Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Shifting Perspective and Outmigration

I was looking through some older posts, and noticed that they tend to fall into three categories:
  1. ruminations on online relationships
  2. ruminations on D/s relationships
  3. breathless rhapsodic outpourings of love
Well ok, most of the posts (and by the way, there have been over 100 posts now, which seems crazy) have some elements of each, and really it's rare that #3 isn't in some way involved, but those topics definitely form the bulk of what unfolds here. Today is going to be a lot of #1, I think, though once I get started typing, we'll see where things go...

As My marvellous kand I have grown closer, more intimate, more committed to each other, many of the things I originally took for granted in our relationship look quaint from this distance. I've been thinking back a bit more to the days when I first started going to chatrooms and learning about D/s, or at least it's online manifestation. While I never approached things as a "game" precisely, there was a sense that everything occuring while I typed at the computer occurred in a set-apart reality, a parallel dimension or something. I probably have some schizophrenic tendencies that made it easier to compartmentalize my online life, keep it separate from everything else.

I think this was a good and healthy thing for me, actually. At least, it was at the time. I was able to explore ideas and expressions of dominance without having to analyze myself too much. Because that wasn't really me getting aroused by the idea of bidding on a woman at a "slave auction," tying her securely to a chair, blindfolding her, and proceeding to tease and taste every inch of her helpless exposed flesh. Certainly not! That was just cyber-Irch, a totally different person.

This totally different person enjoyed the sense of community and comeraderie in the chatrooms, and got off on the hot cybersex in a big way, and tried out things never before fantasized about in real life. Then some changes started to happen ... over time, I started to relish the kind of human connection that could be made across the wires more and more. And soon the main reason I was going to the chatrooms was to experience that special closeness that comes from sharing an imaginative space with someone. Naturally this is most intense during sexual scening, and I found myself seeking out partners that really could convince me with their words that they were inhabiting the same mental landscape that I was. I wanted it to feel as real as possible - to know that the power exchange had some meaning.

Now, of course, I see this for what it was: the awakening of my own dominance, and a yearning to break out of the walled-off part of my mind. But of course that never was possible until my sweet and beautiful k came along. She was the first person I knew on the internet with whom I enjoyed sharing stories and details of our "real lives." But even with all the building trust and budding love, I tended to keep the D/s sexual part of our interactions in a semi-separate place. Some of the most intense scenes we had, like the one I described in this old post, still had a theatricality about them, but the transforming power latent in them was palpable. It was only a matter of time before the ideas of dominance that I'd toyed with in my imagination started to walk out of their ghetto and find their places in every neighborhood of my mind.

Excuse my extended metaphor (it's difficult to describe processes of the mind without resorting to them, plus I have a fondness for the metaphorical anyway). This population was set free from their walled city by the love of a woman, pure and simple. They settled in every corner of the landscape and found fertile soil, found economies of thought and emotion that were waiting for their Adam-Smith-esque invisible hand, found everything they needed to grow and prosper. I was ready. And when my love for k and hers for me toppled the walls, it was the most natural and easy thing in the world, despite all the upheaval, to welcome my dominance home where it should have belonged in the first place.

So, yes, magnificent k and I have still never met face-to-face, and our online scening is still as imaginative as ever. But it is based on a solid core of emotional truth and on pervasive modes of thought and action which inform our daily lives every waking moment (as well as into our dreams). We are sharing a life together in most aspects save geography now, and my ownership of her is true and unfettered and profound.

And somehow my love for her still grows every day.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Good Vibrations

Heh I'll let my disarming k tell you another time why that's the title of today's post. Meanwhile, there are some thing I want to say that it's very difficult for me to get a handle on.

This past week or two with my beautiful k has been one of the most glorious times in my life. I know I've said here a thousand times how words can't express the tremendous feelings I have for this woman, the changes she has made in my life, the incredible heights of love I've soared to and will never come down from.

