Song of Songs

k sang to me tonight.

Love flooded my whole being and I exhaled it to fill the universe too.

She is entirely too sublime.

Confidence

The day of our meeting approaches (only ten days away as I write this - soon we'll be in single digits!), its pace too slow but at least steady. It goes without saying that I'm beyond excited about it. There's a certain near-frantic giddy edge to everything in life lately, and there's a sort of burgeoning potential energy in me that feels as if it could supernova at any moment and transmute me into starlight.

I should be very nervous, and I guess I am, but I find that my nervousness is always about little things. Logistical stuff like what I'll do if my flights are delayed, smaller interpersonal stuff like how I will manage to keep my hands off her body for stretches of five minutes at a time.

We are using this meeting as a sort of shake-down cruise for a future relationship; that is, we aren't considering ourselves to be a "couple" until we meet and see how our interactions mesh in the flesh. This is why the sexual, the D/s-related, and even the romantic are topics we are treading over lightly. (Well, as lightly as we possibly can - we seem to find ways to push our own boundaries remarkably often.) On paper, at least, we are extremely close friends right now and nothing more.

We are investing this meeting with a lot of significance, in other words. Trying to protect our hearts from the possibility of pain in the future if we discover a dealbreaking something about one other during this visit.

But here's the thing: I'm really not worried about that in the least.

I am utterly confident and completely assured. Of course there are unknowns about the future, but to my mind they are more in the tempo and key and texture of how we move forward. The strongly-intertwined counterpoint of our love is rock-solid and doubtless. Yes, I've thought about what my life would be like without her in it - it's a devastating scenario to say the least - but I can't seem to make myself get anxious over it.

Call it cockiness or unearned self-assurance, but in about ten days, I'll be making her Mine again, this time forever.

Single Blossoms

You know, a lot of times, being so far away from precious k makes things really difficult. When she's sick, I can't tend to her. When she is overstressed from work, I can't help lighten the load. I can't give her the comfort of holding her close when she's frightened by a violent thunderstorm. Especially now that we are holding back on the D/s-ish things until we meet in person and recommit, it's harder for me to be a strong force in her life from 2000 miles away.

But I do the small things I can. Today, there was a little crisis - I won't get into the details, but I was actually able to help, and that just makes me glow. I'll be smiling the rest of the day because of it.

Before Bed

Over the last couple of weeks, beautiful k and I have fallen into something of a routine at night. After chatting in IM for a while, she gets into bed (bedtime is two time-zones earlier for her), turns out the light, and we talk on the phone.

In many ways, this is the pinnacle of my day. We might speak on the phone at other times during the day as well, but this one is special. Just thinking about it now, my breath is growing deep and measured - it's calming and exciting in equal doses.

We usually chitchat for a little while, and I get to revel in the bell-tones of her voice and thrill to her sly drawl or rising giggle. We talk about what time she needs to get up in the morning (I usually send her a text-message to help her wake up), what tomorrow has in store for us, how we've survived the day that's passed.

Most nights I'll also sing a song to her. Something slow and usually romantic. I'm sure it comes out very garbled over the cellphone, but there's a connection that's hard to make in any other way. I think it helps us both wind down the day and slip into slumber.

Last night we started something new. I began reading a novel aloud to her, and I think we may work through it chapter by chapter over many nights. Or maybe alternate that with the singing. Or maybe she'll read some aloud to me, I don't know. But it's nice to have these possibilities.

And it's indescribably wonderful to know that the last things she hears each night before sleep are my words of love.

Clockwatcher

I installed a little countdown thingy on the left-hand side of the blog. I love being able to track progress toward a goal, but then again it bothers me that it doesn't move just a tad faster.

Anyone got any Star-Trek-style space/time continuum tricks for making that day come a little quicker? Or know a way to get word to Satan that I'd like to make some sort of deal?

Buying my plane ticket today, so that will undoubtedly help, or make it even harder to wait, or both simultaneously. Do I sound at my wit's end yet?

Tasty Treats

Well the other night I did something that I've been longing to do for months now. During our "interregnum," I never cooked for sexy k, and I missed it quite a bit. I won't get too into the whole emotional, romantic, Domly side of cooking for her (I've done that here, among other places), but suffice it to say that I am very glad that I can do this again.

I'd found a recipe for pumpkin muffins (with chocolate chips of course!) online, and couldn't resist trying it out and sending it to my hungry faraway woman, it being the right time of year for such an autumnal treat. There was a special twist to my cooking this time, though:

She got to watch me cook for her.

I set up the webcam (which previously had only been used to document other kinds of physical indulgence), and basically put on a cooking show for her. No, not "The Naked Chef," since we are keeping the overtly sexual things on hold until we meet in a few weeks, but I think still entertaining viewing. It was one step closer to cooking together, or cooking for her in her presence - at least one of which I am highly motivated to do on my visit. This is soul-satisfying in a deep way that I have a difficult time articulating here.

She received the package at lunchtime today, and I got to be in IM with her as she took a first bite, and instantly I felt our connection so strongly. And, as always happens and I'll never get used to, I felt like I'd tapped into the profound ancient magic of the earth, and glimpsed infinity for a moment. Yes, just from a bite of muffin, so sue me.

What a thrill to be able to connect with the one I love in this special way.

etwas langsammer

Glorious k and I are back in daily contact again, after a drought that was far too long. We are enjoying each other's company and reveling in how free and beautiful it feels to have no burdens weighing us down any more.

New anxieties have popped up, however, which are giving us pause and causing us to proceed more slowly now. I absolutely love k and she does me, but we are trying to become a couple again in a more organic way, rather than jumping right into the passion where we left off. This is not easy or painless, but it's necessary. We both want this to be forever, and that means going about things differently. It also means that the D/s is more a form of flirtation and a reminder of our shared past than it is an intrinsic part of our dynamic right now.

We are very slowly "coming out" to friends and family. We are sharing every possible waking moment, from the text message I send to wake her in the morning to the phone call when she's in bed at night. And the part that many of you have been waiting for: barring acts of god, we are meeting face-to-face in about a month. Just a weekend, but hopefully the first of many. I am trying hard to be blase, mature, and clinical about it - "this is just a test to see if we really get along just as well in person, and if it doesn't work out, no big deal." I think anyone who's read our postings here probably knows what a fight it is to maintain that kind of attitude. Anyway, we are mostly pretty giddy (and trepidatious) about the whole thing. We'll keep you informed as plans solidify.

For the moment, it just feels damned good to be back in a landscape with fertile soil and the potential for roads and bridges and maybe even a cottage-for-two.

Oh and this week's German title? Just for fun ... scholarly k is quite fluent in German, whereas I really only know tempo markings and things you might hear in a bad American WWII movie. By happenstance, a tempo marking was appropriate today.