Honest to Goodness

Something I haven't spoken about here yet is the depth of emotional honesty I've reached with my k. There was a time when I wasn't representing myself online as who I really was. It was easy at first, then got progressively more difficult as I became better friends with people, and it became excruciatingly difficult (and ultimately impossible) when I realized that I was falling head-over-heels for k. So I changed things for the better a while back - it was a really tough leap to make for me, and I know that it hurt k immensely for a while. Probably it still reverberates to this day to some degree. But I just can't be anyone else with her other than who I really am.

What's sort of funny is that the process actually started in our online scenes before it reached our more "normal" interactions. Backing up a bit: when I first started going to scening chatrooms, the scenes I would be part of were mostly an exercise in spontaneous fiction-writing. I loved the excitement and arousal from them, and the way that I could get "lost" in the flow of text when with a good partner. But I'd pretend sometimes that I was having an intense experience when I really wasn't. I could get very aroused from scenes, but rarely would actually cum in r/l, and hardly ever when I said I did in my typing. First and foremost in my mind was to make sure the scene was a good one on the screen - it didn't have much to do with the tempo of my own libido.

That all changed with k. I loved playing with her so much, so we did it a whole lot, and gradually we discovered rhythms that we shared and that worked for us. I found that my body was reacting far more intensely to what we typed back and forth because (1) the way she has with words just really speaks to me, and (2) we were able to communicate where we were on our arcs of arousal throughout the scenes. Now I'm not sure if k had the same feeling in those days as I did (I am certain she does now), but it was a revelation to me.

Pretty soon I reached a point where I couldn't lie about what I was feeling. I wouldn't "fake" orgasms with her just because it was part of the proper form. I would make no secret of the fact that I was interested in getting off fast, or that I craved a slow sensual build-up. I'll sometimes climax two or three times during extended scenes with her, and she hears about each in great detail lol.

The result of this is that it made every moment more intense, more real. What we shared on the screen was more connected to my true experience, and I know that's a small part of what forged a bond between us. Soon I couldn't go back to the old "fictive" scenes and wanted to spend all my time with k, because with her I was reaching a different level. Yes, it was all wrapped up in our friendship and everything too, but it's sort of funny to think that if we hadn't connected in that immediate sexual-timing way, things might have played out differently.

So so so glad things progressed as they did, though :) k has always been perfectly wonderful to me, and being open and honest with her about all aspects of life has been a profound joy.