Hard At Work

Today I indulged in a little play with my luscious k from work. Something I do from time to time, but not as often as I like, for obvious reasons. It started out with some of our usual banter and teasing with a few short emails and text messages, then progressed into something more intense.

Pretty soon I was taking my lunchbreak, and we were texting back and forth so furiously my fingers started to cramp up, but of course I'm hardly gonna let that stop me. There was no place for me to go to phone her and bring her to climax that way, so I kept up with the texting and it got to where it was approximating a scene we might have in IM, but at a slower, more protracted tempo. Someday I may have to blog here about techniques for text-message sex lol. One thing for sure is that having a long history of IM/chatroom scenes together really makes it flow more easily.

Anyhow, we got to a point where we were both beyond a certain point and I sadly had to get back to work (if only to pay the phone bill for said text messages), so I told my darling delicious irresistible k to call and leave me a voicemail message of her climax.

And woah she sure did.

So I'm here at work for a while longer, hard as steel and just humming with desire for the woman who submits so beautifully to me. I listened to that message a few minutes ago, and came so very close to climaxing from the sound of her shuddering sighing breaths alone. I need that girl. She may not know it yet, but later tonight she is going to twist and arch and writhe under my hand, splay open to my touch, surrender and unravel in my embrace.

*checking the clock to see how close it is to quitting time*

i am His

i've been tagged by the lovely Taylor.

I Said: Yes Master
I Want: to kneel at my Master's feet and rest in His presence
I Wish: i could feel His hand running through my hair, His cock as it fills my mouth, His warmth as He holds me against His chest
I Hate: that i can't be with Him always
I Miss: the sounds He makes when i make Him cum
I Hear: His soft whisper in my ear "you are Mine"
I Wonder: when i will be able to make Him cum for me again
I Regret: that i can't be more for Him
I Am Not: sure where i'll be next year
I Dance: when i can't sit still
I Sing: every day
I Cry: over the silliest things these days
I Am Not Always: as smooth as i like to think i am
I Make With My Hands: a myriad of different things
I Write: so much and never enough
I Confuse: myself way to often
I Need: only my Master
I Should: get myself to bed
I Start: on a wonderful amazing journey with my Irch
I Finish: not nearly enough
I Tag: anyone who would like to do this

i've been in such a submissive mood recently, and it constantly amazes me when i can fall further into submission. Even while Irch and i have been apart over the past week i have never been more secure in my place with Him, or my complete and utter love for this Man. Being back in contact with Him this week has been so wonderful. He makes my body quake with only a few words, my soul sing with just the sound of His voice, and He brings me to my knees without saying a word.

i could never belong to anyone other than Him.

Quick and Dirty

Well my marvellous k was able to get online with me today for the first time in a long while. We scened. It was awesome. That woman of mine makes my soul shudder and electricity sparkle from every nerve ending.

Counting the hours till I get to take her again.

The Talking Cure

One of the things I've done for my brilliant k in the past is read to her. Not usually "live" over the phone, though we've done that a little too. Most of the time I'll set up a microphone and just read aloud into it and send her an mp3. The first thing I ever read to her was one of her own erotic stories, and yeah I sure had a great time doing that.

And she's read to me as well, a couple of times it was poetry, which was truly a special experience (blogged about it back here), and she's read me one of her stories and one of mine (though both times under sort of special circumstances that shall remain nameless heh). I won't make you all read through another rapturous besotted post about what her mellifluous voice does to me - just take it as a given that it's pure heavenly pleasure, ok?

But another thing I've done is read her some "regular" poetry and stories, even chapters of books. At one point, I had the ambition of reading the entirety of East of Eden to her, chapter by chapter, but with one thing and another I started to fall behind at around page 200 or so, and she eventually just finished the book the old fashioned way lol. I still want to pick a longer novel and read the whole thing to her in pieces someday (and of course I'm always up for suggestions!).

There are a number of things I love about reading to k in this way.

• It's very sensual. My breath, modulated by my throat and mouth, entering her ears and resonating there. And the words I speak (though usually someone else's words), firing neurons and dendrite chains in her brain, creating images, characters, interactions, memories with sound.
• It bridges across times when we are apart. It's something I can do easily when she's away, and something she can listen to easily when I'm away. As I read, I feel that I'm reading directly to her, and feel that special warm intimacy of sharing words. Even during our stressful March Madness time, I kept reading aloud to her and sending the files along, needing that connection.
  