A huge transformation, or rather maybe an unfolding, has been really finding the dominance in myself, learning what it means, and expressing it in true ways. I never thought at my age that I'd be describing a new growing and evolving phase in my life. I know that lots of submissive women like to use the caterpillar-into-butterfly metaphor to describe discovering their submission and growing in it (e.g. this butterfly or this butterfly), but I'm finding it a good way to describe this journey into dominance for me too. Though I've played at it before, and of course there have always been these tendencies in me (I see now), this has been their first real blossoming in my life. And of course it's all due to my marvellous k.

You don't read much about how Doms become Doms on blogs, with a few notable exceptions. And I have to admit that keeping it all dark and mysterious is appealing. I think might be because the whole process is perhaps too similar to how subs become subs. There's been a potential there inside me, half-dormant, making itself known in subtle ways.

I think of it this way: I've been basing my pre-k life on a set of truths about myself that I assumed were the fundamental truths. They are indeed all true things, but I sense now that in many ways they are actually overtones of a deeper fundamental pitch at the heart of me, and a large component of that pitch is my dominance. Not all of it, not even most of it, but it's there in the bass resonance of my being.

It took the sympathetic vibrations in my k to help me hear that deep basso profundo, and I'm learning to fine-tune the rest of myself into harmony with it.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Pledge Drive

Well my sensuous, surprising k and I had a new kind of experience a couple days ago. I put her on a schedule to follow throughout the day, but this time it wasn't an orgasm schedule.

It was a kneeling schedule.

Starting from the moment she awoke, and every three hours throughout the day, this amazing girl bent to her knees to express her devotion and submission to me. And without a doubt this was the Domliest day of my entire life. I was just soaring, energy surging through me constantly, wanting to take her, claim her, own her. A deep powerful roar of lust and dominance coursing in every nerve-ending. I would have glowed in the dark and I'm sure electrictity was sparking out of my fingertips.

Yes we are most definitely doing this again. I felt closer to her than ever, and felt like the two of us were tapped into some profound dark mystery of the earth or something. It felt ancient and it felt right.

Just kneeling by itself seemed a trifle perfunctory, so I also asked irresistible k to speak a few words too. Just a simple thing saying that she's mine, and really I wasn't so much interested in the precise content. It was more to focus her on the act itself and its meaning for us.

Or at least that's all it was supposed to be for until she called me on the phone and said it out loud to me. Now that I've heard the words pass from her lips and tongue, riding her modulated breath, they have a life and richness of their own.

This thing that we're calling "the pledge" for convenience right now, is undergoing transformation and editing. Yes we are overeducated hyperanalytical nerds. I don't want it to be a set-in-stone catechism-style recitation, but if this is something that she will say (with variations) over and over, it should be something that means what we want it to mean. So I've asked literary k to come up with a starting draft of this work-in-progress, which we'll refine and alter over the years.

And perhaps I'll come up with a sort of converse Dom-side statement of my commitment and devotion and control as well. That could be interesting...

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Holding and Guiding

I didn't set out to be this kind of a Dom. I always thought the "lifestyle" people were cute and interesting (some of them nutjobs, but that's the case among "mainstream" folks too). But that whole thing just wasn't for me. Far too much of a feminist and all for that to be a viable option. D/s was for the bedroom - a way of interacting separated from the quotidian. Maybe not "playacting," but a dynamic and exchange that has a certain time and place.


And I guess at heart I still hold that as true. I own sweet k only as she wishes to be owned, only in arenas wherein she is comfortable being owned. But those arenas keep broadening and encompassing more of our lives. There have been times when it's made me reflect and even worry. It's certainnly a responsibility I take very seriously.

It started out simply. Sexy k was preparing to take the GRE test for graduate school, and was having difficulty finding her focus. I offered to help, and set her up with a little schedule, urged her to stick to it, told her of my pride when she did, tsked when she did not. I think it helped her a little, though I have no doubt that she'd have managed just fine without my involvement. And I enjoyed it, feeling like I was more integrated into her daily life.

