Face Time

I know I've mentioned here before that I've never seen what my k looks like. I also know that such a fact must seem kind of strange to some, so I thought I'd take a little time today to explain why it's never bothered me.

So k and I have always had this long-distance online relationship. In the early days, when I started going to chatrooms and stuff, I'd never have dreamed of showing anyone what I looked like (even when my exhibitionist side came out and I got a webcam, it was because I got a charge out of showing myself ... uh ... below the waist - was not in the least interested in showing my face to anyone). And of course I never expected anyone to show me what they looked like either. Sure, once in a while someone would have up a profile picture that could maybe be real, not downloaded from a porn site, but even then I took such things with a grain of salt. While I enjoy aesthetic beauty as much as the next guy, that wasn't what I was online for. (besides, if visual stimulation was what I wanted, it's not like there's any shortage of that around the internet, you may have noticed...)

Later, when I got to know k better, and came to trust her and felt the first embers of love starting to glow in my chest, I'd show her what I looked like from time to time. Never made a very big deal out of it, though, partly because I get all twitchy and weird looking at the little box with my own picture in it, and partly because I never wanted her to feel like I was pushing her into reciprocating. Every once in a while, I'd make a teasing remark or two, though, just to let her know that I was curious ;)

And yes I was curious. I still am, and always have been. But it's a curiosity that hasn't ever been more powerful than my desires to (in the early days) let her protect her anonymity and (more recently) respect her shyness.

I have enough. I've always had what I needed from k. I've never been as much of a visual person as many others (definitely more aural, as you can guess from my posts about our phone play). Even when I'm reading novels and stuff, I don't get the 'pictures in my head' like most folks seem to get. Actually that would make an interesting study for some social psychologist doing work on the way people interact on the internet.

But (as usual) I digress...

Back on topic: While the curiosity has always been there, there's never once been a sense of disappointment or anything negative about not having a picture of my k to moon over. (And yeah, I'm a Dom, but I'm still a big crushy dork when it comes to stuff like that - if I were 14 I'd totally sleep with k's picture under my pillow lol.) Not knowing what she looks like has nothing to do with how deep my feelings run for her, or how powerful our bond is, or how intrinsically and utterly she belongs to me, or how . So in those ways (the only ways that matter, ultimately) seeing her face is immaterial. She is profoundly beautiful, period. She is everything that is sublime.

But there's this other thing too. I was also completely happy to have never heard k's voice before (though admittedly I was more eager for that than to see her). Looking at it in retrospect now, I see that listening to each other's voices was kind of a testing ground for a lot of the ways we interact as a loving D/s couple...

-I started out sending her sound files of me talking or singing or whatever, and there was no pressure about it for a long time
-With a bit of coaxing, she sent me a sound file of her voice that she had made for another reason
-Eventually k overcame her shyness about talking, trusted me with her phone number, and we started exchanging voice-mails, more and more regularly
-The voice-mails became part of assignments and took on more of a sexual and D/s nature as time went on. I believe that making it part of D/s play helped (and still helps) k move past her natural shyness
-We started speaking to each other "live" on the phone from time to time
-We had our first true phone sex (see previous posts...)

This all took place over the course of a year, really, though obviously it's been more intense since the collar, and even more intense in the last couple of months. It's been quite a wild ride, and promises to keep getting better.

But once again, I digress...

The point of outlining the above was to show that a lot of our interaction around the voice has been tied into our D/s relationship. I found this boundary she had due to shyness, and I tried to help her overcome that fear, to use my position as her Dom to draw her out more. I know it's something she wouldn't have done if she didn't trust me. I know it's something she wouldn't have done if I hadn't made it clear she had nothing to fear. I know it's something she wouldn't have done except for the fact that she knew it would turn me on (turn me on for two reasons, of course: 1: she's got the most deliciously sexy voice I've ever heard, and 2: she overcame her trepidation for ME).

I love that my k doesn't think twice before calling me to say hi, that she's interacting with me similary to how she might with close r/l friends that way. I love that my k takes the time to do her phone-related assignments wonderfully, that she's a good obedient subbie in that regard. I love that guiding her and encouraging her and sometimes flat-out commanding her has opened up this door for us. There's no doubt that we've become closer because of it - we have new means of expression at our disposal.

OK, so all the above exigesis on the phone/voice thing was to lay the groundwork for this: I've been very tempted of late to begin a similar process regarding the visual side of things. In fact, I've decided that this is going to happen eventually, and at this point it's really just a question of timing.

Now and then, I've tested the waters with k, to make sure that there isn't an insurmountable barrier there. I haven't made a secret of this, and her responses indicate that she has a lot of fear, but can be persuaded. I've tried to use my own webcam with her more myself lately (well, not too recently, because I'm still waiting for a new computer to arrive), so in a way the process is beginning already...

So we'll see how this all develops over time. I know for sure that, no matter what direction this ends up taking, k and I will be excited and aroused and fulfilled and generally giddy-in-love as always.

And that my friends is truly amazing... ;)

release

So i've wondered alot recently what exactly it is about a spanking. What is it about them that makes them able to be so diverse?

