Ode to Joy

Well it's been a difficult few weeks. I appreciate your patience, readers (if indeed any of you are still bothering to check this space any more!)

My k and I had a little bout of trouble for a bit - things sort of spiralled out of control for a while, and we had lost a bit of trust for each other. Something that can happen more easily in an online relationship than a r/l one, I suppose. We've emerged from it all more powerfully committed to each other than ever, still deliriously in love, still feeling that uncanny emotional bond across the wires. All doubts evaporated, all connections affirmed. And really, I'm more overjoyed and exuberant about us than I ever have been. *glows* She is one remarkable woman, and one I'm so very proud to know, so priveleged to love every day.

So I'm not going to go into any of that here of course (it was bad enough going through it once - you think I want to rehash it again? I really don't need any more drama in my life, thankyouverymuch). But I did want to make another of my remarks about how real and how truly-felt my relationship with k is.

I discovered something about the depth of my love for k. Being with her, making her mine, has lead to innumerable and unqualified pleasures, which I've written about here many times. There's always been a little bit of anxiety associated with our connection, though. In the back of my mind, I think I've always had tiny doubts that things could be quite so perfect as they have between us - that maybe the internet was a medium that lent itself too easily to idealizing things.

During our recent trouble, though, I discovered that I could experience as much pain and sorrow and anguish from an online relationship as I could have in a r/l one. Not that this was a particularly fun discovery or anything, but it taught me how deep and true our emotions run. I believe more firmly than I ever have that there's a very special bond between us, though we've never met face-to-face. I can see how in some circumstances, internet relationships can be mere daydream dalliances that are easy to walk away from, but that's certainly not been the case between us.

Really my whole world grew drab and muted and empty for a little while there. But we've been working at it, and have built things back up. Magic suddenly infused and informed the world and its machinations again - I rediscovered the vibrant meanings and interplays underneath the pale surfaces of things.

So thank you, Internet. For the pain as well as the joy, because the former made me realize that the latter was real.

And k: I adore you beyond words, my sweet one. Our reunion has been a heart-expanding, shattering effusion of love and bliss. I feel your presence in every breath.