Error Correction

This is my first D/s relationship, and really I'm very new at being a Dom outside the bedroom. I've also made no secret of the fact that I am a human being (turns out all Doms are - crazy, I know). So all in all it should come as no surprise that I make mistakes.

The mistake I made yesterday wasn't anything really terrible, but since I tend to share all my triumphs and successes here, I figured I would share the less-than-perfect stuff too. Oh you lucky lucky readers!


So the set-up: yesterday for the first time since this day, I tried putting my alluring and marvellous k on an orgasm schedule again. She had had a weekend that was rather frustrating and difficult, and the times when we'd been together I felt her falling so deeply into subspace (that is, into me, and god I'll never get used to the tremendous feeling of that). I thought, rightly, that she needed a full day in continuous submission, to put the problems she had into perspective. Hence the schedule.

It was working very well for her, I believe. We were able to talk about her frustrations and such in between her appointed times without the anxiety getting to her. She was laughing and having fun and rising out of that spiral of helplessness. At the same time, it goes without saying that it was getting me in that soaring kinetic king-of-the-world headspace that I'm starting to grow addicted to as well.

And that was the start of my mistake.

I was riding high on the whole Dom experience. So high that, when my wonderful gal texted me to say that it had been impossible for her to meet her mid-afternoon "deadline," I reacted in a way I regret.

I suppose that what I did wasn't really so bad. I texted her back something cryptic and Tsk-Tsk-Disappointed-Dom-sounding, and left her instructions for a mild kind of punishment to carry out for having missed the time. But it was the motivation for it that made me grimace at myself in retrospect.

You see, I realized after a time that I had selfish reasons for it. When she missed the time, I felt myself in danger of falling out of that delirious Dommish headspace, and I wanted to preserve it, even if it meant making the woman I love do something she really dislikes. In fact, I think I was casting about for ideas of things that I knew she'd be upset to do, because that gave me a (short-lived) rush of power. The punishment I chose wasn't really so bad, but I found myself sort of relishing the idea that my precious k would be uncomfortable, and maybe a little scared to find out what instructions I'd given her. Again, these reactions weren't topmost in my mind, but they were definitely there, and I'm not exactly proud of them.

That's really not who I am or who I want to be, as a Dom or as a plain old homo sapien. The overarching melody of love in our relationship was muted for a little while, and some darker music came to the fore. The realization that I'd let that happen, for firvolous selfish reasons, brought me crashing out of that Domspace pretty hard.

Hours after I'd first registered my disappointment and set the punishment for it, I recanted. And don't think that a lot of thought didn't go into that as well ... Is it better to just let the punishment stand? Do I want to be a wishy-washy Dom? Will k lose the deep submissive feeling she was enjoying so much? Am I being selfish yet again by changing things on my own whims, for my own peace of mind?

In the end, I'm convinced it was the right thing to do. I love my sweet, steadfast, dedicated, generous k more than anything. The D/s is a very important and intrinsic aspect of that love, but not the whole of it. I learned a little something about myself yesterday. I learn more about myself and the world every day since falling in love with this beautiful girl.

Simple Pleasures

Sometimes the silliest, simplest things bring me such pleasure. My adorable k went to the movies today (Pirates of the Caribbean, naturally - see number 16 of the Zero Things About Me list), and texted me from her cell phone as she waited in line, bought tickets, got snacks, enjoyed the previews. I felt like I was there with her, absorbing her excitement about the event. We aren't quite dorky enough to go see the same movie at the same time in theaters 2000 miles apart, but give us time ... there are depths of dorkiness yet to be plumbed.

I am so startlingly and exuberantly in love with my woman. I can't wait for the day when we can enjoy a movie together (or make out like teenagers during the whole show, even better). Until then, I get to share the experience in the best way I can.

Cyberlife

So every once in a while, cybersex (and long-distance communication with IM in general) surprises me. Turns out it's a very flexible medium, and if you're someone with a literary bent, like myself or my erudite k, it can be a pretty satisfying alternative to a face-to-face encounter. Different, to be sure, but not altogether different, and possessing unique charms of its own.

I've started reading some media-critique literature lately, and I guess the idea of modes of communication, and how they affect the content of messages communicated, are on my mind a lot. So it's only natural that my brain starts inquiring about how the IM medium alters, limits, expands, amplifies, skews, and distorts certain kinds of ideas and communications, compared with say the telephone or a face-to-face interaction. But rather than bore everyone with theory, here are a couple of examples from yesterday...

