What is is about thunderstorms and torrential rain that gets me so worked up these days? This is a fairly new phenomenon for me - just in the last 2 or 3 years. When there's a downpour outside I get so damn horny. And for really aggro, rough sex too. It's been raining on and off the last few days here, and I can't think of anything else but just taking my k and ... well basically just *taking* my k.
There's the sensual side of rain - big fat drops splatting on everything, the cliche pitter-pat on the windowpane, getting all cold and drenched, the rumble of thunder and the cracking streak of lightning flashing in the sky. Just things that remind you that you're part of nature and all that. The idea of pent-up energy in the form of water just being released and flowing down to the ground...
And there's a poetic side too - the rain and the lightning being threads connecting sky and land, the life-giving water making the earth fertile and all.
And yes, there's a D/s element too. Actually that may be the reason that I started getting into the sexual part of storms a few years ago, coinciding with when I started experimenting with my Dom side. And it would also explain why this particular rainy season has been affecting me so seriously, now that I'm in a relationship with k. The D/s deal with storms is that they just come sweeping over the landscape, unstoppable, sometimes out of nowhere, dark clouds rumbling and letting loose on the land, the rain just inescapable and all-encompassing, full of power and promise, irresistible, pelting away at the landscape and everything on it, loving it and punishing it and giving it what it craves.
yeah, I'd say I've got a little storm fixation... swear if I lived in Seattle I'd never get anything done...
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
day by day
Every day with my k is a beautiful day. Life has just become a grand, brightly-colored, musical thing since knowing her, and somehow that's all been magnified in the last few months since the collar. I've almost gotten used to being surprised and thrilled by her every day.
Then she goes and posts something like she did yesterday, and once again I'm awestruck, shaken to my bones. It's like everything before has been skimming the surface, and I'm getting a glimpse of this complex burgeoning world beneath. Possibilities expand, horizons recede, the landscape is suddenly more verdant and lush and dramatic.
I've had this kind of feeling a handful of times with k, but each time it floors me. Makes me want to be everything for her. That's just love methinks.
I can't read her previous post without getting ragingly hard either. Actually a few words are enough to set me off - and it's a deeply-felt center-of-my-heart kind of arousal too, like my mind is vibrating and sending a humming wave of bliss through every cell of my body.
I look through what she said, and tell myself that there's nothing really all that new there. It's all stuff she's said before at one time or another, bit by bit. But reading it all in one place, and in a public kind of forum... That's special. That's golden. That's just love.
Oh and if you can believe this, on the same day she wrote that amazing blog entry, she also wrote a sexy story for me. She's a treasure, I tell you. An embarrassment of riches, my k.
It can be tough having a subbie who's perfect, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
That is indeed just love.
Then she goes and posts something like she did yesterday, and once again I'm awestruck, shaken to my bones. It's like everything before has been skimming the surface, and I'm getting a glimpse of this complex burgeoning world beneath. Possibilities expand, horizons recede, the landscape is suddenly more verdant and lush and dramatic.
I've had this kind of feeling a handful of times with k, but each time it floors me. Makes me want to be everything for her. That's just love methinks.
I can't read her previous post without getting ragingly hard either. Actually a few words are enough to set me off - and it's a deeply-felt center-of-my-heart kind of arousal too, like my mind is vibrating and sending a humming wave of bliss through every cell of my body.
I look through what she said, and tell myself that there's nothing really all that new there. It's all stuff she's said before at one time or another, bit by bit. But reading it all in one place, and in a public kind of forum... That's special. That's golden. That's just love.
Oh and if you can believe this, on the same day she wrote that amazing blog entry, she also wrote a sexy story for me. She's a treasure, I tell you. An embarrassment of riches, my k.
It can be tough having a subbie who's perfect, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
That is indeed just love.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Something Surprising
I know Irch has said this over and over again, but the most surprising thing to me about our growing relationship is how real it is. I never went out looking to form a lasting relationship with anyone when i first started coming online. So it was originally surprising when i was able to remain friends with Irch for so long, especially after i was collared by another dom. That had never happened before.
Chatrooms were just a nice outlet for the sexual frustration i was feeling in my real life. It was nice to have someone to talk to about all the things i keep hidden in my real life. (Taking a step back from this: We should all know that in the flesh i am extremely shy, i almost never swear, and you would never suspect me of being the little sexual deviant i am online - though i'm sure that's the way it is with most people) It was just nice to find people who i didn't have to be worried about what they though of this side of me.
So chatrooms were really more about being able to find that little niche for that part of my personality and nothing more than that. So you can imagine how surprising it was to find Irch and become fast friends. I found myself sharing about my personal life and the life i had completely separate from chatrooms and the protocol of online (Side track again: That was another nice thing about chatrooms, the protocol ... it gives you something to hide behind and it's always fun for a laugh).
And most surprising of all, he didn't run away when things got personal. He didn't shy away from me when i would share intimate details from my past and childhood. In fact he was even supportive and could sympathize with me. It was so nice to have that too. Sure i have friends in my real life who i can share with about personal details from my life but there is always a little part of me that feels like i have to watch what i say and just be careful with letting people to close. I've never really felt that with Irch - i've always had a calm about him and never really felt the need to be someone completely different from who i really am.
