Here's That Rainy Day

Here's that Rainy Day written by Jimmy Van Heusen and Johnny Burke.

Oh yes I do moping very well. Just an mp3 - the link will expire around April 6.

And just so you know - this is plain awful, and I'm not kidding in the least. It's only here because sometimes I can't say things so well with words, so yeah, songblogging, the next big trend. Don't say I didn't warn ya!

World Cloud

While we're idling, here's a so-called "word cloud" of this very blog, which says a lot about the sort of stuff often talked about here. I think the most telling bit is the word "yeah."

thanks snapshirts for this cool concept!

still in limbo

Thanks for bearing with me, devoted reading public! We're still in the "waiting place" right now, but cross your fingers. Shouldn't be too much longer till k and I have got stuff sorted, settled, figured out to some degree. And this space will be interesting again (or interesting for the first time, depending on your point of view).

Summer Soft

Not to be all high school about everything, but yeah I'm gonna quote some song lyrics, believe it or not:

Morning rain gently plays her rhythmns on your window pane
Giving you no clue of when she plans to change
To bring rain or sunshine
And so you wait to see what she’ll do
Is it sun or rain for you
But it breaks your heart in two
When you find it’s october
And she’s gone...

I thought about these lyrics, which are from an old Stevie Wonder tune, as I walked outside this afternoon. There was the most gentle spring rain falling, a cool gray day that makes you think of lines by Byron and Raymond Chandler and Stevie Wonder and other romantics.

I've written here before about hard, torrential rain. But this was just the tenderest, most unassuming rain - just enough downward vector that it couldn't be called mist or fog, but still it barely existed as it fell to my skin. As if it were ever-so-slightly retarding the pull of gravity, but giving in at the last moment.

I looked around and saw that, just like the hard rain, it was everywhere: a soft amorphous wet body enveloping all the landscape. Ubiquitous and subtle. It bridged earth and sky in the most fluid and graceful way. A liquid whisper.

It was in so many ways the touch of k's mouth to mine.

In Limbo

Hello valued readers,

My apologies for not posting here for a while. Ten days used to be an average length of time between posts, but now it seems a rather long stretch. I'm just going through a bit of personal stuff at the moment, but I'll be back posting soon, I'm sure. Thanks for bearing with me!

Take a Haiku

Alrighty, well with nothing better to do today, I'm indulging in some poetry, specifically the mini-me of the poetry world: the haiku.

You all know how it works. three lines. 5 syllables - 7 syllables - 5 syllables. That's pretty much it, except it's sometimes nice to have some kind of a surprise turn in it or something. These will be D/s - related haiku, and at the end I'm gonna tag a few people and see if we can spread the idea a bit around the blogs...


Sunset pink glowing
on rounded hills. I lift my
hand to swat again.


Breathing in time with
you. Heartbeats synced. Bodies fused.
Rhythm. Harmony.


Plundering your mouth.
You open for me sweetly.
I taste surrender.


Holding your soul like
water in my hands. Careful
with each precious drop.




OK so I'll tag the following folks. Just try and do one at least - they don't take too long!


Pet and/or her Master

Orchidea

Taylor

and of course My own k


have a haiku-licious day!

Free to Be You and Me

More sentimental mushy stuff ahead. Don't say I didn't warn ya!

I've discovered something really nice about being k's Dom. Like everybody, k is a very complex person: deep, multi-faceted, self-contradictory ... human in other words, with the kind of brain we humans have. And, also like everybody, she sometimes has difficulty navigating the layers and manifolds of her own psychology. One nice thing about D/s is that it has the ability to engage all those layers at once, and sort of snap them all into alignment for a while. Let me explain...

Sometimes k has feelings of inadequacy, gets that "impostor" deal where she thinks she's been fooling everyone into believing her smart, able, and interesting, when she isn't. Yeah, we've all been there. The thing is, my k knows how wonderful she is, deep down, but doesn't let that up to the surface too often, for whatever reason. And no, these things aren't as simple as the pop psychology you see on TV would have you believe (cut to sitcom where someone's sobbing on the Freudian's couch: "Wahh! Nothing I ever did was good enough for my father!" Two punchlines and three McDonald's advertisements later, the patient is perfectly well-adjusted, with a new lease on life. Pay the receptionist on your way out please).

So one thing I can do in her life is reinforce all the wondrous positive things about her, which is something people in love do, and I love doing it - really one of the most rewarding things. But I can also get at it with the D/s in ways I hadn't considered before this special relationship.

For example, I can be proud of her. Yes of course anyone can be proud of anyone, nothing very D/s-ish about that. But there's some special quality to it that I find difficult to articulate. It's the pride that comes with love, but focused differently. Not parental pride either ... maybe something closer to a teacher's pride in a student, but it's not really that either. In any case, it's a special kind of pride, and I think it reaches very deeply into k. If I'm reading her behavior correctly, it opens up the stoppages and allows her pride in herself to flood through. Which is a glorious thing to see.

