Error Correction

This is my first D/s relationship, and really I'm very new at being a Dom outside the bedroom. I've also made no secret of the fact that I am a human being (turns out all Doms are - crazy, I know). So all in all it should come as no surprise that I make mistakes.

The mistake I made yesterday wasn't anything really terrible, but since I tend to share all my triumphs and successes here, I figured I would share the less-than-perfect stuff too. Oh you lucky lucky readers!


So the set-up: yesterday for the first time since this day, I tried putting my alluring and marvellous k on an orgasm schedule again. She had had a weekend that was rather frustrating and difficult, and the times when we'd been together I felt her falling so deeply into subspace (that is, into me, and god I'll never get used to the tremendous feeling of that). I thought, rightly, that she needed a full day in continuous submission, to put the problems she had into perspective. Hence the schedule.

It was working very well for her, I believe. We were able to talk about her frustrations and such in between her appointed times without the anxiety getting to her. She was laughing and having fun and rising out of that spiral of helplessness. At the same time, it goes without saying that it was getting me in that soaring kinetic king-of-the-world headspace that I'm starting to grow addicted to as well.

And that was the start of my mistake.

I was riding high on the whole Dom experience. So high that, when my wonderful gal texted me to say that it had been impossible for her to meet her mid-afternoon "deadline," I reacted in a way I regret.

I suppose that what I did wasn't really so bad. I texted her back something cryptic and Tsk-Tsk-Disappointed-Dom-sounding, and left her instructions for a mild kind of punishment to carry out for having missed the time. But it was the motivation for it that made me grimace at myself in retrospect.

You see, I realized after a time that I had selfish reasons for it. When she missed the time, I felt myself in danger of falling out of that delirious Dommish headspace, and I wanted to preserve it, even if it meant making the woman I love do something she really dislikes. In fact, I think I was casting about for ideas of things that I knew she'd be upset to do, because that gave me a (short-lived) rush of power. The punishment I chose wasn't really so bad, but I found myself sort of relishing the idea that my precious k would be uncomfortable, and maybe a little scared to find out what instructions I'd given her. Again, these reactions weren't topmost in my mind, but they were definitely there, and I'm not exactly proud of them.

That's really not who I am or who I want to be, as a Dom or as a plain old homo sapien. The overarching melody of love in our relationship was muted for a little while, and some darker music came to the fore. The realization that I'd let that happen, for firvolous selfish reasons, brought me crashing out of that Domspace pretty hard.

Hours after I'd first registered my disappointment and set the punishment for it, I recanted. And don't think that a lot of thought didn't go into that as well ... Is it better to just let the punishment stand? Do I want to be a wishy-washy Dom? Will k lose the deep submissive feeling she was enjoying so much? Am I being selfish yet again by changing things on my own whims, for my own peace of mind?

In the end, I'm convinced it was the right thing to do. I love my sweet, steadfast, dedicated, generous k more than anything. The D/s is a very important and intrinsic aspect of that love, but not the whole of it. I learned a little something about myself yesterday. I learn more about myself and the world every day since falling in love with this beautiful girl.