i love letters

Comment, and I shall give you a letter. Go back to your journal, and write ten words beginning with that letter, including an explanation what the word means to you and why.

Taylor gave me - D - today whilst i was about procrastinating.

1. Dashboard Confessional - my favorite band, even now after they've gone mainstream and have changed their style. They're so terribly emo it's wonderful, i love listening to them and making my friends cringe. And i love that Irch sent me His own version of one of their songs, it's still my favorite.

2. Dork - i am, very proudly, one of the worlds biggest dorks. If you don't believe me just ask Irch, He might even admit to His own dorkdom.

3. Drama - i am oh so good at the drama, according to Irch it is adorable, heh. i am just oh so very good at letting things get away from me at times and then everything is blown out of proportion, it's wonderful.

4. Drabbles - if you haven't checked out our drabble project yet you should. Irch and i like to write together, and we've been working on this little project for a few months now. It's been fun to tease and play together like that, plus i love writing and do a bit of my own outside of our project.

5. Dream - Normally i don't remember my dreams, but recently i've been having a fair few which involve a certain Dom we all know and love. Last nights was especially interesting and just very sweet, it's amazing to see just how much of my life is affected by Him.

6. Darlin - sometimes Irch calls me darlin, god i love that.

7. Delight - i often wonder if this feeling will go away, we have to reach a point where it can't get any better right? Or do we? i hope this feeling never goes away, i love waking up each day to experience some new level of love and delight.

8. Desire - i never thought i could yearn for someone as much as i have these days and yet i wake up each day and i want Him more. i never thought i could need someone this much, that i could think about Him practically every moment of my day and have that not be enough.

9. Depths - i hadn't realized just how much of everything there was, recently my life has been opened to whole new depths of emotion, of love, of desire, of happiness. Everything is brighter, everything is warmer (yes even when my toes are freezing), things are just so much better these days, and it surprises me more with each new day.

10. Domination - i never realized just how much i needed this in my life. Well not even that, but how much i needed Irch in my life. i could never be as submissive with anyone, never open up as much as i do with Him and never belong to anyone else. i crave His domination every day and in every possible way.

And so there we have it, a bit more gushy than i had originally planned, but what with the emo mood i'm in tonight that's what you get.

Fiction

Just for fun, a silly thing stolen from butterfly's blog:


If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you’re finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people don’t ACTUALLY remember about you.

Next Level

Well this has been some wild and wonderful time, the past ten days or so. I really ought to be used to how this works by now: just as soon as I think my k and I have found our comfortable wonderful niche and will just be blissfully happy and warm together, suddenly the rules change, the categories explode, new dimensions open up, and we find ourselves in a new and even more thrilling space.

Since that spanking we had (blogged about a few entries back), suddenly there are no secrets between us any more, nothing held back, no protected hidden places, no fears. Not that there was really a lot of that to start with, but there were certain things that each of us would avoid discussing. It feels like that's all completely gone now, and something that's been burgeoning beneath the surface has suddenly found its way into the open.

Someday I'll do a long post here about My feelings regarding D/s lifestyle choices. I have trouble with the concept as a feminist and as a person who generally believes power-exchange = great fun in the bedroom, unworkable in daily life. Briefly, I still have issues with it, but I'm a whole lot more open to the idea than I used to be. (and for the record, I'm talking about myself here, not making moral proclamations about anyone else's relationships)

Anway, the reason I bring all that up is that I'm starting to reach into my glorious k's life more than I ever have in the past. She was showing some frustration and stress about the huge amount of work she has to do over the next couple weeks, and stressing out about an upcoming move and a bunch of other stuff, so I went ahead and just made her a schedule and urged her to stick to it. Which, to the great Dom pleasure, she has. I don't think I'll ever get used to the thrill I get knowing that she's following instructions I've laid out, and that she welcomes the guidance and structure. What's funny is that it's two things at once: I feel good that I'm helping out a friend and someone whom I love, and at the same time it's immensely fulfilling - and, yes, sexually arousing - to have the position of Dom in her "regular" life.