I can also help her see how brave she is and what strength she has in her core, by pushing against her physical and mental limits. Showing her that she can endure much and emerge radiant, more powerful, better in touch with her own self. Sometimes this can even open up hidden chambers in her mind or spark new desires in her heart. I may just be flattering myself, but I believe that there are things she does for me that she wouldn't do for anyone else, nor for herself.

In a D/s scene we microcosm the pains and pleasures of life, the giving and taking, fulfillment and frustration. When my k has internal struggles, warring impulses in her mind, that riotous spiral we're all familiar with ... I have the ability to flatten that all out - pull her up to a higher vantage point.

That's not pain - *this* is pain. Pain you can endure and even enjoy.

That's not helplessness - *this* is helplessness. Hand everything over to me and I'll catch you in free-fall.

When k submits fully, and I feel that deep level of surrender in her, she lays herself bare. I'm privy to every wild and scary and beautiful corner of her mind (as well as her body), in touch with all of her. And in that emotional nakedness, I love her deeply.

I think to some degree she needs the D/s to give her the excuse to cut through her inhibitions and feelings of shame or inadequacy - she can open up because I want her to, because I demand that she does. And she trusts me to love her past the surface, to love the tangled mess of her as well as the poised grace, to love the fear and anxiety as well as the warmth and generosity.

That trust, which of course springs from love, is something that tightens my chest and makes my skin tingle on something like an hourly basis. It's something essential and beautiful and wonderful, like k herself.

Linkage

This isn't a "real" post, but just pointing out that some of the links off there to the left have been updated. My intrepid web-explorer k found and added "sticktight," which is quite delicious reading in my opinion - definitely worth checking out. "Sugarclick" is a blog that reviews other sex blogs, with some very nice helpful and entertaining-to-read reviews, so that's a good one too.

And I don't think I've mentioned this here, but both k and I write a goodly amount of erotic literature (aka smut), which we've kept separate from this blog. But there's a link to our ongoing drabble project there now too. A drabble, for those of you not fanfic-literate, is a short fiction piece of exactly 100 words - we've been having fun creating a long chain of these over the past few months.

So that's it. Perhaps tomorrow I'll post something new - my loverly k should have the little anniversary package I sent her by now and maybe there'll be some reactions for me to dissect, overanalyze, and otherwise suck the lifeblood from. yay! good times!

Six Months In

Well today is k's and my half-year anniversary. I really don't have the words to express all she means to me and the abundance of passion I feel for her. Once in a while, things I write here or elsewhere may capture a tiny fraction of the deep singular love I feel, but for the most part, words aren't much more than pathetic and miserable attempts. Of course, that won't stop me from trying...

I just finished sitting and reading all the posts on this blog, which I started very soon after our "collar moment" six months ago. And from this vantage point, I find myself echoing something that I've said a few times here in the past: one of the most amazing things about my relationship with my k has been how natural it's been. Sure there have been times of nervousness and uncomfortableness here and there, but it's always been short-lived, and there's never been any doubt between us about where we're going and what we're doing. We've been in sync with each other's desires for a long while now. That in itself is just stunning.

And when I look through the changes we've gone through over time, it seems impossible that the naturalness could have stuck around through all that. Here's a little "Then and Now" to illustrate my point...

THEN: chatting in IM a few times a week and exchanging emails
NOW: constant contact through each day and night with the phone and text messages too

THEN: really close friends who enjoyed getting kinky together
NOW: totally earth-shatteringly, soul-searingly in love

THEN: D/s in the space of sexual scenes only
NOW: D/s more pervasive, through offline assignments and real-life non-sexual stuff too

So many other things too... I've discovered the joy and thrill of spanking k, something that never really did much for me before. k's started to stretch her brat muscles *smiling groan*. I feel more connected to this woman I love than I ever have, feel overjoyed every day that she is mine. My heart must be ten times as big as it once was, just to contain the love that I feel for her.

I've grown so much because of her as well, not just as a Dom (though yeah that's been quite a journey itself), but just as a human being. And I can feel how she's gown and changed as well. The whole experience just floors me sometimes - like how could things possibly be this good, ya know? Have to do that reality-check, step back, and then realize: yep, it really is just that good. In fact, it's better.

Each day that she's been mine has been a true profound brilliance - the whole world just shines. I don't know precisely what the next six months will bring, but I can state with certainty that they will be surprising, fulfilling, transcendent, joyous, sexy-as-hell, and full of love.

Happy Anniversary, my beautiful sublime k.

He's so hot right now

Well some of us live in states which don't understand that it is only March and doesn't need to be so hot just yet. So in order to take my mind off the heat i thought i'd share a little humorous episode shared between Irch and i not too long ago, and before doing so remind everyone that a certian someone said i could post this without fear of spanking or other retribution. Just in case there was ever any doubt as to the kind of dorks Irch and i really are, i thought i would set your minds at ease with this conversation about stardom.

