the real deal

Well I haven't posted here in a couple days, mostly because my mind, heart, and body have been on nonstop sensory overload from being with my k so much. I can't even tell you what this woman means to me - there just aren't words in any language I know to capture a fraction of it.

And, though our time spent in IM hasn't been as much as either of us would like, there's been a nice phone call, several emails, and so many text messages that it would probably be more efficient for us to rent our own satellite. I really feel like I've spent the past few days with her, all day. She's an integral part of me, her beauty and her grace and her brilliance running through my veins, her sweet submission warming the marrow of my bones. It's beyond mere obsession - I love my girl with my whole being.

So it's not a surprise that all my daydreams about being with k in real-life have been running roughshod over anything else that might try to flit through my mind. Buy groceries? Bah. Perform work functions? Meh. Pay the cell phone bill? Oh, well yeah maybe that one...

Anyhow, I've been just delirious and drunk on her presence, and those fantasies I have about living with her and sharing daily life have been at the forefront of my mind a whole lot. They've become really focused last night and today on the idea of sex (surprise! I never ever talk about sex here, do I?). Specifically, I've been musing at length on what wild, astronomically-improbable set of circumstances might bring us into actual physical contact one day. And then about what the experience would be like - the latter being the true focal point, naturally.

It would be easy to jump to one side of the fence and say that r/l sex between k and I would be exactly like it is online, merely a physical manifestation of our usual interaction. But that's pretty naive, no? I mean, as real as our online scenes feel, we can easily gloss over all the "god stop that tickles" and the "ouch okay now that's way too hard" and, worst of all the "wait-don't-move ... uhhhh ... ahhh ... um sorry." The natural sexual rhythm we've developed over a couple years of playing online isn't going to be precisely the same as the rhythm we would achieve in real life, and likely it would take quite some time to find it (not that we wouldn't have fun trying!).

Also, we've primarily reacted to sexual signals from each other in verbal form (and recently some auditory stimuli as well, though that's still pretty new). It feels so real, and has the same intimacy and meaning to us, but interpreting each other's needs and desires and emotions in other ways would certainly be different. I swear I can truly taste and feel and smell her in cyber when we get lost in our scenes, but the real k right there with me - that's bound to change the dynamics in so many ways. And let's not forget that the two of us are pretty shy people on the whole.

So let me hop over to the other side of the fence and say that really the r/l experience of sex between us would be completely new and not really connected to our online play. Well, there are a lot of problems with that too. At the most basic level: we know each other's likes and dislikes in bed and in D/s for the most part. I know what k is comfortable with, what she's curious to experiment with, and what things are beyond her. We have a common "vocabulary" of actions and responses and ideas and situations that we know turn us both on and manifest our relationship (this is a fancy version of k's saying we can "push each other's buttons").

But it goes far beyond that, and here's where my thinking takes a turn. I own k - I'm her Dom. I love k and she loves me back. Our love is strong, abiding, and pure, but it's also a worldly thing. It's not an abstraction, nor a love to be read about in a Petrarchian sonnet. It's a love that suffuses everyday life and encompasses our faults as well as our assets. Because of this, I know that any r/l sex we had would be an expression of passionate love - in that sense, it would be the same as scening online.

And in my mind, if you take that last bit as important, which I certainly do, all the rest of the arguments really just drop away into irrelevance. I hunger for the physical intimacy of r/l, and it would open up new emotional spaces to be sure, but the fundamental nature of our relationship would be hovering in the background the whole time, coloring everything, and that would never change except to grow stronger. k is loved, she's treasured, she's mine.

And it's not like there would be olympic judges on the sidelines holding up scorecards, right? (that's not exactly on my top 10 list of fantasies). Sex between us would be sex between us, and how could it not be an amazing thing, when everything else has been steadfastly amazing?