I'm aware that all I did in creating the schedule was to lay out all her work and point to it, saying: "see? that's not so bad!" But the way she responded went way past that. And it's starting to pour into other areas as well. In the past, I've been very loose and unrigorous when it came to offline assignments - if k did them a couple days late, no big deal. But lately she's been very keen on doing things on time or even (gasp) early. And she's been so responsive and eager when I've given her on-the-fly commands to do r/l things for Me as well.

k mentioned in one of her recent posts that we had a phone session in which I actually gave her commands of things to do for Me. This was completely new territory for us - our sexual interaction has always been in the world of the "scene," that we created together with words. But this time I told her precisely what actions I wanted her to perform there in her room while she spoke to me on the phone, and woah what a rush that was too.

So all the above is meant to paint some details of a bigger picture: what's been happening between us has been a strengthening of the D/s dynamic. I feel Myself polarizing far to the Dom side of the spectrum in most of our interactions (though I'll always be her lover and friend at the core of things), be they sexual or not. It's a case of the bedroom expanding out to encompass more of the rest of our lives, like we've sexualized quotidian life to an astonishing degree. I feel in that Dom head-space far more often now, whether we are engaged in sexplay or not. In fact, even if I'm not in contact with her at all, I feel that bond and the yearning tug of her submission all the time.

And while all this D/s-ification has been going on, we've jumped into some crazy stratosphere of love as well. I've come to the point where I can't imagine my life without her at all. In the past, I've avoided using words like "forever" and "always," but I know in a very true and real way that this is a deep, uncompromising, endlessly-expanding thing.

I own my k in a manner and a degree I haven't before, and I share a love with her that just soars high to the stars with no sense of vertigo.

Now this has become a long and rambling post, but there's a last bit I have to get to...

Back on Valentine's Day, I made my k some silly little necklaces and bracelets from stuff I got at a local bead store (yes, I am Arts-n-Crafts Dom). Just fun stuff with pet names for her and cute cheapie "jewels" strung on string, things like that. Well I didn't make a big deal out of them, and really at that time, though I was head-over-heels in love with her, the necklace I made with the word "MINE" on it was really a playful fun thing, and I told her as much.

Then our march madness happened and everything sort of got shelved for a while. Then when this whole intensification of D/s started to happen, I went and made it an assignment for k to wear one of them for me one day. Well yesterday she did just that, and I really didn't expect the reaction it would cause in me. I instantly went from Dom to uber-Dom and she went into some subbie space that was a new place for her as well.

She was wearing this dumb little thing I'd fashioned for her, around her beautiful neck, carrying a physical sign of me (and a symbol of my dominance in particular) with her through the afternoon and night, waking up with it still against her skin this morning. Really there aren't words for how Dommed-out I got - I could write epic poetry and set it to the music of a hundred symphonies, sung by all the choirs on earth, and it wouldn't come close to representing the ecstasy and transcendence of that feeling.

k is more mine than ever. I love her more than ever. These are constants in my life, feelings and realities that just don't ever go away. I'm almost scared to find out if there are more levels we'll reach after this one, because I'm already bursting with pure joy.

Lost

It's been a few days since either of us has posted anything, so i thought i would be the one to break the silent streak, though of course many of you may not be interested in my professions of love and devotion :P

Irch and i have been a little lost recently, lost in each other that is. Speaking from my own perspective, this past week has been the most amazing time we have ever had together. I've never been more in love, more owned, more submissive, or more giddy than i have been recently. It's amazing to watch our relationship continue to expand and grow as it has been.

I've been seeing a little quiz running around the blogs which asks what you were doing 20, 15, 10 and even year ago in your life, i know that one year ago i never would have thought that i could have such a heart-stopping love in my life. I never would have dreamed that there was someone who could make me laugh and forget about the frustrations of my day and just as easily have me gasping His name filled with lust and desire. It's truly humbling to have that kind of love in your life.