Yesterday was a really tough day for me. I got some pretty heart breaking news late in the afternoon after a really long day. I was tired from being up for so long and running around all day and then to get the news that i didn't get something i'd been hoping for, for months, just really hit me hard.

I called Irch soon after i got the news to let Him know. I just really needed someone to talk to for a bit and work out my emotions and stuff. Irch was busy when i had called and then i was for several hours after. When we were finally able to talk it was just really hard.

I was still upset and beating myself up about my news, and Irch was feeling helpless because there wasn't much He could do in that situation other than be there for me. And as much as i loved that i kind of felt myself pushing against Him when He was there offering support and words of encouragement to me. I wanted it but i also just wanted to be angry and hurt for a while.

I told Him at some point that i really just felt like i needed a spanking right then. Just that moment of release to help me calm down.

Being as it was one of the only things Irch was able to do for me, He obliged.

I've said before how i've always felt times when i just really needed a spanking to help me release the pent up frustration and anger i had. Last night was really it. I needed Irch to give me something that i could really cry about and not feel weak.

I hated that i was crying over this lost opportunity - i know it's not the end of the world, or my life, just the life i was expecting to have over the upcoming years, and i know it's not because of anything that i am lacking that i didn't get the position. But despite knowing all that, it still hurt. I still found myself needing to cry over it. I hated doing that though, my mind kept telling me how stupid i was for crying over something like that, it wasn't important and it wasn't going to keep me from anything that i really wanted to do. So why should i be crying over it - i just felt weak and helpless.

As Irch spanked me though i felt that voice in my head slowly turn down the volume. I suddenly had something i could cry about and not feel weak. I could finally give up everything i had been holding in during the day and just get it all out. Just give it all up and give myself up to Irch completely once again. I let myself just cry and cry, sobs racked my body as i just felt like i could finally release all that anger and frustration from my day.

Irch was there to take all my tension, my fears, and my doubts from me. He just pulled them all from my body with each crash of His hand against my flesh. I needed it more than i think even He might have known, just to know that He was there and willing to take every bad thing from me, striving to set everything right in my life once more.

I didn't have to worry about anything anymore, i didn't have to hold in that anger or frustration or the tears. He was there for me and He would take everything that i had. Just to feel His domination, His control, His ownership of me slowly made everything else in the world seem so insignificant. I just let Him take me in completely and surrendered everything i had.

I feel closer to Him today than i have in a while. I feel completely safe and secure in the knowledge that i am His, just as He is mine. I know that Irch loves me and will do whatever is within His power to make things right for me .. and that my friends is truly amazing.

Superstructure

So for the past couple of weeks, I've been steadily expanding my influence in k's daily real life. This has been exciting and thrilling, sometimes scary, always a powerful experience.

Now I've written here before about my giving my k assignments to carry out for me in r/l, usually writing something for me, leaving a certain voice message for me, etc. The first post she made here was at my behest, for example. And there have been other more overtly sexual and D/s-ish things, too: having her masturbate at a certain time in a certain way, writing my initials on her body, making her close her eyes and think of sex every time she sees the number 5. Probably typical Dom stuff, but it's been so empowering to know that I have a guiding hand in the life that she's leading several states away. And highly arousing, too, of course!

In any case, it's not that kind of stuff I'm talking about. This time I'm referring to run-of-the-mill quotidian activities that are really outside of the traditional D/s "scene." It started back before Christmas, and sort of sprang up out of my Protective Nurturing Dom mode (oh yeah, and any Dom/me that tells you they don't have that side is such a huge liar).

I don't think I'm giving away too much about k's private life when I say that she's planning to take the GRE test soon (a test like like the SATs, but for graduate school). Every time I asked her about it, she had an excuse why she hadn't started studying yet or looked into where and when to take the test, etc. Well I thought this was a pretty important thing for her to do, and joked with her that if she didn't make some progress soon that I'd make it into an official assignment, so she wouldn't be able to wriggle out of it. And eventually I did just that - put it on her list of assignments.

Now this was something of a leap for me. Though it was a fairly innocuous thing to assign, and obviously came from a loving motivation and all, it was the first time I'd pushed my Dom role into the zone that was previously reserved for "friendship" conversations. Yes, Dom and lover and friend had been all mashed up for a while, but I was still conscious of the fact that I was moving past a previous boundary.

To my delight, k took to it easily and dutifully and enthusiastically. Now, would she have done this all eventually even if I hadn't given her the assignment? Yes, I'm certain she would have. Perhaps it wouldn't have been quite as rigorous. Perhaps she'd have waited till the last minute. But she would have done it.

I like to think that having me "presiding and guiding" makes doing it less onerous somehow - adding a layer of fun and love. In any case, the fact remains that none of my caring nudges as her friend worked, but as soon as I put it in D/s terms, she was off to the races...

