Patience

When I can't be with my extraordinary k, and a whole day can go by without being able to exchange words, I'm thrown out of sorts in many ways. There's the unfulfilled-ness of being out of touch with the one I love. There's the incompleteness of my dominance sort of hanging out in thin air without her complimentary submission. There's just plain old loneliness.

It helps if I think of my patience as a gift that I'm giving her - something that I'm actively doing (you know how us Dommy types don't like to feel passive and helpless).

I've always been a patient person in most things, but when it comes to k, it's not easy. My internal rhythms are all mixed up with hers now, so when we're not synced up, I find myself foundering, trying to find that beat again. It's a syncopation we can only create together.

So right now I'm just waiting for that downbeat.

Fantasy and Reality

My sensational k and I have often shared different fantasies we've had. Some typical, some not so typical, the usual mixed bag I guess. I've got a stockpile of scenarios we might roleplay some day for fun - she has a thing for swaggering cowboys, I have a thing for hardboiled film-noir dames (see pictures).

And as I've remarked here many times, my first experiences with D/s were in that fantasy category as well. I've played at it in real life, but it's never been more than spice added to an encounter. The online chatroom communities were also just fantasy settings for me for the most part. I mean, how can you take seriously any place where someone named something like "HarshDestructiveMaster19" can say things like "which of you sluts is gonna crawl to my cock and suck all over it with your clit?" (actual chatroom quote which I will never forget)

An ongoing assignment I've given k is to write up for me one of her fantasies each week. Whether it's two sentences or something more involved, vague or detailed. And in return I write out one of my own. It's a fun exercise, but I've noticed something interesting lately: after the first couple of months, the fantasies that we shared with each other started to change, from the wild role-playing and deep-dark-secret kind into more attainable real-life scenarios. Nowadays, my greatest fantasies are all centered around her, and really pretty much all of them are about things that we will do together when we are finally together in the flesh.

My imaginative life is completely focused on the real person that my succulent k is, not some made-up submissive archetype. This carries over to when we scene in IM or on the phone as well -- I'm really not all that interested in pretending we are, say, having a midnight tryst in the Trevi Fountain or catching fireflies by the Kamo River. I appreciate the fun and romance of that truly, but I don't need it and don't pursue it. I'm much more interested in imagining us together in a real place - usually her bedroom or mine, maybe a car or a hotel room. That can add something semi-tangible to what we are sharing sometimes, but really the trappings aren't what it's about. Really all I care about is the intense dynamic between us, the fluid and earthy power of our shared love.

I dream of being with her constantly. That's all the romance I need.

Everything and More

In those last two posts, my unerringly steadfast k expressed some powerful and profound emotions. Desires, cravings, and feelings that are the yin/yang mirror-image of mine. It never fails to stun me just how in tune we are with each other’s needs, and how we complement each other so effortlessly and beautifully, completing the circle. What I give, she takes. What she gives, I take.

I wanted to try and put into words here something about what it means when we talk about “everything.” Obviously, since we live apart, it’s not possible to share every moment together in the sweet physical proximity of lovers. Even if we did live together, there are jobs and studies and priorities and life-goals and activities and families and friends and illnesses and rent and taxes and laundry. Not everything we do would be done together in the strictest sense. (Goodness knows I’ve dreamed incessantly about what it would be like to truly build a life together with this woman I love, but it’s not in the cards for the near future anyway, due to some of the items towards the beginning of that list.) But even when we are not doing something as a couple, we want the sense of being a couple, that we form some sort of “unit” together.

More than that, I want to be present in her at all times, to color her thoughts, to be the first person she tells important things to, to be the one she discusses decisions with (from what’s for lunch to what’s the meaning of life), to help with problems and cheer on her triumphs. I want to be the “one” for her as she is the one for me.

Deeper still than that, I want my presence in her life to be that of her Dom. To guide and foster and cultivate and nourish and control. To be strength she can tap. To be devotion she can rely on. To be force she cannot resist. To lift, to expand, to arouse, to amuse, to empower, to restrict. To be love she cannot shake away.

