organic and like our relationship is building at a pace that's "right." Sometimes I'm not 100% sure that k feels the same way I do about the pacing of things and the direction(s) we have gone, but then out of the blue she'll surprise me with yet another leap of trust, and suddenly it seems like we're so in sync that my heart can't fit in my chest anymore.

Last week, we spoke to each other on the phone for the first time. You can look at some of my earlier entries about how we've been leaving messages for each other, both the friendly and the sexy kind, but this was a real-live actual conversation. I was probably a lot more nervous than I should have been, but I'm going to call it "excitment" instead of nervousness. And in any case, once we got started talking, it
was pretty easy. We had agreed beforehand that our first convo was going to be brief, stilted, full of awkward pauses, and altogether strange. I guess it met those criteria to varying degrees, but mostly it was just ... well ... really wonderfully nice.

I discovered, or at least crystallized in my mind, something about my k that evening. She and I aren't all that different in the ways we present ourselves on the internet, and how we interact with people there. Now for me, the internet started out as artifice and play-acting, developed into a sort of "online persona," which was a sort of distorted version of me, and then finally became just pretty much "me." Now this current incarnation is still a little variation on me of course, because nobody can truly be exactly the same person on the internet, because of the nature of the medium. But I've tried as hard as I'm able and I've gotten as close as I think humanly possible.

This is not to say that I'm completely "me" all the time and with every person. When I'm with k, there's no question, of course. Even when we are scening, it's an extension of my desire and my actual physical self and my real emotions. Yeah, I'm sometimes prone to theatricalities and ignoring the laws of physics in scenes, but only because the medium requires it. Anyhow, the point is, that when I'm online chatting with some other friend, there's a little more artifice. If I'm in a chatroom with people I don't know, there's definitely more of a retreat into the online persona. (I should say by the way that I love the online personas people create, and that in general I think they speak to the imagination and smarts of the person "behind." In fact, this is one thing that made my girl so attractive and led to my wanting to get to know that real person.)

What I was trying to say, before I got side-tracked, was that k and I have both experimented with different "modes" of online life, and still experiment with them (witness this blog, which is a totally new experience for me). But it seems to me that we've both found this particular track, our relationship, a special and treasured thing, which deserves its own special modes and rhythms and space to grow.

This is one of the reasons that talking to her on the phone last week was such an incredible moment for me. I know it was a big jump for her, as it was for me too really, and that was special in itself. I can't really speak for her (what an un-Dom thing to say!), but I think she felt a little "exposed," not having the written word as the conduit of conversation, not being able to check what she said before hitting "enter," not having the relative slowness of typing to smooth out the inevitable pauses in conversation.

I could tell she was nervous, her voice pitched high with tension, and I swear I could hear her heart pounding over the phone. When it comes down to it, I don't know exactly which of the many intersecting vectors around the phone call are ones that made her nervous, but the great thing was that I felt the Dom in me really reaching out. As best I could, given the fact that I was "excited" too, I tried to be calm and focused and keep her enveloped in trust and friendship and fun. I guess that means I did most of the talking lol. Maybe this has less to do with being a Dom and more to do with just being older, I dunno.

In any case, the whole experience was great on so many levels. I was able to hear her say some things to me that theretofore she'd only typed, which was such a thrill. Her voice, by its very nature (and likely intensified by her excitment-level), got my body humming and my libido racing out of control. Nobody had a nervous breakdown or anything. And most delightful of all (WARNING: Icky mushy stuff ahead, 14-year-old boys stop reading now), we got to have a little profession of love in a new way, not typing "love" into a keyboard, not saying "love" to a voicemail answering machine, but speaking the word "love" into the ear of the one I love (alright, mediated by many layers of technology, but still...), and hearing it back from her throat and lips into my ears.

I'll talk some more about other aspects of being a two-month D/s couple next time. Till then, happy anniversary, my perfect and loveable k

Friends and Lovers

OK, so I've talked before about how my delectable k and I are friends, like the really good kind that you tell all sorts of stuff to and want to share dumb life details with. I really love that side of our relationship for lots of reasons, number one being that it always feels great to have a close friend, be they in real life or online or whatever. Sharing interests, joking and teasing, enjoying things together - all great stuff and really what life (and human relationships) are all about to a large degree.