So in the past few months the most surprising thing to me is how real our relationship has become. I know He's said this over and over again, but really it never fails to amaze me how much i feel for Him. Because in the end He is a man on the other side of a computer screen, who i will probably never meet face to face. However, He is so much more than that to me.
It's so hard to explain all the emotions i feel towards this man. I love him ... which is crazy in and of itself. He makes me laugh, and smile, and ache for him, he's hurt me, he surprises me constantly, he comforts me. All in all he's just really a wonderful man, who i am so happy to call mine.
It's just so surprising to me, that i am able to feel all these things for a man i've never really met. But that fact doesn't make any of my emotions any less real. Even when we're not actively talking online, or exchanging text messages, or voice mails i still think of him constantly. He is almost always on my mind and if that's not real i don't really know what is.
And that's just surprisingly wonderful to me.
Chatrooms were just a nice outlet for the sexual frustration i was feeling in my real life. It was nice to have someone to talk to about all the things i keep hidden in my real life. (Taking a step back from this: We should all know that in the flesh i am extremely shy, i almost never swear, and you would never suspect me of being the little sexual deviant i am online - though i'm sure that's the way it is with most people) It was just nice to find people who i didn't have to be worried about what they though of this side of me.
So chatrooms were really more about being able to find that little niche for that part of my personality and nothing more than that. So you can imagine how surprising it was to find Irch and become fast friends. I found myself sharing about my personal life and the life i had completely separate from chatrooms and the protocol of online (Side track again: That was another nice thing about chatrooms, the protocol ... it gives you something to hide behind and it's always fun for a laugh).
And most surprising of all, he didn't run away when things got personal. He didn't shy away from me when i would share intimate details from my past and childhood. In fact he was even supportive and could sympathize with me. It was so nice to have that too. Sure i have friends in my real life who i can share with about personal details from my life but there is always a little part of me that feels like i have to watch what i say and just be careful with letting people to close. I've never really felt that with Irch - i've always had a calm about him and never really felt the need to be someone completely different from who i really am.
So in the past few months the most surprising thing to me is how real our relationship has become. I know He's said this over and over again, but really it never fails to amaze me how much i feel for Him. Because in the end He is a man on the other side of a computer screen, who i will probably never meet face to face. However, He is so much more than that to me.
It's so hard to explain all the emotions i feel towards this man. I love him ... which is crazy in and of itself. He makes me laugh, and smile, and ache for him, he's hurt me, he surprises me constantly, he comforts me. All in all he's just really a wonderful man, who i am so happy to call mine.
It's just so surprising to me, that i am able to feel all these things for a man i've never really met. But that fact doesn't make any of my emotions any less real. Even when we're not actively talking online, or exchanging text messages, or voice mails i still think of him constantly. He is almost always on my mind and if that's not real i don't really know what is.
And that's just surprisingly wonderful to me.
keep it real
I'm in one of my moods today. I start daydreaming about what life would be like real-time with my k, and once I get started I can't stop. It's an idle pursuit, and one I probably shouldn't let myself take, but my mind gets going and races off.
I can't imagine a future where k and I have a r/l relationship. Hang on, let me put that better: I can imagine it, and do so with increasing frequency and in great vivid detail. But I can't imagine that a situation would arise when it would be prudent or even possible. I've known all along, and you can even search back into early blog posts here to see, that k and I have an incredible, wondrous, beautiful, constantly-amazing relationship online (and now on the phone sometimes), and she is an integral part of my daily life, but: we are not going to be arguing over what color couch to buy or who left the cap off the toothpaste any time soon.
In a way, that's a shame. I know that this is supposed to be what's so nice about online relationships - all the good fun stuff and none of the daily grind - but I guess part of me craves the daily grind too. And yeah, you can read two meanings into "daily grind" if you like, ya buncha perverts ... Anyway, one of the things I love about my k is that she's a great person all-around: funny, exuberant, brilliant, witty, sensual, devoted, caring. (The list of adjectives goes on and on, but those are a few of the highlights.) I'd truly love to spend time with her in the real world, even just to hang out and be silly dorks together.
Something that I've enjoyed a lot since we've become a couple is how fluid and easy it is to transition from talking about our days or helping each other with work or playing a game online, into this sort of "flirting zone," and then sometimes back into quotidian stuff or sometimes into a scene. Those smooth transitions are just so sweet and delicate and natural, like a leaf being pulled by gravity and fluttering down to rest. And I think that I'm wanting that experience in real life, which honestly I haven't had in a decade or so now. To be doing something boring and everyday, but to have the atmosphere charged with energy. To know that with the right turn of phrase or a well-placed hand, I could alter the meaning of everything. And to know that she has the same ability. It's that potential for intimacy that I've been longing for with k.
So yes, I know to a large extent this is a function of our inability to spend online time together lately (and for a few more weeks). Once we're able to be close again all the time, these daydream fantasies will recede a little (though they'll never go away - I've been having them to one degree or another almost since I met her). Truly, I'm just so thankful to have her in my life at all - I really need to focus on the positives here.
Meanwhile, we had another phone conversation today. Our third, if you don't count the couple of times I was actively trying to make her cum for me over the phone lol. And, while I can still hear the addictive bright pitch of tension in her voice, it's getting more relaxed. It was the first time in a long time that she and I were able to actually have a conversation. Only for a few minutes, really, but it was such a rush and such a relief at the same time. Took the sharpest edge off my thirst for her, I guess. Man do I still need her though. So much that it's difficult to breathe from time to time.
