Uncharted Territory

Things with Irch and i have been moving so smoothly, it's just so natural to move in and out of each dynamic of our relationship, and throughout it all is that underlying melody of my submission and His dominance. We may play several variations on the theme and yet it is that melody which holds the whole piece together and it runs strong throughout.

It often surprises me how strong it is at times, we no longer slip into our roles as Master and slave, it is something we wear at all times. It's a deep part of who i am, the very essence of me and something i've found i could never turn off, even if i wanted to. This week i came face to face with that knowledge and it was completely overwhelming.

As you know from Irch's latest post we recently had a chance to spend almost an entire day together, it was so wonderful to just joke and goof off and then move so easily into a scene, at one moment be talking about what i made for lunch and the other to be on my knees staring up into my Master's eyes. We've been using a webcam more and more often recently, and there was just something about actually seeing His eyes while i was so subbed out.

At one point Irch asked me to look into His eyes and tell Him what i saw there, now in my mind i knew what He wanted me to say. He was prompting me to move on with our scene, and yet i couldn't get my mouth to cooperate. I simply could not just say what i knew He wanted me to say when i saw so much more.

I did see that desire there, but at the same time i also saw so much more. Looking into His eyes in that moment, i saw boundless love and devotion there for me. For me - that's a bit hard to swallow. That someone i love so deeply could actually feel the same way about me and to actually see it so obvious in His eyes in that moment was almost more than i could bear. It was so overwhelming to see all that emotion there that i couldn't say or do anything, and He had to guide me along for a bit before i came to myself again.

It was just so heart-stoppingly amazing to see all that written in His eyes, i didn't even know how to respond. It was finally blindingly obvious how much this Man loves me, how much His dominance of me is not only such a part of who He is but a part of what makes me whole, and all that desire not for some model or movie star, but for me. A silly, ADD, often immature, self-conscious girl like me.

It's very humbling to realize that someone loves you so completely, i don't think anyone ever really expects the sort of rush it is to finally realize that and to own it and cherish it. You have to stop for a moment and say - "you mean me? you weren't looking at someone behind me or something right?" Because when you find someone who loves you like that and you love them right back it's just amazing and i gladly give Him my forever because i know that i have His.

I've happily crossed over to each new level of love and intimacy with Irch throughout our relationship, but this one caught me by surprise. But i am so glad that we've made our way to this newest level and i can't wait to see what's next.

Satisfaction

mmm yesterday was a satisfying day. I'm still a bit delirious about it all, to tell you the truth. So blissed out 24 hours later that this post may not make a whole lot of sense.

It's been a long while since my scrumptious k and I have been able to spend a long day together, due to our new schedules (mostly changes in my work). But yesterday I decided I'd had enough. Called in sick and spent all my time with the gal I dominate and love.

There's a whole different dynamic when you're not watching the clock, knowing you have to leave soon, or worried that you're staying up too late and will be all bleary in the morning. Of course I'll always steal whatever hours I can with her, and never regret it. Of course we are always in touch with email and text messages throughout the day. Of course her beauty, her submission, her devotion, her wonderful k-ness, are with me in every breath.

But all the same, I've missed having days like we did yesterday. On IM together for hours on end, taking breaks to eat and such, hovering over that bewitching ground that encompasses light banter, sublime declarations of love, silly teasing, sensuous foreplay, serious discussion, literary criticism, heart-expanding acts of devotion, and hour upon hour of scorching, intense, imaginative D/s sex scenes.

I'd almost forgotten how easy and natural it all is. Not that there isn't plenty of effort expended in focus, mental and physical energy. But the connection k and I share is just there. Not sought after, not toiled for, not painstakingly achieved, not agonized over. Just ubiquitous, part of the fabric of each of us, and more instrinsically part of the fabric we have been weaving together.

To spend a full day like that, watching the sun rise and fall, feeling the temperature change, share ridiculous minutiae of what we are eating and wearing and thinking. This, I think, is what a day with my woman will be like when we meet in real life. And damned if the online approximation doesn't make me hunger for that more than ever now.

Except of course, when I meet her face-to-face, there will be her eyes. Her lips. Her scent. The arch of her back. The tilt of her shoulder. The turn of her ankle. The rush of her breath against me. The taste of her neck. The curve and swivel of her hips against mine. The supple texture of her forearm under my hand. The slick spicy nectar that my tongue draws out. The tightening of muscles. The clutched coiling gasps of her passion. There will be the utterly incomprehensible transcendence of seeing her kneel by me.

