Merry Meanderings

Well I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season here at the end of the calendar year. It's been a particularly special December for luminous k and I. We had our first meeting just a couple of weeks ago, of course, and there's a little surprise at the end of this post related to that as well...

It's been a weird hybrid feeling these past weeks since my trip to see my glorious k in person. Simultaneously, I have been: (1) just glowing with love and Domliness, out of my head with lust, empowered and enthusiastic, bursting with pure joy, and (2) so despondent and let down that our time was limited and we are back to a long-distance relationship. It's a weird feeling to have those two forces comingling in my heart at all times. But I'm getting used to it in small ways.

The last couple of days have been particularly hard, because we haven't had the amount of time to spend together that either of us wants, with all the Christmas things going on. Overqualified k is working at a retail store, which has meant long crazy hours just before Christmas, and I've got all kinds of family things going on (though luckily less in the way of work). We've kept in touch with lots of text-messaging when possible, and of course always talking on the phone for a good long time just before bed.

On the brighter side, I should mention that we've been having some of the hottest, most intense phone sex these last couple weeks. Like mind-blowingly, toe-curlingly, bone-warmingly hot. In fact, I'm shuddering a little right now just thinking about it. Among other things, I've been able to get that sexy woman to open up and talk more, using dirty words and everything heh. So very fun, and so indescribably sexy.

I've noticed small changes in my level of confidence as far as our relationship goes, too. Not anything I'd have noticed at the time, but in retrospect there must have been slivers of disbelief mixed into the trusting bond we built back when we were online-only. Those doubts have been blown away now - there's a fullness, a wholeness, to our connection. It's pure and unalloyed now, and that's a beautiful thing in itself. It's also given me a new foundation upon which I am building a new kind of dominance. I don't think its shape will be too different from how it's been in the past, but it feels more rooted and real now.

My sweet k opened Christmas presents from me today. Nothing as huge as the collar I sent her last year (and remind me to post about that collar sometime soon, by the way), but just some little things to make the woman I love smile and feel merry. Even though we've been together in person, there's still something very special about her opening up gifts I've chosen and thought about and wrapped and mailed. I'm looking forward to being able to share a Christmas with her for real one year soon, and many Christmases after that.

Oh I promised you a little surprise at the end of this post, didn't I? Well we are about to meet for the second time. I'll get into the whys and wherefores soon, but for now I'm revelling in the knowledge that the gal I love and own will be sleeping in my bed a few days hence, and I will be kissing her at midnight as the year changes.

That's just unbeatable as a way to start a new year, if you ask me.

Bedtime

I'm not going to try and tackle the whole "big picture" like magnificent k did in the previous post. Really I can't do it justice, because every time I try my mind ends up racing in a million directions at once, unable to settle on a metaphor or scheme or trope to pull it all together. So instead I'll continue to plod away, remembering and describing certain details, and the thoughts that spin out from there.

I arrived in k's city relatively late in the evening, and after having some dinner and talking, with big grins and jangled nerves and potent hormones, one thing led to another and I put it to her that I wanted to take her back to my hotel room and into bed.

She looked at me with all the vibrant love and audacious submission she has, and said yes.

Now, without getting into everything that it meant to me, and skipping over a lot of "plot" here, let me just talk about the pure bliss that it is to share a bed with this woman of mine. I've known forever that k likes to sleep, and even when not sleeping spends a fairly significant amount of time in bed - it's home for her. I've been wanting to be in bed with her for years, and it was beyond description to actually be there with her.

She does love to sleep, and I wanted to let her sleep a lot that first night, since she had an early start at work the next morning (it being shopping season at the retail store where she works). Besides, I was tired out too, from a long flight and long drive, and being too wired to sleep the night before. We both needed to rest.

Needless to say, we did no such thing. I really wanted to let her sleep, but it just wasn't going to happen. Our bodies had their own ideas, and everything was so magical that we gave in to those deliciously base corporeal demands.

