Uncharted Territory

Things with Irch and i have been moving so smoothly, it's just so natural to move in and out of each dynamic of our relationship, and throughout it all is that underlying melody of my submission and His dominance. We may play several variations on the theme and yet it is that melody which holds the whole piece together and it runs strong throughout.

It often surprises me how strong it is at times, we no longer slip into our roles as Master and slave, it is something we wear at all times. It's a deep part of who i am, the very essence of me and something i've found i could never turn off, even if i wanted to. This week i came face to face with that knowledge and it was completely overwhelming.

As you know from Irch's latest post we recently had a chance to spend almost an entire day together, it was so wonderful to just joke and goof off and then move so easily into a scene, at one moment be talking about what i made for lunch and the other to be on my knees staring up into my Master's eyes. We've been using a webcam more and more often recently, and there was just something about actually seeing His eyes while i was so subbed out.

At one point Irch asked me to look into His eyes and tell Him what i saw there, now in my mind i knew what He wanted me to say. He was prompting me to move on with our scene, and yet i couldn't get my mouth to cooperate. I simply could not just say what i knew He wanted me to say when i saw so much more.

I did see that desire there, but at the same time i also saw so much more. Looking into His eyes in that moment, i saw boundless love and devotion there for me. For me - that's a bit hard to swallow. That someone i love so deeply could actually feel the same way about me and to actually see it so obvious in His eyes in that moment was almost more than i could bear. It was so overwhelming to see all that emotion there that i couldn't say or do anything, and He had to guide me along for a bit before i came to myself again.

It was just so heart-stoppingly amazing to see all that written in His eyes, i didn't even know how to respond. It was finally blindingly obvious how much this Man loves me, how much His dominance of me is not only such a part of who He is but a part of what makes me whole, and all that desire not for some model or movie star, but for me. A silly, ADD, often immature, self-conscious girl like me.

It's very humbling to realize that someone loves you so completely, i don't think anyone ever really expects the sort of rush it is to finally realize that and to own it and cherish it. You have to stop for a moment and say - "you mean me? you weren't looking at someone behind me or something right?" Because when you find someone who loves you like that and you love them right back it's just amazing and i gladly give Him my forever because i know that i have His.

I've happily crossed over to each new level of love and intimacy with Irch throughout our relationship, but this one caught me by surprise. But i am so glad that we've made our way to this newest level and i can't wait to see what's next.

Satisfaction

mmm yesterday was a satisfying day. I'm still a bit delirious about it all, to tell you the truth. So blissed out 24 hours later that this post may not make a whole lot of sense.

It's been a long while since my scrumptious k and I have been able to spend a long day together, due to our new schedules (mostly changes in my work). But yesterday I decided I'd had enough. Called in sick and spent all my time with the gal I dominate and love.

There's a whole different dynamic when you're not watching the clock, knowing you have to leave soon, or worried that you're staying up too late and will be all bleary in the morning. Of course I'll always steal whatever hours I can with her, and never regret it. Of course we are always in touch with email and text messages throughout the day. Of course her beauty, her submission, her devotion, her wonderful k-ness, are with me in every breath.

But all the same, I've missed having days like we did yesterday. On IM together for hours on end, taking breaks to eat and such, hovering over that bewitching ground that encompasses light banter, sublime declarations of love, silly teasing, sensuous foreplay, serious discussion, literary criticism, heart-expanding acts of devotion, and hour upon hour of scorching, intense, imaginative D/s sex scenes.

I'd almost forgotten how easy and natural it all is. Not that there isn't plenty of effort expended in focus, mental and physical energy. But the connection k and I share is just there. Not sought after, not toiled for, not painstakingly achieved, not agonized over. Just ubiquitous, part of the fabric of each of us, and more instrinsically part of the fabric we have been weaving together.

To spend a full day like that, watching the sun rise and fall, feeling the temperature change, share ridiculous minutiae of what we are eating and wearing and thinking. This, I think, is what a day with my woman will be like when we meet in real life. And damned if the online approximation doesn't make me hunger for that more than ever now.