• One of the mental images I have is of her sitting outside under a tree on a warm day, or just sitting in a comfortable armchair, maybe slightly drowsy, with the book in her lap, listening on her ipod to my voice reading the words to her. I feel present in her life in a quiet way, part of an act that is usually private and silent and casual.
• Another mental image I have (a D/s-ish one, naturally) is of cunning k kneeling or sitting at my feet, leaning against my leg as I read to her. My hand lazily drifts through her hair and brushes her cheek, neck, shoulders - in slow counterpoint to the tumble of words. This is a powerfully erotic and deeply satisfying imaginative space, and one I long to create in real life with her one day.
  

So those are some of the scattered thoughts I've had about reading to the gal I love. A practice I highly recommend to anyone!

Time and Time Again

I've been time-traveling recently.

No, not the Mr. Peabody and the Wayback Machine variety (and by the way, if that doesn't date me, nothing does), but the kind that happens when two experiences of time passage grind up against each other. And this really does all tie in to D/s and my luscious k and all in the end, but you have to bear with me a bit first, cuz I'm on a bit of a philosophical tear today...

So it seems to me (and a lot of other people as well) that there are two broad categories of time: the kind that ticks away regularly on a clock, even and unchanging, and the kind that we actually experience as we through our lives, which dilates and compresses constantly. These are often referred to as "clock time" and "subjective time" (or "ontological" and "psychological" time). An easy example of the difference: The five minutes you wait in line for Space Mountain at Disneyland versus the five minutes you ride on Space Mountain at Disneyland. Both occupy exactly the same (clock-time) five minutes on your watch, but which one seems to last longer as you experience it? And then later, which one seems in your memory to have lasted longer? (yes, I know, nobody has ever had only a five minute wait for the ride - just hypothetical here!)

[Side note: some of my favorite contemporary music composers have explored this juxtaposition, including Elliott Carter, Morton Feldman, and Steve Reich. Definitely worth checking out. End music plug.]

In the early days of my relationship with lovely k, time unfolded for me on two scales, in two separate strata. There was "real life," which had it's own pace that we're all familiar with, and there was "online life," which was ... well ... different. I'm sure I'm only stating the obvious here, but the pace of online life is a bit like reading a long novel over the period of several months (or, for those of you with shorter attention spans, like watching a two-hour movie on video over the course of a few days). It's separate from your daily existence, in a world of its own, often more densely-packed that "real life," and with a continuity that stretches between the isolated moments when you're actually online (or engaged in reading or watching the movie). I think the same holds true for the concept of a D/s "scene" that has its own logic and time-flow.

Of course the distinction is never cut-and-dried, and one kind of time experience bleeds into the other all the time. In my own case, since my k and I formed our attachment, and since it's deepened and strengthened, that distinction gradually broke down, to a point where really only fragments of a separate "online life" remain. I feel her presence with me in every breath and every heartbeat and every step. True, the times when were are online together or talking on the phone are the most intense moments, fraught with energy and passion and sensuality. But she is always in sweet proximity to me - infusing everything I think and do and feel, filling my heart, engorging my cock, all that good stuff. Her place in my life has expanded way beyond the computer screen.

Have you ever had (I hope you all have had) that experience of pristine sublimity in lovemaking when you swear time is standing still, the earth has stopped turning, the stars are aswim in the sky? That kind of time-stoppage is something I never thought could be achieved in a long-distance online relationship. But turns out you just need to be with the right woman.

The reason this has all come up is that I haven't had any time online with my delicious k in a number of days now. She's just moved into a new place and is working on getting her internet hooked up. I was out of town for the whole weekend and pretty preoccupied during that time. We've kept in touch with a few phone messages and texts, and I miss her. I crave the intensity of the times when we are online together. But this time, unlike any previous times that we've been apart like this, I am completely assured and unanxious, confident. I feel our bond, our connection, as strong and steady as ever.

She belongs to me, always. I know her heart and mind are as full of me as mine are of her. My ownership of her, and the difference I make in her life, don't diminish or alter over time. If a couple thousand miles don't change things, why should a few days?

Still, hurry back my gorgeous k. I desire you.

Fake-out

Well it's been quite a while since I added to this blog. Figured it's past time for an update, and there have been some interesting ideas swimming in my head recently, sort of picking up from my glorious k's talk about cliches last week.

It's become fairly obvious to me over the past couple of months that when I first started out in D/s, I was pretty much just a faker. It didn't feel exactly like that at the time, but in retrospect I can see that I was merely playing at the whole thing.

And yeah playing was a lot of fun - I don't regret it or anything, not by a long shot. I learned so much, and it did wake up my inner "Domminess." Even back in the early days when I was experimenting online, it was more than just this kinky fun way to cyber, but yeah it was that more than anything else. I did get to witness folks who were in the lifestyle or who had long-term online relationships, and it was interesting, but I never thought such a thing would be for me. It was only much later, when I began to self-analyze a little bit and think about why I found the D/s scenes so much more intense and satisfying than the vanilla ones, that I considered the idea that I might actually have Dom tendencies, and what that implied.