We did a lot of things in bed over those few days. Besides the obvious (which I may or may not get into in another post), we also did do some sleeping, some reading aloud, some singing, some talking. Lots and lots of kissing and carressing. It was shockingly easy and right, the way our bodies fit together and moved together. There were expressions of love and acting-out of the D/s dynamic between us all the time, even in our sleeping positions.

I had been warned by k herself that she was a blanket thief, but that was a lie. She is as generous and warm and welcoming in sleep as she is when awake.

Sharing a bed with the woman of my dreams, the woman I love transcendently, the woman who is fully and beautifully Mine - it was a feeling unlike any other, and I'm still reeling from it a week and a half later.

the inbetween time

k here, i decided it was about time for me to weigh in on everything - make sure you all know that i am still here, and my Irch has not finally drifted off into some fantasy land, like he's been threatening to do for a while now.

I am still not sure i have words to describe our weekend together - it was wonderful and glorious and just the most perfect thing i've ever experienced. It really was just natural and right, being together - like we were finally able to really act out our love in person through touches and kisses and caresses, instead of through the longing sighs and typed words we've been using for years now.

Honestly I wasn't sure how well it was going to work out - i kept replaying so many different ways for our first meeting to pan out, of course none of them were anywhere close to what actually happened.

A week later, i am discovering that i didn't realize just how much we would connect over those few days we got to spend together. That it would be one of those bone deep soul touching sort of connections. And now, now that He's gone, that He's back in His home - i've never missed Him more than i do now.

I've never wanted to touch Him, and lay in His arms more than I do now. I've never wanted to kiss Him and sleep with Him more.

I didn't realize that in getting to experience all those things we've been longing for, for years now, i would have to miss them after He left. It aches down to my heart when i think about how much i want to be with Him again.

Status Confirmed

Well I think I'm finally ready to begin talking about some of what happened this past weekend with my luscious k. Most likely this will be just the first of a long series of posts, wherein I over-analyze everything in minute detail. In other words, just more of the usual around here!

I'm going to focus on spanking today. We had a really nice intense spanking session one of the nights I was there ... or maybe it was during the afternoon. To tell you the truth the whole long weekend is kind of a blur that way. In any case, the spanking was simultaneously (a) just what I thought it would be and (b) full of surprises.

I guess the real shock about it didn't hit me until afterwards. One thing I discovered during my time with k is that in person our D/s is even more intoxicating, to the point where certain mental faculties are subdued and instinct rises to the fore. I'm happy to report that we are both very satisfied with how our instincts meshed and informed each other's so well. But wait, let's get back to the spanking!

So when I layed her over my lap and started in, it seemed very right. I've known for a very long time that this is something that she craved, something I wanted to try, something expressive for both of us, and goodness knows it's something that we've acted out dozens of times online or over the phone. But after it was over (well, quite a while after, because that was just one part of a longer escapade), I realized something that I didn't admit to myself beforehand ... I was actually trepidatious about the whole spanking thing to some degree. In the moment, of course, there was no question - it was just the thing that was going to happen. But in retrospect, I must have had some nervousness about it in the back of my mind.

I mean, I've given plenty of playful swats in my time, and I've heightened sensation in the midst of other passionate pursuits with some surprising stings like that. But this more concentrated effort, focusing for a while on just the act of spanking k and the emotions it evokes, this real administration of a spanking - this was something new. There was a certain (small, but still there) amount of doubt as to whether I could pull it off and make it something both of us would get pleasure out of.

Turned out I needn't have let it bother me in the least. Taking her over my lap was 100% perfectly natural, instinctual as I implied above, and smacking her round ass with my hard flat hand was just deeply fulfilling. It turned me on to no end, pushed all those Dommish buttons in my brain, allowed my control and k's submission to sing in harmony, made my woman wet and whimpery, and set the stage for further inspired lovemaking that followed. I don't suppose I need to get into real detail about the D/s dynamics of it all, since other have been far more eloquent than I on that topic, but suffice it to say it was everything I'd hoped it would be on that score.

