phoning it in

ah yes. Smiling happy Dom.

So my k and I had a wee bit of fun on the phone last night. It's been something like two whole weeks since we actually were able to play together online, and really something needed to be done. So I took the plunge and said I wanted to get her off over the phone. I had brought this up once before, a while back, and got a sort of interested-but-nervous response. But last night I could tell how badly she needed it, and the Dom in me stepped up and decided what was best for her ...

Yeah it was pretty awesome. I did all the talking, and she did all the cumming lol. Now I've been lucky enough to hear how my lovely k sounds when she's getting herself all worked up, thanks to the voice-message assignments I've given her. It was nice to have that as a guide, because I could tell from the tone of her voice and her delicious little squeals and moans and raspy breaths exactly how close she was getting. Made it easy to time things accordingly.

So there she was, a couple thousand miles away, listening to my voice, my words, her fingers busy between her thighs, her heart racing, her breath ragged, her mind in sync with mine. In a very real sense her body was under my control. I had the power to make her cum quickly or slowly, or to kill the mood altogether if I felt like it (but hell I sure didn't feel like that lol). She came gasping my name, god what a rush of pure energy that was - power and lust and love.

Did I mention that she came gasping my name?

Yeah, that needs to happen a lot more often

Since that moment, I've done a bit of thinking on how phone sex and cyber sex are so different, yet overlap a lot too. I mean, I know that when we are cybering, k is touching herself and getting all aroused and panting and finally cumming for me. And I just love that. We're together in a way that we aren't on the phone - creating the scene together, making the tension last longer because we are only stroking ourselves in r/l between taps at our keyboards. And really the eloquence that flows from her when she's getting close is just amazing - obviously she's a born writer.

But there was something altogether more physical about the phone. For one thing, I told her not to do any talking, just listen and respond, so the only things I heard where the aforementioned moans and gasps and other tasty things. Made me feel like I was right there with her, getting her physical reactions in real time just as I would if I were inside her for real. What an intense feeling. And unlike with reading text, there wasn't an extra layer of abstraction. I've talked before here about how that abstraction layer really just vanishes anyway, when we're in the midst of a scene, but it's one thing for it to vanish, and it's another thing for it not to have the possibility of existing, if you get what I'm saying.

And there's another component to the physicality of it too. When we scene in cyber, my mind is totally in the scene, and I feel like I'm living it out with her. This time, on the phone, it was like my brain was following two parallel tracks: One was the scene I was conjuring and communicating to her, the other was what was going on at her end of the phone. I couldn't help but picture my beautiful k with the phone at her ear, hand or hands plunged between her legs, sweat shining on her skin, mouth open, back arched, etc., etc. These images, of her actual r/l response, were all mixed up with the scene I was creating in my mind. And again it made me feel more like I was right there with her. And it was such a surge of power to know that the words I was saying were causing her body to respond in these wonderful visceral ways.

From my mind to my tongue. From my tongue to her ear. From her ear through her mind and body to her climax. I felt more than ever that she was mine: my girl, my pet, my subbie, my love.

And in case I didn't mention it, she came gasping my name...

faraway so close

Well it's been a reeeeeeeally long time now since my k and I have had some serious spans of time together, about 90% of it due to my work schedule and other crazy unpredictable r/l stuff. This is not a good thing. I try to act like a world-weary, aloof, in-control kind of Dom, but really I'm just aching for her.

Without the phone and the text messaging and the emails, it would be pretty unbearable, for sure. These things help a whole lot. But I need the "face time." I'm always feeling that strong bond between us, vibrating and pulling and informing everything I do, so it's really disappointing to have stupid stuff intervene, preventing me from enjoying that bond to its fullest.

I've always been completely aware that the idea of a collar and a long-distance internet relationship was going to have its problems, of course, but that doesn't stop those problems from being frustrating in the extreme. It will most likely be a whole week before I get to spend a decent amount of time with k again, and that's pretty heart-wrenching to think about. It makes me increase the number and complexity of the offline assignments I give her, and causes me to send text and voice messages at an alarming rate, too.

A couple of things happened yesterday which were magical, though.