Except of course, when I meet her face-to-face, there will be her eyes. Her lips. Her scent. The arch of her back. The tilt of her shoulder. The turn of her ankle. The rush of her breath against me. The taste of her neck. The curve and swivel of her hips against mine. The supple texture of her forearm under my hand. The slick spicy nectar that my tongue draws out. The tightening of muscles. The clutched coiling gasps of her passion. There will be the utterly incomprehensible transcendence of seeing her kneel by me.

And still there will be her eyes.

Eyes I've spent days and nights dreaming of. Eyes I will watch squint and flutter and widen. Eyes whose lids I will kiss, whose lashes I will feel brush against Me. Eyes I will focus deeply on, and deeply through. Eyes that say everything words can't. Eyes that bring forth and offer the undeniable and irresistible and bone-deep truth of her submission, her devotion, her love.

Those are the eyes my long day's journey into k has left me craving.

Eye of the Beholder, part 2

Well I promised to post again about this incredible thing that my irresistible k did for me. Painted a painting. And I still can't quite get over it.

It came about because of an offline assignment I'd given her a while back: to describe a "perfect weekend" of what she'd envision us doing together if I hopped on a plane and came to visit her. Sort of a travel-itinerary, but with a lot more graphic sex than you might find in an in-flight magazine, say. And as part of the exercise, I indicated that she could include pictures or drawings (since she's so good at those things, and generally has a very visual imagination, I think) if the mood struck her.

Well it turned into a longer and more elaborate undertaking that I'd imagined, mostly because she decided that she wanted to paint a painting for me. There were other beautiful artworks in the package she sent as well: sketches of us kissing, laying in bed together, a beautiful photoshopped image of us dancing, and even a cartoon drawn in crayon that gives me one of those deep cathartic laughs that seem to fill my whole body down to my toes. But the painting is the most cherished of all.

For one thing, it's not like my talented k does a whole lot of painting. It's something she does every once in a while, usually as a special gift for someone close to her. So when I see the painting, one thing I see is my slipping into a position in her life where I'm intimate and trusted, on the level of family and dear friends.

Then there's the time factor. I'm no artist, but I know that it takes a long time to do a piece like this. Sketching out ideas, choosing and mixing colors, painting layer after layer, letting them dry, making corrections. It's a real project that you have to be dedicated to. And my lovable k, prone to bouts of ADD-ness at the glimpse of something shiny, is not one to focus for long periods of time on projects unless she really wants to. So I also see in the painting a gift of her time, knowing that it occupied a small space in her mind over many days.

There's also the sensuality of the act of painting. Spreading layers of textured acrylic color over the canvas, the strong yet supple hold of the brush in fingers, the controlled sweeping arcs and lines. Something about the image in her mind becoming manifest. Most intriguingly: she takes the given flat, rectangular whiteness of the canvas and creates in it a world of swirling color, graceful balance, delicate composition, loops and spirals and shaded softness. That interface between canvas and paint is the union of Dom and sub, and (in our case) between masculine and feminine. An incomplete metaphor, to be sure, but with some truth in it.

So when I see the painting, I see her concentration, the precise motions of her hands, and I see her making love to me at the same time.

And of course there's the subject matter of the painting itself. It's smallish, probably eight by ten inches, perfect for holding in my lap to gaze at, which I am doing as I type this. In style, I think of it as being a sort of gothic-romance by way of Japanese manga. The silhouette of two lovers in the distance, on the crest of a hill, in a forest clearing, under the moonlight and stars, fireflies twinkling, some sort of nimbus of love spiralling around the couple. Rich deep purples and blues and blacks, splashes of white and dusky orange. Altogether gorgeous.

So I see a million things when I look at the painting, but more than anything I see her love, shining out of every brush stroke. The woman of my dreams, this one.