My k was bratting out a bit. That in itself is something that I know would be an altogether different experience in real-life than in an IM window of course, but the mental landscape travelled is much the same. In any case, she was trying to get a certain kind of attention from me, using what I made clear were inappropriate methods, and I wasn't having any of it yesterday afternoon. For a while, we locked into what amounted to a staring contest. Which, yeah, you wouldn't think would work with people typing words back and forth on a screen. But damned if it didn't. I was right there, staring my gal down, and I felt the tension build between us, the atmosphere grow charged, brought her attention into a special kind of focus, and ultimately felt her willful defiance disintegrate.

All in all, it went on longer than a real staring contest possibly could, and had an element of theatricality about it that would have been laughable-to-impossible in real life. Of course there would have been other compensating factors in real life, but this experience had its own unique dynamic.

Once the staring contest was over, we proceeded to a bit of a spanking scene. Here's where things get muddy and complex and really interesting. You see, my poor k actually busted her delightful tailbone on a camping trip last weekend. The cross-pollination between the real and the online being so strong these past months, I actually have been avoiding giving her sexy butt as much attention (aggressive or otherwise) that I normally do. Yes it's strange that I had to mentally overcome this obstacle of not wanting to hurt my gal and actively convince myself that I wouldn't do any permanent damage by typing words about spanking her ass. That's what I did though, and the whole emotional process of the spanking and its aftermath was exactly we both needed at the time.

Funny to think that it's something that wouldn't have been possible in an actual real-life encounter. What I could have done as a satisfying substitute in a face-to-face (or hand-to-tush) situation is an interesting notion to ponder. Nothing puts the power dynamic between us into such sharp relief as a spanking, and it would have been disappointing indeed to have that option removed. Could we have sat at computers on opposite sides of a room and played out the scene in cyber anyway, despite the close proximity of the aching ass in question? Ridiculous as that seems, I could almost see it working. More likely, though, I'd have found another way to pull her into my sphere, open her up again to her own submission, allay her fears, put her in touch with the beautiful core of herself, and enfold her in my love.

Such is the relationship between us, whether online or off.

Up Close and Personal

So it's been a while now since the day I put my tremendous k on an "orgasm schedule," and I've been meaning to write about it in the intervening time ... At first I was a bit overwhelmed by the whole experience and had difficulty wrapping my head around what it all meant to me. Then some crazy real-life family emergencies intervened. So now here I am almost two weeks later finally trying to put my reactions into words. It will be a bit easier now, but not by much.

The impetus for the whole enterprise came from the fact that beautiful k is deliciously orgasmic. On the right day, in the right mood, she will cum and cum and cum, and it's one of the many aspects of her physicality that I cherish. I love that the sweet celebration of life that is an orgasm is within easy reach for her (and yeah I guess maybe I'm a bit in awe of the whole thing to, not to say jealous). I've never once in the past kept her from cumming whenever she wanted, or told her she had to do so at a certain moment. Well sure once in a while, in the heat of a scene I may cajole her to hold back and prolong the on-the-edge feeling, or I may use the old "cum for me now" to reinforce my dominance and her submission, but really it's always been in the service of maximizing pleasure, and riding through the improvisatory push-and-pull landscape of arousal.

This day was quite different.

k has already posted about all mechanics and details, so I won't reiterate. My feeling going into the "project" was that it would be fun for both of us, an experiment, a little power-surge for me, some little subbed-out moments for her, and just a frivolous way to mark time during the day. Really I wasn't prepared for how profoundly it affected me.

And I really wish I had the words to describe the rush of energy that coursed through me the whole day. I guess the easiest way to put it is to say that I had that transcendent, charged thrum running through me - the one I get when experiencing the most intense domination of k - except that it lasted all day without pause. Every moment, every breath, was filled with my assertion and her acquiescence. It was never background: always right in my face, arcing through my brain, singing through my veins. It was actually rather exhausting by the end of the day, not that I'm complaining in the least mind you, actively focusing like that.

So that in itself was just an outstanding unique glorious experience, truly perfect in every way. But as usual, my k managed to lift it higher into a realm of sublimity, and this is where it gets achingly beautiful for me.

At some point in the evening, we were texting back and forth, talking about all those D/s feelings we were experiencing, and also just chatting about this and that as we do. At some point, I was teasing her about something (I forget what right now), and she came back at me with one of her witty ripostes: "butthead :P"

And it was like the stars snapped into a new alignment or something, I swear. I suddenly had a new perspective on the day, my dominance, her submission, everything. It wasn't a game we were playing, there was no distance between us, we weren't pretending to be different people. Most wonderfully, my beloved k was not "acting the part" of a sub, but simply being herself. What an overwhelming heart-stopping realization. I mean, I've always known it, but to have it so obvious and unavoidable ... here was this brilliant, shining, complex, sassy-tending-to-bratty woman I love, and she was unmistakably the same woman who had been submitting to me all day, offering herself to my control, altering the natural rhythms of her body and mind to the rhythms I dictated.