The first thing: We managed to steal about an hour to be together in IM. k had had an excruciating day. I wasn't doing all that great myself, but a lot better than her I think. After catching up a little and sympathizing back and forth, we ended up having a nonsexual "scene," of just comfort and tenderness and love. So brief, but so sensual and good and just bone-deep happy. I felt like a great friend and lover, the way that I have when we've had similar scenes in the past. But there was a new dimension to it this time - I was really her Dom and she my sub. I wanted to just pull all the burdens off her and shoulder them myself, take away all the stress and frustration and anger and just let her unravel. I wanted her to lean on me, use my strength, empty herself of all the pain of the day and fill herself of me instead. Felt just incredible.

The second thing: I've given my k a few phone assignments, where she has to leave me a voice message with something I've asked for. Every single one of them has been so special and uniquely arousing, stirring very powerful feelings in me as I listen later. For the most part, I've tried to make these boundary-pushing assignments, where she has to overcome some shyness or fear to perform the task. So this last assignment was originally going to be just having her read some dirty x-rated words to me, since I know she's a little reticent about saying such things out loud a lot of the time. But as things happened, the assignment grew, and it turned into her reading to me one of her sex stories while she masturbated herself to climax. Mmhmm yep, you can imagine how awesome that was to listen to, in so many ways. And then at the end, she thanked me (part of the assignment) by name (not part of it), and told me she loved me (also not part of it) while still panting from the release of her orgasm. Now that's what I call a good voice message.

So obviously, even though we hardly spent any time actually together yesterday, it turned out to be quite a great day. Would have been better for sure if we had more time, but I really can't complain. There was a time when the first thing would have made me feel warm and happy and friendly, but wouldn't have gotten my Dom-ness going. And there was a time when the second thing would have gotten me super-aroused and a little Dom-ish, but not to the degree I achieved today. And of course there was a time when neither of the activities would have been so suffused with love and devotion. It's really impossible to separate that from anything now.

k will do a lot for me, and I will do a lot for her. And the list of things that we do for each other keeps growing and evolving. As I've said here twenty times already, the friendship and the D/s and the love are meshed and intertwined to such a degree that it's really crazy to try and pick a single motivation for anything we do together any more.

Life is wild and bold and electric and ecstatic because she is mine.

Anticipation

Well it's been one whole week since I've been able to spend any real time with my beloved k. Lots of emails and text messages and phone messages in between of course, and I love them, but it's just not the same as really spending time with her.

Now it seems funny, actually, to talk about it that way - after all, I'm not really actually with her in the usual sense. But being online together in IM (or even in a chatroom, but especially in IM) is the functional equivalent, I guess. It's how I met her and got to know her and fell for her and made her mine, after all. I guess it's possible that one day, if the two of us get past our nervousness and awkwardness in our phone conversations, that those might feel just as close. But even if that happened, I think that IM would still be our communication-medium of choice.

And there are some things that make IM and email better than phone and voicemail, too. Obviously, you get to choose your words more carefully and your brain doesn't have to race ahead and you don't usually stumble over each other's words and those sorts of things. But also there's a benign-ness to text. It's less immediate, more mediated, and it's easier to take a step back from it - something harder to do with a voice, which is always emotionally charged and intimate in a certain way. These qualities were brought into relief for me over the weekend.

So what happened was that k had some r/l trouble and was up late sorting it out and having a pretty emotionally distraught time of it, I think. And me, not knowing this is going on because I haven't checked my email or anything, call and leave her a couple hot-n-heavy voice messages. Now I don't know for sure because we haven't talked about it yet, but it doesn't take a lot of imagination to guess that maybe such voicemails are not exactly what someone's in the mood for when they're having r/l difficulties. So when I found out about it later, I felt like kind of a jerk.

Now if I had sent emails instead, I think it would have been better. First of all, because emails sit there in a list and you know who they're from and usually have a subject line telling you what they're about, so you can use all that to decide what you're in the mood to read, or at least mentally prepare yourself or something. Can't do that with the voice messages. Plus, though my purple prose is ever so passionate and poetic, it still doesn't have the same immediacy that the sound of someone's voice does. This is what's great about phone messages, of course, but it's a weakness too. Seems to me that with the text you can separate yourself from it a bit more, like when reading a novel. Yes, the words are connected to a real person, but the real-ness is of a different quality. I don't think I'm making too much sense here, but maybe I'll return to this topic later.

