some first thoughts

Well, I mean this blog to be a journal of my story as an online Dom. I know there are plenty of people out there who don't believe such an animal exists, or that we're all fakers, or that we can't possibly be dominant unless we are real-time lifestylers or whatever. I don't know about that, really. Perhaps this journal will help me sort those issues out.

I know that I certainly feel like a Dom online, and that's become especially true in the last
few days, since my beloved and constantly-amazing k has made me immensely happy by accepting my collar (that would be Sept 7, 2005, for anyone keeping track). Those feelings carry over into "real life." Actually it seems to me that real emotions, like those I have for k, are part of real life, period. They don't disappear when I switch off the computer, nor are they compartmentalized in a separate area of my brain.

But it is true that I operate in a different mode when I don't have that bluish phosphorescent glow on my face. I don't think of my online life as being a game, but no matter how real it gets, "regular real life" has more tangibility - that's not quite the right word, but it's a start. I know that k and I are never going to settle down and pick out china and struggle to pay the mortgage, and in fact chances are that I'll never see her face-to-face. There are certain topics that we might tiptoe around when we chat, and there are lots of subjects that never come up, because we're not truly sharing a life together in the usual sense. But on the other hand, all sorts of stuff does come up. Stuff that I've only told her about. Things that only my very closest r/l friends know. And, incredibly, random stuff that only pops into my head because of her.

I guess one way to demarcate things is to say that I consider k to be a great friend, first and foremost. By far the closest friend among those I've only met online, and much closer than most in my real life that I consider friends. So in this way, under the "friendship" heading, I think of her as being part of my real life.

When it comes to online play, the "scenes" we do ... that's where there's a slight distance, a level of abstraction. I mean, how can there not be, when we're typing words on a page and not really feeling and smelling and tasting each other? (actually, one of the most incredible things is how very real the scenes are to me when they are happening. I totally lose myself in the action - this is something that is a rarity for me online, but it happens with k every damned time. Magic. Anyhow, it's only afterwards, cleaning up various bodily fluids from nearby surfaces, when that slight distance kicks in, in memory.) So: real life friend, cyber-only lover.

But do you see how crazy that is? I don't need to tell anyone that emotions and sex are all bound up together in crazy deep complex ways. The thing is: I don't consider this seeming contradiction to be a problem. I really don't. It's different, that's for sure. Different from any other relationship I've been in. But it's thrilling and exciting and wonderful every day. I have complete faith that, should some kind of complication arise from the weirdness, our bond is strong enough to take it. We are smart enough and in-touch enough with our own feelings to work it out.

And anyway, five days and no problems so far! In fact, nothing but bliss and warmth and laughter and desire and stunning awesomeness.

Thanks my beautiful and wonderful and surprising k.