Authorship

I've had one memorable and amazing few days with my k. *grins hugely* I already blogged last time about the phone conversation, which is still reverberating in me and making me feel excited all the time. Then just recently I discovered something completely by accident on the while trolling around the internet: k has a website full of really great erotic stories that I hadn't known anything about.

Now I had mixed reactions to this at first. My immediate thought was "wow! more stories!" followed quickly by "why hadn't I heard about this before?" Then a bunch of other more swirly kinds of feelings that I'll get into below.

Now k is just a hell of a writer, truly, and I've loved reading her stories over the couple years that I've known her, the sexy ones and the non-erotic ones. Even the unsexy ones have such an incredible way with sensual detail that sometimes you forget that it's not meant to be taken as erotic. So I've always been a huge fan, and it's thrilled me when she's written stories just for me, stories about us, maybe based on our scenes, one time written as one of my "assignments" for her.

So yeah I was a little taken aback for a while that she had this secret little stash of stories, especially when I started to read them and found them so arousing and great and some of them wonderfully unlike anything she'd written before. Really I was more excited to read them and learn about this "hidden" side of her than I was disappointed about not knowing sooner.

But as I read, I started to ruminate too. And this guilty stalker-ish feeling rose up in me. Now this is probably a good place to talk about the time several months ago when I really did act like a psycho stalker, much to my own shame. This was before the collar, but k and I had been spending pretty much all our online time together. There were a couple of days when she wasn't able to get online but I was, and I missed her, and so I started doing google searches on her email address and stuff, and found a fansite she belonged to and even a personal-diary-type blog. Now a more noble person would have never started looking in the first place, or at least stopped there. But no, I actually read through the last few blog entries before I got disgusted with myself. Not my proudest moment. Told her about it right afterwards, and I haven't looked since, but I still get a bit nasty-feeling when I remember it.

Anyway, there was more than a bit of that feeling in me when I read these stories, but a few things kept me going: (1) I really did stumble on them by accident. (2) This wasn't her personal life, but just a collection of her fiction writings. And the most surprising one of all: (3) I'm her Dom now. So, the first two justifications were ones that I think I'd have gone along with at any time in our friendship. But number 3 ... it was a little shocking when I took a step back and found myself thinking in those terms. Intellectually, of course, I know that she's my friend and she's entitled to have a r/l outside of our time together, and to share her talents with whomever, to be part of an online community of authors, and really to represent herself any way she wants to people, etc., etc. But something in me, something really new since the collar, was awake now. It was like I was watching over her, and I felt perfectly justified, in fact even compelled, to learn as much as I could about her, and to make everything that she does my own.

It was surprising and interesting and maybe slightly scary but mostly pretty darn fascinating to find this out about myself.

So I thought for a while that I'd keep my knowledge a secret from her and just watch from a distance, but who was I kidding? First of all, it still slightly irked me that she hadn't told me about it. Second of all, I can't deal with lying to her about stuff. And third of all, I had the plots of so many bad Love Boat and Three's Company episodes running through my head - you know, the ever-so-ironic-and-O'Henryesque plot device of two people keeping the same secret from each other. In the end, I kept the secret for all of like an hour.

(I didn't mean this posting to be a long narrative, by the way, but now that I've started, I'm sticking with it.) k didn't seem upset that I'd found her stuff, though maybe she was a little peeved at me and I couldn't tell, or maybe there was some other reaction going on, I really don't know for sure. But let's say that it was all copacetic with her - my guilty feelings were assuaged, my Dom feelings were justified. I still think that maybe she wasn't entirely happy I found her site, and I was still slightly uneasy that she'd kept it from me, but a whole lot less so.

So fast forward a couple days now. We had a truly great fun afternoon together and I was feeling really good about things. And this is where the story gets really good...

Overnight as I was sleeping, my stunning and perfect k wrote me a story and emailed it for me to find the next morning. Now getting a story from her is always a special occasion, and the few that she's written just for me are real treasures to me. But this one ... I don't even have the words to describe how this one touched me and made my heart want to burst in my chest. She wrote a story that was basically a scene from our real relationship - her description of how she carried out an assignment I'd given her, and how she felt about it at the time.

Unprecedented. And unimaginably great. All the stuff I've been writing about? here, how friendship and love and D/s feelings are all getting to be one big thing? with this story she basically confirmed that for me, told me she was feeling the same way, and bumped it all into overdrive. And that was only the beginning. (yes, I'm perfectly aware that I'm probably going out on a limb and reading waaaay too much into what was just a little story, but I can't help it...) I took the story as a sort of forgiveness for my snoopy and stalkerish actions, which felt great too. And yes, even farther out on that limb: I also took the story as a confirmation of my place in her life and in her heart. It was like she was saying, by the mere fact of writing something based on the limited r/l part of our relationship: "This is what's important and special. There's all that other stuff I do, but it's a different world from you and me." So yeah, that sure dispelled any lingering doubts that the secret stories had evoked in me, even if I'm reading things between the lines that aren't really there.

My k can write, and she can communicate things in her writing that are hard to say other ways. As I read and re-read the story and revisit the memory of it in my mind over the past couple days, the world just feels like it's bursting with bright color and bells and sweet smells. I've been just high on her ever since, my whole body thrumming and vibrating. And I've never felt more like a Dom, like her Dom, like she belongs to me in a sense that I hadn't heretofore allowed myself to think possible.

Not entirely sure how I got so lucky, but she's one in a million, my k. And all mine.