It was an interesting first step - felt mostly like a teacher/student kind of dynamic in some ways. k needed someone motivating her to do something that she knew was good for her. I had the satisfaction of seeing her grow and seeing her own pride in her accomplishment.

And things grew from there. Besides the usual kinds of offline "assignments," to some degree or another sexual, I've moved in and made my presence felt in many more areas. I find myself seeking out opportunities constantly as well. At bottom, she lives her own life of course. There are no areas of her life that she keeps hidden from me any more (and there are none I keep hidden from her either, for the record), but I don't feel the desire to assert any form of control or guidance over every single thing. Mostly, I only enter areas where I'm invited. Well, maybe with a few exceptions heh.

I don't want her to "live for me," but I want her to live with me suffusing her mind and heart. I don't want to be worshipped or idolized, but I do want my presence and my love to be felt all the time, and for my wishes to carry weight. I want to motivate and guide and help and hold her, and show her what an amazing being she is. I'm not the only one who can do this, but I know I have a special role, and I can show her things about herself that nobody else can.

There are some tasks or projects I will assign that are mostly for my own amusement and delight. There are some that are mostly to keep my stunning k in that submissive frame of mind that she loves to inhabit. There are some that are mostly to help her concentrate and focus on things that need to be done, to help her prioritize her time and energy. These last ones nearly always contain elements of the first two.

I draw fewer distinctions between the bedroom and the rest of our lives than I used to. Lately I've been growing very comfortable and confident as a Dom who asserts control in other areas. It fits me much more than I thought it would, and feels quite natural.

But the only reason this is so is because it's glorious k we're talking about. I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else, reaching into anyone else's life this way. It's a push-and-pull sort of development in our relationship - we try things, see how they feel, come back for more if we like them. At some point I'm sure we'll hit something that one of us wants but the other doesn't. Haven't found that yet, though, and I can't say I'm worried about it. I still don't consider myself to be a "D/s lifestyle" person - I just consider myself to be k's Dom, and that definition has been evolving.

I suppose that in the final analysis (and I hear you all saying "yes at long last, the final analysis! how much more of this does he expect me to read?") it's all about love, like everything else has been. I want to help her, be her partner, her supporter, her cheering fan, her mentor, her guide, her listening ear, her sympathizer, her fellow bewildered human being. And it's natural that these modes of interaction are colored by my dominance and her submission.

k is Mine today in more ways than ever in the past, and I love her with more passion and blissful transcendence than ever in the past. Holding her and guiding her are fluid powerful expressions of that love.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

There are Nights

There are nights when my love for her grows too big to be contained in my body.

There are nights when my desire for her makes my bones shudder.

There are nights when my yearning to touch her is so powerful as to become the illusion of touch itself.

There are nights when I feel her presence – her laughter, her charm, her shyness, her frustration, her need – right here in my chest, intimately with me.

There are nights when I feel my soul expand to encompass the world, merely because she is in it.

There are nights when every breath is of her breath.

There are nights when I feel her submit to me just in the way she says hello.

There are nights when I discover ecstasies curled up within ecstasies.

Last night was one of those. I looked at the fat creamy moon in the sky, and I thought: if I can experience infinity and expansion and passion so far beyond what my biochemistry should be capable of…

then what’s to keep that moon
from melting into milk
and spilling from the sky
to foam upon the sea?

Friday, August 04, 2006

Linkery

No, despite the picture, this is not a post about tying my sexy k up in chains. Nor is it about the metaphorical chains that bind us together. Nor is it about daisy chains, chain-link fences, chainsaws, Alice in Chains, Lon Chaney, le canard enchaine, chain letters, Markov chains, or (thank goodness) Dick Cheney.

Actually this is one of those unspecial posts wherein I say that I have updated our list of links over there on the left, to include a whole bunch of new blogs which I noticed have links to us (thanks for that, by the way!). Besides showing great taste in this way, they also all happen to be excellent, entertaining, reflective, well-written sexy sites. Most definitely worth your time to check out.