I love how easily this has all come too, it hasn't been a struggle at all. It's just natural for me to think of Irch non-stop throughout my day; i don't think twice when i use Him to calm myself when things are particularly rough. And it's not unusual that i can't get enough of Him every time we talk. It seems i crave Him more after we've talked than i do before we've even started. To go more than half a day without some sort of contact from Him is just unthinkable now, where we used to go several days at a time.

I cannot imaging my life without Irch in it now, He is now and always will be a constant in my life no matter the form. I take so much love, strength, and happiness from Him and i love that He continues to let me do that. I belong to Him today and i always will.

I have fallen hard people, i am completely lost in this Man and i simply would not have it any other way. I belong to Him completely, mind, heart, body, and soul and daily i offer myself to Him. And it is just so right when i feel Him wrap Himself around me and let me just lose myself in Him once more.

and because i never did mine:

kneeling before You
offering up all i have,
to be only Yours.

"I want you to kneel for me"

I know Irch has already posted about this earlier this week, but me being the big mouth i can be, i have to put my own two cents forward about the subject. My own reaction to the changes we've been going through recently are somewhat similar to His, though from a slightly different perspective.

I've never really understood the pleasure in kneeling, for Master or sub. It's not a very comfortable position to hold for long, and what really would a Master get out of such a thing? It was just something that eluded me, another one of the formal rituals of some D/s relationships that just didn't seem to quite fit for me.

That is of course until Irch, i'll never really understand where the desire came from in the first place, especially considering my general dislike of kneeling. But not long after the collar i would often find my mind wandering to fantasies of kneeling before Him offering myself to Him, kneeling beside Him just resting in His presence, and kneeling next to Him resting my head on His knees feeling His strength and comfort surround me as He stroked my hair. Where did these fantasies come from? However foreign they may have been, though, these fantasies became ever present fairly quickly.

It wasn't until recently that either Irch or i have actually really acted out on these desires. Though now that we have, i have to ask myself why we didn't start doing this sooner. Maybe it's all part of my ever increasing submission to this Man, maybe it's part of my boundless love for Him, or maybe i'm just discovering one more new thing about myself, like i have so often since being with Irch.

Kneeling for Him is an amazing feeling, i had always associated it with a feeling of lowliness and unworthiness, but it's not that at all. Knowing that i am kneeling for my Master is such a wonderful and empowering feeling, i can't even find the right words to describe it. It's so awesome and i think i just really need to work on my vocabulary for situations such as these because nothing that comes to mind can accurately describe the intense, intimate, uplifting feelings that fill me each time i kneel.

Tonight we tried something new, we played on the phone again only it was a bit different this time. Irch told me what to do the entire time, having me respond to questions and change my position to please Him. Throughout the course of the evening, i ended up kneeling for Him, god it was so much more intense to have Him right there with me while i did that. And it was there on my knees that i came to an amazing earth shattering climax just for my Master.

I cannot explain to you, our dear readers, how utterly amazing that was. Not only to follow His commands through each step closer to climax, but to be on my knees when i came for Him, there is nothing better than that.

And so this is how i've come to love and cherish and desire kneeling for my Master. To show Him in a silent act that i give myself up to Him completely, that i belong to Him totally, that i am His forever, that is what kneeling is for me.

The Bee's Knees

So, something new to add to the list of D/s cliches that I find myself understanding and getting into now: the kneeling submissive. My wonderful k and I have been sort of playing around with the concept lately, and I'm very surprised at what a huge power rush it is for Me.

It's one of those parts of D/s that never really appealed to me in the past - probably something about my Catholic upbringing. Always seemed like the subbies were trying too hard, and the Doms were getting pleasure from it far out of proportion to the act itself.

But now I get it.

I suppose, like some other things, like the whole capitalization deal, it just took being in this particular tremendously fulfilling loving relationship for it to make sense.

