And now from a different angle

Well Irch asked me to make a response to the time we were able to spend together this past Friday - so here i am again. Be sure to read his view on the day too in the previous post.

It's been so hard for us to get our schedules in sync recently. The time we've had to be intimate with one another has been few and far between for the past few weeks. To generalize - it's driving me nuts.

Everything has been so intense between us. That connection i feel with Him is ever present now, He is always in my thoughts and I always feel that pull of ownership from Him in every little thing i do. To be without Him is just agony. I would not be able to survive if we didn't have the text messaging, emails, and phone right now. And all of those are just a fraction compared to actually "being" with Him and i'm constantly filled with this aching need to be with Him, and feel His ownership of my mind, my body, and soul.

So this past Friday we were able to be together for the first time in a while. It was so nice - so needed and so welcome. To be able to spend several hours with Him like that was just amazing in itself. But we were also able to slip easily into a scene as well.

It was so easy and so right. In the past we've had little hiccups right before we start anything like that, but Friday it was different. It was natural and right we moved easily from laughing and teasing and catching up on our days into that deep passion we share.

And i know we both say this every time but it was so amazing, i had almost forgotten the level of intensity that we're able to reach together. It's unlike anything i've ever experienced before. He is so perfect in His domination of me that i can't help but let myself be consumed by Him. It is so right and so natural and so perfect for us. It's the way it should be. There is just no way that i could not submit fully to Him when we're like that - it's not possible. And afterwards i am just full of Him, full of that feeling of knowing that i belong to Him completely.

I love that feeling, it is so amazing. Submission is a funny thing i think. It's so different for every one who experiences it and it's just so amazing that i've found someone who understands my type of submission and takes it so perfectly. I can so easily slip into Him when we're together, there isn't even a question of doing it anymore, like there may have been in the past. It's just the way we are. And it's so nice that we're able to be so free with that now, at this point in our relationship.

After our scene we spent the rest of the evening text messaging each other back and forth. Just teasing and playing and being goofy like we often are. I was so excited because just a few hours later we would get to be together again. He would be able to take me once again. Twice in one day is completely unheard of for us with our schedules so i was tingling at just the prospect.

To say that i was unhappy when i found out what had happened to His computer would be an understatement. I was distraught, upset, desperate ... and just ugh.

I'm addicted to this man, and to have a chance like that taken from me like that was devastating. I hated that we wouldn't get to be together again like we had planned. Yes we would still be able to text message and everything like we had been, but as nice as that is - it is no where close to actually being with Him.

So we continued messaging each other back and forth. I completed my little assignment for Irch and we continued on. It was so obvious how worked up we both were. And when He suggested that maybe He could call i immediately said yes. There was no hesitation in me at that moment.

Side track: I am such a shy person. We both are really so every time we've talked on the phone in the past it has been filled with little awkward pauses and shy laughter and just a general hesitation about the entire conversation. It's slowly leaving the more we talk, but there are still under currents of that in our conversations i think.

So as Irch has let you all know we decided to have our first real phone sex.

Wow ... Really that's the best i can come up with. In the past it's only been me coming. Irch whispering all sorts of sordid things into my ear and pushing me closer and closer to that edge and letting me fall over. And i'll let you know now those were great and amazing and wonderful. I love that, but this - this was a completely new experience. It's not all words and images, things are so much more animalistic and sensual. It just leaves you craving another taste another touch and just more.

I got to hear Him cum, do you know how amazing that is? I, a little shy girl who has never really considered herself anything special had made her Man cum. And it was explosive and i felt it reach all the way into my soul to hear Him cum like that. I had to just stop for a moment and just listen because wow, really just wow. I love knowing that i was a part of what made that happen, something about me caused that reaction in Him. And that my friends is amazing and just mmmm.

