Face Time

I know I've mentioned here before that I've never seen what my k looks like. I also know that such a fact must seem kind of strange to some, so I thought I'd take a little time today to explain why it's never bothered me.

So k and I have always had this long-distance online relationship. In the early days, when I started going to chatrooms and stuff, I'd never have dreamed of showing anyone what I looked like (even when my exhibitionist side came out and I got a webcam, it was because I got a charge out of showing myself ... uh ... below the waist - was not in the least interested in showing my face to anyone). And of course I never expected anyone to show me what they looked like either. Sure, once in a while someone would have up a profile picture that could maybe be real, not downloaded from a porn site, but even then I took such things with a grain of salt. While I enjoy aesthetic beauty as much as the next guy, that wasn't what I was online for. (besides, if visual stimulation was what I wanted, it's not like there's any shortage of that around the internet, you may have noticed...)

Later, when I got to know k better, and came to trust her and felt the first embers of love starting to glow in my chest, I'd show her what I looked like from time to time. Never made a very big deal out of it, though, partly because I get all twitchy and weird looking at the little box with my own picture in it, and partly because I never wanted her to feel like I was pushing her into reciprocating. Every once in a while, I'd make a teasing remark or two, though, just to let her know that I was curious ;)

And yes I was curious. I still am, and always have been. But it's a curiosity that hasn't ever been more powerful than my desires to (in the early days) let her protect her anonymity and (more recently) respect her shyness.

I have enough. I've always had what I needed from k. I've never been as much of a visual person as many others (definitely more aural, as you can guess from my posts about our phone play). Even when I'm reading novels and stuff, I don't get the 'pictures in my head' like most folks seem to get. Actually that would make an interesting study for some social psychologist doing work on the way people interact on the internet.

But (as usual) I digress...

Back on topic: While the curiosity has always been there, there's never once been a sense of disappointment or anything negative about not having a picture of my k to moon over. (And yeah, I'm a Dom, but I'm still a big crushy dork when it comes to stuff like that - if I were 14 I'd totally sleep with k's picture under my pillow lol.) Not knowing what she looks like has nothing to do with how deep my feelings run for her, or how powerful our bond is, or how intrinsically and utterly she belongs to me, or how . So in those ways (the only ways that matter, ultimately) seeing her face is immaterial. She is profoundly beautiful, period. She is everything that is sublime.

But there's this other thing too. I was also completely happy to have never heard k's voice before (though admittedly I was more eager for that than to see her). Looking at it in retrospect now, I see that listening to each other's voices was kind of a testing ground for a lot of the ways we interact as a loving D/s couple...

-I started out sending her sound files of me talking or singing or whatever, and there was no pressure about it for a long time
-With a bit of coaxing, she sent me a sound file of her voice that she had made for another reason
-Eventually k overcame her shyness about talking, trusted me with her phone number, and we started exchanging voice-mails, more and more regularly
-The voice-mails became part of assignments and took on more of a sexual and D/s nature as time went on. I believe that making it part of D/s play helped (and still helps) k move past her natural shyness
-We started speaking to each other "live" on the phone from time to time
-We had our first true phone sex (see previous posts...)

This all took place over the course of a year, really, though obviously it's been more intense since the collar, and even more intense in the last couple of months. It's been quite a wild ride, and promises to keep getting better.

But once again, I digress...

The point of outlining the above was to show that a lot of our interaction around the voice has been tied into our D/s relationship. I found this boundary she had due to shyness, and I tried to help her overcome that fear, to use my position as her Dom to draw her out more. I know it's something she wouldn't have done if she didn't trust me. I know it's something she wouldn't have done if I hadn't made it clear she had nothing to fear. I know it's something she wouldn't have done except for the fact that she knew it would turn me on (turn me on for two reasons, of course: 1: she's got the most deliciously sexy voice I've ever heard, and 2: she overcame her trepidation for ME).

I love that my k doesn't think twice before calling me to say hi, that she's interacting with me similary to how she might with close r/l friends that way. I love that my k takes the time to do her phone-related assignments wonderfully, that she's a good obedient subbie in that regard. I love that guiding her and encouraging her and sometimes flat-out commanding her has opened up this door for us. There's no doubt that we've become closer because of it - we have new means of expression at our disposal.

OK, so all the above exigesis on the phone/voice thing was to lay the groundwork for this: I've been very tempted of late to begin a similar process regarding the visual side of things. In fact, I've decided that this is going to happen eventually, and at this point it's really just a question of timing.

Now and then, I've tested the waters with k, to make sure that there isn't an insurmountable barrier there. I haven't made a secret of this, and her responses indicate that she has a lot of fear, but can be persuaded. I've tried to use my own webcam with her more myself lately (well, not too recently, because I'm still waiting for a new computer to arrive), so in a way the process is beginning already...

So we'll see how this all develops over time. I know for sure that, no matter what direction this ends up taking, k and I will be excited and aroused and fulfilled and generally giddy-in-love as always.

And that my friends is truly amazing... ;)