January thaw

Ah feeling soooo very good today. I went back to read my last post, which was even more scattered and screwed up than usual, and already I can't believe I was that person two days ago. All distraught and anguished and angst-y. Call me manic depressive, I guess, but today I'm just soaringly happy.

Because my k is back.

We chatted for a nice long time yesterday, and there was a delightful voice-mail from her waiting on my cell phone this morning. It really does feel like a big old iceberg thawing and melting into something warm and soothing. I didn't realize till we talked just how far gone into misery I was. "Never saw the morning till I stayed up all night," and all that, I guess.

Wow, when I start quoting song lyrics like a crushy high school sophomore, you know I'm running on endorphins and hormones here. Life's colorful and brilliant and clear again. Nice.

From time to time I try to distance myself mentally, and try to believe that this relationship is only what it looks like on its face: an extended flirtation, an exchange of words, two people masturbating a couple thousand miles apart, a mental construction, a high-tech pen-pal match, a flight of fancy. But my whole being rebels at those kinds of representations. The bond between me and k is simply not any of those things. Never has been. Won't ever be. Wild as it sounds, she's got a big old chunk of my soul, I lay claim to a chunk of hers, and no amount of "reality-check-hello-this-is-just-online" can convince me otherwise.

It's just real. The time apart, the extended lack of intimacy, made me look at things from different angles, but I kept coming back to the same conclusion: it's just real.

I cherish my k. I own my k. I love my k. Welcome back darlin.