End

I've ended things with wonderful k. Rather abruptly. I've hurt her, like I've hurt her many times in the past, but this time far worse. I love her very much, always will, but I've discovered that I'm just not emotionally able to hold up a long-distance relationship, despite the bond we have shared, despite all she has sacrificed for me, and despite my own best efforts. It's my failing and it's unfair to her. It's also (in my opinion) the only path to take.

I don't want this to be any more dramatic than it has to be, so I will just say goodbye and thank you to all.

Aching and Longing

This isn't a "real" post, just me expressing some sadness and frustration. The past 5-6 days, it's been hard for sweet k and I to have the time together that we want. I've been busy, she's been busy, and our schedules just haven't been aligning right. Consequently I miss her in a dire way lately - something more deep and desperate than usual. It hurts to be apart.

And that makes my mind and heart spiral off into dark places they don't want to go. I know this will all be ok soon. It's just a hiccup in the overall flow, but at the same time I feel on tenterhooks at every moment, and that's not a feeling I like.

Just needed to vent a little here. I'm a strong grown-up and I can survive a little longing like this. Thanks for listening all, and k I love you all the stars in the sky.

Just Before Sleeping

The hour or so just before going to sleep has become the center of my day in many ways. I'm really quite addicted to spending that time on the phone with unique and smile-inducing k.

On an average day, we'll send text a hundred or so text messages back and forth, maybe chat on the phone briefly, talk on IM a while, use the webcam now and then. But lately, in my mind, that's all become a prelude to that center of gravity at the end of the day, when we get into our respective beds a couple thousand miles apart and really spend time together.

The contradictions of the day all seem to resolve at that moment, any misunderstandings between us are settled, the long day recedes, we are as close as we can be, and in a way we are outside the march of time for a while. It's a time just for k and I, with no other distractions (well, last night there was a loud thunderstorm in her part of the world, but that's about as far as the distractions go).

Most nights we just talk for a good long while - seems there's always something else to talk about with her and our conversations never run dry. As often as not, that leads to some kind of phone play. Whether it does or doesn't, I'll usually read something to her next - right now it's a chapter (sometimes two) of a novel we are working our way through. Then I'll sing to her, tell her I love her, remind her that she's mine, and we go to sleep.

My dreams are often full of her presence, unsurprisingly. I like to think that our special time on the phone keeps reverberating for through my sleep, and still echoes into the morning. The rhythm of my day finds its downbeat, syncopations coalesce, and I am "on the one" every night on the phone with my girl.