Thursday, April 03, 2008

from the other side

you know one of the hardest things about this whole fucked up situation, is not only did i lose the person that i love the most in the world, but i've also lost my best friend. so when i was dumped, i didn't have the person i wanted to turn to there to help me through it, because oh wait ... he's the one who dumped me.

i know this is immature and bitter and spiteful, but after weeks of feeling like shit, and crying myself to sleep, or just not sleeping at all - i'm a bit beyond caring.

i hate that he didn't give me a chance, he didn't let me try and help or fix things, it was so out of the blue that i'm still left spinning, days and weeks later.

i'm trying to move on, to put the broken pieces of my life and heart back together, but it's a slow tedious process, and i'm finding that just when i think things are coming together again, in some sort of shaky new ground, i end up right on my ass again.

and even now, after all the crying and hurt and doubts, if he just asked i'd take him back - i just want him to want me like i want him, i want him with all the hurt and selfishness and doubt, i just want him.

i just needed to say that tonight, to get that out because i don't have anyone else to tell.

10 comments:

Unknown said...

I'm so sorry, k. I really don't know what to say, except that I'm sorry it didn't work out. Being rejected is a particularly cruel torment and the most excruciating of pains. I'm tempted to draw parallels to an online situation I was once in, but there's no point... it just fucking hurts any way you look at it. Have a cyberhug and I wish you all the future happiness in the world. You deserve it.

orchidea xxx

Anonymous said...

I really feel for you guys. I'm glad you got it out on this blog at least, it's always better that people know how we're feeling. Not knowing anything about the situation I am just so surprised that such strong love couldn't make it work. I don't understand why. I hope some of the pain goes away soon k. xxxxxxx
milla.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. I'm in pretty much the same situation. Promises made and you believe them so wholeheartedly and then they are broken, cruelly and with no warning or explanation. Your foundation, the one you thought would always be there gone. It hurts, sometimes it feels like it is beyond bearing. I wish I had magic words to help you through this, really I do. Just know that you're not alone and others are trying and crying too.

So many hugs,

Another k.

Votary said...

k, you know that I understand as well. And I know that from what I can tell, Irch is a good man, and I know that makes it even harder for you when you have lost him... twice. I guess if I were you, I'd be asking myself what would make things different this time. I'd be asking myself what he could do to make me feel safe again, safe enough to re-devote myself in the vulnerable way that D/s requires. Is there any grand gesture that could be enough? I honestly hope for both of you that the answer to that question is yes, and I hope that Irch can do it.

It's hell, I know. I'm with you.

Anonymous said...

k,
If this had happened to someone else, someone close to you whom you cared about, would you not feel angry and upset on their behalf?

How you feel is reasonable and necessary. You were betrayed (and yes, you were - your trust was abused) by someone upon whom you depended completely. Why wouldn't you feel angry?

Though it won't "heal all wounds", time will give you some distance and that's what you most need right now.

I think all of your readers want to be supportive of you through this. If you feel you can't tell anyone else, tell us!

justslave said...

k,
Please know that you have a lot of people out here in the cyber world, very real people, that care about you and who are pulling for you and wishing you the best. It's hard to lose what we depend on, give so deeply of ourselves to and love the most in life, so very durn hard.

girl believes that to see such a seemingly strong loving and devoted M/s couple seperate shakes the belief of this lifestyle in all of us to one degree or another, it is horribly sad and, in girl's mind you have a lot of other slaves and submissives crying along with you for your loss.

Here is another wish for your peace of mind and happiness to be returned to you quickly.

justslave

Blush said...

I was a newer reader of yours, having found you through Rosie's blog. I really don't have any words of comfort or wisdom other than tell you that your anger isn't immature or spiteful. You're feeling angry and sad and anyone would. It's hard to move on (I'm sure anyone who has suffered this type of pain would agree)but it will eventually happen.

I wish you the best. This too shall pass.

Blush

oatmeal girl said...

please don't apologize.

please don't.

one of the hardest things about being in a D/s relationship is that we can't fully confide in the people who would normally be there for us.

if you can't open up here, then where can you?

Extenze said...

This is really a fascinating blog, lots of stuff that I can get into. One thing I just want to say is that your Blog is so perfect!

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel, its very hard to move on once you have made someone your everything and then left holding nothing but your broken heart and the pieces and wondering what to do with yourself.. I just went through the same thing and I have met someone wonderful, willing to pick up those pieces and there is hope... thats all i can say.. if i had to say one thing is that i am hopeful and you will be alright too.. it doesnt feel good at the time, and its hard as hell, big hugs to you.