Another reason I treasure our friendship is that it forms a sort of background "comfort zone." Both k and I have things going on in our real lives, and in particular she's years younger than me, so still has more of life to explore. So what I'm trying to say: one day it's entirely possible that the sex and D/s side of our relationship might have to stop or get side-tracked or put on pause or something. I'd hate for that to happen, and in fact just thinking about it right now is kind of devastating, to tell you the truth. BUT: I do feel quite certain that, even in such a heartbreaking situation, our friendship is solid and strong and vital enough to endure. I think k is the kind of friend that you keep for life, in other words.

Being friends has also been the gateway to my falling for her too. Yeah, the L-word came up a month or so ago and we've embraced the idea that we love each other. Does it mean something different online and given the fact that we'll most likely never meet in real life? Geez I dunno really. Probably, I guess. But it's hard to argue with the facts that (1) we share so much with each other, (2) I genuinely care about her welfare and emotions and life in general, (3) we're bonded together in that deep way lovers are, (4) life is more colorful and vibrant with her in it, and (5) I feel so damned passionate about her I can't think straight. So alright, maybe we need a different category for online romance, but till then let's just enjoy it. We need more love in the world anyway - why bother about semantics?

The other thing that's really been evolving in our relationship, and one of the most exciting things for me, is the seamless combination of friendship, romantic love, and D/s. When I first collared k, I sort of envisioned that we'd switch from friendly banter to D/s scenes and back again in the same semi-abrupt ways we always had. Over a couple years of knowing each other, a set of verbal signals sort of evolved that bridged the transition from one "state" to the other, so it didn't feel like the flicking of a light-switch or anything. But now, since the collar and the blossoming love and the sharing of more and more of our personal life and time (see previous posts), things have become more blended, and I'm really enjoying it. There's an easy and effortless flow from one "state" to another, and half the time I couldn't say which side of the boundary we're on...

Everything's really coming together into a whole, and now very moment I spend with my k is even more precious and more meaningful, because all three of those categories are present simultaneously, operating in parallel or intertwined or something. Pretty awesome stuff, and it feels to me like things are moving even more in that direction, towards some sort of whole that's no longer made up of individual pieces.

Ain't love grand?

Dream a Little Dream

Ok so it should come as no surprise that I dream about my wonderful k a whole lot. Been doing that pretty much since I met her, as a matter of fact, though in the past half-year or so the dreams have become much more frequent, and since the collar they are pretty darn constant. They're most often sexual, of course, and those dreams will get more intense that way the longer it's been since we last played together. My imagination really lives for her, I guess, and when I don't get that part of my brain activated for a while, it gets starved and starts making stuff up.

Now some dreams are really just fragments and some are nearly epic in length and scope, and some I really can't remember but I just have that little flash of emotion that lets me know that she was in my head as I slept. A number of the more narrative dreams I've used as bases for erotic stories, which can really be fun. I even get ideas for good scenes to act out with her from my dreams at times, or the opposite can happen: where my dream is a replay or variation on a scene we recently had.

And not quite every dream, not even quite every sex-charged dream, is D/s-centered. The vast majority of them, yep, but not all. And I kind of like that, actually. I'm not entirely sure why it makes me happy that some of the dreams are vanilla - maybe because k is such a great friend and I like thinking about her in vanilla ways too. In fact, sometimes after we've had a scene, I'll realize that it was actually pretty D/s-free. I guess lurking in the background is always that power-exchange thing, but it's amazing how subtly that can color things sometimes.

Another thing about my dreams is that I really don't know what my girl k looks like. I mean, I know how tall she is and the color of her eyes and hair and what she likes to wear and like that, but I've never seen a picture of her or anything. Now I'll wait for another posting to talk about why that doesn't bother me in the least (though of course I'm curious as hell). But in my dreams it's funny, because there are often so many visual details in them - lots of details, but the whole they add up to isn't detailed itself. That makes no sense, does it? Well the main thing I feel in my dreams, as in the time I spend with her online, is a "presence," which is a rhythm and a style and a fluidity and a grace and a way she bears herself. It's the way she licks her lips and the way she blinks her eyes, rather than a stark image of lips or eyes. It's the pace that her fingertips drum on the chair arm and the shape of the arc her thigh traces as it opens and the trembling pause between breaths. It's an agglomeration of the "tropes" of being k, adding up to a complete presence. That's the whole thing that's in my dreams, and my brain supplies some details here and there. It's that presence, a manifestation of her in my life when she's hundreds of miles away, that fires my mind.