Even if I hadn't enjoyed myself as much as I did, I'd still be eager to do more, just because of the breathless surrender it inspired in my sexy k. But now that I've confirmed beyond any doubt that spanking her is such a profound thrill for me as well, and that it's an intuitive act ... I cannot wait for my next chance!

Got to start planning another trip right away.

In Person III

I went back to look at this old post, wherein I made a (very partial) list of things I wanted to do when I met my precious k in person. I thought that, as a way of starting to talk about our weekend, I could give an update on which items from the list we managed to do in our all-too-brief time together...


1. stare into her eyes and breathe in her presence a
2. tangle my fingers in her hair a
3. sit with her head in my lap a
4. kiss her mouth for about two hours without pause a
5. hear her whisper my name a
6. know the size of her hand in mine a
7. kiss her inner wrist and nibble at the flesh there a
8. play a hot game of scrabble
9. take a very long walk, preferably in cool and damp weather, fingers interlaced a(well, could have been longer, but was injoyable)
10. cook a meal for her, and watch her eat it a(think this should count, even if it was both of us cooking together for a larger group)
11. get our picture taken together
12. see her tongue peek out the side of her mouth when she concentrates
13. make out in a car or in a movie theater like a couple of horny teenagers a(in the car, and it was very hot)
14. spank her a
15. sing a song together
16. savor the juices of her cunt a
17. sleep naked with her a
18. go out dancing
19. go out dancing knowing that she holds my cum in her body
20. press my hand to the curve of her hip a
21. read a book to her or listen to her read to me a
22. inhale her scent deeply a
23. go out for a run and shower together afterwards
24. shop for groceries together a
25. feel the weight of her breasts in my palms a
26. sit with my arm around her a
27. undress her a
28. warm up her icy cold feet on my stomach
29. bake a pie together
30. give her ass a squeeze in public a(just a brief one as we cooked dinner, see #10)
31. feel her nipples tighten and pucker under my touch a
32. stand before her as she kneels a
33. watch her get dressed and brush her hair a
34. hear the gasps and keens she makes as she approaches orgasm, right in my ear a
35. hum low and deep with my lips pressed to her cunt a
36. watch her draw or paint
37. refer to her as "Mine" in front of other people
38. take her earlobe between my teeth a
39. massage her shoulders and back a(was just her shoulders, but I'll get to the rest next time)
40. place my hand on her thigh a
41. feel her eyelashes flutter against my skin a
42. watch her sleep a
43. mark her with a bright red hickey on her neck
44. drink hot chocolate together
45. whisper all manner of salacious things in her ear to make her thighs clench a(there needed to be more of this, though)
46. work on a crossword puzzle together
47. do something cliche-manly, like open a jar or kill a spider
48. listen to her heart beat in her chest a
49. hold her in my lap as I let my hands roam over every surface of her body
50. look into her eyes when I tell her I love her a

As you can see, we managed the majority of them, and we are starting to think about the next visit, so there will be plenty of time to do the rest and so much more!

I'll be posting bits and pieces of things over the next several days as aspects of our time together start to become talk-about-able in my mind. Sure was glorious though, in every way.

Wonderful

This weekend was without a doubt the most amazing of my life. More details in a future post, when I can somehow manage to find words to put to it all. For now, just: wow.

I love you, My sweet tremendous brilliant k. Today and forever.

today

He is going to be here today, in less than an hour actually.

I've been feeling it in my stomach all day, we're going to meet eye to eye for the first time tonight.

All these years that we've known each other have been building up to this.

He's going to be here tonight.

Bet Your Bottom Dollar

There's a lot of promise in the word "tomorrow."

I will sleep the sleep of the righteous tonight, spend most of the day travelling, then tomorrow evening I will wrap my arms around sweet k for the first time.