Now the flip side of the phone messages being inimate and immediate is that I got so incredibly turned-on by a certain message k left me that I've been hard for a week straight now, no joke. It's like a medical condition. So today, when we finally get to chat again, I'm hoping to release a bit of the pent-up energy that's been building. Licking my lips just thinking about it.

Authorship

I've had one memorable and amazing few days with my k. *grins hugely* I already blogged last time about the phone conversation, which is still reverberating in me and making me feel excited all the time. Then just recently I discovered something completely by accident on the while trolling around the internet: k has a website full of really great erotic stories that I hadn't known anything about.

Now I had mixed reactions to this at first. My immediate thought was "wow! more stories!" followed quickly by "why hadn't I heard about this before?" Then a bunch of other more swirly kinds of feelings that I'll get into below.

Now k is just a hell of a writer, truly, and I've loved reading her stories over the couple years that I've known her, the sexy ones and the non-erotic ones. Even the unsexy ones have such an incredible way with sensual detail that sometimes you forget that it's not meant to be taken as erotic. So I've always been a huge fan, and it's thrilled me when she's written stories just for me, stories about us, maybe based on our scenes, one time written as one of my "assignments" for her.

So yeah I was a little taken aback for a while that she had this secret little stash of stories, especially when I started to read them and found them so arousing and great and some of them wonderfully unlike anything she'd written before. Really I was more excited to read them and learn about this "hidden" side of her than I was disappointed about not knowing sooner.

But as I read, I started to ruminate too. And this guilty stalker-ish feeling rose up in me. Now this is probably a good place to talk about the time several months ago when I really did act like a psycho stalker, much to my own shame. This was before the collar, but k and I had been spending pretty much all our online time together. There were a couple of days when she wasn't able to get online but I was, and I missed her, and so I started doing google searches on her email address and stuff, and found a fansite she belonged to and even a personal-diary-type blog. Now a more noble person would have never started looking in the first place, or at least stopped there. But no, I actually read through the last few blog entries before I got disgusted with myself. Not my proudest moment. Told her about it right afterwards, and I haven't looked since, but I still get a bit nasty-feeling when I remember it.

Anyway, there was more than a bit of that feeling in me when I read these stories, but a few things kept me going: (1) I really did stumble on them by accident. (2) This wasn't her personal life, but just a collection of her fiction writings. And the most surprising one of all: (3) I'm her Dom now. So, the first two justifications were ones that I think I'd have gone along with at any time in our friendship. But number 3 ... it was a little shocking when I took a step back and found myself thinking in those terms. Intellectually, of course, I know that she's my friend and she's entitled to have a r/l outside of our time together, and to share her talents with whomever, to be part of an online community of authors, and really to represent herself any way she wants to people, etc., etc. But something in me, something really new since the collar, was awake now. It was like I was watching over her, and I felt perfectly justified, in fact even compelled, to learn as much as I could about her, and to make everything that she does my own.

It was surprising and interesting and maybe slightly scary but mostly pretty darn fascinating to find this out about myself.

So I thought for a while that I'd keep my knowledge a secret from her and just watch from a distance, but who was I kidding? First of all, it still slightly irked me that she hadn't told me about it. Second of all, I can't deal with lying to her about stuff. And third of all, I had the plots of so many bad Love Boat and Three's Company episodes running through my head - you know, the ever-so-ironic-and-O'Henryesque plot device of two people keeping the same secret from each other. In the end, I kept the secret for all of like an hour.

(I didn't mean this posting to be a long narrative, by the way, but now that I've started, I'm sticking with it.) k didn't seem upset that I'd found her stuff, though maybe she was a little peeved at me and I couldn't tell, or maybe there was some other reaction going on, I really don't know for sure. But let's say that it was all copacetic with her - my guilty feelings were assuaged, my Dom feelings were justified. I still think that maybe she wasn't entirely happy I found her site, and I was still slightly uneasy that she'd kept it from me, but a whole lot less so.

So fast forward a couple days now. We had a truly great fun afternoon together and I was feeling really good about things. And this is where the story gets really good...