Nowadays, of course, I'm getting lots of auditory stimuli in my dreams as well. I've still never heard the actual sound of k climaxing, but the other day I heard something just about as lovely, which I'll maybe talk about here another time.

Constant Craving

Well since my last post, the text messaging and the voice mail messaging has continued apace. Can't tell you how great it is - each time I hear my k's voice, it feels like a cascade of electric sparks running from my ear down my spine and shimmering out through the rest of my body. Yeah, those electrical impulses tend to gather and strengthen around the groin area a whole lot, it's true... what did you expect?

Every time I see that she's left me a message, it gives me the same heart-skipping thrill I've always gotten from seeing her emails, except now there's a more physical aspect to it - actual sound waves that started in her chest and on her lips, sent through the atmosphere to resonate at the same frequencies in my ear. Pretty excellent, that.

So lately I've been feeling so very connected to k. I might be busy off doing something, and she might be busy off doing something, but rarely more than half a day goes by without some kind of message being sent and received. This is a huge difference - it used to be that we'd go several days, even sometimes over a week, between email messages, for one reason or another. And it was very common that we wouldn't be in contact at all over weekends, say, or just send a couple messages at random intervals over holidays.

This all changed with the use of the phone. Sometimes, to tell you the truth, it makes me a little nervous. Like how would I feel if for some reason she couldn't send messages for a week? And how would she feel if I couldn't? I mean, I'm sure everything would be alright, and we'd live through it, but wow ... it's kind of a scary thought right now. I know that my relationship with her bears some outward similarities to addiction, and this is one of them - wanting more and more, deep hunger when we're out of contact, needing my 'fix' more often and in larger doses. But I don't think it's dangerous in any way. It's love, it's pleasure, it's friendship, it's a deep commitment that feels better and better each passing day. When the time comes that we don't communicate for a few days, my mind and heart will still be full of her. I'm sure it will be kind of agonizing in its way, but I don't see it being completely devastating as it would be in the parallel case of a crackhead, say. There's far too much joy and real personal connection for that.

So instead let's concentrate on the brighter side. I feel k's presence in my life very deeply these days, and pervasively. As I said, in the past week or so, it's rare that there's been more than half a day with no contact of one form or another. And I really seriously like this! I mean, I do feel that I carry her with me all the time anyway, but having a cute little text message or a long rambling voice message on my phone, it's like I have a little lifeline to her in my pocket all the time. Everyday life is becoming more suffused with her. I can feel her gentleness, wit, brilliance, beauty, strength, integrity, tenderness, and especially her submission, radiating from her typed words or her voice, giving me energy and elation and love.

I know that, as I type this, k's been considering working up the courage to leave me a more erotic message as a voicemail, and the very idea makes me ragingly rigid and tightens the corners of my eyes. She's trying new things with me, trying to please me, trying to overcome her own fears for me. Me, her friend, her lover, her Master.

The Magic of the Voice

OK so in the last post, I talked about text messaging. k and I have always had a text-based relationship for the most part. We're both really into the power of the written word and the stunning ways that the words on a page (or on the screen) can come to life and actually cause physical reactions in the body of the reader. Pretty amazing stuff, if you think about it.

So, I've used the webcam with her a few times, with varying results, and spoken on the mic several times. I've also sent her audio files quite a bit. This "multimedia" type stuff was all one way, from me to her, but I've never minded that in the least. She's shy about showing herself or letting me hear her, no problem, I totally understand that and I'd never force her into doing anything that made her uncomfortable in a way that would strain the friendship side of things. (I have no problems making her uncomfortable as part of a scene, mind you... that's a whole different thing)

So a couple of months back, she sent me a scratchy lo-fi audio file of her voice reading a couple things, and of course I just ate it up, listened to it over and over like the obsessive freak I sometimes am. She's really got a radiant golden tone in her voice, very musical and open, hint of a drawl, and when she's smiling as she speaks it's like sunlight bursting through the sound. Naturally, she got a lot of positive feedback from me.

