Well my glorious k is finally back on her feet after an illness that really just knocked her out of commission for several days. She actually ended up taking a trip to the doctor for meds that finally brought her out of utter misery. So whew, very glad that whole episode is over and done with.
But there's something that happened during those few days that surprised me, in fact I'm still kind of floored by it.
It should come as no surprise that, being in a long-distance relationship as we are, a huge part of my mental energy is devoted to fantasies of touching her. I imagine the warm supple resilience of her flesh, its soft tenderness under my coarse hands, and of course the feminine sensuality of her lips against mine. And sometimes, when caught up in a scene with her, my senses get so full that it's as if I truly am in contact with her.
So yes, most (but not all) of my thoughts in that direction are sexual in some way. Or if they don't start out that way, they certainly have a tendency to end up there. But the other night, I was talking to poor wretchedly-sick k on the phone, and it was the strongest, most intense feeling of longing for physical contact that I've ever experienced.
It went far beyond any sexual or sensual cravings I've had in the past - I was literally aching to touch her, specifically to hold her in my arms and try to offer some comfort. It was just fundamentally wrong that I was so far away from her. Like fighting gravity. I was incomplete as a human being, like a piece of me had been carved out in the shape of her. My thought process went past the biological and emotional, into something like a moral sphere - being alongside her was right, and all the barriers in the way were wrong.
I've never come quite so close to buying a plane ticket and calling in sick to work.
The feeling has faded somewhat since that intense episode, but the ghost of it lingers in memory. I know now that, no matter how fulfilling and ecstatic and beautiful our long-distance love is, I will need to touch her one day to feel like I have lived. Inevitable.
2 comments:
I've been wondering when you would come to that conclusion. I think more than a few of your readers have thought it was inevitable for some time. You two have such a beautiful love and passion for one another :)
I'm finally seeing the deep wisdom in that, Taylor. I'm still not in a particular rush (individual powerful temptations notwithstanding), but I do see a face-to-face r/l meeting as something inevitable now.
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