The other day we actually had quite a few hours back-to-back to spend together, and they were pretty much full of one rip-roaring smoking-hot scene. The kind where, even now a few days later, thinking back on it makes you go "gah" and get all glassy-eyed and breathe funny. It was long and intense and multi-staged and just real good.
There was one part that bugged me a little afterwards, though, and it's a result of this blending of friendship and love and D/s that I keep nattering on and on about, and more generally a result of how r/l and o/l life have overlapped to a larger degree than ever before for me. During our scene, I was struck by a need to punish her. I wanted to assert my dominance and wanted her to experience the searing pleasure/pain in a hard spanking and harsh words. And more than that, I wanted it to be deserved - for her to know that her behavior got her into trouble and that I was correcting that.
The problem: k has been just wonderful and deliciously submissive and altogether acquiescent to my wishes. Ergo, nothing to punish her for.
Yeah you see my problem?
So I ended up sort of grasping at straws and picking out some minor "infraction" that I really didn't care about, and working it up into a big deal to keep the scene going the way I wanted it to. Now a year ago that would have sufficed and been exactly what I wanted. (Actually a year ago, k wasn't mine, and the idea of punishing someone who is mine to punish - and correct and nurture and mold and encourage and all that - that's what's hot about it. So I guess a year ago it wouldn't have happened.) Anyhow, now that I've experienced the thrill of intertwined D/s and love, I'm not completely content with scenes that aren't working both sides of that equation to some degree.
And that's not to say that I want my k to misbehave on purpose just to get punished or something. That would also take things outside the frame of our real relationship. Probably I need to figure out what it was that prompted me to want to punish her in the first place that day, outside of the fact that I knew we'd both really enjoy it. To paraphrase method actors everywhere: "what's my motivation, man?"
So what happened was, after the scene was over and I'd turned this all around in my mind a bit, I told k that I really didn't think the supposed subject of her punishment was a big deal (which of course she knew), and that the punishment I had meted out was purely instructive - so that she would know what's in store for her if she ever stepped outside the boundaries that we've been constructing bit by bit.
Yep. Lame, I know. But best I could do.
And I don't want to make it sound like it ruined the whole scene for me or anything. On the contrary, it was just awesome all the way through, and one of my cherished memories with her already. If it hadn't been for that one little nagging detail it might have been the most intense ever. And the nagging detail really didn't present itself as a problem till afterwards anyway. During the scene, I felt pretty justified. Unlike some Doms, I really don't get off on the power trip of arbitrary punishment. If it's deserved, great. If we mutually decide that a spanking would be fun for all involved, also great. Me saying "I own you and therefore will inflict pain on you whenever I feel like it," not so great. Because it's not the pain that gets my toes curling, it's the mindfuck of it all. It's her willing submission and the idea that I'm guiding her sensory experiences with her complete trust. Underneath it all, it's the sense that her pleasure is the ultimate outcome, and that I'm responsible for it, that floats my boat. Nothing against Dom/mes who hurt just for the sake of hurting of course, just not my thing.
So have I over-analyzed that enough yet?
OK well after that we had some time over the next day and a half to send some fun emails and text message and all, then yesterday we ended up having a very curtailed amount of time together. I mean like less than an hour, all due to my crazy schedule as usual.
So I wasn't really planning to start anything, since k was on a deadline and didn't need an unfinished scene keeping her sexually frustrated on top of that. But one thing led to another, and we ended up having our second round of phone sex. And it was as scrumptious as the first. *giant smile*
In some way I think the time pressure added to the intensity, so that was fun. Another fun thing was that, unlike last time, we talked just a tiny bit as we were easing into the scene, so I got to hear her go from her normal everyday speaking voice (though yes, it had that lovely pitch of tension in it that communicated her nervousness and horniness) to her gasping and moaning. So yes, that was quite excellent, as you can imagine. The voice that leaves me voicemails about her car-repair woes morphed into the voice that leaves me voice-mails that are essentially a record of an orgasm. It's always great to be reminded that those voices are really the same and belong to one person. (I'm reminded of this daily in text form, of course, but as I've mentioned before, there's something more physical about the voice.)
And also I was feely cocky and went ahead and tried some baby steps towards making it a little more interactive. I still did the vast majority of the talking, but a couple of times I asked her simple one-word-answer questions, and she managed to squeak out answers. Mmm that was quite a rush too.
Goes without saying that hearing her cum for me, just for me, because I took her there and because I reached into her with my voice and opened the tangled bundle of tension and let it explode, hearing her cum and then tell me she loves me ... yeah that's just never going to get old. Wow.
And I repeat: Wow.
So yeah it's been a real nice half-week here, all things considered. We're going to have a long dry spell coming up, with very limited chances to communicate till mid-January, so it was sure nice to have that time. But I'm hoping at the end of that, we'll have lots more regular "meetings" and time to indulge our lusts and love.
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