And just a little D/s windows humor:

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Step by Step

Well after reading my magnificent k's delicious post from the other day, I was struck anew by the power of the webcam. I really wasn't expecting the reaction she talked about so eloquently, and it did set me off on one of those emotional flights of dominance and love which are becoming ridiculously common these days. I mean, this kind of constant euphoria isn't normal is it? Certainly never has been in my life prior to this.

I've been blogging a lot lately about the visual side of things in our relationship, and I'm going to do that again today. As I've talked about a few times in the past (for example here), my sweet and beautiful k has a major sense of shyness and self-consciousness about the way she looks. I've never had a real driving, pressing need to see her, but I've considered it to be an area I wanted to work on with her. For lots of reasons, chief among them that we do plan to meet face-to-face one day, and I think that messing around with webcams is a good way to prepare for that. A real-life meeting will already have plenty of surprises and unpredictability, so why not get some of it out of the way beforehand? If I can get her past some of her self-confidence issues now, it can only make things easier later on, right? I mean, we're not in the Abelard and Eloise days any more, might as well use the technology we can.

So since she got a webcam - geez almost 6 months ago now - we've been steadily preparing and experimenting and trying out different things. I started getting on my own webcam a lot with her, and she's been messing around, taking pictures for me now and then, and getting used to how the camera works and all. Just something we've been taking slowly, and I didn't have any particular timetable in mind or anything.

Then disarming k had her "moment" looking into my eyes on the webcam, and that attuned me to it more. Yesterday, we were having a bit of a scene together, and my girl was slipping deep into her subbie self, which of course has that feedback effect of getting me all "Dommed up." As it happened, she was in a place where she needed a reminder ... not a punishment exactly, but an assertion or affirmation of our D/s relationship that's more focused than what might occur during a regular scene (though I'm not sure if any of our encounters ever count as "regular" any more). In any case, I've become fairly good at sussing out these needs in k, sensing what it is she needs before it's verbalized.

And really if I hadn't already been thinking about the webcam so recently, it wouldn't have sprung into my mind. But it did, and I ran with it, feeling confident in that way that only comes from profound trust and knowledge. When I told her that I wanted her to flip on her webcam for me and show me her face for the first time, I had no doubt that she would do it. I felt her submission so strongly, knew it in my bones.

I saw the tight lines of worry and nervousness between her brows, the discomfort as she chewed her lip, the embarrassed dark-pink flush of her cheeks. But there she was, my beautiful k. Pure and gorgeous. Brilliant and full and wondrous. Being uniquely Mine in a new way. Being herself in a new way.

It was a moment of deep resonant joy.

We talked ... well, I talked and she mostly just looked into the camera. Streams of words pouring from me in some fruitless attempt to express the multifold oceanic splendor of her. I'm not even going to try and capture what she looked like, because (though she is stunningly beautiful) that wasn't exactly the point. Of course I did wax rhapsodic about it at the time, but this isn't the place for that

I'm also not going to talk about that vital immediacy of watching her facial expressions change. I'll avoid the topic of how it heightened my (already burgeoning) desire to be with her in the flesh. All these things I'll put in other posts, I'm sure.

Today I want to celebrate that my suprising and magical k crossed another threshold with me. The tension in her face faded bit by bit, and I saw so much: her wonder at her own bravery, her renoucing of her own fears, her realization of the depth of her submission. I saw a surrender in her that filled me with sparkling emotional energy. I saw a love in her that took my breath away and made every molecule in the universe shudder for a moment. Wherever you were on monday at mid-day, I'm sure you felt it too. I know it traveled outward from some internet node where our eyes "met" ... radiating and expanding in waves and complex manifolds of elation. I know it was so powerful that everyone in the world must have felt it, if only for a heartbeat. Do you remember a stirring in the blood? a quaking in the air?

That was one-ten millionth of what I felt. I love this woman, heart, soul, mind, and skin.