Once the ball was rolling on her GRE studying, I asked her how she felt about me reaching into her regular life like that, and she told me that she welcomed it and wouldn't mind if I did it more. [editorial note: my k will most definitely set the record straight if I put words in her mouth here - that girl has no compunction at all about correcting her Master]

So in the last couple weeks I've been "helping" with more aspects of life. Yeah, I like the word "helping" - definitely makes it sound like I only have her best interests at heart, instead of being a cold and cruel slave-driving task-master. Stuff like making sure she gets to bed early enough at night, gets her work done on time, etc. I've dished out punishments when she's failed, and served up rewards when she's complied especially well. The whole experience has been truly exciting, and I've learned a whole lot about myself in the process.

Until this whole "helping" business started with k, I really thought of myself as a bedroom-only kind of Dom: totally into D/s sexual scenes, but just vanilla in every other arena. I still think that's mostly the case, and I could never have one of those real-life M/s relationships that you read about (though hey, I have the utmost respect for those who can make that work). I know that deep down it would disturb me. But this gentle easing of my control into other aspects of my k's life has felt right, I must say. It will hit a limit at some point, for both of us, but right now I'm not sure where that limit will be (could be we're at that limit already, I dunno yet). We're exploring and learning what fits for each of us.

One of the best aspects of this new phase is that now I get a serious charge (of the sexual variety) out of boring everyday stuff that never turned me on before. Example: my k text-messaged me this morning to tell me that she got up on time and ate breakfast before starting her day, and it actually made my cock hard - knowing that I had some influence in that, knowing that she was doing it in part for me, knowing that she feels my presence in all those little details of life.

Such is the sweet obedience of my girl.

And now from a different angle

Well Irch asked me to make a response to the time we were able to spend together this past Friday - so here i am again. Be sure to read his view on the day too in the previous post.

It's been so hard for us to get our schedules in sync recently. The time we've had to be intimate with one another has been few and far between for the past few weeks. To generalize - it's driving me nuts.

Everything has been so intense between us. That connection i feel with Him is ever present now, He is always in my thoughts and I always feel that pull of ownership from Him in every little thing i do. To be without Him is just agony. I would not be able to survive if we didn't have the text messaging, emails, and phone right now. And all of those are just a fraction compared to actually "being" with Him and i'm constantly filled with this aching need to be with Him, and feel His ownership of my mind, my body, and soul.

So this past Friday we were able to be together for the first time in a while. It was so nice - so needed and so welcome. To be able to spend several hours with Him like that was just amazing in itself. But we were also able to slip easily into a scene as well.

It was so easy and so right. In the past we've had little hiccups right before we start anything like that, but Friday it was different. It was natural and right we moved easily from laughing and teasing and catching up on our days into that deep passion we share.

And i know we both say this every time but it was so amazing, i had almost forgotten the level of intensity that we're able to reach together. It's unlike anything i've ever experienced before. He is so perfect in His domination of me that i can't help but let myself be consumed by Him. It is so right and so natural and so perfect for us. It's the way it should be. There is just no way that i could not submit fully to Him when we're like that - it's not possible. And afterwards i am just full of Him, full of that feeling of knowing that i belong to Him completely.

I love that feeling, it is so amazing. Submission is a funny thing i think. It's so different for every one who experiences it and it's just so amazing that i've found someone who understands my type of submission and takes it so perfectly. I can so easily slip into Him when we're together, there isn't even a question of doing it anymore, like there may have been in the past. It's just the way we are. And it's so nice that we're able to be so free with that now, at this point in our relationship.

After our scene we spent the rest of the evening text messaging each other back and forth. Just teasing and playing and being goofy like we often are. I was so excited because just a few hours later we would get to be together again. He would be able to take me once again. Twice in one day is completely unheard of for us with our schedules so i was tingling at just the prospect.

To say that i was unhappy when i found out what had happened to His computer would be an understatement. I was distraught, upset, desperate ... and just ugh.

I'm addicted to this man, and to have a chance like that taken from me like that was devastating. I hated that we wouldn't get to be together again like we had planned. Yes we would still be able to text message and everything like we had been, but as nice as that is - it is no where close to actually being with Him.

So we continued messaging each other back and forth. I completed my little assignment for Irch and we continued on. It was so obvious how worked up we both were. And when He suggested that maybe He could call i immediately said yes. There was no hesitation in me at that moment.

Side track: I am such a shy person. We both are really so every time we've talked on the phone in the past it has been filled with little awkward pauses and shy laughter and just a general hesitation about the entire conversation. It's slowly leaving the more we talk, but there are still under currents of that in our conversations i think.

So as Irch has let you all know we decided to have our first real phone sex.

Wow ... Really that's the best i can come up with. In the past it's only been me coming. Irch whispering all sorts of sordid things into my ear and pushing me closer and closer to that edge and letting me fall over. And i'll let you know now those were great and amazing and wonderful. I love that, but this - this was a completely new experience. It's not all words and images, things are so much more animalistic and sensual. It just leaves you craving another taste another touch and just more.

I got to hear Him cum, do you know how amazing that is? I, a little shy girl who has never really considered herself anything special had made her Man cum. And it was explosive and i felt it reach all the way into my soul to hear Him cum like that. I had to just stop for a moment and just listen because wow, really just wow. I love knowing that i was a part of what made that happen, something about me caused that reaction in Him. And that my friends is amazing and just mmmm.