Then came the collar, and the text messaging that I talked about last time. She gave me her phone number so we could text back and forth. I asked her if she minded me leaving her a voice mail on there once in a while, and she said sure, so I did that. Then one day, out of the blue, she left me a voice message on the yahoo messenger. Now, unlike the sound file she had sent me before, this was a personal message directed right at me, right from her, in her own words and her own voice, little gaps and pauses and verbal tics and all. I don't think I've ever heard anything sexier. Her voice just flowed like water rippling over smooth stones. I listened to it on my headphones and imagined her next to me, speaking right into my ear.

And now she's left me I think a total of 3 voicemails on my cell phone. I still love her emails and the text messages of course, and I still consider that to be our main conduit of communication. But wow her voice just makes me instantly tighten and harden and my lips widen into a smile and my chest glow warm. Part of it is that I know she's really doing it just because I've told her how much I like it, overcoming her natural shyness just for me.

And I feel more connected to the rhythms of her by listening to her speech. It's actually pretty surprising how close the cadence and meter of her speech are to the way she types in IM. Maybe that's the same for everyone, I don't know. Being able to hear her breathe, pause while thinking, the rise and fall of her voice, its thickness in the early morning and its clarity in the afternoon: I feel so very intimate with her on a new level.

So there are some things we haven't done with our voices yet. I've left her some somewhat steamy messages, but nothing truly obscene like what I'd type to her. She hasn't yet sent me anything racy. And we've never actually had a spoken conversation to each other - either on the phone or in IM through the computer. (Well, one time way back when before I'd ever heard her voice, I talked a little while she typed, but that's just awkward and doesn't work too well.) In any case, I'm not in any rush to do either of these things, though of course my mind races forward in time and tries to imagine what it will be like. I'm actually quite perfectly content as things are - it's pretty magical as it is, and I'm kinda riding a wave of excitement about it all the time. As we get used to this new vocal side of things, I'm pretty sure we'll get to all that, but it can be at some vague undefined point in the future.

k is one incredible woman, and each time I hear her voice I feel the strength and joy and brilliance in her. Can't ask for much more than that!

Textual Healing

I mentioned in the last post that I wasn't able to get online much for a while, due to my work schedule, and I tried to make up for it with a lot of quickie emails and setting tasks for k to perform in my absence. Well there was another thing we did too, which was new and exciting and opened up some possibilities I hadn't thought of before: we started exchanging cell-phone text messages.

So a few times a day, I'd feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and I'd know that my special gal sent me a little message, and on my next break I'd send her something too. I was able to feel so connected to the overall rhythm and pace of her day, another case of bridge-building (see my last post). One day she even overcame her natural shyness to send me a text message with dirty words in it, which instantly had the physical effect on me that I imagine she desired.

So no, it's not half as good as actually being in IM or chat, and there's no way to cyber like that (visions of sprained thumbs and frustrating waits), but keeps us in each other's thoughts quite nicely, thank you very much.

Bridge-Building

OK it's been a while since I posted here, because of various work-related real-life stuff, bleh. But things between me and k have continued to get better and better, despite the fact that we haven't been able to be online together much lately. One of the reasons is that we have discovered the joys of what I'll call "tasks," for lack of a better word.

So the idea is hardly original, but what happens is that I'll give k some specific activity to perform in my absence, which we'll talk about later. It might be something like telling her to masturbate before she goes to sleep, or to whisper my name to herself 7 times at noon, or to squeeze her own breasts in front of a mirror in a certain way, or whatever. The mind boggles
at the possibilities, really. But it all amounts to the same thing: I'm trying to reach through and past the internet connection and touch her real life in some way.

One great part of tasks is that it's a real D/s thrill. Issuing orders and having them carried out, especially if they are just a little bit out-of-the-ordinary (and more especially if they relate to ideas of sexual domination), is just so hot. But more than that, it's been a great way to feel like I'm in contact with my subbie during a busy time when IM chat is impossible. I know that she's doing something for me, feeling my presence with her even when I'm not "there." Frankly, her submission and willingness to perform these tasks is pretty damned inspiring, driving me to come up with more creative ideas each time.