There's just no hiding from the fact that she loves me and submits to me lovingly. It's written in mile-high letters on the horizon. I love her and feel true ownership of her more than I ever have, which is a joyous and chest-expanding and life-altering thing. My k was present in my heart in a new way that day and ever since.

Who knew that "butthead" was a magic word?

Just curious

Do you know how wonderful it is to listen to your Master cum? To hear Him build up to that peak, to reach that edge and know that He's going to explode at any moment. And then to hear every gasp and moan as He falls over that edge, as He gives You all that hot cum you've been craving for weeks.

Do you know how earth shatteringly amazing it is to know that a Man lusts after you that much, that He has to cum in you right then? To feel time stop at that moment you feel everything in Him unwind and unravel as He fills you so completely, so totally that there is no way anything else in this world could ever fill you in the same way.

Do you know how utterly fantastic it is to hear His voice tremble and shake after He's filled you? To know that you've done your job, you've served and pleased your Man, and you can hear it in His voice afterwards. To feel full not only physically, but complete in everything that you are knowing that you've made pleased Him once more.

God i am so in love with Him.

On Time

Yesterday Irch decided that He would like to control the amount and time of each of my orgasms throughout the day. He had suggested the idea the previous week, and i thought it sounded interesting and something that could potentially be a lot of fun for us both.

So when i woke up yesterday morning, i had a few texts from Irch as i do most mornings and the first said that i was to cum an hour from the time i'd read the note. So i looked at the clock, that would be at 11:50 am. I automatically felt that familiar pull in the pit of my stomach and smiled to myself about what would be happening in an hour. He and i talked for a while too during that time, just being silly and joking with each other, talking about the assignment for the day.

It was strange how easily i slipped into this assignment, i felt myself watching the clock eagerly anticipating the one hour mark. My whole body was humming with anticipation and excitement, especially as the clock ticked down. It was almost strange how my body changed with the count down as well, to go from laughing and playing with Irch to suddenly being very wet and horny is something i don't experience all that often.

After this first time i came back and sent Irch a text letting Him know that i'd completed my first scheduled orgasm and really enjoyed it. He set me another time and i set out to start my day. I had to run around town and do a few things so i was a little worried about what i would do if i were out and the time came. Well as it turns out i was out when 4pm rolled around and so after a little inner debate i hid myself in a public restroom and had the quietest orgasm of my life. And for the record it is so hard to cum when there are people walking around you just feet away.

I sent Him another text to let Him know i'd finished my second orgasm of the day and went about my errand running. Later in the day He sent me another text to let me know the next scheduled time at 8pm. Lucky for me i got home at 7:50 so i had just enough time to hide myself in my room away from all my roommates and have yet another explosive orgasm. Sent off another text and then later received another time at 11pm. And then once more as many time as i'd like before i went to bed, and then once more before i got out of bed in the morning.

I think the most surprising thing about all of this was the connection i felt all day. Normally i feel Irch with me all the time, but usually He is a quiet whisper in my ear, a reassuring embrace when i need it, or a guiding hand. Yesterday though He was loud and right there with me throughout the entire day. He was holding me tight pushing and pulling in any direction He wanted me to go and i had no choice but to follow. I was constantly reminded of Him every time my eyes passed over my watch or i saw a clock or even had passing thoughts about the time. You'd be surprised how many clocks there are around these days.

I never expected i could feel so entirely connected to Him like that, it was completely unexpected and took me completely by surprise. I thought this would just be something fun for us to try, and be like the people in some of those stories you read about but it was so much more than that. To be able to just lose myself in Him over and over again is just wonderfully sublime. I love experiencing new and exciting things with Him day after day, and this was just one more thing that i loved being able to share with Him.

And at the end of the day it only made it better to hear how much it had also affected Irch too, just thinking about it makes my stomach pull with desire, my thighs clench with lust, and my heart sing with love. I never thought i could love someone this much, and yet here i am reaching new levels of love each day. I swear i could fly if He wanted me to.

Beautiful Banner

Yes, that's my alarmingly-brilliant and stunningly-artistic k who did that luscious banner you now see above.

Amazing and multi-talented, she is. Lucky Dom, I am.



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On a somber note: some fool hacked and wiped out Magdalena's wonderful Myths and Metawhores site. Hoping she gets back on her cyber-feet soon!