So i followed soon after, because as much as i just wanted to rejoice in the fact that I'd made my Man cum i couldn't hold back. Everything in me was just pushing me to the edge and telling me to jump off. There is something about coming with someone that is just so different from being alone. I'm not even sure what it is but knowing there is someone there who is listening to you, someone that you are listening to as well, it's just a whole new level to everything and so much more intense.

It was such and exciting and intense experience, and i was tingling for hours afterwards. My body was just humming with energy and desire. I so wanted to be taken again and again just like that, i wanted to make Him cum again and again. I wanted to use everything that i had in me to make Him cum again, and just take it all.

It was just a wonderful way to spend time with my Master, and i'm sure we'll be doing it again before long.

off the hook

Well my delicious k and I had a wonderful encounter on friday. We'd had a difficult week, in terms of finding times to be together, which is always very stressful and annoying. Less so because we have the phone and email and text-messaging, of course, but still I think we both consider chatting in IM to be our main mode of interaction, and due to our schedules, those times are getting farther between lately.

In any case, we had a delightful scene in IM on friday afternoon, our first chance in a long while to be together for a long multi-hour stretch. Wow, seems like every time we're finally able to get together, it's like some new world of pleasure, better than ever before. One of the best things about it for me was the easy and subtle ways that our usual chit-chat and playing around flowed in and out of the scene. Feels like real life more and more each time we play together. So it was one of those intense scenes that I tend to get lost in, and damned if it didn't seem like we were having some wild spiritual connection across the wires - her will subsumed by mine, my control and dominance enveloping her. Don't think I'll ever get used to the deepness of that, and how we can have that connection over a couple thousand miles.

So that was great, and I was excited to get online to chat with her again later in the evening, when disaster struck...

My computer's hard drive crashed.

Crashed hard.

It is now a black silicon-and-plastic doorstop.

I admit, it had been acting weird for a couple weeks, and I should have run some kind of diagnostic deal on it or something, but I figured I'm so responsible about having updated virus and firewall software, maybe I just needed to defragment the hard drive or something, and really it's no big deal and can wait.

*heaves a Domsigh*

So I'll be ordering a new computer soon, I think, since even reformatting and re-installing Windows from scratch does no good. ugh.

Anyway, back to our story -- We stayed in touch during the evening using text-messages, and k had a little assignment from me already that involved leaving me a voicemail message, so she did that. And it was obvious that we were both super-horny and needed some more of each other pretty badly. So we took the next logical step, and had our first for-real phone-sex.

And yeah, I'm here to tell ya ... that's some good stuff, that is. We've played on the phone before, but it was always me sort of talking through a scene with her while she sat quietly (well less and less quietly, to be honest) and then came for me. This was the first time that it was more like being in IM, because I made no secret of the fact that I was going to cum too.

It was different and thrilling and super-exciting - I'm not entirely sure in retrospect what exactly I said during our scene, because it all was moving by so quickly and my hormones were ringing in my ears. I know that k still didn't talk much, but her little gasps and moans and whimpers were like a symphony of pleasure to me. mmm can still hear them now, in fact. So very very hot.

I came first, and it was explosive and powerful, and I was probably still moaning and muttering about what a perfect subbie she is when she climaxed 10 or 20 seconds later. We did a little mutual panting and grunting and laughing together before we found words to speak again.

Afterwards, I told her how I was so ready to just take her again immediately following. And it was so true. k told me that she wished I had, because she was ready to go again right away too. So, we'll definitely have to keep that in mind for next time ;)

I wonder what it is about the phone that makes you crave more and more? It's so intimate and so much closer to real touch and presence. Time's not "stretched-out" like it often is in IM. It's less literary and more physical. In a way it's less thinking and more fucking. But I felt that same warm vibrating D/s intensity, the same flow of energy between us, the same deep and urgent need to own and guide and protect and use and control my k.

So I'm looking forward to some more of this. I think it'll do quite nicely while I'm shopping for a new computer. I've asked my lovely and tasty and brilliant k to write about the phone experience from her angle too, so you all can look forward to reading that here soon as well. And I have to admit I'm excited to see what she writes too ... then again, so far as I'm concerned, k is the very definition of excitement.

Literary Theory

So I've been reading this very nice novel called Arabian Nights and Days, by Naguib Mahfouz (not too into the whole hyperlink-to-Amazon thing, so I'll let you search for it yourself if you're interested - English translation quoted below is published by Anchor/Doubleday). Enjoying it quite a bit, and last night I came across this passage:

"He too was all the time wondering about the extraordinary dream which surpassed reality in its devasting effect ... Where [was] the world and everything in it? Nothing existed but that sparkling image, the sumptuous bedchamber, and the bed itself which was larger than the whole of his own bedroom. He had seen a vision of reality, had made real love, and here he was now loving in a way in comparison with which any actual love would be weak and feeble. Here he was suffering life's languor, its loneliness, its melancholy and everlasting sadness in being separated from her; it lingered in his nostrils. As for her whispered words, they repeated themselves with his every breath."