And the best thing of course is that, as I said, I feel like we have a life "together" beyond the times when we're both online at the same time. (I keep putting these things in quotes, trying to convince myself that it's not real life, when it feels so much like it most of the time) k obeys me and feels me with her through her real life, and I feel closer to her because of it. It's something I wouldn't have thought to do until the collar, something that's added a new depth and meaning to our relationship.

So glad and proud that we've started to build a bridge between the online and offline parts of our lives.

Chain of Fools

So k and I had this really sensual and amazing scene on friday, and I've been just floating on air ever since, mind dizzy with possibilities.

What we did was, I twined a thin steel chain with tiny links around her waist and dipping into her most sensitive areas (am I allowed to use my usual filthy language in this blog I wonder?). Anyhow, imagine this picture, but without the layer of black clothing...



Anyhow, it was something that I've dreamed about and written about a little, and doing it was just so hot and so fraught with meaning and feeling and all that, I just don't even have the words for it.

But I know what you're thinking: all I did was type words on a screen and read the words she typed back. It's not like we were really doing anything. And of course you'd be right. But it's not that simple. There are twists to it...

The first twist is that, when it's actually happening, it feels incredibly real. Sure my fingers are flying over the keys and I'm sitting in a chair at a desk, but as far as my mind is concerned, I'm there with her and it's like her scent and her taste and the texture of her skin are so immediate, so proximate.

The second twist is that, afterwards, when remembering the scene, I don't remember sitting at a desk typing, I remember what was constructed in my head, the scene we played out together. So, for all intents and purposes, I have a real memory. That only leaves this little space in between the time when we're typing the scene and the time when I first recall it - that's the only space in which its 'realness' is fluid. And usually I'm so flooded with emotions (and ummm... sometimes busy cleaning up) that I don't really notice.

So when it comes to a scene like the one we had, you realize what a romantic medium cybersex is. I try to imagine doing this thing with the chains in real life, sort of taking a step back from the scene, and I bet it could be very hot with some forethought and good planning, and doubtless the emotional side of it would have been just as strong. But could it have attained that perfect pristineness? Nah, probably there would have been a lot of "hey lift your butt again for me, I don't quite have this threaded correctly" and "ouch that's pinching," etc, etc. That's what happens in real life, and the other is what happens in romanticized fiction.

Now here's the big overarching poing though: the real world and the fictive world are parallel entities. I mean, that's why we read novels and listen to stories and go to movies and everything. And why we write novels and tell stories and make movies. We're trying to say something about our existence, the way the world works, the way we are connected to each other. Even in a throwaway science fiction book or a by-the-numbers slasher movie, the connection is implicit - to follow the narrative is to be inside a life and find its parallels with your own. In cyber, the participants have choices about the level of interpenetration between online and r/l. My k and I have chosen to be honest with each other about r/l stuff, and we're able to slide very easily from the quotidian to the erotic... but even if we didn't, the connection we make and the feelings we arouse in our scenes would still be real. More real (at least to me) than those prompted by books or film.

So I really feel like I've placed those chains on k, and all the symbolism and emotion that goes with that threatens to burst my heart at times. It surges beyond the confines of the computer and informs my real life. I'm a different - better - person because of her. The bond between us is strong. I miss looking into her eyes when she's not here, even though I've only ever seen those eyes in dreams.

I say Dom-ato, you say Dom-ahto

So as I mentioned in the previous post, I tried a whole lot of different D/s things when I first encountered the chat rooms. Some I liked, some I definitely didn't, some just didn't do much for me one way or the other. The main thing I discovered is that the real excitement for me is all in the sub's surrender: that sweet liquid submission, the shining energy in acquiescence, the feeling that her will is melting into mine - subsumed into me in some semi-magical way. That's what really gets my motor running.

And luckily, with the right partner (and I've certainly found the right partner), that's the one aspect of D/s that I think translates really well into cyberspace. As long as you can express yourself well with words, pay some attention to the rhythm of the other person, and have a good imagination, you can get a lot out of it. Well, I definitely have. And the chatrooms have enough people in them that some others must be getting something out of it too, right?

Anyhow, I admit I'm a trifle squeamish when it comes to the more S/M, pain-related elements of D/s play. I love to administer a good spanking, pinch a nipple, maybe nibble a little too hard on various sensitive areas ... but that's about as far as I'll go. People that like the harder stuff, more power to em, of course, but it's not my bag. Ditto for the extreme humiliation scenarios.

