Anticipation

Well it's been one whole week since I've been able to spend any real time with my beloved k. Lots of emails and text messages and phone messages in between of course, and I love them, but it's just not the same as really spending time with her.

Now it seems funny, actually, to talk about it that way - after all, I'm not really actually with her in the usual sense. But being online together in IM (or even in a chatroom, but especially in IM) is the functional equivalent, I guess. It's how I met her and got to know her and fell for her and made her mine, after all. I guess it's possible that one day, if the two of us get past our nervousness and awkwardness in our phone conversations, that those might feel just as close. But even if that happened, I think that IM would still be our communication-medium of choice.

And there are some things that make IM and email better than phone and voicemail, too. Obviously, you get to choose your words more carefully and your brain doesn't have to race ahead and you don't usually stumble over each other's words and those sorts of things. But also there's a benign-ness to text. It's less immediate, more mediated, and it's easier to take a step back from it - something harder to do with a voice, which is always emotionally charged and intimate in a certain way. These qualities were brought into relief for me over the weekend.

So what happened was that k had some r/l trouble and was up late sorting it out and having a pretty emotionally distraught time of it, I think. And me, not knowing this is going on because I haven't checked my email or anything, call and leave her a couple hot-n-heavy voice messages. Now I don't know for sure because we haven't talked about it yet, but it doesn't take a lot of imagination to guess that maybe such voicemails are not exactly what someone's in the mood for when they're having r/l difficulties. So when I found out about it later, I felt like kind of a jerk.

Now if I had sent emails instead, I think it would have been better. First of all, because emails sit there in a list and you know who they're from and usually have a subject line telling you what they're about, so you can use all that to decide what you're in the mood to read, or at least mentally prepare yourself or something. Can't do that with the voice messages. Plus, though my purple prose is ever so passionate and poetic, it still doesn't have the same immediacy that the sound of someone's voice does. This is what's great about phone messages, of course, but it's a weakness too. Seems to me that with the text you can separate yourself from it a bit more, like when reading a novel. Yes, the words are connected to a real person, but the real-ness is of a different quality. I don't think I'm making too much sense here, but maybe I'll return to this topic later.

Now the flip side of the phone messages being inimate and immediate is that I got so incredibly turned-on by a certain message k left me that I've been hard for a week straight now, no joke. It's like a medical condition. So today, when we finally get to chat again, I'm hoping to release a bit of the pent-up energy that's been building. Licking my lips just thinking about it.