Dominant Seventh

New Beginnings

2008-04-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

I've decided to move on from here.

I want this blog to remain as a reminder of what Irch and I had, and I don't want to take it over as my own.

So I've created my own blog, to further vent my frustrations at moving on and trying to rebuild my life.

If you'd like to follow me you can find me at A Life Lived.

from the other side

2008-04-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

you know one of the hardest things about this whole fucked up situation, is not only did i lose the person that i love the most in the world, but i've also lost my best friend. so when i was dumped, i didn't have the person i wanted to turn to there to help me through it, because oh wait ... he's the one who dumped me.

i know this is immature and bitter and spiteful, but after weeks of feeling like shit, and crying myself to sleep, or just not sleeping at all - i'm a bit beyond caring.

i hate that he didn't give me a chance, he didn't let me try and help or fix things, it was so out of the blue that i'm still left spinning, days and weeks later.

i'm trying to move on, to put the broken pieces of my life and heart back together, but it's a slow tedious process, and i'm finding that just when i think things are coming together again, in some sort of shaky new ground, i end up right on my ass again.

and even now, after all the crying and hurt and doubts, if he just asked i'd take him back - i just want him to want me like i want him, i want him with all the hurt and selfishness and doubt, i just want him.

i just needed to say that tonight, to get that out because i don't have anyone else to tell.

End

2008-03-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

I've ended things with wonderful k. Rather abruptly. I've hurt her, like I've hurt her many times in the past, but this time far worse. I love her very much, always will, but I've discovered that I'm just not emotionally able to hold up a long-distance relationship, despite the bond we have shared, despite all she has sacrificed for me, and despite my own best efforts. It's my failing and it's unfair to her. It's also (in my opinion) the only path to take.

I don't want this to be any more dramatic than it has to be, so I will just say goodbye and thank you to all.

Aching and Longing

2008-03-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

This isn't a "real" post, just me expressing some sadness and frustration. The past 5-6 days, it's been hard for sweet k and I to have the time together that we want. I've been busy, she's been busy, and our schedules just haven't been aligning right. Consequently I miss her in a dire way lately - something more deep and desperate than usual. It hurts to be apart.

And that makes my mind and heart spiral off into dark places they don't want to go. I know this will all be ok soon. It's just a hiccup in the overall flow, but at the same time I feel on tenterhooks at every moment, and that's not a feeling I like.

Just needed to vent a little here. I'm a strong grown-up and I can survive a little longing like this. Thanks for listening all, and k I love you all the stars in the sky.

Just Before Sleeping

2008-03-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

The hour or so just before going to sleep has become the center of my day in many ways. I'm really quite addicted to spending that time on the phone with unique and smile-inducing k.

On an average day, we'll send text a hundred or so text messages back and forth, maybe chat on the phone briefly, talk on IM a while, use the webcam now and then. But lately, in my mind, that's all become a prelude to that center of gravity at the end of the day, when we get into our respective beds a couple thousand miles apart and really spend time together.

The contradictions of the day all seem to resolve at that moment, any misunderstandings between us are settled, the long day recedes, we are as close as we can be, and in a way we are outside the march of time for a while. It's a time just for k and I, with no other distractions (well, last night there was a loud thunderstorm in her part of the world, but that's about as far as the distractions go).

Most nights we just talk for a good long while - seems there's always something else to talk about with her and our conversations never run dry. As often as not, that leads to some kind of phone play. Whether it does or doesn't, I'll usually read something to her next - right now it's a chapter (sometimes two) of a novel we are working our way through. Then I'll sing to her, tell her I love her, remind her that she's mine, and we go to sleep.

My dreams are often full of her presence, unsurprisingly. I like to think that our special time on the phone keeps reverberating for through my sleep, and still echoes into the morning. The rhythm of my day finds its downbeat, syncopations coalesce, and I am "on the one" every night on the phone with my girl.

Temporary Relief

2008-02-27T10:40:00.000-08:00

My succulent k has the day off today. She sent me a text message at work when she awoke, telling me about how she is all languid and warm in bed and missing me.

Unsurprisingly, this made me focus on other things than work.

I adore the way certain aspects of her personality are emphasized when she is drowsy and lazy. Never fails to turn me on and get my Dommishness in an uproar.