Now I did try these things out in cyber. The nice thing about typing words on a screen is that you can attempt things that would be much more difficult to negotiate in real life, and of course with less possibility for an unrecoverable fiasco. Anyhow, I learned pretty quickly what I do like, and I've stuck with it ever since.

The other part of the online D/s world that I tend to stay away from is the extreme (some might even say anal-retentive) formality. This one is a harder issue to unpack, but I think it really just boils down to a personal preference. Now the first time I was called "Sir" in a chatroom, and figured out the capital-letter stuff, etc, I thought it was sort of cute and fun. It has its childish side, and I think that one of the ways I was able to justify separating my r/l and online life in those early days was the sense that online D/s was just a game. It has a bunch of arbitrary rules about how everyone's supposed to act, things you're supposed to say, ways of showing respect, etc. And of course most of the rooms had borderline-control-freak rules about what would get you kicked out. Yes, I'm well aware that D/s is all about power, but come on people, lighten up!

Again, nothing against people who are into all that. It has its time and place, and I still get a kick out of some of the formal stuff (though I admit that the Gor people mostly make me stifle giggles). I know a lot of people need that formality and predictability in their lives, and a D/s room's a great place to get it. Just not a big deal to me. If my name doesn't get capitalized, I'm not losing any sleep over it. In fact, I'm probably not even noticing it.

So at some point, I decided that I'm what's sometimes referred to as a "Sensual Dom." I kind of like that description, even though I get the sense that it's used in a semi-pejorative way by other Doms sometimes. I'm sticking to my style cuz I like it, and of course because what could be wrong with a style that helped me ensnare my tasty little k?

some boring history

I never thought I'd go to a chatroom. I'd heard of them, of course, but couldn't imagine having a conversation like that. But one thing led to another - I started looking at bulletin-board sites on D/s (maybe I'll get into why at some point in the future) starting me thinking in that direction, and finally one day I took the plunge and tried MSN chat.

So I guess my transition was typical. Tried just chatting, which was fun, then stumbled into a scening room or two (actually the first open cybering rooms I went to were vanilla ones). I saw how arousing a high-quality scene could be, and I thought I could be good at it. So one day I took the plunge: sexed up my profile and went a-trolling.

At one time or another, I'm sure I tried all the kinds of rooms there were on MSN. I really got into the D/s rooms the most, though. Something really struck a chord in me there - and it wasn't only that the average scener in a D/s room was better at it than in a vanilla room. The dominant side of me started to wake up and rub the sleep out of its eyes, I guess.

I explored a lot of things, discovered my likes and dislikes within D/s, made a whole lot of friends. I was excited by the possibilities of online life, and how much fun it was to mess around in the rooms, whether cybering or not. I found places where I was welcome and people knew me, and (most flattering of all), I had a reputation for being someone good to scene with.

So that became pretty much what I did. Back when MSN had open chat, there were always new people, and regulars would always come back, and I was having a blast. Never entered my mind to collar one woman and spend all my time with just her (though I thought some of the collared relationships were really great). I got a charge out of doing online the kinds of stuff that I would never do in real life.

Anyhow, I already said that I was making friends, right? Well I ended up getting very close to a handful of them, and I'd actually make time between sweaty bouts of cybersex to chat about day-to-day stuff. What's more, I actually found myself enjoying that part of the conversation just as much. I know, crazy, eh?

And this one gal in particular caught my eye. Not only was she the best I'd ever played with (just amazing with words, so sensual and focused on detail, really able to communicate the psychological space she was in), but she was brilliant and charming and dorky-in-the-cutest-way. We started talking about all kinds of stuff, and I started to feel the kinds of emotions that made me question my decision to 'play the field' in the chatrooms.

But as luck would have it, another Dom swept her off her feet and collared her while I was still trying to sort things out. OK, I told myself, here's a big test: just how important was the friendship side of things?

So somehow we kept on talking and being pals, even while she was with this other Dom. I kept on playing too, of course, and shrugged off any notions that I wanted to be in a permanent kind of D/s relationship. I tried a few times to watch her scene in the rooms, just because I missed her unique way with words, but I couldn't watch long. I didn't want to admit my jealousy, so just kept on being friends with her and kept on playing with other subbies in the rooms.