So i followed soon after, because as much as i just wanted to rejoice in the fact that I'd made my Man cum i couldn't hold back. Everything in me was just pushing me to the edge and telling me to jump off. There is something about coming with someone that is just so different from being alone. I'm not even sure what it is but knowing there is someone there who is listening to you, someone that you are listening to as well, it's just a whole new level to everything and so much more intense.

It was such and exciting and intense experience, and i was tingling for hours afterwards. My body was just humming with energy and desire. I so wanted to be taken again and again just like that, i wanted to make Him cum again and again. I wanted to use everything that i had in me to make Him cum again, and just take it all.

It was just a wonderful way to spend time with my Master, and i'm sure we'll be doing it again before long.

off the hook

Well my delicious k and I had a wonderful encounter on friday. We'd had a difficult week, in terms of finding times to be together, which is always very stressful and annoying. Less so because we have the phone and email and text-messaging, of course, but still I think we both consider chatting in IM to be our main mode of interaction, and due to our schedules, those times are getting farther between lately.

In any case, we had a delightful scene in IM on friday afternoon, our first chance in a long while to be together for a long multi-hour stretch. Wow, seems like every time we're finally able to get together, it's like some new world of pleasure, better than ever before. One of the best things about it for me was the easy and subtle ways that our usual chit-chat and playing around flowed in and out of the scene. Feels like real life more and more each time we play together. So it was one of those intense scenes that I tend to get lost in, and damned if it didn't seem like we were having some wild spiritual connection across the wires - her will subsumed by mine, my control and dominance enveloping her. Don't think I'll ever get used to the deepness of that, and how we can have that connection over a couple thousand miles.

So that was great, and I was excited to get online to chat with her again later in the evening, when disaster struck...

My computer's hard drive crashed.

Crashed hard.

It is now a black silicon-and-plastic doorstop.

I admit, it had been acting weird for a couple weeks, and I should have run some kind of diagnostic deal on it or something, but I figured I'm so responsible about having updated virus and firewall software, maybe I just needed to defragment the hard drive or something, and really it's no big deal and can wait.

*heaves a Domsigh*

So I'll be ordering a new computer soon, I think, since even reformatting and re-installing Windows from scratch does no good. ugh.

Anyway, back to our story -- We stayed in touch during the evening using text-messages, and k had a little assignment from me already that involved leaving me a voicemail message, so she did that. And it was obvious that we were both super-horny and needed some more of each other pretty badly. So we took the next logical step, and had our first for-real phone-sex.

And yeah, I'm here to tell ya ... that's some good stuff, that is. We've played on the phone before, but it was always me sort of talking through a scene with her while she sat quietly (well less and less quietly, to be honest) and then came for me. This was the first time that it was more like being in IM, because I made no secret of the fact that I was going to cum too.

It was different and thrilling and super-exciting - I'm not entirely sure in retrospect what exactly I said during our scene, because it all was moving by so quickly and my hormones were ringing in my ears. I know that k still didn't talk much, but her little gasps and moans and whimpers were like a symphony of pleasure to me. mmm can still hear them now, in fact. So very very hot.

I came first, and it was explosive and powerful, and I was probably still moaning and muttering about what a perfect subbie she is when she climaxed 10 or 20 seconds later. We did a little mutual panting and grunting and laughing together before we found words to speak again.

Afterwards, I told her how I was so ready to just take her again immediately following. And it was so true. k told me that she wished I had, because she was ready to go again right away too. So, we'll definitely have to keep that in mind for next time ;)

I wonder what it is about the phone that makes you crave more and more? It's so intimate and so much closer to real touch and presence. Time's not "stretched-out" like it often is in IM. It's less literary and more physical. In a way it's less thinking and more fucking. But I felt that same warm vibrating D/s intensity, the same flow of energy between us, the same deep and urgent need to own and guide and protect and use and control my k.