Yeah wow, good writing there dude. It's about a man obsessing over a very realistic dream he had about making love to a beautiful woman, but of course it really is a nice parallel to the way I feel about my k. I tend to think of the online/real-life duality as more of a shared reality, with lots of bleeding and blending from both sides and a nice enjoyably roomy gray area in the middle of true overlap. At least this is how I've been feeling the last months since making k mine. In the deeper past, I really kept online and r/l as quite separate entities in my mind. It really did feel more like a dream/reality dichotomy back then. These days, k and everything surrounding her are part and parcel of ordinary life, which of course is the most magical thing about it.

My online life with my lovely subbie may not be exactly a dream in the sense of the passage above, but she's certainly the girl of my dreams, nevertheless.

Dominatus Interruptus

Well an interesting thing happened last night. I had given my k a certain task to do (which was actually a sort of "replacement" assignment for something else, but that's another story...). But due to an unforeseeable r/l development, she was unable to complete it.

Now of course this sort of thing happens all the time, and when in an online relationship like ours, you have to get used to it. And it's not like similar unexpected interruptions don't happen to real-life couples as well. The difference is that there's sort of a lower "threshold" in online life, because, well, it's online. I don't know about other people, but I'm personally not yet at the point where I'll say to a friend or relative "oh I was chatting online with some of my chatroom friends," let alone say "I was in a heavy scene with my online subbie." It's just not something I'd think to bring up in a r/l conversation - requires too much explanation. Then again, I'm old. Maybe young folks feel more free about such things. So anyhow, I'd never dream of telling k that she had to hang up on a close friend who called her in the middle of the night to talk about important stuff, just so she could complete an assignment for me. If I were lying in bed naked with her in real life and her friend called, things might be different...

So back to the story. She told me later that, during her conversation with her r/l friend, her mind kept going back to me and how disappointed I'd be. Well, OK I guess I was slightly disappointed that I wasn't able to enjoy the result of her assignment, but I certainly wasn't disappointed in k herself! Real-life stuff is real-life stuff, and when it's important it takes priority - I'd never punish her or express displeasure with her for those reasons.

It made me feel a little guilty at first when she said that her mind kept flashing back to me when she was on the phone with her friend. But now that I've thought about it more, I don't feel bad about it. It's a natural thing, and really it's so flattering to know that I stay in her mind. *Chest swells with pride*

Even in little glitches like this, I find reasons to love my k more.

fabric of love

There seems to be something new between k and I. I've spent the last few days trying to figure out just what it is, but can't put my finger on it. Maybe that's partly because I haven't really "spent the last few days" thinking about it, because mostly I've been revelling in it, whatever the heck it is.

We had a couple of days where we were able to keep in touch from morning till night, either with IM or email or phone or text messaging, and it was like a dream come true to be with her that much. She's so enchanting and intoxicating when I get her in small doses, but all-day banter is another level of engagement entirely. Somehow in those couple of days, the little shadows that had been in my mind during our time apart all got blown away, and there's this new kind of ... geez it's tough to put a name to it. Sort of a scintillation, a heat, a depth. I feel like she's more truly Mine than ever before somehow.

It's not like there's been a qualitative change, more like an intensification to a degree I hadn't thought possible. Even when we're just chatting about silly daily stuff, I feel it. And it's more intrinsically tied to my domination of her than previously. I'm reaching into her r/l more, and doing so not just as a friend, but as her Dom. Asserting my dominance more. And I feel her submission sort of drawing this out from me in various ways, welcoming it. My need to control her is more overwhelming than ever.

I realize this is one of my more scattered and bizarre posts, and maybe I'll have a better handle on this in a few weeks. But whatever it is, it's a most amazing thing. Feel like I'm dancing every time I see k's name or have a passing thought of her. My dreams have been full of her. It's like I'm taking in her scent with every breath. Feels like we've woven this really strong fabric of friendship, love, and D/s, and now we're leaning on that fabric, testing it's resilience, and using it as the first step on a ladder to something new.

And yes, my k's slightly bratty behavior seems connected to this too. It's certainly not as bratty as the kinds of behavior I've seen in other subs. Pretty mild, really. But the fun part of it is that I'm so enjoying the tension in her -- I can see her inner struggle, between wanting to mouth off or act up for attention on the one hand, and desiring to be all demure and well-behaved for her Dom on the other. It's adorable, of course, and it's such a power-rush to see her caught between the two extremes, knowing how influential I am in her life.

We weren't able to spend much time in IM over the long holiday weekend, which was a major disappointment to both of us, but we've emerged from it stronger. I for one am ready to use that fabric I talked about as a springboard to jump into a stratosphere of mutual lust with her.

Rather Cheeky

Over the past week, things between Irch and i have been so intense. Every little thing just adds to that bond that we have and it's just been so amazing. Through all of this i have found out so much not only about Irch and our relationship together but also about myself. I feel myself actually aching to submit to him in new ways, and striving to keep from messing up in any way.