Then things dissolved between her and that Dom, and I was introduced to a new experience: being really close friends with someone who I could also cyber with. Wow, that's a great thing. I mean a really great thing. But beyond that, there was the fact that it was her. k, I'm talking about, in case I haven't made that clear. Don't get me wrong, I was still having fun playing with other women online too, but our times together were special and grew more and more so as we got closer.

At the same time, I remember promising myself that I was online just to have fun and play around, not to have a serious relationship. In retrospect I was pretty much fooling myself. I had genuinely great cybersex with others, but I knew in my heart that k was on another level.

So after a while I asked her. She wasn't ready yet ... ok ... I could deal with that. I started playing with others a whole lot less frequently, and I actually started to feel guilty about it afterwards, incredible though it seemed.

Then there was a sort of ... hm, well an "intermission" ... maybe I'll talk about that on here someday, but not today. Basically I let k down as a friend, and I think I timed it about as badly as I could possibly have done. We worked through it (most of the work on her side) and emerged stronger friends than ever, I think. Took a few months, but it was would have been worth ten times that. It was during this intermission time that I realized how deep my feelings were for her.

Slowly but surely, we worked our way into what we've got going now. When the collar subject came up again a couple weeks ago, I tried to woo her again. I quite literally held my breath as the little thingy at the bottom of the IM box said "k is typing a message." And I got my "yes," and the world seemed to shift to a brighter pallette of colors, and every cell in my body did a little dance, and I've been just delirious and drunk on her ever since. [insert gigantic insanely-grinning smiley here]

some first thoughts

Well, I mean this blog to be a journal of my story as an online Dom. I know there are plenty of people out there who don't believe such an animal exists, or that we're all fakers, or that we can't possibly be dominant unless we are real-time lifestylers or whatever. I don't know about that, really. Perhaps this journal will help me sort those issues out.

I know that I certainly feel like a Dom online, and that's become especially true in the last
few days, since my beloved and constantly-amazing k has made me immensely happy by accepting my collar (that would be Sept 7, 2005, for anyone keeping track). Those feelings carry over into "real life." Actually it seems to me that real emotions, like those I have for k, are part of real life, period. They don't disappear when I switch off the computer, nor are they compartmentalized in a separate area of my brain.

But it is true that I operate in a different mode when I don't have that bluish phosphorescent glow on my face. I don't think of my online life as being a game, but no matter how real it gets, "regular real life" has more tangibility - that's not quite the right word, but it's a start. I know that k and I are never going to settle down and pick out china and struggle to pay the mortgage, and in fact chances are that I'll never see her face-to-face. There are certain topics that we might tiptoe around when we chat, and there are lots of subjects that never come up, because we're not truly sharing a life together in the usual sense. But on the other hand, all sorts of stuff does come up. Stuff that I've only told her about. Things that only my very closest r/l friends know. And, incredibly, random stuff that only pops into my head because of her.

I guess one way to demarcate things is to say that I consider k to be a great friend, first and foremost. By far the closest friend among those I've only met online, and much closer than most in my real life that I consider friends. So in this way, under the "friendship" heading, I think of her as being part of my real life.

When it comes to online play, the "scenes" we do ... that's where there's a slight distance, a level of abstraction. I mean, how can there not be, when we're typing words on a page and not really feeling and smelling and tasting each other? (actually, one of the most incredible things is how very real the scenes are to me when they are happening. I totally lose myself in the action - this is something that is a rarity for me online, but it happens with k every damned time. Magic. Anyhow, it's only afterwards, cleaning up various bodily fluids from nearby surfaces, when that slight distance kicks in, in memory.) So: real life friend, cyber-only lover.

But do you see how crazy that is? I don't need to tell anyone that emotions and sex are all bound up together in crazy deep complex ways. The thing is: I don't consider this seeming contradiction to be a problem. I really don't. It's different, that's for sure. Different from any other relationship I've been in. But it's thrilling and exciting and wonderful every day. I have complete faith that, should some kind of complication arise from the weirdness, our bond is strong enough to take it. We are smart enough and in-touch enough with our own feelings to work it out.

And anyway, five days and no problems so far! In fact, nothing but bliss and warmth and laughter and desire and stunning awesomeness.

Thanks my beautiful and wonderful and surprising k.

Dominant Seventh