I'm not sure if I'll post again here before the holidays start, so merry christmas, happy hanukkah, happy kwanzaa, happy new year, joyous solstice, etc., etc., to anyone and everyone reading! enjoy the season.
I can't imagine a future where k and I have a r/l relationship. Hang on, let me put that better: I can imagine it, and do so with increasing frequency and in great vivid detail. But I can't imagine that a situation would arise when it would be prudent or even possible. I've known all along, and you can even search back into early blog posts here to see, that k and I have an incredible, wondrous, beautiful, constantly-amazing relationship online (and now on the phone sometimes), and she is an integral part of my daily life, but: we are not going to be arguing over what color couch to buy or who left the cap off the toothpaste any time soon.
In a way, that's a shame. I know that this is supposed to be what's so nice about online relationships - all the good fun stuff and none of the daily grind - but I guess part of me craves the daily grind too. And yeah, you can read two meanings into "daily grind" if you like, ya buncha perverts ... Anyway, one of the things I love about my k is that she's a great person all-around: funny, exuberant, brilliant, witty, sensual, devoted, caring. (The list of adjectives goes on and on, but those are a few of the highlights.) I'd truly love to spend time with her in the real world, even just to hang out and be silly dorks together.
Something that I've enjoyed a lot since we've become a couple is how fluid and easy it is to transition from talking about our days or helping each other with work or playing a game online, into this sort of "flirting zone," and then sometimes back into quotidian stuff or sometimes into a scene. Those smooth transitions are just so sweet and delicate and natural, like a leaf being pulled by gravity and fluttering down to rest. And I think that I'm wanting that experience in real life, which honestly I haven't had in a decade or so now. To be doing something boring and everyday, but to have the atmosphere charged with energy. To know that with the right turn of phrase or a well-placed hand, I could alter the meaning of everything. And to know that she has the same ability. It's that potential for intimacy that I've been longing for with k.
So yes, I know to a large extent this is a function of our inability to spend online time together lately (and for a few more weeks). Once we're able to be close again all the time, these daydream fantasies will recede a little (though they'll never go away - I've been having them to one degree or another almost since I met her). Truly, I'm just so thankful to have her in my life at all - I really need to focus on the positives here.
Meanwhile, we had another phone conversation today. Our third, if you don't count the couple of times I was actively trying to make her cum for me over the phone lol. And, while I can still hear the addictive bright pitch of tension in her voice, it's getting more relaxed. It was the first time in a long time that she and I were able to actually have a conversation. Only for a few minutes, really, but it was such a rush and such a relief at the same time. Took the sharpest edge off my thirst for her, I guess. Man do I still need her though. So much that it's difficult to breathe from time to time.
I'm not sure if I'll post again here before the holidays start, so merry christmas, happy hanukkah, happy kwanzaa, happy new year, joyous solstice, etc., etc., to anyone and everyone reading! enjoy the season.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
dualism
Well I don't know about you all, but this blog has gotten way more interesting to me in the last couple days, what with k starting to post and all. I've actually learned some stuff about her that I hadn't known, thanks to the miracle of the blog-world, I guess. Well really it's more like viewpoints and glosses on things that I hadn't heard from her before, but who knows where it might all lead?
I mentioned before that k and I are in a sort of holding pattern for the next month, with our chances of getting to chat in IM very limited. So it's been lots of text messaging and voice mails and all, and now I guess the blog is coming into play too. It makes a nice addition, I think. Easier to get reflective and philosophical here than in a regular email.
I have no idea if there's anyone out there reading this blog at all, and I guess in the end I don't care all that much, but don't you all think it's more fun to read now?
In other news: a couple nights ago, we had what might have been the hottest text-message "conversation" ever. Yeah, it's pretty tough to really get going when you have to fight thumb-cramps and only type 120 ascii-characters at a time and then sit and wait for 3 or 4 minutes till the next message comes. But we managed to make each other super-horny, and that made me feel real good.
It reminded me that k and I have long and real history of cybersex together. We know what to say to turn each other on. We have memories and imaginative 'spaces' we've constructed together over the years to fall back on. So it's not always just the continuous flow of words (a la IM) that's arousing, but also my knowledge of that person on the other end of the computer or phone. I know her, and the idea of who she is turns me on to no end.
I'm proud to say that I must have done a decent job with my text messages, because my girl went and came for me, then texted back about how wet she was and how good it felt. I imagined her carefully trying to push the phone buttons without getting them too sticky, and I imagined the ringing sigh that's always in her voice as she catches her breath afterwards. It was a nice night, and a fun activity to engage in when sick ;)
I mentioned before that k and I are in a sort of holding pattern for the next month, with our chances of getting to chat in IM very limited. So it's been lots of text messaging and voice mails and all, and now I guess the blog is coming into play too. It makes a nice addition, I think. Easier to get reflective and philosophical here than in a regular email.
I have no idea if there's anyone out there reading this blog at all, and I guess in the end I don't care all that much, but don't you all think it's more fun to read now?
In other news: a couple nights ago, we had what might have been the hottest text-message "conversation" ever. Yeah, it's pretty tough to really get going when you have to fight thumb-cramps and only type 120 ascii-characters at a time and then sit and wait for 3 or 4 minutes till the next message comes. But we managed to make each other super-horny, and that made me feel real good.