The meaning of “everything” has evolved and shifted over time for us, and it will continue to change. It has always meant giving as much as we can possibly give to each other, and as walls crumble and worlds open, possibilities expand. I think this has been particularly true on k’s end, where shyness and an unfounded feeling of not deserving love have been receding slowly.

This “giving everything” is expressed in a lot of blogs and forums and chatrooms, but nearly always from the point of view of the sub. From the Dom side of the equation, it has just as much deep down, core-of-the-earth meaning, but it’s manifested differently.

As my wonderful k’s Dom, I give myself over to her as well. My foibles and weaknesses and failings are ever thrown into sharp relief, and correctives for such (while always inspired by k) must come from within me. Times that I haven’t been there when she needed me cause painful pangs even months later. There are frustrating, mind-numbing, confidence-crumbling moments of self-doubt, luckily all fleeting ones.

I can sympathize to large extent what it must mean for my k to “give everything” to me. There’s a monumental level of trust required, a huge investment of ego and self-image into the words and deeds of one person, and really just an emotional free-fall that requires untold reserves of bravery and strength. Now think about it from the my angle – the enormous responsibility to care for and cherish k, to guide and steer her, to have absolute rock-solid conviction that her life is made better by my presence and my dominance. She is placing so much in my hands. While my k is generous and forgiving, this is still an undertaking that is not to be shouldered lightly.

It’s all a bit scary at times, to tell you the truth. But I have a central tonic pitch to refer to in myself now, which is this heady mélange of love and dominance where luscious k is concerned. I know I may disappoint her from time to time, but there’s a core confidence that this is the way we are best together, as Dom and sub - that intrinsic parts of our personalities are locked together in this unique way. That we are both stronger and better and more true, we are both uncompromisingly right when we are on this path.

I am with my k for the long haul. I dominate her in ways I never thought possible. I demand everything and give everything in return. I love her with the sublime radiance of ten thousand blazing suns and with the twinkling sidelong reflection of moonlight in my eye. This is the way I choose to be. And only with her.

More

I often tell Irch, of the aching desire in me for more. At times it seems selfish, but i am constantly craving more, more, more. This weekend sparked in me an intensity for more which i hadn't felt previously. This desire for more has been so overwhelming recently, it is all i have been able to think about.

I want more of the Man who owns me, i want more time with Him, i want more time to tell Him that i love Him, that i want nothing more than to serve Him and please Him anyway i possibly can. And there is just never enough time. My desire for Him just consumes me until there is nothing left, but the aching need to surrender and serve.

I can never tell Him enough, how much i love Him, how much i desire Him, how much i need to submit to Him, how i live to serve and please Him. I need more of Him to show Him each of these things again and again because i could never have enough of Him.

I want more of You Master, i desire more of You, i need more of You. More.

Everything

When it comes to my emotions i am very closed off. I am so very guarded and don't often let anyone in past the walls i've built up around myself. Just a defense mechanism really, i've been hurt far to often to let people in too easily. I even keep my best friends at a distance so i won't have to worry about being hurt again.

Funny the way hurt works, when our physical body is wounded it will sometimes shut down the nerves near the wound to protect the body from further injury and pain. However, in this attempt to guard and protect itself the body also closes itself off to any pleasure it might otherwise receive. The mind works in that way as well. I have built up my walls so very high that, in my attempt to keep myself from further pain, i often shut myself off from greater pleasure. This is not to say i am some unfeeling wretch. But i do tend to keep my guard up in situations where i may have missed out on some pleasure i may have otherwise received.

Recently, i had a break down. One of my walls cracked from the strain of keeping so much inside and it was like the dam had been unleashed. Yes it was what i needed at the time, and yes i feel so much better after the fact. But had i not kept my walls up in that situation i need not have been under that emotional duress in the first place.