And I can't say exactly why it clicks and gives me that rocketing rush of power and that deep tug in the pit of my stomach, but it sure does. Often all it takes is the mental image of k on her knees - just voluntarily sinking closer to the floor in that way. There's a level of trust and of submission there that has a powerful effect on me. Even just chatting about the silliest daily minutiae becomes charged with meaning when she is kneeling as she speaks. It's funny that I don't think it has hardly anything to do with me, actually - don't feel aggrandized or god-forbid "worshipped" or any of that nonsense. It's more that she's acknowledging by her physical position her surrender and trust and openness, and the special dynamic of our relationship.

Yes, as with everything I post here, we are talking about something online (were I ever to experience my k kneeling for me in real life, I think I'd about have a heart attack of lust). But even within the shared world of an IM or phone conversation, the act of kneeling - her act of kneeling in particular - just goes straight to my heart. She's also been doing some offline assignments for me in a kneeling position, and when I think about her doing that for me ... makes it hard to breathe for a moment. She's never more Mine.

Since the big punishment day on Saturday, I've been feeling more and more Dommish and assertive, more sure and solid in my dominant role with my lovely k. And her kneeling has been a big part of my growth in that direction.

Tremendous and submissive and flat-out perfect, is my k.

Swat Team

Over the weekend, My tremendously wonderful k and I finally got some real time together, and we kind of went into D/s overdrive. We had a long multi-hour session together saturday, which is a rarity for us in general, and was the first real extended period of time available to us since the craziness last month.

One of the most important things that happened was that I finally gave k her punishment for the March Madness stuff that went on, in the form of a serious spanking that I like to think she won't soon forget. It was the first time that spanking her was anything but playful - it was still a loving act, but not one full of light-hearted fun.

And yes in a lot of ways, when I take a step back from it, it seems rather crazy to administer a punishment like that over the internet, perhaps even more demented and reality-warping than regular cybersex. Because when you have sex cyber, the arousal and the climax in the scene have physical analogs in real life - inflicting pain in cyber doesn't have that parallel in the real world (and for me it wouldn't work to have k swat her own butt or something - just seems altogether too ridiculous, though I realize we're only talking about sightly varying degrees of ridiculousness here). But I guess at the base of it all for k and I are emotions: the feelings in ourselves and between us, expressed in the imaginative world of the scene.

It felt very real, as everything does with her. I swear the palm of my hand ached and I had to deliberately unclench the muscles of my arm afterwards. And it was a hard thing to do - things got extremely intense and she cried some. It's something that I am convinced needed to be done, though. The D/s is so integrated into every aspect of our relationship now that it was not possible to resolve the situation without involving D/s in some way. And the dynamic is still so new and different to me - there's a sense of finality to the whole thing that I don't think I've ever experienced in a vanilla relationship.

That's not to say that I won't ever think about what happened or that it's a dead issue, but there's a sort of endpoint to refer to now. And in the process a lot of frustrations and guilt and embarassment were released. Purged, even. I feel like we know each other even better, trust each other more than ever, and that our love is the most solid, unassailable, powerful thing. And if it took a serious spanking to get to this place, it was more than worth it.

My k's acquiescence and active submission to her punishment is what made it real. It takes two to make a spanking really mean something, I realized. A "swat team," if you will (if you will keep from groaning, that is).

We chatted and kissed for a good while before the punishment, and had hot D/s lovin for a few hours afterward, and all in all it was quite an amazing day. I know I'm touching her more deeply now, she's more open to my presence that before, and I feel her rushing through my bloodstream and filling my lungs and making my heart swell.

k is mine. Mine, strong, beautiful, smart, and loved.

Needed

Last night, My patient and ever-sensual k and I had a little phone-sex fun.

It was the first time we'd been able to start and finish something since the little bout with instability I've taken to calling "March Madness." I've got relatives visiting now, which has meant slim opportunities for us to be together. A couple of times we'd gotten started on a scene or something, only to be rudely and frustratingly interrupted by outside forces. Needless to say, we've been needing some "quality time" together to close the door on all that nonsense of last month.