So I'm looking forward to some more of this. I think it'll do quite nicely while I'm shopping for a new computer. I've asked my lovely and tasty and brilliant k to write about the phone experience from her angle too, so you all can look forward to reading that here soon as well. And I have to admit I'm excited to see what she writes too ... then again, so far as I'm concerned, k is the very definition of excitement.

Literary Theory

So I've been reading this very nice novel called Arabian Nights and Days, by Naguib Mahfouz (not too into the whole hyperlink-to-Amazon thing, so I'll let you search for it yourself if you're interested - English translation quoted below is published by Anchor/Doubleday). Enjoying it quite a bit, and last night I came across this passage:

"He too was all the time wondering about the extraordinary dream which surpassed reality in its devasting effect ... Where [was] the world and everything in it? Nothing existed but that sparkling image, the sumptuous bedchamber, and the bed itself which was larger than the whole of his own bedroom. He had seen a vision of reality, had made real love, and here he was now loving in a way in comparison with which any actual love would be weak and feeble. Here he was suffering life's languor, its loneliness, its melancholy and everlasting sadness in being separated from her; it lingered in his nostrils. As for her whispered words, they repeated themselves with his every breath."

Yeah wow, good writing there dude. It's about a man obsessing over a very realistic dream he had about making love to a beautiful woman, but of course it really is a nice parallel to the way I feel about my k. I tend to think of the online/real-life duality as more of a shared reality, with lots of bleeding and blending from both sides and a nice enjoyably roomy gray area in the middle of true overlap. At least this is how I've been feeling the last months since making k mine. In the deeper past, I really kept online and r/l as quite separate entities in my mind. It really did feel more like a dream/reality dichotomy back then. These days, k and everything surrounding her are part and parcel of ordinary life, which of course is the most magical thing about it.

My online life with my lovely subbie may not be exactly a dream in the sense of the passage above, but she's certainly the girl of my dreams, nevertheless.

Dominatus Interruptus

Well an interesting thing happened last night. I had given my k a certain task to do (which was actually a sort of "replacement" assignment for something else, but that's another story...). But due to an unforeseeable r/l development, she was unable to complete it.

Now of course this sort of thing happens all the time, and when in an online relationship like ours, you have to get used to it. And it's not like similar unexpected interruptions don't happen to real-life couples as well. The difference is that there's sort of a lower "threshold" in online life, because, well, it's online. I don't know about other people, but I'm personally not yet at the point where I'll say to a friend or relative "oh I was chatting online with some of my chatroom friends," let alone say "I was in a heavy scene with my online subbie." It's just not something I'd think to bring up in a r/l conversation - requires too much explanation. Then again, I'm old. Maybe young folks feel more free about such things. So anyhow, I'd never dream of telling k that she had to hang up on a close friend who called her in the middle of the night to talk about important stuff, just so she could complete an assignment for me. If I were lying in bed naked with her in real life and her friend called, things might be different...

So back to the story. She told me later that, during her conversation with her r/l friend, her mind kept going back to me and how disappointed I'd be. Well, OK I guess I was slightly disappointed that I wasn't able to enjoy the result of her assignment, but I certainly wasn't disappointed in k herself! Real-life stuff is real-life stuff, and when it's important it takes priority - I'd never punish her or express displeasure with her for those reasons.

It made me feel a little guilty at first when she said that her mind kept flashing back to me when she was on the phone with her friend. But now that I've thought about it more, I don't feel bad about it. It's a natural thing, and really it's so flattering to know that I stay in her mind. *Chest swells with pride*

Even in little glitches like this, I find reasons to love my k more.

fabric of love

There seems to be something new between k and I. I've spent the last few days trying to figure out just what it is, but can't put my finger on it. Maybe that's partly because I haven't really "spent the last few days" thinking about it, because mostly I've been revelling in it, whatever the heck it is.