When Irch first asked me to be His, i don't think i fully comprehended to what extent i would actually be owned. Yes, i said He owned me completely, and yet there were parts of me that i kept hidden. I pulled things in behind my walls from the very Man who should own even those things which i dislike about myself. There should be no walls between us, no strain against the walls of my mind, and nothing held back from the Man i gave myself to.

Though it wasn't until recently that i fully understood what that meant. Over the past year i have opened myself up to Irch more than i have to anyone ever. I've overcome many obstacles which stood between us from the beginning and we are ever pushing through new barriers each day. And yet i still held back parts of myself.

Lucky for me, Irch told me simply that everything i am is His, those things we've pushed through already, and those things which part of me feels the need to hold on to. Everything. And while my walls may not have simply disappeared over night after He told me i wasn't allowed to hold things in the way i had done before. I feel them crumbling, slowly wearing away and awakening my heart and soul to all the new sensations which are waiting for me. It may be painful at times, to bare myself naked down to my soul, but think of all the pleasure that i would be missing out on if i didn't.

Even a few moments of pleasure is worth letting go of the past and pushing forward to the future.

Politics of Power Exchange

So I wrote about this briefly once before, but felt it was time to delve in a little more deeply. Before I get into this, let me be perfectly clear: this is based on completely unscientific observation, merely my limited experience online. I'm not part of any "real-life" BDSM community, so what I've seen is a narrow view. And I know there are a million exceptions to the rule, so please don't think I'm trying to cover everyone with the same blanket here. But still...

The great majority of D/s-interested Americans that I've met online have also expressed conservative political views. (The opposite seems generally the case for Europeans and others, but let's leave that aside for the moment...) This goes for the Doms as well as the subs, and - so far as I can tell online - doesn't correspond to the usual ethnicity/gender/class/culture/geography breakdowns I usually associate with people's place on the political spectrum.

On its face, I suppose this seems a "duh" observation. In the US at least, conservatives use phrases like "law and order," "family values," "three strikes and you're out," "personal responsibility," etc., to promote a (dare I say Confucian?) view of society based on structure and rules, wherein authority is generally trusted, and there are predictable consequences for actions. In some circles, there is a fundamentalist-Christian twist that takes its societal model from certain Old Testament passages. I'm oversimplifying here, of course, but the point is that I think there is a correlation between the way many of these conservative D/s folks see the greater workings of society, and the way they see interpersonal relationships.

My point here is not to stir up political debate of one kind or another, or to take a scalpel and pick apart my broad definitions. My point is to ask anyone reading what this is all about.

I am on the radical-liberal end of the political spectrum on 99% of issues. Am I some kind of hypocrite for embracing this wonderful D/s with k? I certainly don't think the relationship we have is "better" or "more natural" than anyone else's, and I don't feel any cognitive dissonance about how I relate to her vs. how I relate to the world as a political animal.

As a matter of fact, the conservative views espoused by my k have given me pause on more than one occasion. If she were in this D/s relationship with me because this is the "proper" way for men and women to interact, or because of any reason beyond her own desire and personal choice, it would lose a whole lot of meaning for me. If she didn't feel free to choose submission, and in particular to choose submission to me, I'd have to rethink the whole thing. Luckily, I am confident that this isn't the case, but there were times in the past that I wasn't so sure.

So what do you all think?

Time Flies

My splendid k and I have been in this frustrating place lately. The time I have available to spend with her has been a lot less the past few weeks, and her own schedule has been almost as hectic. While we still remain in touch through the day, on and off, sometimes ten or twelve hours might go by with no word from either of us.

I find this quite depressing.

But it's a different "mode" of melancholy now than it was in the past.

Last Christmas, for example, my peerless k was away for over a week, with no internet, and this was before we were really doing the phone & text thing in the near-casual way we do today (not that a phone conversation with her is ever casual - always frought with buzzing excitement and charged with erotic longing). This time wasn't much fun, but of course I had plenty of holiday distractions myself, and at the time we were still "feeling each other out" in a way, I think - trying to establish what this shared love meant. How far each of us was willing to tumble for the other. So it wasn't the world's most awful thing to endure, missing her then. It was just a matter of waiting things out so we could begin anew.