I: I'm gonna have to start acting like one. today I'm definitely going to yell at my paparazzi instead of just letting them take all the pictures they want
I: cuz they're just so annoying
k: lol mmhmm
I: and I suppose I'll have to invest in more hair-syling products. and perhaps a personal trainer. it's tough being a star, I tell ya
k: it sure sounds like it
I: yep, and hard to choose from among all the product-endorsements, too
k: i'll bet
I: Captain DomFlakes has been after Me for years to be on the cover of their cereal box, but I don't think it's the right move for Me...
I: I want to branch out into writing children's books and having my own terrible blues band first, then maybe do some boat shows...
k: nope, i just don't really see cereal boxes as Your sort of thing
I: see? exactly. don't want to tarnish My image, whatever it is
k: mmhmm, i understand it's alot of work keeping the right sort of image up
I: it's true. you don't know how lucky you are, not having to do interviews for glossy magazines every two weeks
k: i'm sure that would be such a pain
I: all you have to worry about is cleaning your room. I have an army of french maids to do that in my mansion, but I have to make sure my hair is perfect every time I go outside! I mean really, whose life is more stressful?
I: I'm totally in touch with the common man, though.
I: I drank a beer once, even. domestic.
k: wow ... i'm impressed
I: yep, figured you would be. The way I see it, some of us just have to live a little bit better and more beautifully than you rabble (no offense of course), to inspire you and make your miserable lives worth living for the few minutes that you see us on Oprah
I: so I'm just doing My bit to make the world a better place
k: ah i see, well i really admire that ... i don't know what i'd do without Your inspiration in my life ... i mean just going to classes and work, where's the glamour in that, at least You give me something to aspire to one day
I: exactly. and, um, I wasn't going to say anything, but ... uh, you missed a spot there when you were cleaning. If you want to be in my private entourage of french maids one day, you'll have to do better than that!
k: oh dear, well i'd better get at that spot since i'm totally working towards that one day
I: but don't let Me keep you ... you go ahead and clean up that spot you were talking about. Don't worry your pretty little head over the big-man talk of stardom, dear.

And now i'm going to go lie around and whine about about how hot it is, hope you're all having a lovely day.

The Great Escape

One thing you always hear about when folks talk about cybersex and chatrooms and online life in general, is how they provide an escape from ordinary life. You can step out of your humdrum (or possibly oppressive) quotidian existence and be someone else. Test out different ways of interacting, "try on" different personas, engage in communities and activities that you wouldn't or couldn't in real life.

And certainly that was an attraction to it all for me at the beginning, when I first started going to chatrooms. I've posted before here how especially in the D/s rooms, it just seemed like being in a fictional world, as in one of those online games - dungeons and dragons or something (well dungeons for sure ... maybe not dragons).

In any case, I was thinking about that today, and realized how far from that state of mind I've come. The internet is no longer an escape for me, and hasn't been for quite a long time. It's still a part of me that's not known to family and friends in my r/l, but aside from that, what I do online is seamlessly woven into daily life.

And really it all has to do with my luminous k.

Her openness and her friendship inspired me to open my real life up to the internet in the first place, to stop being a pretend persona here and just be myself. Once I came clean and started sharing real feelings and real-life details with online friends, I never looked back. OK, I'm not going to publish my real name and address and social security number here on the blog or anything, but I can't think of any detail of my life that I haven't talked to k about at one time or another.

But there's more to it than that. More amazing is the fact that my relationship with k informs every moment of my life now. Not only am I constantly thinking of her (that's called being in love), not only am I constantly keeping in touch with her (that's called being obssessed), but I've also become a different - better - person because of her influence on my life. I feel more in tune with the world, like I'm riding through those syncopations in the rhythms of life, and like I'm living life in a full and true way. There's nothing about the world that she doesn't make more magical, so why wouldn't I want her to be part of it?

Now that's not to say that there's no element of escape at all. When we have scenes, they feel so real but are words on a screen, so there will always be that slight reminder of actions unfolding in a mental space that we create together (though I wonder if any readers in real-life D/s relationships would care to comment on this - I know some couples have scenes that are separate from normal interaction, and some have a more "integrated" lifestyle). And the medium of IM means that our scenes are never going to have those kinds of stops and starts or "stop that tickles!" moments. So I suppose in that way, it's sort of idealized. But the arc of emotional connection, the flow of D/s power exchange, the passionate harmony we create: those things are the same as they would be in real-life, I'm convinced.

Now do my k and I share flights of fancy sometimes? Sure, we're going to spend the summer visiting the capitals of Europe, taking trains, and hanging out in cafes till 2am. Sure, I'm going to show up at her door one day unannounced and whisk her off to a luxury hotel where I'll make love to her for a week straight, drink champagne, and eat peanut-butter m&ms. But you see where I'm going with this ... that's fantasy life, which is great, and happens in r/l relationships too. What I've got with k is the real thing, the thing that infuses me with joy and exhilaration in every heartbeat.

It's not escape. It's love.