In those halcyon chatroom days, folks in the lifestyle or who took their D/s as a "higher calling" used to bug the heck out of me, for the most part. Always casting judgement, pronouncing certain people as fakers, others as the real thing. Lighten up people! I still say that if you can't have a sense of humor about the whole D/s enterprise, then you need to think twice about it. I mean, the whole idea is just pretty funny. But looking back from this vantage point, I can see that those imperious judges did sorta have a point (though of course one better expressed in a gracious respectful manner, with a spirit of inclusion). I was using the D/s mileu and its trappings to get what I wanted at the time - hot cybersex. But along the way I also made a lot of friends, and learned volumes about various viewpoints on D/s relationships.

And all that was the beginning of my journey, though I didn't know it at the time.

I can't possibly overemphasize that the discovery of my dominance is all to do with my amazing k. Though I know that it's a part of me, and in fact is a much more intrinsic part of my being than I could have previously imagined, my dominance is what it is only because of her.

It's a truism that love is powerful and changes you. Well among all the myriad kaleidoscopic transcendent wonders that our shared love has brought forth, one was a sense of comfort, stability, warmth, and trust in k, which I think I needed as a foundation, or maybe as a "safety net," so I could eventually let my dominance emerge and explore. That doesn't sound very Dommish does it? And maybe not everyone needs that, and I'm sure there are other paths that can get you to this point, but it was something I needed. k's love and trust were a prerequisite for me to be more than a "weekend Dom."

One of the things I've discovered in this journey (and I can feel that it's still far from over) is that there's quite a difference between dominating and being a Dom. Seems kind of obvious, I guess. But if you'd asked me a year or so ago what the difference was, I'd have mumbled some philosophical claptrap, and it certainly wouldn't have been based on first-hand experience. I truly understand what being a Dom means now, and notice that I don't say being "the" Dom. I am only "a" Dom, specifically k's. (In large part, her submission gives shape to my dominance, or at least the two dance and learn in perpetuity.)

When I collared k, the forefront of my mind said that we would continue to be great friends, that we would only scene with each other, and that maybe I could find out if my love for her were returned. And that all did come to pass and it's wonderful, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. For a long while I was dominating her exclusively in sexual scenes in chatrooms or in IM, then once in a while extending that into more r/l situations. Then at some unarticulated point, I slipped from merely dominating, into being a Dom. Owning my sweet k and loving her is the foundation of who I am and how I live. I've been looking back through some of the older blog posts here, and there's no single crucial moment - it happened in quiet stages and the realization of what it all means is still too much to wrap my head around sometimes. And I've come to wonder if this was in the back of my mind the whole time, unarticulated. A powerful vision of how things could be.

This has been one life-altering journey. I am more "me" because of my stunning k, and I become a better man every day since she's been mine.

Cliches Becoming More

When i first discovered the world of BDSM i got a very wide range of ideas of exactly what a submissive was supposed to be. i knew that there was something about the general ideas which drew me towards submission. However when one actually starts looking for information on submission it's easy to be quickly overwhelmed or scared away completely. i remember my first experience with Gor, and looking back on it, i'm surprise i'm still here.

As i learned more about the lifestyle and how i fit into it, i never thought i'd really fit into any of those stereotypes that were so prevalent through everything else that i'd seen. However as i've grown with Irch i see so many things i love which i never thought i would. As i mentioned in a previous post i have come to love and crave kneeling for Irch, that act of submission is just something i love so much.

Recently Irch and i have noticed several posts about people's oral fixations, which of course has lead to talk of my own oral fixation. Cock-worship was something i found alot of when i was first exploring my submission. It seemed odd to me to focus all of one's attention on a single part of anatomy when there was an entire person there to focus on. But, now i see there is so much more to it than simply focusing on a single body part or a single act even.

There is something about kneeling before my Master and offering myself to Him like that. To be able to please my Man like that is an amazing thing. Not only the physical display of submission, kneeling at His feet and offering up my mouth for His use, but also the putting aside of my own desires and physical comfort in that act. To kneel before Him and let His thick cock push into my throat, is not the most comfortable thing, but for some reason it's something i crave more than anything these days. I want to be able to all my love, devotion, and submission in that way for Him.

