keep it real

I'm in one of my moods today. I start daydreaming about what life would be like real-time with my k, and once I get started I can't stop. It's an idle pursuit, and one I probably shouldn't let myself take, but my mind gets going and races off.

I can't imagine a future where k and I have a r/l relationship. Hang on, let me put that better: I can imagine it, and do so with increasing frequency and in great vivid detail. But I can't imagine that a situation would arise when it would be prudent or even possible. I've known all along, and you can even search back into early blog posts here to see, that k and I have an incredible, wondrous, beautiful, constantly-amazing relationship online (and now on the phone sometimes), and she is an integral part of my daily life, but: we are not going to be arguing over what color couch to buy or who left the cap off the toothpaste any time soon.

In a way, that's a shame. I know that this is supposed to be what's so nice about online relationships - all the good fun stuff and none of the daily grind - but I guess part of me craves the daily grind too. And yeah, you can read two meanings into "daily grind" if you like, ya buncha perverts ... Anyway, one of the things I love about my k is that she's a great person all-around: funny, exuberant, brilliant, witty, sensual, devoted, caring. (The list of adjectives goes on and on, but those are a few of the highlights.) I'd truly love to spend time with her in the real world, even just to hang out and be silly dorks together.

Something that I've enjoyed a lot since we've become a couple is how fluid and easy it is to transition from talking about our days or helping each other with work or playing a game online, into this sort of "flirting zone," and then sometimes back into quotidian stuff or sometimes into a scene. Those smooth transitions are just so sweet and delicate and natural, like a leaf being pulled by gravity and fluttering down to rest. And I think that I'm wanting that experience in real life, which honestly I haven't had in a decade or so now. To be doing something boring and everyday, but to have the atmosphere charged with energy. To know that with the right turn of phrase or a well-placed hand, I could alter the meaning of everything. And to know that she has the same ability. It's that potential for intimacy that I've been longing for with k.

So yes, I know to a large extent this is a function of our inability to spend online time together lately (and for a few more weeks). Once we're able to be close again all the time, these daydream fantasies will recede a little (though they'll never go away - I've been having them to one degree or another almost since I met her). Truly, I'm just so thankful to have her in my life at all - I really need to focus on the positives here.

Meanwhile, we had another phone conversation today. Our third, if you don't count the couple of times I was actively trying to make her cum for me over the phone lol. And, while I can still hear the addictive bright pitch of tension in her voice, it's getting more relaxed. It was the first time in a long time that she and I were able to actually have a conversation. Only for a few minutes, really, but it was such a rush and such a relief at the same time. Took the sharpest edge off my thirst for her, I guess. Man do I still need her though. So much that it's difficult to breathe from time to time.

I'm not sure if I'll post again here before the holidays start, so merry christmas, happy hanukkah, happy kwanzaa, happy new year, joyous solstice, etc., etc., to anyone and everyone reading! enjoy the season.