It reminded me that k and I have long and real history of cybersex together. We know what to say to turn each other on. We have memories and imaginative 'spaces' we've constructed together over the years to fall back on. So it's not always just the continuous flow of words (a la IM) that's arousing, but also my knowledge of that person on the other end of the computer or phone. I know her, and the idea of who she is turns me on to no end.
I'm proud to say that I must have done a decent job with my text messages, because my girl went and came for me, then texted back about how wet she was and how good it felt. I imagined her carefully trying to push the phone buttons without getting them too sticky, and I imagined the ringing sigh that's always in her voice as she catches her breath afterwards. It was a nice night, and a fun activity to engage in when sick ;)
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
a look into the past
Hi folks, k again. Well Irch is feeling better, so yay for that.
He also seemed to enjoy my hijacking the blog yesterday so i thought it'd be a good time to do it again. And just elaborate a bit more on some of my entry.
As i mentioned previously, i was collared once before. To a friend, we'll call him Richard. I met Richard a few months before i'd met Irch and we formed a fast friendship. We both lived in the same state, he was nice and soft spoke and just very similar to me. He was sweet, kind, and easy to talk to. In general he was just so much different than everyone else in the room. He really was such a dork, but in a sweet way. I can't say now what first really started drawing me to him, perhaps that he was nothing if not persistent.
When he asked me if i would wear his collar, it was very out of the blue for me. I knew we had been forming a budding friendship and i loved spending time with him, but i hadn't really ever thought about our relationship going past that up until that point. Though thinking about it then, it didn't seem like a bad idea. i loved being with him, he was so very nice.
Really, if you don't know this yet, i am a big dork. I really just have a fascination with the whole collaring ideal. It's true i wanted a cliche and really i think i just overlooked alot of the facts on order to get that when i accepted the collar.
Soon after accepting Richard's collar things started changing between us. He became much more ... i don't know what the right word really is, but he was just alot different. Slowly the very sweet and soft spoke man i'd grown to love became demanding, rude, and just a bit mean. It was slow and not quite so obvious but looking back on that i can really see it.
And then it was over, he stopped talking to me, he didn't respond to my emails, and when i came into chat and he was there he would leave or pretend like nothing was wrong. It was very surreal and then there i was alone once more and very hurt and confused.
That is the thing about being involved with someone online, it's so easy for them to just simply disappear and never talk to you again. Like everything you had just never even existed. And that's a harsh reality that you have to accept when you do decide to get involved online. I remember one of the first things that Irch ever said to me was either one of us could be someone completely different than what we said, people do it all the time, for all i knew i could have been talking to an 80 year old fat man and so could he. But that's just one of those things you have to know.
Irch was there for me throughout my relationship with Richard, he was such a good friend to me, even celebrating with me when i told him about the collar. And he remained a goof friend during the course of the relationship. And when Richard disappeared from my life Irch was there still, he was there to help me through if i needed it, he was a shoulder for me to cry on and an ear for me to vent to. There is nothing that i appreciate more than that.
Irch really is just a wonderful man and i am so happy to belong to him, he is everything i was chasing back then and everything i want now. i love that he wants me and is constantly reminding me of that. He is so wonderful and really i am the luckiest gal around.
He also seemed to enjoy my hijacking the blog yesterday so i thought it'd be a good time to do it again. And just elaborate a bit more on some of my entry.
As i mentioned previously, i was collared once before. To a friend, we'll call him Richard. I met Richard a few months before i'd met Irch and we formed a fast friendship. We both lived in the same state, he was nice and soft spoke and just very similar to me. He was sweet, kind, and easy to talk to. In general he was just so much different than everyone else in the room. He really was such a dork, but in a sweet way. I can't say now what first really started drawing me to him, perhaps that he was nothing if not persistent.
When he asked me if i would wear his collar, it was very out of the blue for me. I knew we had been forming a budding friendship and i loved spending time with him, but i hadn't really ever thought about our relationship going past that up until that point. Though thinking about it then, it didn't seem like a bad idea. i loved being with him, he was so very nice.
Really, if you don't know this yet, i am a big dork. I really just have a fascination with the whole collaring ideal. It's true i wanted a cliche and really i think i just overlooked alot of the facts on order to get that when i accepted the collar.
Soon after accepting Richard's collar things started changing between us. He became much more ... i don't know what the right word really is, but he was just alot different. Slowly the very sweet and soft spoke man i'd grown to love became demanding, rude, and just a bit mean. It was slow and not quite so obvious but looking back on that i can really see it.
And then it was over, he stopped talking to me, he didn't respond to my emails, and when i came into chat and he was there he would leave or pretend like nothing was wrong. It was very surreal and then there i was alone once more and very hurt and confused.
That is the thing about being involved with someone online, it's so easy for them to just simply disappear and never talk to you again. Like everything you had just never even existed. And that's a harsh reality that you have to accept when you do decide to get involved online. I remember one of the first things that Irch ever said to me was either one of us could be someone completely different than what we said, people do it all the time, for all i knew i could have been talking to an 80 year old fat man and so could he. But that's just one of those things you have to know.