Overnight as I was sleeping, my stunning and perfect k wrote me a story and emailed it for me to find the next morning. Now getting a story from her is always a special occasion, and the few that she's written just for me are real treasures to me. But this one ... I don't even have the words to describe how this one touched me and made my heart want to burst in my chest. She wrote a story that was basically a scene from our real relationship - her description of how she carried out an assignment I'd given her, and how she felt about it at the time.

Unprecedented. And unimaginably great. All the stuff I've been writing about? here, how friendship and love and D/s feelings are all getting to be one big thing? with this story she basically confirmed that for me, told me she was feeling the same way, and bumped it all into overdrive. And that was only the beginning. (yes, I'm perfectly aware that I'm probably going out on a limb and reading waaaay too much into what was just a little story, but I can't help it...) I took the story as a sort of forgiveness for my snoopy and stalkerish actions, which felt great too. And yes, even farther out on that limb: I also took the story as a confirmation of my place in her life and in her heart. It was like she was saying, by the mere fact of writing something based on the limited r/l part of our relationship: "This is what's important and special. There's all that other stuff I do, but it's a different world from you and me." So yeah, that sure dispelled any lingering doubts that the secret stories had evoked in me, even if I'm reading things between the lines that aren't really there.

My k can write, and she can communicate things in her writing that are hard to say other ways. As I read and re-read the story and revisit the memory of it in my mind over the past couple days, the world just feels like it's bursting with bright color and bells and sweet smells. I've been just high on her ever since, my whole body thrumming and vibrating. And I've never felt more like a Dom, like her Dom, like she belongs to me in a sense that I hadn't heretofore allowed myself to think possible.

Not entirely sure how I got so lucky, but she's one in a million, my k. And all mine.

two months in...

Today marks two months since sweet k agreed to be mine. I was reading back over these blog entries the other day and realizing how much things have changed between us in such a short span of time. It's really been kind of dizzying and mind-reeling, in a euphoric way. On one hand, it's all been rather rapid and unprecedented (at least for me) as far as online relationships go, but on the other hand, it's all felt so very natural and organic and like our relationship is building at a pace that's "right." Sometimes I'm not 100% sure that k feels the same way I do about the pacing of things and the direction(s) we have gone, but then out of the blue she'll surprise me with yet another leap of trust, and suddenly it seems like we're so in sync that my heart can't fit in my chest anymore.

Last week, we spoke to each other on the phone for the first time. You can look at some of my earlier entries about how we've been leaving messages for each other, both the friendly and the sexy kind, but this was a real-live actual conversation. I was probably a lot more nervous than I should have been, but I'm going to call it "excitment" instead of nervousness. And in any case, once we got started talking, it
was pretty easy. We had agreed beforehand that our first convo was going to be brief, stilted, full of awkward pauses, and altogether strange. I guess it met those criteria to varying degrees, but mostly it was just ... well ... really wonderfully nice.

I discovered, or at least crystallized in my mind, something about my k that evening. She and I aren't all that different in the ways we present ourselves on the internet, and how we interact with people there. Now for me, the internet started out as artifice and play-acting, developed into a sort of "online persona," which was a sort of distorted version of me, and then finally became just pretty much "me." Now this current incarnation is still a little variation on me of course, because nobody can truly be exactly the same person on the internet, because of the nature of the medium. But I've tried as hard as I'm able and I've gotten as close as I think humanly possible.

This is not to say that I'm completely "me" all the time and with every person. When I'm with k, there's no question, of course. Even when we are scening, it's an extension of my desire and my actual physical self and my real emotions. Yeah, I'm sometimes prone to theatricalities and ignoring the laws of physics in scenes, but only because the medium requires it. Anyhow, the point is, that when I'm online chatting with some other friend, there's a little more artifice. If I'm in a chatroom with people I don't know, there's definitely more of a retreat into the online persona. (I should say by the way that I love the online personas people create, and that in general I think they speak to the imagination and smarts of the person "behind." In fact, this is one thing that made my girl so attractive and led to my wanting to get to know that real person.)

What I was trying to say, before I got side-tracked, was that k and I have both experimented with different "modes" of online life, and still experiment with them (witness this blog, which is a totally new experience for me). But it seems to me that we've both found this particular track, our relationship, a special and treasured thing, which deserves its own special modes and rhythms and space to grow.