Just the knowledge of that happening, even without the execution of it yet, is swelling my heart (and other things, as you may have guessed from the oh-so-subtle picture to the left).

I have a sense of peace and what I might call "pre-fulfillment" today, and I am absolutely rock-solid certain that this has been more than worth all the waiting and pain it took to get here.

No creeping at a petty pace for us.

Full Steam Ahead

The time is coming up so soon. Can count the remaining days on one hand now, as beautiful k is fond of pointing out.

I was thinking that it must be boring to read this blog at the moment. Even if I could somehow impart the sense of anticipation and inevitability in an eloquent way, it doesn't make for good diaristic writing. If this were fiction, I'd have subtle foreshadowing, control over an accelerating pace, etc. In short, it would make a better read than my trying to condense days of thoughts and emotions into these posts that tend to repeat themselves. Ah well, that's just how it's going to be for four (FOUR!) more days.

I was looking back over older posts here, paying especial attention to the ones where I talk about our long-distance online relationship, tracking my thoughts about it over time. I expected that my feelings would have changed a lot since those days, now that I'm on the cusp of making a long-held dream come true. But I find myself surprisingly consistent in the way I understand and intuit the connection that sweet k and I share. My older writings aren't so much "justifications" of how our love worked from a distance, so much as they were descriptions and emotional outpourings about it all (though sometimes some anxiety peeks through, it's true). And nothing has changed in that light. I believe all the same things I used to believe, and I wouldn't modify anything that I've said.

I consider this meeting to be the next step in something that's been ongoing. It will surely be a sea change, but it will not be a metamorphosis. The core of who we are together, the transcendent beauty of that, the love that glows across the miles, remains.

Song of Songs

k sang to me tonight.

Love flooded my whole being and I exhaled it to fill the universe too.

She is entirely too sublime.

Confidence

The day of our meeting approaches (only ten days away as I write this - soon we'll be in single digits!), its pace too slow but at least steady. It goes without saying that I'm beyond excited about it. There's a certain near-frantic giddy edge to everything in life lately, and there's a sort of burgeoning potential energy in me that feels as if it could supernova at any moment and transmute me into starlight.

I should be very nervous, and I guess I am, but I find that my nervousness is always about little things. Logistical stuff like what I'll do if my flights are delayed, smaller interpersonal stuff like how I will manage to keep my hands off her body for stretches of five minutes at a time.

We are using this meeting as a sort of shake-down cruise for a future relationship; that is, we aren't considering ourselves to be a "couple" until we meet and see how our interactions mesh in the flesh. This is why the sexual, the D/s-related, and even the romantic are topics we are treading over lightly. (Well, as lightly as we possibly can - we seem to find ways to push our own boundaries remarkably often.) On paper, at least, we are extremely close friends right now and nothing more.

We are investing this meeting with a lot of significance, in other words. Trying to protect our hearts from the possibility of pain in the future if we discover a dealbreaking something about one other during this visit.

But here's the thing: I'm really not worried about that in the least.

I am utterly confident and completely assured. Of course there are unknowns about the future, but to my mind they are more in the tempo and key and texture of how we move forward. The strongly-intertwined counterpoint of our love is rock-solid and doubtless. Yes, I've thought about what my life would be like without her in it - it's a devastating scenario to say the least - but I can't seem to make myself get anxious over it.

Call it cockiness or unearned self-assurance, but in about ten days, I'll be making her Mine again, this time forever.

Single Blossoms

You know, a lot of times, being so far away from precious k makes things really difficult. When she's sick, I can't tend to her. When she is overstressed from work, I can't help lighten the load. I can't give her the comfort of holding her close when she's frightened by a violent thunderstorm. Especially now that we are holding back on the D/s-ish things until we meet in person and recommit, it's harder for me to be a strong force in her life from 2000 miles away.

But I do the small things I can. Today, there was a little crisis - I won't get into the details, but I was actually able to help, and that just makes me glow. I'll be smiling the rest of the day because of it.