At those moments, it's unfair that we don't get to be together regularly. Well, at all moments really, but those ones are particularly intense. This morning, I made her roll onto her stomach and masturbate to orgasm while repeating out loud that she belongs to me. It gave me some long-distance Domly satisfaction, put my surrendering k in the submissive mental space that she inhabits so beautifully, and gave her a little release to start the day.

It's not a perfect solution, but it works for us when there are few alternatives.

The Second Time

2008-02-24T21:59:00.001-08:00

I had to get up at 4am that morning, so i could be at the airport by 5 for a flight at 6. It was dark, and i was tired and nervous. I hate flying, and not only would i be taking 2 flights that day, the first would be on a propeller plane.

All things considered the flights weren't too bad. The first flight was the best actually, i had an entire row to myself for spreading out in. The second flight i was squashed between two men.

The first flight ended at a familiar airport, and i got to make my way to my gate fairly easily, only to learn my flight would be delayed for 2 hours - two hours i could have spent taking a nap or reading - i spent texting my just awake Irch.

And then the second flight, too many hours long, i didn't think it was ever going to end, but i did manage to catch a few blessed moments of sleep before we landed.

And then a new airport, a new state, and i walked quickly - like i always do in airports - making my way to the departure gates. My eyes always straining ahead for that first glimpse.

And then finally, coming up a long incline, there He was, waiting at the top for me. And I was in His arms again, and His lips covered mine once more, and it made the hours of flying, and the hours of missed sleep, and the days of missed work completely worth it - i was home.

BratCam

2008-02-20T13:38:00.000-08:00

My sassy subbie k has been acting a bit bratty the last couple of days. Just her usual "fun and games" kind of bratty, but still ... defiant when she didn't need to be, sometimes trying to goad me into doing something about it. I realized that the webcam (which we use a few times a week usually) provides for her a different kind of platform for that incorrigible insouciance.

First of all, I have to point out here what I've pointed out to my cheeky k a number of times: what a reversal it's been since I first got her a webcam! There was a lot of temerity on her part at first (you can read about some of it here), and it used to take a lot of convincing and flexing of the Dom-muscles to get her to agree to turn it on in the past. It took months of steady perssure to get her to flip it on for the very first time. But nowadays she's the one all excited about using it, always on the lookout for an occasion. This turnabout amuses me to no end.

In any case, I've noticed that those couple of times that we've really been together in the flesh, she keeps her brattiness on lockdown. I don't know if it's because there's so much else going on that she doesn't think to be cheeky, or if she's finally getting all the attention she wants and deserves, or if she's too scared to act up when my spanking hand is in such close proximity, or something else entirely... but whatever the reasons behind it, she is relatively tame that way in person.

However when we text back and forth, or speak in IM, or over the phone, she has no such inhibitions. This is part of her that I've grown accustomed to, a part of her I love and appreciate, a part of her that sometimes annoys and infuriates. It's taken some time to get to a point where I can decode when her brattiness is playful, when it's flat-out misbehavior, and when it's a willfulness calculated to exact punishment. Not that I always get it right, mind you, but a lot more often than I used to now.

What's interesting is the new element that the webcam adds to the mix. I think the distance created by the webcam, the feeling that one is "putting on a show" to some extent, allows my cunning k to try out behaviors she might not try in person.

One of the differences is the whole new arsenal at her disposal to express her sassiness, from the cocked eyebrow to the stuck-out tongue to the exasperated eye-roll. It's been interesting and fun getting used to these expressions, and matching them up with phrases she might type to me or say over the phone in a different circumstance.

The webcam also allows me to see past the surface expressions and to the underlying warmth, love, and good humor that my k has in abundance. I can see the coy smile that threatens to burst out from beneath a fake scowl, the confidence in her own beauty and uniqueness that peeks from behind her pouts.

Last night, we were chatting with our webcams on, and hungry k was eating something. I asked her what it was, and she thought she'd play a game. She told me over and over again that she wasn't eating anything, while continuing to pop I don't know what - raisins or something - into her mouth at regular intervals. "You're hallucinating. My poor old Dom's eyesight is going bad." And I realized that, besides the general amusement that comes from the patently absurd, this was highly entertaining and more than a little erotic, purely because of the webcam being used...