So last night, I took off in the car to do some late-night grocery shopping and to return rented videos and stuff. And k was free, and some text-message foreplay led to a phone-sex climax. I sat in my car in a remote part of the Safeway parking lot, rain pounded on the metal roof, sheeted down the windows, cool beads of moisture gathered on the milk carton I'd just bought. And yet somehow at the same time I was 2000 miles away, with my love - kissing her warm lips, tasting her richness, smelling the heady spice of her arousal, clutching swaths of her supple flesh in my hands, filling her body.

And though she hardly spoke, in each gasp and whimper and keen I felt k's submission, her liquid and smoldering surrender to me - it reached right into my heart and spread its heat through my body. We're physically connected again.

Finally.

Quick Breaks

It goes without saying that my k works too hard. She's highly motivated and driven, and she's very good at what she does. She may get a little ADD and distracted now and then, but even when "scattered," there's always part of her brilliant multitasking mind focused on the problem at hand. When deadlines loom, she gets little sleep.

So given these two facts: (1) she works very hard and reaps the rewards of it, and (2) she is often easy to distract. Given those, a really good Dom would probably keep out of her hair when she's working, let her find her focus, and be proud that he played a small mute role in keeping her on target.

Needless to say, I tend to do the opposite.

I've got lots of reasons why I love to interrupt her day and provide her with myriad distractions. A big one would be my own ego, of course. It's a powerful feeling to know I can reach into her life at almost any given moment and turn her attention to me. I've learned many excellent methods for stealing her attention away, and discover more all the time. Sometimes it's almost too easy.

But I learned from reading Spiderman comic books as a kid that with great power comes great responsibility, so I try my hardest to keep the distractions to a minimum, and to time them for when she needs them. Well, mostly anyway. I'm not going to say that I don't sometimes do it just for me (it's good to be the Dom).

It's a balancing act sometimes. I know my wonderful k needs a break now and then, and to feel connected to a world outside of her work. The quickest way is to try and get her aroused and subbie-feeling, something I'm proud to say I'm good at doing expediently. Yet I don't want to impinge on the other areas of her life too much either - she gets a different kind of relaxation from doing sudoku puzzles or reading or messing around with graphics programs in her free time, and she needs that different kind of relaxation too. And of course she needs to go out and be with friends and familty, lead a real life that's not tied to the computer and cell phone. I want her to feel my presence in her life to some degree at all time, but I needn't always be at the forefront of her mind.

On the other hand, I feel like I also help k maintain that intensity in her work. I want to be that solid baseline she can always find when needed. In a way, I want to be the focus as well as the distraction (how's that for hubris?). To be what helps her remain steady, and also what keeps her off-balance, reaching, learning. To be her held and grounded center, to guide the unwavering tight beam of her focus, and at the same time to be the relief and diffusion and relaxation. To be part of the tension and part of the release.

I guess in strict terms it all comes down to foreplay and orgasm, but just as metaphors for the cycles of tension and release in daily life, which occur on many levels. The urge in me to be inside her life in these ways is extremely strong, and the moments when I feel truly part of her like that are immensely satisfying.

Plus there's an undeniable thrill in sending your woman back to work knowing that you've made her face flush, her breath catch, her pussy clench.

Ode to Joy

Well it's been a difficult few weeks. I appreciate your patience, readers (if indeed any of you are still bothering to check this space any more!)

My k and I had a little bout of trouble for a bit - things sort of spiralled out of control for a while, and we had lost a bit of trust for each other. Something that can happen more easily in an online relationship than a r/l one, I suppose. We've emerged from it all more powerfully committed to each other than ever, still deliriously in love, still feeling that uncanny emotional bond across the wires. All doubts evaporated, all connections affirmed. And really, I'm more overjoyed and exuberant about us than I ever have been. *glows* She is one remarkable woman, and one I'm so very proud to know, so priveleged to love every day.