Before Bed

Over the last couple of weeks, beautiful k and I have fallen into something of a routine at night. After chatting in IM for a while, she gets into bed (bedtime is two time-zones earlier for her), turns out the light, and we talk on the phone.

In many ways, this is the pinnacle of my day. We might speak on the phone at other times during the day as well, but this one is special. Just thinking about it now, my breath is growing deep and measured - it's calming and exciting in equal doses.

We usually chitchat for a little while, and I get to revel in the bell-tones of her voice and thrill to her sly drawl or rising giggle. We talk about what time she needs to get up in the morning (I usually send her a text-message to help her wake up), what tomorrow has in store for us, how we've survived the day that's passed.

Most nights I'll also sing a song to her. Something slow and usually romantic. I'm sure it comes out very garbled over the cellphone, but there's a connection that's hard to make in any other way. I think it helps us both wind down the day and slip into slumber.

Last night we started something new. I began reading a novel aloud to her, and I think we may work through it chapter by chapter over many nights. Or maybe alternate that with the singing. Or maybe she'll read some aloud to me, I don't know. But it's nice to have these possibilities.

And it's indescribably wonderful to know that the last things she hears each night before sleep are my words of love.

Clockwatcher

I installed a little countdown thingy on the left-hand side of the blog. I love being able to track progress toward a goal, but then again it bothers me that it doesn't move just a tad faster.

Anyone got any Star-Trek-style space/time continuum tricks for making that day come a little quicker? Or know a way to get word to Satan that I'd like to make some sort of deal?

Buying my plane ticket today, so that will undoubtedly help, or make it even harder to wait, or both simultaneously. Do I sound at my wit's end yet?

Tasty Treats

Well the other night I did something that I've been longing to do for months now. During our "interregnum," I never cooked for sexy k, and I missed it quite a bit. I won't get too into the whole emotional, romantic, Domly side of cooking for her (I've done that here, among other places), but suffice it to say that I am very glad that I can do this again.

I'd found a recipe for pumpkin muffins (with chocolate chips of course!) online, and couldn't resist trying it out and sending it to my hungry faraway woman, it being the right time of year for such an autumnal treat. There was a special twist to my cooking this time, though:

She got to watch me cook for her.

I set up the webcam (which previously had only been used to document other kinds of physical indulgence), and basically put on a cooking show for her. No, not "The Naked Chef," since we are keeping the overtly sexual things on hold until we meet in a few weeks, but I think still entertaining viewing. It was one step closer to cooking together, or cooking for her in her presence - at least one of which I am highly motivated to do on my visit. This is soul-satisfying in a deep way that I have a difficult time articulating here.

She received the package at lunchtime today, and I got to be in IM with her as she took a first bite, and instantly I felt our connection so strongly. And, as always happens and I'll never get used to, I felt like I'd tapped into the profound ancient magic of the earth, and glimpsed infinity for a moment. Yes, just from a bite of muffin, so sue me.

What a thrill to be able to connect with the one I love in this special way.

etwas langsammer

Glorious k and I are back in daily contact again, after a drought that was far too long. We are enjoying each other's company and reveling in how free and beautiful it feels to have no burdens weighing us down any more.

New anxieties have popped up, however, which are giving us pause and causing us to proceed more slowly now. I absolutely love k and she does me, but we are trying to become a couple again in a more organic way, rather than jumping right into the passion where we left off. This is not easy or painless, but it's necessary. We both want this to be forever, and that means going about things differently. It also means that the D/s is more a form of flirtation and a reminder of our shared past than it is an intrinsic part of our dynamic right now.

We are very slowly "coming out" to friends and family. We are sharing every possible waking moment, from the text message I send to wake her in the morning to the phone call when she's in bed at night. And the part that many of you have been waiting for: barring acts of god, we are meeting face-to-face in about a month. Just a weekend, but hopefully the first of many. I am trying hard to be blase, mature, and clinical about it - "this is just a test to see if we really get along just as well in person, and if it doesn't work out, no big deal." I think anyone who's read our postings here probably knows what a fight it is to maintain that kind of attitude. Anyway, we are mostly pretty giddy (and trepidatious) about the whole thing. We'll keep you informed as plans solidify.