To put aside my own comfort for His pleasure. Recently it's all i can think of, if i could be with Irch i would be on my knees for Him constantly. I want to take His thick cock between my lips, revel in the taste of Him on my tongue, the slow luxurious warmth of His cock filling my mouth as it pushes past my lips and over my tongue, that moment when the head pushes back into my throat fighting that automatic urge to back off and holding Him there, pushing forward to take Him deeper, swallowing around the hardened flesh, my tongue teasing and trailing against the smooth skin as i slowly pull back before repeating the entire thing all over again.

It's not focusing all of my love on a single body part, but rather showing my love and devotion and submission through a single act. Letting all of my love and submission flow from me and into Him in that act of submission. It's not a cliche act of BDSM, but something i must do for Him. I could never feel more alive, more His, or more myself anywhere but at His feet with His cock filling my mouth.

I know this seems impossible to some, given the nature of our relationship, but as Irch has said over and over again, when we are together, it's not just words on a screen. There are emotions, feelings, sounds, tastes, smells, everything is so really. And when i think back on all the times we've been together i remember the things we did, i don't remember that i was sitting at my computer, or had the phone against my ear, i remember being with Him. Being with Him is all i remember, i can feel His cock filling my mouth, i can taste His thick cum shooting into my mouth, i can smell His intoxicating scent, i can see His eyes on mine. And all that is left is Him.

Visual Stimulation

Lately, my delicous k and I have been working on the visual side of our relationship. I've talked here quite a few times about how it's never been a big thing for me that I don't get to see what she looks like, and really that's still true. She's pretty fiercely self-conscious, as many people are, and I've never felt the need to insist or anything.

But I lied a little bit when I posted that in the past. Because actually I found a picture of her on the internet many months ago, and just didn't tell her about it, since I figured it would embarass her. In part of our whole March Madness deal, I came clean and told her I had it. And of course she is a stunningly beautiful woman. I could stare at her for days, and I've spent embarassingly long periods of time doing just that with the picture.

But in a way her beauty is beside the point.

Recently, with gradual and gentle pressure, I've opened k up to sending me some more pictures. These have all been of relatively innocuous body-parts ... a wrist here, a bare foot there ... and each time I get one of these I experience that familiar-but-always-shocking rush of power in the pit of my stomach. The knowledge that she's overcoming her own fears and inhibitions purely because I've asked her to - that gets my skin tingling with desire for her.

It seems to be a more deep-seated and complex fear, this one of showing herself, than any of any others I've experienced with k. I bought her a webcam as a gift a while back and asked her to send me back a list of things that scared her about it. And yeah it was quite a list lol. So we've been working through those one by one, issue by issue, with little exercises and such. Sometimes I think I may be going too slowly, actually, but I'd rather go too slow than too fast. I think the big breakthrough we had about a month ago has made the whole process easier. There's a level of trust between us that's unprecedented, but I'm still going against a couple decades of mental conditioning. So I bide my time and keep letting her know how please I am with her progress, and really every time she completes an assignment or sends along a picture or anything, I break out in the hugest grin.

I'm looking forward to a day in the future when my lovely k won't think twice before just turning on her webcam and letting me see her gorgeous face as we chat online. Not just for the aesthetic pleasures of seeing her smile and blush and scowl and lick her lips and scratch her ear, but also for the empowerment of knowing that my subbie has this high level of ease and openness with me, and for her realization of her own beauty.

Till then, I fetishize and drool over the glimpses that I get, and know that those wiggling toes and that arching neck and that delicate wrist belong to me.

Happy Birthday sweet k!

Well I realize this is pretty self-indulgent (even by the standards of this blog), but I need to wish a happy birthday to my amazing marvellous beautiful k. This is her first (of many) birthdays since becoming mine, and that in itself makes it special.

Had this special gal not been born, my life would certainly be a dreary affair, not the magical brilliant more-surprising-by-the-hour wonder that it is today. And that's a pretty great reason to celebrate. Her very existence makes the world a better place to live.

I adore you, my sweet perfect one. And I won't reveal here just how many swats your ass will be getting today, but I think we may go beyond the alloted number ... "and 100 to grow on" anyone?

Reminiscing

i've done a bit of reminiscing here in the past, but recently i've been going over old memories with Irch and i wanted to share a bit tonight, now that i've finished my assignments for the weekend.

When i first met Irch, gosh it's been years ago now, i totally had a crush on Him. It's true, i don't know that i've ever really told Him how much. But back when we were both going into chatroom quite regularly, He was quite the popular Dom (i've heard rumors i was popular as well, though i seriously doubt that). i remember many of the other girls liked to talk about Him a lot when He wasn't around, how nice He was, how much fun it was to scene with Him, how well spoken He was, and on and on.