Versification

So, there will be more on this whole painting thing posted soon, but before I get to that, which might actually be interesting, here's some very bad poetry! *cue theme music*

I'm not good at this at all, and the only way I can even get started is to have a pretty serious structure in place (imagine, a Dom who requires structure!), so this is sort of a shorter, easier bastardization of a form called a sestina.

I should mention that I wrote this while my beloved k was sleeping. One of the things I tend to fantasize about a lot is watching her sleep, just being in bed with her and seeing this immensely complex and scintillating mind find quiet restfulness.

As she sleeps

As she sleeps, the world slows to rest with her:
Stillness, peace, steady breath.
A lilting rise and fall of dreams
Mirrored in her silent slumber.
This girl, this marvelous girl, is Mine.

This girl whose mind is glass-splinter-faceted by day,
As the sun and incandescent rays
Still criss-cross at acute angles about her.
A lingering scatter of both light and thought,
Mirroring, refracting. All of it

Mere ornament to
This girl I see
As whole in sleep.
Still.
All contradictions resolved.

A long drowsy sigh is a
Mirror held up to her dreaming mind.
This girl travels fantastic realms
As I sit and watch her,
Still fascinated after hours.

Stealing kisses from her sleeping form,
All of her being reflected and focused in the
Mirror of my eyes.
This girl, this marvelous girl, is Mine
As she sleeps.

The Eye of the Beholder

Still trying to process how plain awesome this is:

My artistic k painted me a real actual painting! Like the kind with paint on a canvas and you have to mix your colors and then let it dry and stuff - that kind! And it just arrived in the mail today.

And no I wasn't aware that it was possible to fall even deeper and more madly in love with this gal, but I think I just did. More reflections on the wonderfulness that is k later, but had to say something before I explode with sheer unDomly giddiness.

In the Groove

The last few days I have been just grooving along beautifully, thanks to my alluring k. When you're in love and in such a fulfilling relationship, when you're feeling comfortable and powerful in your Domliness, when you're dazzled by the sublime wonderfulness of a certain subbie ... then everything in life just seems to flow easily.

I tried my hand a being a jazz musician for a while (and no, not with the giants of the genre you see in the photo - I ain't half that old nor one one-hundredth that good). But I played enough to know that great swinging feeling that comes when you're locked deeply in the groove with other musicians, and everything is swinging just right.

I've talked before about the Tao, and living in the action that you are performing, not being able to tell the dancer from the dance, etc. People get this feeling from lots of different things - being "on a roll" when writing, having "hot hands" in basketball, etc. I heard someone on the radio the other day talking about surfers getting this feeling when they are riding a wave perfectly.

But the reason I like the musical metaphor is that it has to do with human interaction - musicans creating something together, finding the perfect expression on the fly, improvising and floating around the beat, and locking into the "rightness" so that you simultaneously ride the groove and guide it. Thousands of unspoken subtle signals flash pre-consciously among the players and make the feeling evolve over time. What's sometimes called being "in the pocket."

I feel my amazing k and I creating this kind of rhythm and interchange just constantly lately. And just as with music, the melody lingers on. That groovy state of mind continues through the rest of my day, affecting every part of my life, to wit:

Long line of annoying people at the supermarket? -- couldn't care less.
Boss demanding impossible tasks on microsecond deadlines? -- rolls right off my back.
Bus late again? -- meh, what's it to me?
War in Iraq? -- well, ok that one still gets me, but I have such a deep store of hope-for-mankind in me now, thanks to sweet k

I am just riding through that wave and I've got the world on a string, everybody around me is my friend, the world is a colorful scintillating place. There's a touch of the infinite in everything I see and do. Being in love, and being in this profoundly grooving D/s space with my k, I feel in harmony with the whole damn universe, today and every day.

Graphical Interface

My wonderfully creative k has made another banner, this one a sort of celebration of the orgasm-control days we've had. Just so gorgeous that I had to share it. I hope that she'll keep creating these beautiful pieces that make my stomach tighten and my toes curl and um... yeah some other physical reactions that I bet you can all imagine.

You are so talented and hardworking and just wonderful, my sweet k.