This is one of the reasons that talking to her on the phone last week was such an incredible moment for me. I know it was a big jump for her, as it was for me too really, and that was special in itself. I can't really speak for her (what an un-Dom thing to say!), but I think she felt a little "exposed," not having the written word as the conduit of conversation, not being able to check what she said before hitting "enter," not having the relative slowness of typing to smooth out the inevitable pauses in conversation.

I could tell she was nervous, her voice pitched high with tension, and I swear I could hear her heart pounding over the phone. When it comes down to it, I don't know exactly which of the many intersecting vectors around the phone call are ones that made her nervous, but the great thing was that I felt the Dom in me really reaching out. As best I could, given the fact that I was "excited" too, I tried to be calm and focused and keep her enveloped in trust and friendship and fun. I guess that means I did most of the talking lol. Maybe this has less to do with being a Dom and more to do with just being older, I dunno.

In any case, the whole experience was great on so many levels. I was able to hear her say some things to me that theretofore she'd only typed, which was such a thrill. Her voice, by its very nature (and likely intensified by her excitment-level), got my body humming and my libido racing out of control. Nobody had a nervous breakdown or anything. And most delightful of all (WARNING: Icky mushy stuff ahead, 14-year-old boys stop reading now), we got to have a little profession of love in a new way, not typing "love" into a keyboard, not saying "love" to a voicemail answering machine, but speaking the word "love" into the ear of the one I love (alright, mediated by many layers of technology, but still...), and hearing it back from her throat and lips into my ears.

I'll talk some more about other aspects of being a two-month D/s couple next time. Till then, happy anniversary, my perfect and loveable k

Friends and Lovers

OK, so I've talked before about how my delectable k and I are friends, like the really good kind that you tell all sorts of stuff to and want to share dumb life details with. I really love that side of our relationship for lots of reasons, number one being that it always feels great to have a close friend, be they in real life or online or whatever. Sharing interests, joking and teasing, enjoying things together - all great stuff and really what life (and human relationships) are all about to a large degree.

Another reason I treasure our friendship is that it forms a sort of background "comfort zone." Both k and I have things going on in our real lives, and in particular she's years younger than me, so still has more of life to explore. So what I'm trying to say: one day it's entirely possible that the sex and D/s side of our relationship might have to stop or get side-tracked or put on pause or something. I'd hate for that to happen, and in fact just thinking about it right now is kind of devastating, to tell you the truth. BUT: I do feel quite certain that, even in such a heartbreaking situation, our friendship is solid and strong and vital enough to endure. I think k is the kind of friend that you keep for life, in other words.

Being friends has also been the gateway to my falling for her too. Yeah, the L-word came up a month or so ago and we've embraced the idea that we love each other. Does it mean something different online and given the fact that we'll most likely never meet in real life? Geez I dunno really. Probably, I guess. But it's hard to argue with the facts that (1) we share so much with each other, (2) I genuinely care about her welfare and emotions and life in general, (3) we're bonded together in that deep way lovers are, (4) life is more colorful and vibrant with her in it, and (5) I feel so damned passionate about her I can't think straight. So alright, maybe we need a different category for online romance, but till then let's just enjoy it. We need more love in the world anyway - why bother about semantics?

The other thing that's really been evolving in our relationship, and one of the most exciting things for me, is the seamless combination of friendship, romantic love, and D/s. When I first collared k, I sort of envisioned that we'd switch from friendly banter to D/s scenes and back again in the same semi-abrupt ways we always had. Over a couple years of knowing each other, a set of verbal signals sort of evolved that bridged the transition from one "state" to the other, so it didn't feel like the flicking of a light-switch or anything. But now, since the collar and the blossoming love and the sharing of more and more of our personal life and time (see previous posts), things have become more blended, and I'm really enjoying it. There's an easy and effortless flow from one "state" to another, and half the time I couldn't say which side of the boundary we're on...

Everything's really coming together into a whole, and now very moment I spend with my k is even more precious and more meaningful, because all three of those categories are present simultaneously, operating in parallel or intertwined or something. Pretty awesome stuff, and it feels to me like things are moving even more in that direction, towards some sort of whole that's no longer made up of individual pieces.

Ain't love grand?