Other than seeing Him around a few times, i hadn't had a lot of contact with Him, beyond the general hello and goodbye. Every few days or so, a "slave auction" would be held in the room that we visited. They were just for fun really, the subs and slaves would go up for auction if they wanted to and the Doms could "bid" on them. And the winning Dom would get an hour of the sub's time. This is how i came to first scene with Irch. Funnily enough, He didn't win me in the auction, though secretly i had hoped that He would. i was actually won by another sub, who "gifted" me to Irch.

i couldn't have been happier, i loved getting to spend so much time alone with Irch and not have to deal with all the other girls. He really was wonderful, i don't recall exactly what happened during the scene or how long it lasted, but i knew then that i wanted more. Irch really was so different from any other Dom in the room, He was funny, He actually talked to me like a real person, He was nice, and He knew what he was doing.

Now, looking back years later, i can't believe that this Man is just as much mine as i am His. i know if we were still active in the chatroom scene, i would be the envy of every girl there. Everyday is so wonderfully new and vibrant with Him and i wouldn't change anything about it.

Today is our 8 month anniversary, i can't believe it's been so long. Life has been sweeter, brighter, and warmer since i became His, and i can't wait for each new day. i love learning more about Him every day, and sharing myself more completely than i ever have before. i love knowing that i arouse and excite Him, i love knowing that i make Him laugh and smile, and i love making Him proud. i love this Man with all i have in me, and i am thankful every day to have Him in my life.

i have a birthday coming up this next week too, and i have one assignment from Irch on my birthday. i am to stop at some point in my day and just think about being His, He will own me every day of this next year, and this is just the first of many more to follow. i love knowing that i belong to Him today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, and forever. i am so thankful, that girl brought us together all those years ago. Life is so much better now.

i love You Master, i wouldn't trade these past 8 months for anything in the world, i can't wait to continue growing, learning, and laughing with You. i am Yours completely now and always.

Ebb and Flow

I was reading this thought-provoking post in a blog I just discovered called Tea and Oranges - highly recommended. In it, Tea discusses a sort of Zen moment and how the mental state it put her in reminded her of a submissive headspace. And, as you might expect from my terming it "thought-provoking," it provoked a whole lot of thoughts...

Though I'm not the kind of person who subscribes to any overt or codified belief-system, I've often found Taoist concepts very appealing and appropriate metaphors for the way I see myself fitting in the world. Even struggled through a nice translation of Chuangzi once. I'm sure I'm only the ten millionth person to use the analogy "Dom is to sub as yin is to yang" (or would that be yang is to yin? I get them confused sometimes...), but now that I'm deep into my first true D/s relationship, it has an unprecedented resonance for me.

The ebb and flow of energy between my k and I most definitely has that "complimentarity" that the yin/yang symbol represents: opposites that constantly shift, feeding from each other, providing for each other, forming a union greater than (and different from) the mere sum of its parts. I've talked here before about dominance feeling like the rain falling on the landscape, or like the sea against the shore, etc.

But there's something beyond that too. When I'm fully in the Dom headspace, I feel more truly myself than at other moments, and yet simultaneously I feel "beyond" myself. To some extent, it's like I'm inside k's mind, and to some extent it's like I'm inhabiting a space in which we aren't so individualized any more, and to some extent it's like being a process or an action, rather than being a person performing a process or an action.

I realize now that this is similar to ideas of the Tao: losing the self in the flow. I'm way over-simplifying of course, both Taoism and my D/s experience, but there's a kernel of truth in there. I certainly do feel more at harmony with the whole universe since making k mine, but I think that's more to do with being deliriously richly in love with her than to do with the D/s side of things. The sensations and ideas I'm talking about are particular to the world she and I create as we interact. I both push into her and draw from her, both encompass her and fill her. When I dominate and she submits, there is the sense of completing a circle - and though I am technically only half of that circle, I experience the whole somehow, and rise above it. And see how beautiful it is.

Not to be Mr. Cliche again, but I'm going to close with a bit of a poem by W.B. Yeats:

O chestnut-tree, great-rooted blossomer,
Are you the leaf, the blossom or the bole?
O body swayed to music, O brightening glance,
How can we know the dancer from the dance?

Pride

I'm as proud of my k as I think I could ever be. She's been working so hard and so diligently, and the fruits of her labors have been some of the most striking and original and flat-out brilliant work she's ever done. She's gotten by on nearly no sleep, devoted to these projects. She is a pure unalloyed wonder.

And sometimes it's the most tremendous thing in the world that she could be mine.

I have lots of ideas of ways I can reward her for her efforts, and we'll get to those in short order ;) But right now, it's all about my chest swelling up with love and pride, and her getting pleasure from the great job she's done.

Just had to share with you all how amazing this woman is.