For the moment, it just feels damned good to be back in a landscape with fertile soil and the potential for roads and bridges and maybe even a cottage-for-two.

Oh and this week's German title? Just for fun ... scholarly k is quite fluent in German, whereas I really only know tempo markings and things you might hear in a bad American WWII movie. By happenstance, a tempo marking was appropriate today.

almost...

The time is getting closer. I'm so tempted to just rush to my k right now, today. I know that it will be better for both of us if I see this out to the end. It will.

But that doesn't make the waiting easy. I love my k. I miss her. I want her. More than I ever have, I think. When I claim her again, I want it to be starting from scratch, and I want it to be forever.

Morning time and evening time and summer time and winter time. It's getting cooler and Halloween is coming, which means the time is almost here.

Soon, my love. Soon.

Event Horizon

Been at sea for so long, but soon I'll have the firm, fecund, flawed earth beneath my feet again.

Watch this space for an update in early November. Hope everyone is well.

Cautious Optimism

Doubt anyone's still reading here, but ...

The last couple of weeks I've started to feel like there might be a glimmer of hope on the horizon, not just in my personal life, but a chance that k and I might find a way to be a couple again one day in the future. Trying not to make too much out of it, since it's dependent on so many factors and it may not happen for a long while if at all, but the mere fact that I can see a future that's not boxed in and constricted is itself a victory of the heart.

There may or may not be more posts here, but I felt the need to write something tonight here in the "old playground." Hope everyone is doing well.

Useless Landscape

So it's been a pretty miserable few weeks here, for both beautiful k and myself. There's lots to get past and I don't want to bother anyone with details, but this has been a painful thing. I keep telling myself that I'm a lucky person, that I live in a time and place of great luxury, that I'm not a Rwandan refugee, I'm not an Appalachian coalminer whose tour of duty in Iraq was just extended again. Life could be so much worse.

So while the landscape around me is bleaker than it used to be, I've got a landscape and I can still walk through it. k and I still talk a little nearly every day, and we are involved in each other's lives as good friends are. This is how things will be for the foreseeable future, learning to live with smaller dreams.

Our time as a couple was the most intense and glorious and transcendent of my life. I learned more about myself, grew into a better human being, connected with the rest of the world in a deeper and more meaningful way. As the song says, "they can't take that away from me."

I wish neither of us were hurting so much, but that's just a fact of life right now. I wanted to add my thanks to all of you readers over the past 16 months - this blog has been a place of great beauty and excitement, and I treasure all the connections we've made with a great bunch of readers and fellow writers. It's been a joy. Lovely k or I may post here from time to time, but it will likely be a sporadic thing.

Thank you all for coming along on the journey with us.

on infinite repeat

Ironic endings

It's ironic the way life works sometimes. After the biggest most wonderful highs come the most soul crushing heart breaking falls. That seems to have happened for Irch and I. I won't go too far into specifics, but I feel like you all deserve a proper ending to all of this rather than just a forgetting by either of us.

Earlier this week, Irch encountered a crisis in his real life, one of such magnitude that he had to make a choice. Possibly one of the most difficult choices to make - between me and his real life and the people in it. I'm sure you all, judging by the way I've begun this post, can guess which decision he ultimately came to.

As much as it breaks both of our hearts Irch has decided the best thing to do in this situation is to release me from his collar and go about dealing with things in his real life. Such is part of the problem with online relationships, as much as we love and need one another, there are just somethings which demand our attention more.

So this week has probably been one of the hardest weeks I've ever had, it's hard to live your life in constant heart break, but each day we're moving on.

