Tuesday, April 08, 2008

New Beginnings

I've decided to move on from here.

I want this blog to remain as a reminder of what Irch and I had, and I don't want to take it over as my own.

So I've created my own blog, to further vent my frustrations at moving on and trying to rebuild my life.

If you'd like to follow me you can find me at A Life Lived.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

from the other side

you know one of the hardest things about this whole fucked up situation, is not only did i lose the person that i love the most in the world, but i've also lost my best friend. so when i was dumped, i didn't have the person i wanted to turn to there to help me through it, because oh wait ... he's the one who dumped me.

i know this is immature and bitter and spiteful, but after weeks of feeling like shit, and crying myself to sleep, or just not sleeping at all - i'm a bit beyond caring.

i hate that he didn't give me a chance, he didn't let me try and help or fix things, it was so out of the blue that i'm still left spinning, days and weeks later.

i'm trying to move on, to put the broken pieces of my life and heart back together, but it's a slow tedious process, and i'm finding that just when i think things are coming together again, in some sort of shaky new ground, i end up right on my ass again.

and even now, after all the crying and hurt and doubts, if he just asked i'd take him back - i just want him to want me like i want him, i want him with all the hurt and selfishness and doubt, i just want him.

i just needed to say that tonight, to get that out because i don't have anyone else to tell.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


I've ended things with wonderful k. Rather abruptly. I've hurt her, like I've hurt her many times in the past, but this time far worse. I love her very much, always will, but I've discovered that I'm just not emotionally able to hold up a long-distance relationship, despite the bond we have shared, despite all she has sacrificed for me, and despite my own best efforts. It's my failing and it's unfair to her. It's also (in my opinion) the only path to take.

I don't want this to be any more dramatic than it has to be, so I will just say goodbye and thank you to all.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Aching and Longing

This isn't a "real" post, just me expressing some sadness and frustration. The past 5-6 days, it's been hard for sweet k and I to have the time together that we want. I've been busy, she's been busy, and our schedules just haven't been aligning right. Consequently I miss her in a dire way lately - something more deep and desperate than usual. It hurts to be apart.

And that makes my mind and heart spiral off into dark places they don't want to go. I know this will all be ok soon. It's just a hiccup in the overall flow, but at the same time I feel on tenterhooks at every moment, and that's not a feeling I like.

Just needed to vent a little here. I'm a strong grown-up and I can survive a little longing like this. Thanks for listening all, and k I love you all the stars in the sky.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Just Before Sleeping

The hour or so just before going to sleep has become the center of my day in many ways. I'm really quite addicted to spending that time on the phone with unique and smile-inducing k.

On an average day, we'll send text a hundred or so text messages back and forth, maybe chat on the phone briefly, talk on IM a while, use the webcam now and then. But lately, in my mind, that's all become a prelude to that center of gravity at the end of the day, when we get into our respective beds a couple thousand miles apart and really spend time together.

The contradictions of the day all seem to resolve at that moment, any misunderstandings between us are settled, the long day recedes, we are as close as we can be, and in a way we are outside the march of time for a while. It's a time just for k and I, with no other distractions (well, last night there was a loud thunderstorm in her part of the world, but that's about as far as the distractions go).

Most nights we just talk for a good long while - seems there's always something else to talk about with her and our conversations never run dry. As often as not, that leads to some kind of phone play. Whether it does or doesn't, I'll usually read something to her next - right now it's a chapter (sometimes two) of a novel we are working our way through. Then I'll sing to her, tell her I love her, remind her that she's mine, and we go to sleep.

My dreams are often full of her presence, unsurprisingly. I like to think that our special time on the phone keeps reverberating for through my sleep, and still echoes into the morning. The rhythm of my day finds its downbeat, syncopations coalesce, and I am "on the one" every night on the phone with my girl.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Temporary Relief

My succulent k has the day off today. She sent me a text message at work when she awoke, telling me about how she is all languid and warm in bed and missing me.

Unsurprisingly, this made me focus on other things than work.

I adore the way certain aspects of her personality are emphasized when she is drowsy and lazy. Never fails to turn me on and get my Dommishness in an uproar.

At those moments, it's unfair that we don't get to be together regularly. Well, at all moments really, but those ones are particularly intense. This morning, I made her roll onto her stomach and masturbate to orgasm while repeating out loud that she belongs to me. It gave me some long-distance Domly satisfaction, put my surrendering k in the submissive mental space that she inhabits so beautifully, and gave her a little release to start the day.

It's not a perfect solution, but it works for us when there are few alternatives.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Second Time

I had to get up at 4am that morning, so i could be at the airport by 5 for a flight at 6. It was dark, and i was tired and nervous. I hate flying, and not only would i be taking 2 flights that day, the first would be on a propeller plane.

All things considered the flights weren't too bad. The first flight was the best actually, i had an entire row to myself for spreading out in. The second flight i was squashed between two men.

The first flight ended at a familiar airport, and i got to make my way to my gate fairly easily, only to learn my flight would be delayed for 2 hours - two hours i could have spent taking a nap or reading - i spent texting my just awake Irch.

And then the second flight, too many hours long, i didn't think it was ever going to end, but i did manage to catch a few blessed moments of sleep before we landed.

And then a new airport, a new state, and i walked quickly - like i always do in airports - making my way to the departure gates. My eyes always straining ahead for that first glimpse.

And then finally, coming up a long incline, there He was, waiting at the top for me. And I was in His arms again, and His lips covered mine once more, and it made the hours of flying, and the hours of missed sleep, and the days of missed work completely worth it - i was home.