Irch was there for me throughout my relationship with Richard, he was such a good friend to me, even celebrating with me when i told him about the collar. And he remained a goof friend during the course of the relationship. And when Richard disappeared from my life Irch was there still, he was there to help me through if i needed it, he was a shoulder for me to cry on and an ear for me to vent to. There is nothing that i appreciate more than that.
Irch really is just a wonderful man and i am so happy to belong to him, he is everything i was chasing back then and everything i want now. i love that he wants me and is constantly reminding me of that. He is so wonderful and really i am the luckiest gal around.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
A little out of the ordinary
Hi folks, k here ... i'm hijacking my wonderful Irch's journal for the afternoon to say a few things.
My poor Master has been ill for the past few days and let me tell you folks that's just not fun, for either of us. So while he's finishing being ill i've decided to take this time to share a little bit about Him, since he's been oversharing about myself for sometime now.
I've known Irch for sometime now, several years infact. I remember the first time i met him, under rather unusual circumstances. But we'll leave that out for now. He'd been someone i'd been admiring for a while, though i hadn't yet worked up the nerver to actually talk to him.
So how nice was it to hear that he'd been watching me too.
I was enjoying my time in the chatrooms, though it was getting to be a little trite. I don't know if Irch noticed this or not about chatrooms, but for a girl, especially a submissive, it's all about trying to hide from trolls. It just was a hassel anytime i wanted to go into a chatroom to enjoy sometime with my friends. As i'm sure many other subs know.
So around the time i met Irch, i made friends with a rather nice Dom. Irch and i made fast friends, not only did he not press me like many of the other "doms" in the room but he was just so easy to talk to so during our blossoming friendship, i was asked by a friend to be collared. He was a wonderful friend and really deep down that was something i really wanted, no matter how cliche. So i accepted partly because i loved him, partly because i thought he loved me, partly because i wanted to be left alone, and partly to fulfill a fantasy of mine.
As i'm sure we all know, that dissolved a few months down the line. Through everything though Irch has been a wonderful friend, we've had our own up and downs but he's always been there when i've needed him. And that's one thing i treasure most about him - i know we will always be friends.
It's so wonderful that our relationship now has grown out of our friendship. It may have taken us years to get here, up and down lots of winding roads and through some hard times. But after everything there is no one else i would rather belong to right now. There is no one else i would rather call mine and there is no one else i would rather have for a friend.
Irch is my friend, my lover, my Master.
My poor Master has been ill for the past few days and let me tell you folks that's just not fun, for either of us. So while he's finishing being ill i've decided to take this time to share a little bit about Him, since he's been oversharing about myself for sometime now.
I've known Irch for sometime now, several years infact. I remember the first time i met him, under rather unusual circumstances. But we'll leave that out for now. He'd been someone i'd been admiring for a while, though i hadn't yet worked up the nerver to actually talk to him.
So how nice was it to hear that he'd been watching me too.
I was enjoying my time in the chatrooms, though it was getting to be a little trite. I don't know if Irch noticed this or not about chatrooms, but for a girl, especially a submissive, it's all about trying to hide from trolls. It just was a hassel anytime i wanted to go into a chatroom to enjoy sometime with my friends. As i'm sure many other subs know.
So around the time i met Irch, i made friends with a rather nice Dom. Irch and i made fast friends, not only did he not press me like many of the other "doms" in the room but he was just so easy to talk to so during our blossoming friendship, i was asked by a friend to be collared. He was a wonderful friend and really deep down that was something i really wanted, no matter how cliche. So i accepted partly because i loved him, partly because i thought he loved me, partly because i wanted to be left alone, and partly to fulfill a fantasy of mine.
As i'm sure we all know, that dissolved a few months down the line. Through everything though Irch has been a wonderful friend, we've had our own up and downs but he's always been there when i've needed him. And that's one thing i treasure most about him - i know we will always be friends.
It's so wonderful that our relationship now has grown out of our friendship. It may have taken us years to get here, up and down lots of winding roads and through some hard times. But after everything there is no one else i would rather belong to right now. There is no one else i would rather call mine and there is no one else i would rather have for a friend.
Irch is my friend, my lover, my Master.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
I be illin'
It seems I am sick. Feverish and nasty from head to toe. So why is it that I am so horny and in need of my k's sweet submission?
Usually, feeling ill just saps my libido, but today I'm craving my girl, despite all the unwanted nonsense my body is up to. I wonder if maybe this has something to do with the fact that our relationship isn't the usual physical kind (though it sure feels like it most of the time), so physical limitations aren't in play the same way. So technically I could be the same ever-so-suave casanova I always am, even if I'm coughing up a lung over here.
Or maybe it's just a power thing - feeling weak makes me want to reach out to k and be in control of her.
Or maybe it's that weird dissociative feeling I get when I'm sick - feeling half-disconnected from reality. And I need a human connection to fix that.
Or maybe I'm just an insatiably randy bastard...
Usually, feeling ill just saps my libido, but today I'm craving my girl, despite all the unwanted nonsense my body is up to. I wonder if maybe this has something to do with the fact that our relationship isn't the usual physical kind (though it sure feels like it most of the time), so physical limitations aren't in play the same way. So technically I could be the same ever-so-suave casanova I always am, even if I'm coughing up a lung over here.
Or maybe it's just a power thing - feeling weak makes me want to reach out to k and be in control of her.