I'm not sure what will become of this blog, we're leaving it up, as a record of what we had. I am not sure if Irch will post anything about all this, he may. These past 16 months have been the happiest of my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Irch and I will continue to be friends, even though it is impossible for us to continue on as we have been doing, simply because neither one of us could imagine life where we no longer talked to the other.

I am just so glad we had this place to share some of ourselves with you all, to show the world what we had and maybe even help some people in similar situations. Thank you all for your love and support over this past year, it has meant so much to both of us. I have loved the support and comments we've gotten since we started, it has been so encouraging to know there are people out there in similar situations dealing with some of the same things, and even to know that people were actually reading about us. I have loved sharing us with you, and I am sad that I won't have the chance to do that any longer.

It's amazing how everything you love and hope and dream for can be taken away in one swift motion leaving you with nothing.

So we'll see how things go, day by day.

Togetherness

So I found this very nice post in kaya's blog, which expresses quite well the feelings I have about long-distance relationships like the one my scrumptious k and I have. As she and I discuss more intensely our desires to be together in the flesh and the powerful magnetic pull between us over the miles, it's refreshing to find a "defense" of online D/s. I have a long history of posting various ramblings and musings on this topic here in the past, and I won't bring that all up again, but I will talk a little about a few big milestones we've been going through lately, which have made me feel more and more interlinked with her, more in love with her, more her Master than ever (and yes, I know I've said that about a hundred times now, but really it just keeps getting better and more intense with this woman):

1. Well you've read about the collar in expressive k's previous post. I never thought it would feel as good as it does to know that she is wearing it, every moment, touching it for strength and comfort. To know that every breath she takes passes through that loop, that something symbolizing my love is surrounding her every minute of the day. And beyond all that, just knowing that she wants to wear it, willingly displays a sign of our connection for all to see. Powerful and humbling.

2. I posted here last week about how we've been sending pictures back and forth more often, since we both have the cellphones with cameras in them. Well one night recently, my surrendering k got deep down into her subbie mode, and I decided the time was ripe, so I demanded and got something that I've been holding back on for quite a long time. Yep, I have now seen my subbie naked. I'll probably have to do a whole long separate post on all the wonderfully complex interwoven emotions that came to the fore from that. But the first and most obvious thing to say: k is just stunningly beautiful. I don't think I'll ever be able to put into words here or anywhere just how gorgeous and glorious she is, nor how brave and obedient and trusting to show me herself that way. Just wow.

3. I send packages of various things to my bouncy surprise-loving k quite often. And yesterday I sent something out of the ordinary. Inspired by this post on Desire-X, I sent my love a shirt that I wore through the day. She'll probably get it in the mail tomorrow, and I'm kind of half-giddy thinking about it. This will be the closest we've come to the realms of touch and smell.

4. Scholarly k has been very responsive and eager follow through on all the writing and research involved in her applications to graduate school, too. I keep swelling up further with pride and sometimes I think I'm going to just burst. And "burst" in other ways too, because as I've mentioned many times, her hardworking focused brilliance turns me on like nothing else.

5. With not much time for online play, we've been having more phone sex, and fuck it has been just so hot I am having a hard time sitting still in my chair just remembering some of it. A few days ago I administered a spanking to her over the phone, only the second time I've tried that (I know it seems ridiculous, but I'll get into how it works some other time). It was profound and sensual and explosive and wild. Similar to getting the pictures from her (see number 2, above), in that I got her to say things out loud that she'd never said before. I heard a new depth of submission in her voice, and unsurprisingly I reacted instinctually, rising to a new height of dominance.

So there are a few updates, some of which I'll elaborate on in the upcoming days. I am just so high on my succulent subbie, so madly in love with her, made so complete and so transcendent by her.

And have I mentioned she has one hot gorgeous desire-fueling body that I lust after? How is it possible that his unparallelled, complex, fantastic, exquisite creature belongs to me?

on Christmas Gifts

So as you all know, Irch asked me to do a little blog post on His mystery Christmas gift. But first we have to reveal the mystery gift.