When i first discovered the land of BDSM and M/s and everything else that goes along with it i was instantly drawn it. It was like finding this completely new side of me that i'd never even seen before, that i'd never even considered before. So that in itself was amazing and just wow. Since accepting Irch's collar it's like that feeling all over again. I'm finding all new depths to myself that i never even knew existed before and this time it's all happening so naturally.

We fit together so easily even after knowing each other as friends for years before the collar. This just seems right now and everything is the way it's supposed to be between us finally.

One thing i've noticed this week in particular is rather new to me. While everything in our relationship has been intensifying and we're getting closer, i've discovered something completely new about myself which is a bit odd.

I'm a brat!

Ha! I'll bet that comes as a big shock to all of you, saying "oh sure but aren't all subs". Not true my friends. Generally i don't think i am at all (Irch may say differently) the only time i've ever purposefully bratted was in a chatroom and even then it's not very much. So how surprised was i when i did it today without thinking.

I sent Irch a bit of a bratty text message this afternoon, i'm pretty sure he hasn't read it yet or maybe he has, heh. But wow - after i sent it i stopped and thought "now where did that come from". And really it wasn't super bratty or anything like that, but i think it went way past any of my normal behavior. So i thought about it a bit today and came to a very funny realization.

I'd been a brat because i missed Irch. True we've gotten to be in contact for long periods over the past few days but i've missed actually getting to "talk" with him and spend time with him over these past few days as well. And yes it's just so text book and cliche but when i actually took the time to think about it i realized that yes i miss him like crazy and want to spend some real time with him.

So look at that, some bratty behavior is not just the result of a spoiled sub acting up to get attention. Sometimes it's the result of a spoiled sub acting up to get attention and ... wait. Heh, so maybe it's kind of the same thing but really it's totally different.

And so really there was no point to this post other than to let you all in on what a dork i can be.

the real deal

Well I haven't posted here in a couple days, mostly because my mind, heart, and body have been on nonstop sensory overload from being with my k so much. I can't even tell you what this woman means to me - there just aren't words in any language I know to capture a fraction of it.

And, though our time spent in IM hasn't been as much as either of us would like, there's been a nice phone call, several emails, and so many text messages that it would probably be more efficient for us to rent our own satellite. I really feel like I've spent the past few days with her, all day. She's an integral part of me, her beauty and her grace and her brilliance running through my veins, her sweet submission warming the marrow of my bones. It's beyond mere obsession - I love my girl with my whole being.

So it's not a surprise that all my daydreams about being with k in real-life have been running roughshod over anything else that might try to flit through my mind. Buy groceries? Bah. Perform work functions? Meh. Pay the cell phone bill? Oh, well yeah maybe that one...

Anyhow, I've been just delirious and drunk on her presence, and those fantasies I have about living with her and sharing daily life have been at the forefront of my mind a whole lot. They've become really focused last night and today on the idea of sex (surprise! I never ever talk about sex here, do I?). Specifically, I've been musing at length on what wild, astronomically-improbable set of circumstances might bring us into actual physical contact one day. And then about what the experience would be like - the latter being the true focal point, naturally.

It would be easy to jump to one side of the fence and say that r/l sex between k and I would be exactly like it is online, merely a physical manifestation of our usual interaction. But that's pretty naive, no? I mean, as real as our online scenes feel, we can easily gloss over all the "god stop that tickles" and the "ouch okay now that's way too hard" and, worst of all the "wait-don't-move ... uhhhh ... ahhh ... um sorry." The natural sexual rhythm we've developed over a couple years of playing online isn't going to be precisely the same as the rhythm we would achieve in real life, and likely it would take quite some time to find it (not that we wouldn't have fun trying!).

Also, we've primarily reacted to sexual signals from each other in verbal form (and recently some auditory stimuli as well, though that's still pretty new). It feels so real, and has the same intimacy and meaning to us, but interpreting each other's needs and desires and emotions in other ways would certainly be different. I swear I can truly taste and feel and smell her in cyber when we get lost in our scenes, but the real k right there with me - that's bound to change the dynamics in so many ways. And let's not forget that the two of us are pretty shy people on the whole.

So let me hop over to the other side of the fence and say that really the r/l experience of sex between us would be completely new and not really connected to our online play. Well, there are a lot of problems with that too. At the most basic level: we know each other's likes and dislikes in bed and in D/s for the most part. I know what k is comfortable with, what she's curious to experiment with, and what things are beyond her. We have a common "vocabulary" of actions and responses and ideas and situations that we know turn us both on and manifest our relationship (this is a fancy version of k's saying we can "push each other's buttons").

But it goes far beyond that, and here's where my thinking takes a turn. I own k - I'm her Dom. I love k and she loves me back. Our love is strong, abiding, and pure, but it's also a worldly thing. It's not an abstraction, nor a love to be read about in a Petrarchian sonnet. It's a love that suffuses everyday life and encompasses our faults as well as our assets. Because of this, I know that any r/l sex we had would be an expression of passionate love - in that sense, it would be the same as scening online.

