Time and Time Again

I've been time-traveling recently.

No, not the Mr. Peabody and the Wayback Machine variety (and by the way, if that doesn't date me, nothing does), but the kind that happens when two experiences of time passage grind up against each other. And this really does all tie in to D/s and my luscious k and all in the end, but you have to bear with me a bit first, cuz I'm on a bit of a philosophical tear today...

So it seems to me (and a lot of other people as well) that there are two broad categories of time: the kind that ticks away regularly on a clock, even and unchanging, and the kind that we actually experience as we through our lives, which dilates and compresses constantly. These are often referred to as "clock time" and "subjective time" (or "ontological" and "psychological" time). An easy example of the difference: The five minutes you wait in line for Space Mountain at Disneyland versus the five minutes you ride on Space Mountain at Disneyland. Both occupy exactly the same (clock-time) five minutes on your watch, but which one seems to last longer as you experience it? And then later, which one seems in your memory to have lasted longer? (yes, I know, nobody has ever had only a five minute wait for the ride - just hypothetical here!)

[Side note: some of my favorite contemporary music composers have explored this juxtaposition, including Elliott Carter, Morton Feldman, and Steve Reich. Definitely worth checking out. End music plug.]

In the early days of my relationship with lovely k, time unfolded for me on two scales, in two separate strata. There was "real life," which had it's own pace that we're all familiar with, and there was "online life," which was ... well ... different. I'm sure I'm only stating the obvious here, but the pace of online life is a bit like reading a long novel over the period of several months (or, for those of you with shorter attention spans, like watching a two-hour movie on video over the course of a few days). It's separate from your daily existence, in a world of its own, often more densely-packed that "real life," and with a continuity that stretches between the isolated moments when you're actually online (or engaged in reading or watching the movie). I think the same holds true for the concept of a D/s "scene" that has its own logic and time-flow.

Of course the distinction is never cut-and-dried, and one kind of time experience bleeds into the other all the time. In my own case, since my k and I formed our attachment, and since it's deepened and strengthened, that distinction gradually broke down, to a point where really only fragments of a separate "online life" remain. I feel her presence with me in every breath and every heartbeat and every step. True, the times when were are online together or talking on the phone are the most intense moments, fraught with energy and passion and sensuality. But she is always in sweet proximity to me - infusing everything I think and do and feel, filling my heart, engorging my cock, all that good stuff. Her place in my life has expanded way beyond the computer screen.

Have you ever had (I hope you all have had) that experience of pristine sublimity in lovemaking when you swear time is standing still, the earth has stopped turning, the stars are aswim in the sky? That kind of time-stoppage is something I never thought could be achieved in a long-distance online relationship. But turns out you just need to be with the right woman.

The reason this has all come up is that I haven't had any time online with my delicious k in a number of days now. She's just moved into a new place and is working on getting her internet hooked up. I was out of town for the whole weekend and pretty preoccupied during that time. We've kept in touch with a few phone messages and texts, and I miss her. I crave the intensity of the times when we are online together. But this time, unlike any previous times that we've been apart like this, I am completely assured and unanxious, confident. I feel our bond, our connection, as strong and steady as ever.

She belongs to me, always. I know her heart and mind are as full of me as mine are of her. My ownership of her, and the difference I make in her life, don't diminish or alter over time. If a couple thousand miles don't change things, why should a few days?

Still, hurry back my gorgeous k. I desire you.