During our "march madness" time, there was another long period wherein our conversations were brief and scattered. This one was a lot more difficult for me, because there were a lot of unanswered questions and swords of Damocles seemed to be hanging everywhere. I felt, deep down, that when the stretch of time was over, everything was going to be alright and we'd emerge stronger and better than before, but it was still a time of turmoil and uncertainty. And every time we were able to snatch a few minutes together, the strain was palpable on both sides. Thank goodness that is all past and evaporated and gone.

Today, my love for her is stronger and more all-encompassing than ever, and I am confident and blood-sure of her love in return. The D/s dynamic we have keeps developing and expanding, and my ownership of her has never been more meaningful, steadfast, and profound. When I miss her today, it's a bubbling roiling kind of ache, often manifesting itself physically. My heart yearns and I feel incomplete, craving that sense of unbroken pefection that comes from being with her.

Because of the deep intrinsic connection we have, my emotions tend to swing more wildly when I'm unable to talk to her often. My need for her is greater than it has ever been. But at the same time, that sharp pang is softened by what it grows from. There's a solid unassailable bedrock of love beneath everything - that makes missing her more intense, but it also gives it a blunter edge, a muted timbre. When this time passes, there is not a shred of doubt that we will be just as intimate and intoxicated with each other as always.

She is Mine forever now, and when that kind of delirious infinity stretches before me, it's so much easier to bear a temporary lack of contact.

Of course, when we meet in person someday, this will all get much more complicated. Stay tuned for that.

Another Season, Another Reason...

One year ago today, I somehow convinced the sweetest, most wonderful person I've ever known that her life would be improved by forming some sort of commitment with me. At the time, I had known her for a few years, I'd been infatuated with her for over a year, and we had only started sharing important details about our offline lives maybe six months prior. I don't really know exactly what I expected out of the relationship - on the surface, it was just an online "collar," which only meant that we weren't going to cyber with anyone else and would be recognized as a couple in the chatrooms we visited.

Of course, those chatrooms were all but nonexistent by that time, so really what was the point of putting her name next to mine in little curly brackets on my MSN profile? Deep down I knew that I was having much stronger feelings for her. Feelings that I was trying to keep in check for the most part, because frankly they were things I wasn't sure I wanted to face. Now of course I recognize that there were two intertwined strands: 1. I was falling for her hard, and 2. my dominance was knocking at the door.

I'm not going to make this another retrospective nostalgic post by glossing our history together yet again. The blog archive speaks for itself fairly well (I started this blog a few days after we became a couple). Suffice it to say that from a humble starting place, transcendent and universe-altering things developed. We tended our austere and encapsulated zen garden, and awoke one day to find a cherry tree fully grown and in blossom at its center. Then a stand of trees. Then a grove far overflowing the bounds of the garden. Then the landscape was flooded with the trees as far as the eye could see, all continually blossoming. Perpetual, ubiquitous spring.

Since it has been a full year, the changing of the seasons has been on my mind a lot of late. In some climates and some years, there are sharp demarcations between one season and the next, but for the most part I'm used to a gradual ebb and flow, like the changing of the tides. Some of the changes my magnificent woman and I have been through have been deliriously sudden, but most have been gradual and accumulative. And every single shift has felt so natural and perfect and obvious and right.

We are an online couple, in a long-distance relationship. We will meet face-to-face one day, hopefully sooner rather than later. But despite the distance (I know in my heart it's "despite," not "because of," so you'll just have to trust me), this is the most fulfilling, beautiful, magical time in my life. I could drain all the adjectives out of the dictionary and never express a fraction of what I feel for my k.

My k. My sweet effervescent disarming melodious k. I love you darlin, from the surface of my skin to the marrow of my bones. Every cell in my body sings your name. The very fact that brilliant scintillating colorful you would surrender all that you are to me - and that I not only welcome it but demand it - that can make me shudder so profoundly that I wonder if the world has tilted on its axis.

Happy anniversary, to the girl of my dreams and the love of my life.