We had a couple of days where we were able to keep in touch from morning till night, either with IM or email or phone or text messaging, and it was like a dream come true to be with her that much. She's so enchanting and intoxicating when I get her in small doses, but all-day banter is another level of engagement entirely. Somehow in those couple of days, the little shadows that had been in my mind during our time apart all got blown away, and there's this new kind of ... geez it's tough to put a name to it. Sort of a scintillation, a heat, a depth. I feel like she's more truly Mine than ever before somehow.

It's not like there's been a qualitative change, more like an intensification to a degree I hadn't thought possible. Even when we're just chatting about silly daily stuff, I feel it. And it's more intrinsically tied to my domination of her than previously. I'm reaching into her r/l more, and doing so not just as a friend, but as her Dom. Asserting my dominance more. And I feel her submission sort of drawing this out from me in various ways, welcoming it. My need to control her is more overwhelming than ever.

I realize this is one of my more scattered and bizarre posts, and maybe I'll have a better handle on this in a few weeks. But whatever it is, it's a most amazing thing. Feel like I'm dancing every time I see k's name or have a passing thought of her. My dreams have been full of her. It's like I'm taking in her scent with every breath. Feels like we've woven this really strong fabric of friendship, love, and D/s, and now we're leaning on that fabric, testing it's resilience, and using it as the first step on a ladder to something new.

And yes, my k's slightly bratty behavior seems connected to this too. It's certainly not as bratty as the kinds of behavior I've seen in other subs. Pretty mild, really. But the fun part of it is that I'm so enjoying the tension in her -- I can see her inner struggle, between wanting to mouth off or act up for attention on the one hand, and desiring to be all demure and well-behaved for her Dom on the other. It's adorable, of course, and it's such a power-rush to see her caught between the two extremes, knowing how influential I am in her life.

We weren't able to spend much time in IM over the long holiday weekend, which was a major disappointment to both of us, but we've emerged from it stronger. I for one am ready to use that fabric I talked about as a springboard to jump into a stratosphere of mutual lust with her.

Rather Cheeky

Over the past week, things between Irch and i have been so intense. Every little thing just adds to that bond that we have and it's just been so amazing. Through all of this i have found out so much not only about Irch and our relationship together but also about myself. I feel myself actually aching to submit to him in new ways, and striving to keep from messing up in any way.

When i first discovered the land of BDSM and M/s and everything else that goes along with it i was instantly drawn it. It was like finding this completely new side of me that i'd never even seen before, that i'd never even considered before. So that in itself was amazing and just wow. Since accepting Irch's collar it's like that feeling all over again. I'm finding all new depths to myself that i never even knew existed before and this time it's all happening so naturally.

We fit together so easily even after knowing each other as friends for years before the collar. This just seems right now and everything is the way it's supposed to be between us finally.

One thing i've noticed this week in particular is rather new to me. While everything in our relationship has been intensifying and we're getting closer, i've discovered something completely new about myself which is a bit odd.

I'm a brat!

Ha! I'll bet that comes as a big shock to all of you, saying "oh sure but aren't all subs". Not true my friends. Generally i don't think i am at all (Irch may say differently) the only time i've ever purposefully bratted was in a chatroom and even then it's not very much. So how surprised was i when i did it today without thinking.

I sent Irch a bit of a bratty text message this afternoon, i'm pretty sure he hasn't read it yet or maybe he has, heh. But wow - after i sent it i stopped and thought "now where did that come from". And really it wasn't super bratty or anything like that, but i think it went way past any of my normal behavior. So i thought about it a bit today and came to a very funny realization.

I'd been a brat because i missed Irch. True we've gotten to be in contact for long periods over the past few days but i've missed actually getting to "talk" with him and spend time with him over these past few days as well. And yes it's just so text book and cliche but when i actually took the time to think about it i realized that yes i miss him like crazy and want to spend some real time with him.

So look at that, some bratty behavior is not just the result of a spoiled sub acting up to get attention. Sometimes it's the result of a spoiled sub acting up to get attention and ... wait. Heh, so maybe it's kind of the same thing but really it's totally different.