And still there will be her eyes.

Eyes I've spent days and nights dreaming of. Eyes I will watch squint and flutter and widen. Eyes whose lids I will kiss, whose lashes I will feel brush against Me. Eyes I will focus deeply on, and deeply through. Eyes that say everything words can't. Eyes that bring forth and offer the undeniable and irresistible and bone-deep truth of her submission, her devotion, her love.

Those are the eyes my long day's journey into k has left me craving.

Eye of the Beholder, part 2

Well I promised to post again about this incredible thing that my irresistible k did for me. Painted a painting. And I still can't quite get over it.

It came about because of an offline assignment I'd given her a while back: to describe a "perfect weekend" of what she'd envision us doing together if I hopped on a plane and came to visit her. Sort of a travel-itinerary, but with a lot more graphic sex than you might find in an in-flight magazine, say. And as part of the exercise, I indicated that she could include pictures or drawings (since she's so good at those things, and generally has a very visual imagination, I think) if the mood struck her.

Well it turned into a longer and more elaborate undertaking that I'd imagined, mostly because she decided that she wanted to paint a painting for me. There were other beautiful artworks in the package she sent as well: sketches of us kissing, laying in bed together, a beautiful photoshopped image of us dancing, and even a cartoon drawn in crayon that gives me one of those deep cathartic laughs that seem to fill my whole body down to my toes. But the painting is the most cherished of all.

For one thing, it's not like my talented k does a whole lot of painting. It's something she does every once in a while, usually as a special gift for someone close to her. So when I see the painting, one thing I see is my slipping into a position in her life where I'm intimate and trusted, on the level of family and dear friends.

Then there's the time factor. I'm no artist, but I know that it takes a long time to do a piece like this. Sketching out ideas, choosing and mixing colors, painting layer after layer, letting them dry, making corrections. It's a real project that you have to be dedicated to. And my lovable k, prone to bouts of ADD-ness at the glimpse of something shiny, is not one to focus for long periods of time on projects unless she really wants to. So I also see in the painting a gift of her time, knowing that it occupied a small space in her mind over many days.

There's also the sensuality of the act of painting. Spreading layers of textured acrylic color over the canvas, the strong yet supple hold of the brush in fingers, the controlled sweeping arcs and lines. Something about the image in her mind becoming manifest. Most intriguingly: she takes the given flat, rectangular whiteness of the canvas and creates in it a world of swirling color, graceful balance, delicate composition, loops and spirals and shaded softness. That interface between canvas and paint is the union of Dom and sub, and (in our case) between masculine and feminine. An incomplete metaphor, to be sure, but with some truth in it.

So when I see the painting, I see her concentration, the precise motions of her hands, and I see her making love to me at the same time.

And of course there's the subject matter of the painting itself. It's smallish, probably eight by ten inches, perfect for holding in my lap to gaze at, which I am doing as I type this. In style, I think of it as being a sort of gothic-romance by way of Japanese manga. The silhouette of two lovers in the distance, on the crest of a hill, in a forest clearing, under the moonlight and stars, fireflies twinkling, some sort of nimbus of love spiralling around the couple. Rich deep purples and blues and blacks, splashes of white and dusky orange. Altogether gorgeous.

So I see a million things when I look at the painting, but more than anything I see her love, shining out of every brush stroke. The woman of my dreams, this one.

Versification

So, there will be more on this whole painting thing posted soon, but before I get to that, which might actually be interesting, here's some very bad poetry! *cue theme music*

I'm not good at this at all, and the only way I can even get started is to have a pretty serious structure in place (imagine, a Dom who requires structure!), so this is sort of a shorter, easier bastardization of a form called a sestina.

I should mention that I wrote this while my beloved k was sleeping. One of the things I tend to fantasize about a lot is watching her sleep, just being in bed with her and seeing this immensely complex and scintillating mind find quiet restfulness.

As she sleeps

As she sleeps, the world slows to rest with her:
Stillness, peace, steady breath.
A lilting rise and fall of dreams
Mirrored in her silent slumber.
This girl, this marvelous girl, is Mine.