She wouldn't think to do this in person, because of course I could just see what it was she had in her hand. In IM or over the phone, it would have lost that stark bold "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" visual irony. This was brattiness suited to its medium, and raised nearly to an art form. And the genuine gleam of fun in her eyes the whole time made it hard to think of it as the usual kind of acting up.

In the end, my stubborn k got the punishment that she was so clearly begging for, albeit one that incorporated reminders that there are better ways to go about it. I was able to push her down deep into her sub-space, really extend and deepen my control, claim and possess her as fully as I ever have. And some of it wouldn't have been possible without the motivation that the webcam provided.

One of the best investments I ever made, that camera. I'm sometimes amazed at my own foresight in giving it to the tantalizing, creative, sexy, sumptuous gal I own and love.

Lunch and Longing

2008-02-13T13:14:00.001-08:00

I'm still reeling a little from my romantic k's last post, which is why it's taken me some time to post something of my own.

This is an odd way to go about answering Tulsa's quest for personal details:

"I'd like to know more about your everyday lives. Ages, areas, what you look like how you met (this might be in here), how you deal with being apart [...] What are your favorite colors? Do you like animals? Are you people who spend your lives in front of desks or outside?"

I suppose I'm more willing to go into a little detail now than I have been in the past, so the following is an attempt to get into some of this stuff we've been mostly keeping to ourselves.

Magnificent k and I are pretty different in lots of small and large ways (at least different within the scope of 21st-century college-educated Americans, which admittedly is a relatively narrow slice of things). Here's a handy little chart, so you all don't have to go read actual sentences or anything to get the basic details.

Irch is West Coast urbanite
K is Bible-belt small-city

Irch is politically-liberal atheist
K is politically-conservative Christian

Irch is late-30s, divorced
K is early-20s, never married

Irch is not a big fan of nonhuman creatures living in his house
K loves the pets

Irch works a desk job, is something of a music scholar, likes to read books
K works in retail, is something of a literature scholar, likes to listen to music

Those are some of the bigger contrasts that pop into my head. Naturally, as this blog attests regularly, there are overwhelming amounts of similarity too. Which brings me to the topic of the sandwich.

I've written here before about how important food is to me, and how we've tried to share cooking and eating experiences in the past. One of the ways that this has manifested itself lately has been in the creation of our own signature sandwich. Yes, I am a "gastro-dork," but it makes me feel closer to the gal I love when one of us is eating this bit of deliciousness. Though it falls short of being a full-fledged recipe by dint of its simplicity, it's something we both created and we both love to eat, which makes it special.

For the record, I'm talking about a sandwich of dill-havarti cheese, tomato, and avocado, on some kind of interesting bread (I tend toward the sourdough baguette myself), with some spicy brown mustard. How completely ludicrous and how completely wonderful that I can feel like we are having a special meal together when we are a couple of time zones apart.

Sometimes it's the small things that make the distance between sexy k and I seem smaller.

The first time

2008-02-10T20:25:00.000-08:00

The first time we met, in person, flesh to flesh, face to face, i was so nervous. I thought about running away, about not answering my phone, anything i could do to keep the inevitable from actually happening. I remember feeling a deep pull in the deep pit of my stomach when He did call letting me know He'd made it to town.

I wasn't sure what was going to happen that night - i'd actually planned to come home to my apartment after we'd spent some time together that night and see how things went the next day.

After dinner we went out to the parking lot, our cars right next to each other, to decide what we wanted to do next. It was a little cold, and i felt so awkward holding my purse there, but He made me forget about all of that.

He wrapped His arms around me, and pulled me against His chest. It was so right there, that's where i fit. And i pulled back enough to look up at Him again, just before He whispered.

"I need to kiss you."

And His lips descended to cover mine before i even had time to really hear what He had said, so warm and soft and everything i've ever wanted. And god i just wanted to kiss Him like that forever.

I will hold on to this memory for the rest of my life.