And in my mind, if you take that last bit as important, which I certainly do, all the rest of the arguments really just drop away into irrelevance. I hunger for the physical intimacy of r/l, and it would open up new emotional spaces to be sure, but the fundamental nature of our relationship would be hovering in the background the whole time, coloring everything, and that would never change except to grow stronger. k is loved, she's treasured, she's mine.

And it's not like there would be olympic judges on the sidelines holding up scorecards, right? (that's not exactly on my top 10 list of fantasies). Sex between us would be sex between us, and how could it not be an amazing thing, when everything else has been steadfastly amazing?

the magic touch

mmmmm yes I'm feeling awfully good today... my k ended up being able to get online yesterday, and looks like we'll be able to be together this week after all! *attempts not to bouce off the walls because it is so undignified and unDomly*

So we were able to chat for an hour or so in the afternoon yesterday, and another hour or so in the evening. Just like k indicated in her post, I'm positively aching to be with her again alrady. And there was something that occurred to me as I was thinking about it later...

The first brief-ish chat we had yesterday was full of catching up and questions and fun and teasing and giddy excitement (giddy on k's part of course, as mentioned above, I'm far too stately and grave a Dom to act giddy). And our second brief-ish chat was full of, well, more of the same, plus a healthy dollop of what we called in junior high the "mushy stuff."

But when we were starting to say our goodbyes, I realized that something was missing. We've been communicating with voicemail and text messages and all so much that we hadn't had any physical contact in ages.

OK, yes, it's true that, being an online couple, we've never had physical contact in the usual sense, nor will we ever in all likelihood. But we do have scenes, which I've stated here numerous times feel so real as to be indistinguishable from actual touch in the heat of the moment and in memory later. And that's one thing I've been craving without putting a name to it, I guess. So, there not being time for the drawn-out scenes we're famous for, I opted for a kiss.

I swear I felt the kiss actually raise my body temperature and make sweat stand out on my forehead, in addition to the other physical reactions that I'm sure you can all imagine. In fact, it's still keeping me warm now, almost half a day later. How I need this woman. My will to possess and treasure and dominate k has reached a (literal) fever pitch today.

It's fun to be the cool aloof Dom, bemused by the antics of his girl, always in control. But things are going to be wild when I see her later today. I don't think I can be held responsible for the instinctual, animal lusts that must be slaked.

*Stalks k with the sprung quietness of a predator, pent-up energy threatening to erupt at any moment*

Aching

Hey folks, it's me again! The world traveler k (or at least the US).

I'm home again finally, and things may start getting back to normal for Irch and i. I had planned to be away for a few more days this week but i had some things i wanted to take care of at home before i get into things next week.

I got to talk to Irch twice today and guh that man knows how to push my buttons too well. I'm in such a state right now and bring apart for so long does not help anything at all. I need him so badly right now it's not even funny. I'm physically aching for him i want to feel that ownership and possession from him that i've craved so much over our time apart. Tonight only whetted my appetite for him and goodness i need to have more of that.

I am just so glad to be home and be able to spend time with my wonderful Irch and i can't wait until he gets to take me again cause i need it so badly.

guden tag

Well it seems I've been "tagged" for the first time, by the very nice Desireous and her sexy blog. I have to answer some questions and then pass them on to some other folks to answer as well. Ah the wacky world of blogs. A welcome distraction in my current state of solitude, to tell you the truth...

I'm answering all these questions based on my real-life experience of course. (In cyber, life is much more exotic....)

1. Have you had three-way or group sex? Nope, one at a time's already more than I can handle sometimes, ty very much

2. Have you had sex during menstruation? Believe it or not, I have actually never menstruated... But I suppose I should answer this from my own male point of view. Yes, I have indeed had sex while a football game was on.

3. Have you had a sexual experience with someone of the same gender? Nope.

4. Have you had sex in your parent's home? More times than I can count.

5. Have you had hot interracial sex? Fraid not.

6. Have you masturbated in front of another person? Yes. And if you include using the webcam, yeah I'd say I've gone more than my fair share of that in the past.

7. Have you had sex in a public place? A couple times in semi-public. Not really in view or anything, but with the possibility of being surprised by a passer-by.

8. Have you been filmed or photographed having sex? Nope.

9. Have you had anal sex? never.

10. Have you masturbated today? Not as of this writing... ;)

11. Have you had sex in a car? Not ever gotten all the way to actual sex, but of course plenty of groping and fondling and licking and such delicious things.

So now I'm supposed to tag three other people. Hm, I'm rather new to this whole tagging thing, and don't have a whole lotta bloggy-type people I know, but I'll tag a few folks who've stopped by the ol' blog lately:

taylor

Urbanstud
UPDATE!
Dave aka B has declined, so I'm forwarding his slot to:
ling


go to town, folks!

more technical difficulties

So the other side of this whole phone-only thing is that I'd given k a long calendar of assignments to do for me (one of my favorite things to do when we have to spend time apart). But nearly all of the assignments were computer-related, so I'm having to re-think all that.

