two months in...

Today marks two months since sweet k agreed to be mine. I was reading back over these blog entries the other day and realizing how much things have changed between us in such a short span of time. It's really been kind of dizzying and mind-reeling, in a euphoric way. On one hand, it's all been rather rapid and unprecedented (at least for me) as far as online relationships go, but on the other hand, it's all felt so very natural and organic and like our relationship is building at a pace that's "right." Sometimes I'm not 100% sure that k feels the same way I do about the pacing of things and the direction(s) we have gone, but then out of the blue she'll surprise me with yet another leap of trust, and suddenly it seems like we're so in sync that my heart can't fit in my chest anymore.

Last week, we spoke to each other on the phone for the first time. You can look at some of my earlier entries about how we've been leaving messages for each other, both the friendly and the sexy kind, but this was a real-live actual conversation. I was probably a lot more nervous than I should have been, but I'm going to call it "excitment" instead of nervousness. And in any case, once we got started talking, it
was pretty easy. We had agreed beforehand that our first convo was going to be brief, stilted, full of awkward pauses, and altogether strange. I guess it met those criteria to varying degrees, but mostly it was just ... well ... really wonderfully nice.

I discovered, or at least crystallized in my mind, something about my k that evening. She and I aren't all that different in the ways we present ourselves on the internet, and how we interact with people there. Now for me, the internet started out as artifice and play-acting, developed into a sort of "online persona," which was a sort of distorted version of me, and then finally became just pretty much "me." Now this current incarnation is still a little variation on me of course, because nobody can truly be exactly the same person on the internet, because of the nature of the medium. But I've tried as hard as I'm able and I've gotten as close as I think humanly possible.

This is not to say that I'm completely "me" all the time and with every person. When I'm with k, there's no question, of course. Even when we are scening, it's an extension of my desire and my actual physical self and my real emotions. Yeah, I'm sometimes prone to theatricalities and ignoring the laws of physics in scenes, but only because the medium requires it. Anyhow, the point is, that when I'm online chatting with some other friend, there's a little more artifice. If I'm in a chatroom with people I don't know, there's definitely more of a retreat into the online persona. (I should say by the way that I love the online personas people create, and that in general I think they speak to the imagination and smarts of the person "behind." In fact, this is one thing that made my girl so attractive and led to my wanting to get to know that real person.)

What I was trying to say, before I got side-tracked, was that k and I have both experimented with different "modes" of online life, and still experiment with them (witness this blog, which is a totally new experience for me). But it seems to me that we've both found this particular track, our relationship, a special and treasured thing, which deserves its own special modes and rhythms and space to grow.

This is one of the reasons that talking to her on the phone last week was such an incredible moment for me. I know it was a big jump for her, as it was for me too really, and that was special in itself. I can't really speak for her (what an un-Dom thing to say!), but I think she felt a little "exposed," not having the written word as the conduit of conversation, not being able to check what she said before hitting "enter," not having the relative slowness of typing to smooth out the inevitable pauses in conversation.

I could tell she was nervous, her voice pitched high with tension, and I swear I could hear her heart pounding over the phone. When it comes down to it, I don't know exactly which of the many intersecting vectors around the phone call are ones that made her nervous, but the great thing was that I felt the Dom in me really reaching out. As best I could, given the fact that I was "excited" too, I tried to be calm and focused and keep her enveloped in trust and friendship and fun. I guess that means I did most of the talking lol. Maybe this has less to do with being a Dom and more to do with just being older, I dunno.

In any case, the whole experience was great on so many levels. I was able to hear her say some things to me that theretofore she'd only typed, which was such a thrill. Her voice, by its very nature (and likely intensified by her excitment-level), got my body humming and my libido racing out of control. Nobody had a nervous breakdown or anything. And most delightful of all (WARNING: Icky mushy stuff ahead, 14-year-old boys stop reading now), we got to have a little profession of love in a new way, not typing "love" into a keyboard, not saying "love" to a voicemail answering machine, but speaking the word "love" into the ear of the one I love (alright, mediated by many layers of technology, but still...), and hearing it back from her throat and lips into my ears.

I'll talk some more about other aspects of being a two-month D/s couple next time. Till then, happy anniversary, my perfect and loveable k