Or maybe it's that weird dissociative feeling I get when I'm sick - feeling half-disconnected from reality. And I need a human connection to fix that.
Or maybe I'm just an insatiably randy bastard...
Thursday, December 08, 2005
half a week of bliss
Alright, what's the big old grin on my face about, you ask? Well I've been riding high on k the last few days. No, we haven't been able to spend as much time together as we'd like, but at least we've had some time. And we've made some very nice use of it
The other day we actually had quite a few hours back-to-back to spend together, and they were pretty much full of one rip-roaring smoking-hot scene. The kind where, even now a few days later, thinking back on it makes you go "gah" and get all glassy-eyed and breathe funny. It was long and intense and multi-staged and just real good.
There was one part that bugged me a little afterwards, though, and it's a result of this blending of friendship and love and D/s that I keep nattering on and on about, and more generally a result of how r/l and o/l life have overlapped to a larger degree than ever before for me. During our scene, I was struck by a need to punish her. I wanted to assert my dominance and wanted her to experience the searing pleasure/pain in a hard spanking and harsh words. And more than that, I wanted it to be deserved - for her to know that her behavior got her into trouble and that I was correcting that.
The problem: k has been just wonderful and deliciously submissive and altogether acquiescent to my wishes. Ergo, nothing to punish her for.
Yeah you see my problem?
So I ended up sort of grasping at straws and picking out some minor "infraction" that I really didn't care about, and working it up into a big deal to keep the scene going the way I wanted it to. Now a year ago that would have sufficed and been exactly what I wanted. (Actually a year ago, k wasn't mine, and the idea of punishing someone who is mine to punish - and correct and nurture and mold and encourage and all that - that's what's hot about it. So I guess a year ago it wouldn't have happened.) Anyhow, now that I've experienced the thrill of intertwined D/s and love, I'm not completely content with scenes that aren't working both sides of that equation to some degree.
And that's not to say that I want my k to misbehave on purpose just to get punished or something. That would also take things outside the frame of our real relationship. Probably I need to figure out what it was that prompted me to want to punish her in the first place that day, outside of the fact that I knew we'd both really enjoy it. To paraphrase method actors everywhere: "what's my motivation, man?"
So what happened was, after the scene was over and I'd turned this all around in my mind a bit, I told k that I really didn't think the supposed subject of her punishment was a big deal (which of course she knew), and that the punishment I had meted out was purely instructive - so that she would know what's in store for her if she ever stepped outside the boundaries that we've been constructing bit by bit.
Yep. Lame, I know. But best I could do.
And I don't want to make it sound like it ruined the whole scene for me or anything. On the contrary, it was just awesome all the way through, and one of my cherished memories with her already. If it hadn't been for that one little nagging detail it might have been the most intense ever. And the nagging detail really didn't present itself as a problem till afterwards anyway. During the scene, I felt pretty justified. Unlike some Doms, I really don't get off on the power trip of arbitrary punishment. If it's deserved, great. If we mutually decide that a spanking would be fun for all involved, also great. Me saying "I own you and therefore will inflict pain on you whenever I feel like it," not so great. Because it's not the pain that gets my toes curling, it's the mindfuck of it all. It's her willing submission and the idea that I'm guiding her sensory experiences with her complete trust. Underneath it all, it's the sense that her pleasure is the ultimate outcome, and that I'm responsible for it, that floats my boat. Nothing against Dom/mes who hurt just for the sake of hurting of course, just not my thing.
So have I over-analyzed that enough yet?
OK well after that we had some time over the next day and a half to send some fun emails and text message and all, then yesterday we ended up having a very curtailed amount of time together. I mean like less than an hour, all due to my crazy schedule as usual.
So I wasn't really planning to start anything, since k was on a deadline and didn't need an unfinished scene keeping her sexually frustrated on top of that. But one thing led to another, and we ended up having our second round of phone sex. And it was as scrumptious as the first. *giant smile*
In some way I think the time pressure added to the intensity, so that was fun. Another fun thing was that, unlike last time, we talked just a tiny bit as we were easing into the scene, so I got to hear her go from her normal everyday speaking voice (though yes, it had that lovely pitch of tension in it that communicated her nervousness and horniness) to her gasping and moaning. So yes, that was quite excellent, as you can imagine. The voice that leaves me voicemails about her car-repair woes morphed into the voice that leaves me voice-mails that are essentially a record of an orgasm. It's always great to be reminded that those voices are really the same and belong to one person. (I'm reminded of this daily in text form, of course, but as I've mentioned before, there's something more physical about the voice.)
And also I was feely cocky and went ahead and tried some baby steps towards making it a little more interactive. I still did the vast majority of the talking, but a couple of times I asked her simple one-word-answer questions, and she managed to squeak out answers. Mmm that was quite a rush too.
Goes without saying that hearing her cum for me, just for me, because I took her there and because I reached into her with my voice and opened the tangled bundle of tension and let it explode, hearing her cum and then tell me she loves me ... yeah that's just never going to get old. Wow.
And I repeat: Wow.
So yeah it's been a real nice half-week here, all things considered. We're going to have a long dry spell coming up, with very limited chances to communicate till mid-January, so it was sure nice to have that time. But I'm hoping at the end of that, we'll have lots more regular "meetings" and time to indulge our lusts and love.