I've been tempted to reformulate the assignments or add in some different ones that could be done away from the internet, but as I mentioned in the previous post, I'm getting the sense that things are a little fragile right now. So best course of action seemed to be to just cancel all the assignments for now. Once she's back online and we're talking regularly and all, I can always re-schedule them. She'll have a whole lot of work cut out for her though lol, getting caught up with everything in a shorter timeframe... but as I mentioned, my k is up to it. Strong girl.

technical difficulties

It seems k's computer, or rather her internet connection, has been acting up the last couple days, and now she's off to stay with friends where she'll likely have no computer access for another few days, so the lovely long IM conversation we had the other day was our last one for a while. So we are going to be in phone-only mode.

It's been really special and great to get a voicemail message from my girl every day so far. The ring and glide of her voice still arouses me like nobody's business, and I've been having a lot of fun listening to those and sending my own replies. It's a little awkward at the moment, since we're both back from a long stretch spent with other people and apart from each other, and I can sort of tell that k is having trouble "jumping back in" to things with me, so we're proceeding a bit slowly. I don't mean to say that I have any doubt that she's mine, committed, dedicated, and loving as always. Of all those things I'm completely confident. It's just a little adjustment period that's going on longer than it should due to technical difficulties.

Meantime, I'm still sending in the neighborhood of 600 emails a day to her, it seems, so when she does finally get back to her working computer, she'll have a minor flood to contend with. But I think she can handle it. She's nothing if not a strong one, my k.

January thaw

Ah feeling soooo very good today. I went back to read my last post, which was even more scattered and screwed up than usual, and already I can't believe I was that person two days ago. All distraught and anguished and angst-y. Call me manic depressive, I guess, but today I'm just soaringly happy.

Because my k is back.

We chatted for a nice long time yesterday, and there was a delightful voice-mail from her waiting on my cell phone this morning. It really does feel like a big old iceberg thawing and melting into something warm and soothing. I didn't realize till we talked just how far gone into misery I was. "Never saw the morning till I stayed up all night," and all that, I guess.

Wow, when I start quoting song lyrics like a crushy high school sophomore, you know I'm running on endorphins and hormones here. Life's colorful and brilliant and clear again. Nice.

From time to time I try to distance myself mentally, and try to believe that this relationship is only what it looks like on its face: an extended flirtation, an exchange of words, two people masturbating a couple thousand miles apart, a mental construction, a high-tech pen-pal match, a flight of fancy. But my whole being rebels at those kinds of representations. The bond between me and k is simply not any of those things. Never has been. Won't ever be. Wild as it sounds, she's got a big old chunk of my soul, I lay claim to a chunk of hers, and no amount of "reality-check-hello-this-is-just-online" can convince me otherwise.

It's just real. The time apart, the extended lack of intimacy, made me look at things from different angles, but I kept coming back to the same conclusion: it's just real.

I cherish my k. I own my k. I love my k. Welcome back darlin.

you're out of my arms and I'm out of my mind

Been a while since I posted here. Happy New Year to anyone reading, and my best wishes for a wonderful 2006.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, my k and I have been out of contact for twelve, yes TWELVE, entire days now, and it'll be two more before we get to talk again. Now this was foreseen, and meditated upon, and dreaded. This has been taking place during the holidays, when there are plenty of distractions. This has really not been all that long compared to other times apart.

This has been absolutely unconditionally unbearable.

*puts on Ranting Dom suit*

Those of you who read this blog know how k's and my lives have interwoven to a degree neither of us really thought possible in an online relationship, and we've expanded our communications from IM and chat into text messaging and voice mail and the occasional phone conversation. This has meant that hardly a day goes by that we don't have some form of contact, even if it's just a quick email or text message. But there's been nothing for 12 days, and this kind of dry spell is just agony.

This is partly self-imposed. I said "Hey we're both gonna be busy. I want you to just have a good time and be able to take a break, even from me. It's not for all that long." Well my resolve crumbled awful quick, as I guess I knew it would. I started emailing a few days ago, knowing that she wouldn't be able to read my messages yet. The emails are just building up in her inbox and she'll likely have to spend the better part of an evening just reading through them, but I need the contact, even if it is one-sided. Need to know that I can touch her with my words. Need to imagine her reading my mails later and laughing or getting that dreamy happy-subbie look in her eyes.

Adding to the general ache is the fact that even once we're able to have some contact again, it will most likely be just emails and text messages, no actual IMing or phoning or any of that for another week or so. But right now I swear I'll take anything.

Terrifically un-Domly of me to pine away for my girl like this, I'm sure, but can't be helped. Hooked on her and I ain't apologizing for it.

The one sort of nice thing is that, despite the time apart, I've been able to feel the connection between us still. It's a fixed part of me now, the chain that tethers k to me, and even when she's not around, I can stop for a moment and just feel that deep connection. I can imagine her presence too, of course, and vividly. But for some reason it's more deeply soothing and intensely energizing to think of "us" and this imaginary connecting chain. Thinking only of her (which, it should go without saying, I still do constantly) makes me feel like half my heart's been cut out. Thinking of "us" gives me some kind of solace and contentment, because I know we are bound together, even when one of us is absent. I'm in her mind and she's in mine.

Hurry back home to your Dom, my lovely k.