This girl whose mind is glass-splinter-faceted by day,
As the sun and incandescent rays
Still criss-cross at acute angles about her.
A lingering scatter of both light and thought,
Mirroring, refracting. All of it

Mere ornament to
This girl I see
As whole in sleep.
Still.
All contradictions resolved.

A long drowsy sigh is a
Mirror held up to her dreaming mind.
This girl travels fantastic realms
As I sit and watch her,
Still fascinated after hours.

Stealing kisses from her sleeping form,
All of her being reflected and focused in the
Mirror of my eyes.
This girl, this marvelous girl, is Mine
As she sleeps.

The Eye of the Beholder

Still trying to process how plain awesome this is:

My artistic k painted me a real actual painting! Like the kind with paint on a canvas and you have to mix your colors and then let it dry and stuff - that kind! And it just arrived in the mail today.

And no I wasn't aware that it was possible to fall even deeper and more madly in love with this gal, but I think I just did. More reflections on the wonderfulness that is k later, but had to say something before I explode with sheer unDomly giddiness.

In the Groove

The last few days I have been just grooving along beautifully, thanks to my alluring k. When you're in love and in such a fulfilling relationship, when you're feeling comfortable and powerful in your Domliness, when you're dazzled by the sublime wonderfulness of a certain subbie ... then everything in life just seems to flow easily.

I tried my hand a being a jazz musician for a while (and no, not with the giants of the genre you see in the photo - I ain't half that old nor one one-hundredth that good). But I played enough to know that great swinging feeling that comes when you're locked deeply in the groove with other musicians, and everything is swinging just right.

I've talked before about the Tao, and living in the action that you are performing, not being able to tell the dancer from the dance, etc. People get this feeling from lots of different things - being "on a roll" when writing, having "hot hands" in basketball, etc. I heard someone on the radio the other day talking about surfers getting this feeling when they are riding a wave perfectly.

But the reason I like the musical metaphor is that it has to do with human interaction - musicans creating something together, finding the perfect expression on the fly, improvising and floating around the beat, and locking into the "rightness" so that you simultaneously ride the groove and guide it. Thousands of unspoken subtle signals flash pre-consciously among the players and make the feeling evolve over time. What's sometimes called being "in the pocket."

I feel my amazing k and I creating this kind of rhythm and interchange just constantly lately. And just as with music, the melody lingers on. That groovy state of mind continues through the rest of my day, affecting every part of my life, to wit:

Long line of annoying people at the supermarket? -- couldn't care less.
Boss demanding impossible tasks on microsecond deadlines? -- rolls right off my back.
Bus late again? -- meh, what's it to me?
War in Iraq? -- well, ok that one still gets me, but I have such a deep store of hope-for-mankind in me now, thanks to sweet k

I am just riding through that wave and I've got the world on a string, everybody around me is my friend, the world is a colorful scintillating place. There's a touch of the infinite in everything I see and do. Being in love, and being in this profoundly grooving D/s space with my k, I feel in harmony with the whole damn universe, today and every day.

Graphical Interface

My wonderfully creative k has made another banner, this one a sort of celebration of the orgasm-control days we've had. Just so gorgeous that I had to share it. I hope that she'll keep creating these beautiful pieces that make my stomach tighten and my toes curl and um... yeah some other physical reactions that I bet you can all imagine.

You are so talented and hardworking and just wonderful, my sweet k.

Error Correction

This is my first D/s relationship, and really I'm very new at being a Dom outside the bedroom. I've also made no secret of the fact that I am a human being (turns out all Doms are - crazy, I know). So all in all it should come as no surprise that I make mistakes.

The mistake I made yesterday wasn't anything really terrible, but since I tend to share all my triumphs and successes here, I figured I would share the less-than-perfect stuff too. Oh you lucky lucky readers!


So the set-up: yesterday for the first time since this day, I tried putting my alluring and marvellous k on an orgasm schedule again. She had had a weekend that was rather frustrating and difficult, and the times when we'd been together I felt her falling so deeply into subspace (that is, into me, and god I'll never get used to the tremendous feeling of that). I thought, rightly, that she needed a full day in continuous submission, to put the problems she had into perspective. Hence the schedule.

It was working very well for her, I believe. We were able to talk about her frustrations and such in between her appointed times without the anxiety getting to her. She was laughing and having fun and rising out of that spiral of helplessness. At the same time, it goes without saying that it was getting me in that soaring kinetic king-of-the-world headspace that I'm starting to grow addicted to as well.