The other day we actually had quite a few hours back-to-back to spend together, and they were pretty much full of one rip-roaring smoking-hot scene. The kind where, even now a few days later, thinking back on it makes you go "gah" and get all glassy-eyed and breathe funny. It was long and intense and multi-staged and just real good.
There was one part that bugged me a little afterwards, though, and it's a result of this blending of friendship and love and D/s that I keep nattering on and on about, and more generally a result of how r/l and o/l life have overlapped to a larger degree than ever before for me. During our scene, I was struck by a need to punish her. I wanted to assert my dominance and wanted her to experience the searing pleasure/pain in a hard spanking and harsh words. And more than that, I wanted it to be deserved - for her to know that her behavior got her into trouble and that I was correcting that.
The problem: k has been just wonderful and deliciously submissive and altogether acquiescent to my wishes. Ergo, nothing to punish her for.
Yeah you see my problem?
So I ended up sort of grasping at straws and picking out some minor "infraction" that I really didn't care about, and working it up into a big deal to keep the scene going the way I wanted it to. Now a year ago that would have sufficed and been exactly what I wanted. (Actually a year ago, k wasn't mine, and the idea of punishing someone who is mine to punish - and correct and nurture and mold and encourage and all that - that's what's hot about it. So I guess a year ago it wouldn't have happened.) Anyhow, now that I've experienced the thrill of intertwined D/s and love, I'm not completely content with scenes that aren't working both sides of that equation to some degree.
And that's not to say that I want my k to misbehave on purpose just to get punished or something. That would also take things outside the frame of our real relationship. Probably I need to figure out what it was that prompted me to want to punish her in the first place that day, outside of the fact that I knew we'd both really enjoy it. To paraphrase method actors everywhere: "what's my motivation, man?"
So what happened was, after the scene was over and I'd turned this all around in my mind a bit, I told k that I really didn't think the supposed subject of her punishment was a big deal (which of course she knew), and that the punishment I had meted out was purely instructive - so that she would know what's in store for her if she ever stepped outside the boundaries that we've been constructing bit by bit.
Yep. Lame, I know. But best I could do.
And I don't want to make it sound like it ruined the whole scene for me or anything. On the contrary, it was just awesome all the way through, and one of my cherished memories with her already. If it hadn't been for that one little nagging detail it might have been the most intense ever. And the nagging detail really didn't present itself as a problem till afterwards anyway. During the scene, I felt pretty justified. Unlike some Doms, I really don't get off on the power trip of arbitrary punishment. If it's deserved, great. If we mutually decide that a spanking would be fun for all involved, also great. Me saying "I own you and therefore will inflict pain on you whenever I feel like it," not so great. Because it's not the pain that gets my toes curling, it's the mindfuck of it all. It's her willing submission and the idea that I'm guiding her sensory experiences with her complete trust. Underneath it all, it's the sense that her pleasure is the ultimate outcome, and that I'm responsible for it, that floats my boat. Nothing against Dom/mes who hurt just for the sake of hurting of course, just not my thing.
So have I over-analyzed that enough yet?
OK well after that we had some time over the next day and a half to send some fun emails and text message and all, then yesterday we ended up having a very curtailed amount of time together. I mean like less than an hour, all due to my crazy schedule as usual.
So I wasn't really planning to start anything, since k was on a deadline and didn't need an unfinished scene keeping her sexually frustrated on top of that. But one thing led to another, and we ended up having our second round of phone sex. And it was as scrumptious as the first. *giant smile*
In some way I think the time pressure added to the intensity, so that was fun. Another fun thing was that, unlike last time, we talked just a tiny bit as we were easing into the scene, so I got to hear her go from her normal everyday speaking voice (though yes, it had that lovely pitch of tension in it that communicated her nervousness and horniness) to her gasping and moaning. So yes, that was quite excellent, as you can imagine. The voice that leaves me voicemails about her car-repair woes morphed into the voice that leaves me voice-mails that are essentially a record of an orgasm. It's always great to be reminded that those voices are really the same and belong to one person. (I'm reminded of this daily in text form, of course, but as I've mentioned before, there's something more physical about the voice.)
And also I was feely cocky and went ahead and tried some baby steps towards making it a little more interactive. I still did the vast majority of the talking, but a couple of times I asked her simple one-word-answer questions, and she managed to squeak out answers. Mmm that was quite a rush too.
Goes without saying that hearing her cum for me, just for me, because I took her there and because I reached into her with my voice and opened the tangled bundle of tension and let it explode, hearing her cum and then tell me she loves me ... yeah that's just never going to get old. Wow.
And I repeat: Wow.
So yeah it's been a real nice half-week here, all things considered. We're going to have a long dry spell coming up, with very limited chances to communicate till mid-January, so it was sure nice to have that time. But I'm hoping at the end of that, we'll have lots more regular "meetings" and time to indulge our lusts and love.
Monday, December 05, 2005
And here I was sure I'd get Bogart...
So I'm a little upset that I'm not Humphrey, and what's up with that low "charming" score eh? I got so much fucking charm it's dripping out of my ears...