So I'm not going to go into any of that here of course (it was bad enough going through it once - you think I want to rehash it again? I really don't need any more drama in my life, thankyouverymuch). But I did want to make another of my remarks about how real and how truly-felt my relationship with k is.

I discovered something about the depth of my love for k. Being with her, making her mine, has lead to innumerable and unqualified pleasures, which I've written about here many times. There's always been a little bit of anxiety associated with our connection, though. In the back of my mind, I think I've always had tiny doubts that things could be quite so perfect as they have between us - that maybe the internet was a medium that lent itself too easily to idealizing things.

During our recent trouble, though, I discovered that I could experience as much pain and sorrow and anguish from an online relationship as I could have in a r/l one. Not that this was a particularly fun discovery or anything, but it taught me how deep and true our emotions run. I believe more firmly than I ever have that there's a very special bond between us, though we've never met face-to-face. I can see how in some circumstances, internet relationships can be mere daydream dalliances that are easy to walk away from, but that's certainly not been the case between us.

Really my whole world grew drab and muted and empty for a little while there. But we've been working at it, and have built things back up. Magic suddenly infused and informed the world and its machinations again - I rediscovered the vibrant meanings and interplays underneath the pale surfaces of things.

So thank you, Internet. For the pain as well as the joy, because the former made me realize that the latter was real.

And k: I adore you beyond words, my sweet one. Our reunion has been a heart-expanding, shattering effusion of love and bliss. I feel your presence in every breath.

Quiz Junkie

Well while things are still limbo-ish around here, I took a couple quizzes, just for entertainment purposes. And cuz I know you all are glued to your screens, wanting to know all about the twisted world inside my head...

The Devoted Lover 68% partner focus, 47% aggressiveness, 40% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that: You prefer your romance and love to be traditional rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary, you would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own. This places you in the Lover Style of: The Devoted Lover. The Devoted Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and is perhaps the best Lover Style when it comes to developing a long-term, caring and rewarding relationship. The Devoted Lover is a treasure to find, though it is sometimes difficult to time establishing a relationship with one just right; usually, this is the last romantic relationship you'll need to find, so sow any wild oats first. In terms of physical love, the Devoted Lover can be shy at first but gradually warms and eventually can be a thrilling partner who knows every need of his/her partner. Given a strong and loving relationship, and the right lover, the Devoted Lover can be a delight in bed. Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Suave Lover (most of all) or the Classic Lover, or the Carnal Lover. Congratulations! Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 74% on partner focus You scored higher than 31% on aggressiveness You scored higher than 17% on adventurousness

Link: The Lover Style Profile Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

---

SAUROLOPHUS You scored 57 Socialness and 12 Diet-behavior!

You love being around friends and you like your vegitables.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 50% on Socialness You scored higher than 0% on Diet-behavior

Link: The What kind of Dinosour are you Test written by redcapelliboy on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

---

Pretty kinky! Grats! You're 76% kinky!

You kinkscore is pretty high. Most likely you're up for trying anything at least once, which show open-mindedness. You're probably a great lay, so just keep doing that thing you do!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 69% on kinkpoints

Link: The Kinkyness Test written by nilnisicruce on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

---

Intellectual Inferno You have an intellectual sexiness factor of 83!

Who am I to give you advice? You already know everything you need to know, and if there's something you don't know, you're eager to check it out. You are among the few special minds in the world that are truly free, totally creative, and absolutely sexy. The downside is, it's hard to find partners who can keep up with your quick, vigorously sexy mind. You often find yourself bored with anything less than exciting sex, and only those who equal your intellect, your openess, and your creativity can provide that excitment. You're an avid reader, a deep thinking, and a sexually liberated person. You enjoy learning for its own sake just as much as you enjoy sex for pleasure's own sake. Your partner, if he or she is able to keep up with you, is extremely lucky to have you.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 91% on sexiness

Link: The Intellectual Sexiness Test written by dr_eros on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test