Free to Be You and Me

More sentimental mushy stuff ahead. Don't say I didn't warn ya!

I've discovered something really nice about being k's Dom. Like everybody, k is a very complex person: deep, multi-faceted, self-contradictory ... human in other words, with the kind of brain we humans have. And, also like everybody, she sometimes has difficulty navigating the layers and manifolds of her own psychology. One nice thing about D/s is that it has the ability to engage all those layers at once, and sort of snap them all into alignment for a while. Let me explain...

Sometimes k has feelings of inadequacy, gets that "impostor" deal where she thinks she's been fooling everyone into believing her smart, able, and interesting, when she isn't. Yeah, we've all been there. The thing is, my k knows how wonderful she is, deep down, but doesn't let that up to the surface too often, for whatever reason. And no, these things aren't as simple as the pop psychology you see on TV would have you believe (cut to sitcom where someone's sobbing on the Freudian's couch: "Wahh! Nothing I ever did was good enough for my father!" Two punchlines and three McDonald's advertisements later, the patient is perfectly well-adjusted, with a new lease on life. Pay the receptionist on your way out please).

So one thing I can do in her life is reinforce all the wondrous positive things about her, which is something people in love do, and I love doing it - really one of the most rewarding things. But I can also get at it with the D/s in ways I hadn't considered before this special relationship.

For example, I can be proud of her. Yes of course anyone can be proud of anyone, nothing very D/s-ish about that. But there's some special quality to it that I find difficult to articulate. It's the pride that comes with love, but focused differently. Not parental pride either ... maybe something closer to a teacher's pride in a student, but it's not really that either. In any case, it's a special kind of pride, and I think it reaches very deeply into k. If I'm reading her behavior correctly, it opens up the stoppages and allows her pride in herself to flood through. Which is a glorious thing to see.

I can also help her see how brave she is and what strength she has in her core, by pushing against her physical and mental limits. Showing her that she can endure much and emerge radiant, more powerful, better in touch with her own self. Sometimes this can even open up hidden chambers in her mind or spark new desires in her heart. I may just be flattering myself, but I believe that there are things she does for me that she wouldn't do for anyone else, nor for herself.

In a D/s scene we microcosm the pains and pleasures of life, the giving and taking, fulfillment and frustration. When my k has internal struggles, warring impulses in her mind, that riotous spiral we're all familiar with ... I have the ability to flatten that all out - pull her up to a higher vantage point.

That's not pain - *this* is pain. Pain you can endure and even enjoy.

That's not helplessness - *this* is helplessness. Hand everything over to me and I'll catch you in free-fall.

When k submits fully, and I feel that deep level of surrender in her, she lays herself bare. I'm privy to every wild and scary and beautiful corner of her mind (as well as her body), in touch with all of her. And in that emotional nakedness, I love her deeply.

I think to some degree she needs the D/s to give her the excuse to cut through her inhibitions and feelings of shame or inadequacy - she can open up because I want her to, because I demand that she does. And she trusts me to love her past the surface, to love the tangled mess of her as well as the poised grace, to love the fear and anxiety as well as the warmth and generosity.

That trust, which of course springs from love, is something that tightens my chest and makes my skin tingle on something like an hourly basis. It's something essential and beautiful and wonderful, like k herself.