And that was the start of my mistake.

I was riding high on the whole Dom experience. So high that, when my wonderful gal texted me to say that it had been impossible for her to meet her mid-afternoon "deadline," I reacted in a way I regret.

I suppose that what I did wasn't really so bad. I texted her back something cryptic and Tsk-Tsk-Disappointed-Dom-sounding, and left her instructions for a mild kind of punishment to carry out for having missed the time. But it was the motivation for it that made me grimace at myself in retrospect.

You see, I realized after a time that I had selfish reasons for it. When she missed the time, I felt myself in danger of falling out of that delirious Dommish headspace, and I wanted to preserve it, even if it meant making the woman I love do something she really dislikes. In fact, I think I was casting about for ideas of things that I knew she'd be upset to do, because that gave me a (short-lived) rush of power. The punishment I chose wasn't really so bad, but I found myself sort of relishing the idea that my precious k would be uncomfortable, and maybe a little scared to find out what instructions I'd given her. Again, these reactions weren't topmost in my mind, but they were definitely there, and I'm not exactly proud of them.

That's really not who I am or who I want to be, as a Dom or as a plain old homo sapien. The overarching melody of love in our relationship was muted for a little while, and some darker music came to the fore. The realization that I'd let that happen, for firvolous selfish reasons, brought me crashing out of that Domspace pretty hard.

Hours after I'd first registered my disappointment and set the punishment for it, I recanted. And don't think that a lot of thought didn't go into that as well ... Is it better to just let the punishment stand? Do I want to be a wishy-washy Dom? Will k lose the deep submissive feeling she was enjoying so much? Am I being selfish yet again by changing things on my own whims, for my own peace of mind?

In the end, I'm convinced it was the right thing to do. I love my sweet, steadfast, dedicated, generous k more than anything. The D/s is a very important and intrinsic aspect of that love, but not the whole of it. I learned a little something about myself yesterday. I learn more about myself and the world every day since falling in love with this beautiful girl.

Simple Pleasures

Sometimes the silliest, simplest things bring me such pleasure. My adorable k went to the movies today (Pirates of the Caribbean, naturally - see number 16 of the Zero Things About Me list), and texted me from her cell phone as she waited in line, bought tickets, got snacks, enjoyed the previews. I felt like I was there with her, absorbing her excitement about the event. We aren't quite dorky enough to go see the same movie at the same time in theaters 2000 miles apart, but give us time ... there are depths of dorkiness yet to be plumbed.

I am so startlingly and exuberantly in love with my woman. I can't wait for the day when we can enjoy a movie together (or make out like teenagers during the whole show, even better). Until then, I get to share the experience in the best way I can.

Cyberlife

So every once in a while, cybersex (and long-distance communication with IM in general) surprises me. Turns out it's a very flexible medium, and if you're someone with a literary bent, like myself or my erudite k, it can be a pretty satisfying alternative to a face-to-face encounter. Different, to be sure, but not altogether different, and possessing unique charms of its own.

I've started reading some media-critique literature lately, and I guess the idea of modes of communication, and how they affect the content of messages communicated, are on my mind a lot. So it's only natural that my brain starts inquiring about how the IM medium alters, limits, expands, amplifies, skews, and distorts certain kinds of ideas and communications, compared with say the telephone or a face-to-face interaction. But rather than bore everyone with theory, here are a couple of examples from yesterday...

My k was bratting out a bit. That in itself is something that I know would be an altogether different experience in real-life than in an IM window of course, but the mental landscape travelled is much the same. In any case, she was trying to get a certain kind of attention from me, using what I made clear were inappropriate methods, and I wasn't having any of it yesterday afternoon. For a while, we locked into what amounted to a staring contest. Which, yeah, you wouldn't think would work with people typing words back and forth on a screen. But damned if it didn't. I was right there, staring my gal down, and I felt the tension build between us, the atmosphere grow charged, brought her attention into a special kind of focus, and ultimately felt her willful defiance disintegrate.

All in all, it went on longer than a real staring contest possibly could, and had an element of theatricality about it that would have been laughable-to-impossible in real life. Of course there would have been other compensating factors in real life, but this experience had its own unique dynamic.