And so really there was no point to this post other than to let you all in on what a dork i can be.

the real deal

Well I haven't posted here in a couple days, mostly because my mind, heart, and body have been on nonstop sensory overload from being with my k so much. I can't even tell you what this woman means to me - there just aren't words in any language I know to capture a fraction of it.

And, though our time spent in IM hasn't been as much as either of us would like, there's been a nice phone call, several emails, and so many text messages that it would probably be more efficient for us to rent our own satellite. I really feel like I've spent the past few days with her, all day. She's an integral part of me, her beauty and her grace and her brilliance running through my veins, her sweet submission warming the marrow of my bones. It's beyond mere obsession - I love my girl with my whole being.

So it's not a surprise that all my daydreams about being with k in real-life have been running roughshod over anything else that might try to flit through my mind. Buy groceries? Bah. Perform work functions? Meh. Pay the cell phone bill? Oh, well yeah maybe that one...

Anyhow, I've been just delirious and drunk on her presence, and those fantasies I have about living with her and sharing daily life have been at the forefront of my mind a whole lot. They've become really focused last night and today on the idea of sex (surprise! I never ever talk about sex here, do I?). Specifically, I've been musing at length on what wild, astronomically-improbable set of circumstances might bring us into actual physical contact one day. And then about what the experience would be like - the latter being the true focal point, naturally.

It would be easy to jump to one side of the fence and say that r/l sex between k and I would be exactly like it is online, merely a physical manifestation of our usual interaction. But that's pretty naive, no? I mean, as real as our online scenes feel, we can easily gloss over all the "god stop that tickles" and the "ouch okay now that's way too hard" and, worst of all the "wait-don't-move ... uhhhh ... ahhh ... um sorry." The natural sexual rhythm we've developed over a couple years of playing online isn't going to be precisely the same as the rhythm we would achieve in real life, and likely it would take quite some time to find it (not that we wouldn't have fun trying!).

Also, we've primarily reacted to sexual signals from each other in verbal form (and recently some auditory stimuli as well, though that's still pretty new). It feels so real, and has the same intimacy and meaning to us, but interpreting each other's needs and desires and emotions in other ways would certainly be different. I swear I can truly taste and feel and smell her in cyber when we get lost in our scenes, but the real k right there with me - that's bound to change the dynamics in so many ways. And let's not forget that the two of us are pretty shy people on the whole.

So let me hop over to the other side of the fence and say that really the r/l experience of sex between us would be completely new and not really connected to our online play. Well, there are a lot of problems with that too. At the most basic level: we know each other's likes and dislikes in bed and in D/s for the most part. I know what k is comfortable with, what she's curious to experiment with, and what things are beyond her. We have a common "vocabulary" of actions and responses and ideas and situations that we know turn us both on and manifest our relationship (this is a fancy version of k's saying we can "push each other's buttons").

But it goes far beyond that, and here's where my thinking takes a turn. I own k - I'm her Dom. I love k and she loves me back. Our love is strong, abiding, and pure, but it's also a worldly thing. It's not an abstraction, nor a love to be read about in a Petrarchian sonnet. It's a love that suffuses everyday life and encompasses our faults as well as our assets. Because of this, I know that any r/l sex we had would be an expression of passionate love - in that sense, it would be the same as scening online.

And in my mind, if you take that last bit as important, which I certainly do, all the rest of the arguments really just drop away into irrelevance. I hunger for the physical intimacy of r/l, and it would open up new emotional spaces to be sure, but the fundamental nature of our relationship would be hovering in the background the whole time, coloring everything, and that would never change except to grow stronger. k is loved, she's treasured, she's mine.

And it's not like there would be olympic judges on the sidelines holding up scorecards, right? (that's not exactly on my top 10 list of fantasies). Sex between us would be sex between us, and how could it not be an amazing thing, when everything else has been steadfastly amazing?