Meanwhile, yeah I guess a Dom sure could do worse than being compared with John Wayne ;)
Meanwhile, yeah I guess a Dom sure could do worse than being compared with John Wayne ;)
| John Wayne You scored 71% Tough, 14% Roguish, 4% Friendly, and 9% Charming! |
You, my friend, are a man's man, the original true grit, one tough talking, swaggering son of a bitch. You're not a bad guy, on the contrary, you're the ultimate good guy, but you're one tough character, rough and tumble, ready for anything. You call the shots and go your own way, and if some screwy dame is willing to accept your terms, that's just fine by you. Otherwise, you'll just hit the open trail and stay true to yourself. You stand up for what you believe and can handle any situation, usually by rushing into the thick of the action. You're not polished and you're not overly warm, but you're a straight shooter and a real stand up guy. Co-stars include Lauren Bacall and Maureen O'Hara, tough broads who can take care of themselves. |
 |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The Classic Leading Man Test written by gidgetgoes on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Correct as Usual
So lately my k has been very hard at work, and one of the main things she has to do in her work is write. In the past (pre-collar days), she'd been a little shy about the work stuff she wrote, but once in a while I'd get to read something that she was proud of and thought was polished. I've always loved this, of course. Any time I get a glimpse into her r/l it's a good thing. Plus she's a really great writer, no matter if she's writing smut or not, and even stuff that you might think of as dry comes to life with her pen. Of course, I'm also just filled with wonderment every time I have the opportunity to see her amazing mind at work explaining or arguing something on the page. To think that the woman who wrote this brilliant piece also thinks that I'm an alright guy to trust and submit to - that's pretty damn flattering.
Anyhow, in recent weeks I've been lucky enough to be involved with some of her writing before it's at the final stage, which is even more stimulating for me. Beyond that, I think that once in a while I may have actually helped a little! (Us Doms, and men in general, really like to feel useful.) Basically I've been proofreading, which is something I'm decent at, but the side benefit is that I get to see her ideas forming and solidifying over the course of a few drafts, which is way cool. In addition, I get to feel like I'm more a part of her day-to-day life, also way cool.
The interesting part for me has been realizing how much the Dom aspect of my personality infects everything I do, especially when it comes to k. Generally it's not hard for me to just keep things on the "friend" level and suggest changes or fix minor problems of grammar or punctuation. But every once in a while I'll find myself wanting to make wholesale big changes or (even worse) actually argue points with her. Now even though this all occurs on a friendly kind of level, and I certainly don't mean anything bad by it (really all it means is that I find her writing provocative and I'm intellectually engaged by it), I recognize that I need to tamp that down and get a grip.
For the most part, I'm able to overcome these responses, though a little of it sneaks through now and then I'm sure. The interesting thing is that a few months ago I wouldn't have had any trouble keeping that under control. Nowadays, the Dom attitude in me is really right at the surface (and, not to sound like a broken record, but it's intertwined with everything else too). So the temptation is great to "correct" things which are in no way wrong, but I want to bring into alignment with my own way of thinking.
I am a total egomaniac, apparently. My view of how the world works is the only one and she will share that view or suffer the consequences! *visions of a harsh spanking, folllowed by k sobbing "yes Master, you're right, I overextended that metaphor..."*
OK, perhaps overstating just a little.
But it's funny that there's a little Dommish bump there on the otherwise smooth landscape of doing simple proofreading. I feel the bump, and it's really no effort to overcome, but at the same time I sort of treasure it being there, because it's inexorably linked to k, my love for her, my domination of her. And I don't see the bump growing to a real obstacle, nor do I see it disappearing any time soon. It's a nice little bump.
Anyhow, in recent weeks I've been lucky enough to be involved with some of her writing before it's at the final stage, which is even more stimulating for me. Beyond that, I think that once in a while I may have actually helped a little! (Us Doms, and men in general, really like to feel useful.) Basically I've been proofreading, which is something I'm decent at, but the side benefit is that I get to see her ideas forming and solidifying over the course of a few drafts, which is way cool. In addition, I get to feel like I'm more a part of her day-to-day life, also way cool.
The interesting part for me has been realizing how much the Dom aspect of my personality infects everything I do, especially when it comes to k. Generally it's not hard for me to just keep things on the "friend" level and suggest changes or fix minor problems of grammar or punctuation. But every once in a while I'll find myself wanting to make wholesale big changes or (even worse) actually argue points with her. Now even though this all occurs on a friendly kind of level, and I certainly don't mean anything bad by it (really all it means is that I find her writing provocative and I'm intellectually engaged by it), I recognize that I need to tamp that down and get a grip.
For the most part, I'm able to overcome these responses, though a little of it sneaks through now and then I'm sure. The interesting thing is that a few months ago I wouldn't have had any trouble keeping that under control. Nowadays, the Dom attitude in me is really right at the surface (and, not to sound like a broken record, but it's intertwined with everything else too). So the temptation is great to "correct" things which are in no way wrong, but I want to bring into alignment with my own way of thinking.
I am a total egomaniac, apparently. My view of how the world works is the only one and she will share that view or suffer the consequences! *visions of a harsh spanking, folllowed by k sobbing "yes Master, you're right, I overextended that metaphor..."*
OK, perhaps overstating just a little.
But it's funny that there's a little Dommish bump there on the otherwise smooth landscape of doing simple proofreading. I feel the bump, and it's really no effort to overcome, but at the same time I sort of treasure it being there, because it's inexorably linked to k, my love for her, my domination of her. And I don't see the bump growing to a real obstacle, nor do I see it disappearing any time soon. It's a nice little bump.
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