Once the staring contest was over, we proceeded to a bit of a spanking scene. Here's where things get muddy and complex and really interesting. You see, my poor k actually busted her delightful tailbone on a camping trip last weekend. The cross-pollination between the real and the online being so strong these past months, I actually have been avoiding giving her sexy butt as much attention (aggressive or otherwise) that I normally do. Yes it's strange that I had to mentally overcome this obstacle of not wanting to hurt my gal and actively convince myself that I wouldn't do any permanent damage by typing words about spanking her ass. That's what I did though, and the whole emotional process of the spanking and its aftermath was exactly we both needed at the time.

Funny to think that it's something that wouldn't have been possible in an actual real-life encounter. What I could have done as a satisfying substitute in a face-to-face (or hand-to-tush) situation is an interesting notion to ponder. Nothing puts the power dynamic between us into such sharp relief as a spanking, and it would have been disappointing indeed to have that option removed. Could we have sat at computers on opposite sides of a room and played out the scene in cyber anyway, despite the close proximity of the aching ass in question? Ridiculous as that seems, I could almost see it working. More likely, though, I'd have found another way to pull her into my sphere, open her up again to her own submission, allay her fears, put her in touch with the beautiful core of herself, and enfold her in my love.

Such is the relationship between us, whether online or off.

Up Close and Personal

So it's been a while now since the day I put my tremendous k on an "orgasm schedule," and I've been meaning to write about it in the intervening time ... At first I was a bit overwhelmed by the whole experience and had difficulty wrapping my head around what it all meant to me. Then some crazy real-life family emergencies intervened. So now here I am almost two weeks later finally trying to put my reactions into words. It will be a bit easier now, but not by much.

The impetus for the whole enterprise came from the fact that beautiful k is deliciously orgasmic. On the right day, in the right mood, she will cum and cum and cum, and it's one of the many aspects of her physicality that I cherish. I love that the sweet celebration of life that is an orgasm is within easy reach for her (and yeah I guess maybe I'm a bit in awe of the whole thing to, not to say jealous). I've never once in the past kept her from cumming whenever she wanted, or told her she had to do so at a certain moment. Well sure once in a while, in the heat of a scene I may cajole her to hold back and prolong the on-the-edge feeling, or I may use the old "cum for me now" to reinforce my dominance and her submission, but really it's always been in the service of maximizing pleasure, and riding through the improvisatory push-and-pull landscape of arousal.

This day was quite different.

k has already posted about all mechanics and details, so I won't reiterate. My feeling going into the "project" was that it would be fun for both of us, an experiment, a little power-surge for me, some little subbed-out moments for her, and just a frivolous way to mark time during the day. Really I wasn't prepared for how profoundly it affected me.

And I really wish I had the words to describe the rush of energy that coursed through me the whole day. I guess the easiest way to put it is to say that I had that transcendent, charged thrum running through me - the one I get when experiencing the most intense domination of k - except that it lasted all day without pause. Every moment, every breath, was filled with my assertion and her acquiescence. It was never background: always right in my face, arcing through my brain, singing through my veins. It was actually rather exhausting by the end of the day, not that I'm complaining in the least mind you, actively focusing like that.

So that in itself was just an outstanding unique glorious experience, truly perfect in every way. But as usual, my k managed to lift it higher into a realm of sublimity, and this is where it gets achingly beautiful for me.

At some point in the evening, we were texting back and forth, talking about all those D/s feelings we were experiencing, and also just chatting about this and that as we do. At some point, I was teasing her about something (I forget what right now), and she came back at me with one of her witty ripostes: "butthead :P"

And it was like the stars snapped into a new alignment or something, I swear. I suddenly had a new perspective on the day, my dominance, her submission, everything. It wasn't a game we were playing, there was no distance between us, we weren't pretending to be different people. Most wonderfully, my beloved k was not "acting the part" of a sub, but simply being herself. What an overwhelming heart-stopping realization. I mean, I've always known it, but to have it so obvious and unavoidable ... here was this brilliant, shining, complex, sassy-tending-to-bratty woman I love, and she was unmistakably the same woman who had been submitting to me all day, offering herself to my control, altering the natural rhythms of her body and mind to the rhythms I dictated.

There's just no hiding from the fact that she loves me and submits to me lovingly. It's written in mile-high letters on the horizon. I love her and feel true ownership of her more than I ever have, which is a joyous and chest-expanding and life-altering thing. My k was present in my heart in a new way that day and ever since.

Who knew that "butthead" was a magic word?