It was ...*pause for dramatic effect*... a collar!

Irch and i have never really done the whole collar thing, well not until several months ago when He sent me a few necklaces He'd made and i would wear one as sort of a makeshift collar. The one i opened at midnight on Christmas eve, though, this is one that i wear every day now. It is simply His initial on a chain, though the fun part is my own initial is worked into His, so it's perfect for us.

It's not anything fancy, or anything that is obviously a collar. But to me it is so much more than just a necklace or a collar or anything i could even think to describe it. I haven't yet been able to put into words, and i doubt i will now, just how much i love wearing His collar. I mean yes, i've done that since i first became His, but now to have an actual physical representation of what we've had for 16 months now, it's just so intense. To actually feel it pressing against my skin, to know that it is always there, that His lips touched this thing which rests against my chest every day. It's just more than i could have hoped for.

I love holding it, and playing with it during my day. It's a source of comfort for me when things get particularly frustrating at work or anytime during the day. I can just breath and feel Him there with me, actually feel the weight of His strength, and i am reminded that i'm never alone. I must have been a really good girl this past year, because really it's the best.

There is so much more emotion and love wrapped up in wearing His collar, but i am having trouble finding the right words to describe it, how can you put so much into just a few words. I am just so many things to Irch, but wearing His collar makes clear the most important: i am His slave. I doubt i could ever find enough or the right words to tell you all just how much i love and am loved by my wonderful Irch, and what being His really means, but for now just know it is the most amazing and beautiful life changing thing i have ever experienced.

Morning Rituals

In the morning, I shower, brush my teeth and hair, shave my face. And the person I see in the mirror - that is k's Master.

What a profound joyful transcendent moment every single day. So in love with my girl. Life is good.

See and Be Seen

Since my glorious k and I have had difficulty finding time to be online together lately (work schedules plus evening activities plus the time difference all add up to frustration sometimes), I haven't been able to pursue one of the main goals I've wanted to focus on these past months: using the webcam together more often.

Now in case you haven't been following along lately, my outstanding k has opened herself up to the possibilities of the webcam more, and she's also become markedly less shy about sending me pictures of herself, either by request or just when she feels like it. This kind of trust and openness has been a wonderful thing, and something I don't take for granted by a long shot. She is one gorgeous woman, and it's always shocking to me how the look in her eyes can floor me in an instant - all those years of only knowing her through what she typed never prepared me for just how physically beautiful and alluring she is. I find myself wanting more and more.

So since the webcam has been hard to find time for, I went out and got myself one of those camera cell phones about a month back. Now in spare moments at work or at home or at the grocery store or wherever I am, I can snap a picture to send to her. She's got one too, of course, being of the generation for whom cell-phones are second nature, and she'll send me pictures from time to time as well.

All in all, it's been a lot of fun. But I find myself getting kind of manic about it from time to time. I'll send her several pictures in a day, showing my mood or where I am or something on the street that caught my eye. Part of this is the novelty, I'm sure, but it makes me wonder why I look for excuses to send these pictures of myself ... am I that much of an egomaniac? Why does it seem more "personal" somehow to do that rather than type a poignant and romantic message sometimes?

And we haven't even gotten into the realm of cock pictures. Yes, I snap these photos and send them along to her waaay too often. I have no idea why - just because I can, I suppose. I've always had a mild exhibitionist streak, but nothing like this before. I mean, intellectually I know that this is something she's seen before, and she already is aware that she turns me on in thousands of ways every moment. There's no earthly reason for it, but I keep on doing it. I mean, it's flattering to get such positive feedback from her and all, but I don't know if that's the primary motivation. There's definitely a big element of "hey look at me!" involved.

Seems like I'm rambling on today with no real point, so I'll try and make my next blog-post have some actual focus and cohesion. Meanwhile, I've imposed upon my succulent k to write a little bit about her special christmas present soon, so stay tuned!