2008-02-05T19:29:00.000-08:00

Well as you all know my Irch decided to open the blog content up to any questions you all might have for us - because i know i often struggle for blog topics, and apparently Irch is tired of telling you all how wonderful i am - though i don't know how that could be, He hasn't even told you all half of the things that make me so wonderful. (joking, joking ... seriously)

But i thought i might be the first to tackle one of the questions which was posed by Votary. She asked:

As far as my curiosities go, they always venture quite imaginatively into the blank spaces in your entries. I always wonder more about your day to day lives, and what strategies you use to make it through each day without each other. I feel like I struggle a lot with loneliness and self-doubt in a LD relationship, but you guys make it seem so effortless. So what's your secret(s)?

I think this is something that we both tend to gloss over alot in our posts - we tend to stick to the soaring highs, rather than dwell on the low points we come to when we write here. But i do think that we both struggle at times with loneliness and things like that in our relationship. I will only speak for myself right now, and Irch can chime in later if He feels the need.

I am one of those natural-born-worriers. I worry all the time - i worry about being late to work when i still have 20 minutes before i have to be there, i worry about paying my bills even though i know i have more than enough money to cover them, i worry about my family's well being, i worry about Irch's well being, i worry that one day He'll wake up a decided this long distance thing isn't working, that it's not worth it.

It's just the way i am, i guess - and i have been this way for as long as i can remember.

So things get hard at times, being long-distance means i can't get those reassuring hugs and soft caresses that would normally ease my worrying mind, i don't get to look into His eyes, every day or sleep beside him every night - and it's hard. I hate the distance, and i hate that we can't have all those little things that we crave every day.

There are little things we do to help ease the frustrations and depressions of being so far apart. I think the biggest help recently has been the webcam, to be able to actually see Him does a world of good for me - to see the look of love in His eyes, even though we're so far apart helps to push aside all those thoughts that sometimes fill my mind.

The collar i wear also helps me a great deal. I don't often realize the number of times i reach up during the day and just hold the charm between my fingers - it's a physical reminder of the bond that Irch and i share, and it helps to calm me and give me strength through out my days without Him.

The trip i took to see Him in December was actually fueled, in part, by an intense period of missing one another, and we decided to make the spur of the moment trip - of course, as much as i might like to, we won't be able to just make sudden trips like this whenever we miss the other just a little too much. But those times when we are together they really do help the in between times. Being able to remember that when we're apart and pull up shared experiences and memories together when we talk on the phone really does help ease the pain.

And apart from Irch, i have been able to share Him with my friends, with whom i live and see daily - and even when I am not able to talk to Irch on the phone, or see Him over the webcam, or any of the things we might normally do when we're missing the other. I can tell them, I can complain to my best friend that long distance relationships suck, that i miss Him so much, and all i want to do is be held by Him again, and she is there for me. She is there to comfort - and tease - me when i need it. And i think that is one of the biggest helps, that it's not just me dealing with this on my own, but knowing that Irch is as well, and that i have friends who i can turn to when i need to.

So those are some of the things that really help me, Votary. I am sure Irch will have a few things to add, seeing as He usually does.

But feel free to ask more questions, if you haven't already, or even if you have. Irch seemed really excited at the prospect of having ideas from someone else about what we should post here - He's a bit excitable when it comes to the blog, if you haven't noticed already. ;)

You Had to Ask

2008-01-31T14:03:00.001-08:00

I thought we could try something new on the ol' Dominant Seventh homestead today. Not that we've run out of stories to tell or anything (we'll be going on and on about each other for decades to come, I have no doubt), but just to mix things up a little.

So: let's play "Ask Irch and/or k." To participate, all you have to do is ask a question in the comments, and we'll do our best to answer them. Here's your chance to determine the content of this blog, at least to some degree. And you know how hard it is for Dommish types like me to relinquish control, so seize the opportunity while you can!

Banner Headline

2008-01-28T08:23:00.000-08:00

Hey did y'all notice the beautiful new banner across the top of the blog up there? Yes, just like the last one, that is the work of photoshop artist and subbie extraordinaire k. Beautiful no?

a quick 17 syllables about it (and again I suggest you all try a haiku today. It won't hurt, I promise!)

You rest, finely tuned,
bursting with potential song
my hands will draw out

some haiku

2008-01-26T14:35:00.000-08:00

Here's a little sequence of haiku that I call "sitting in my office remembering an awesome blowjob from a few weeks ago"

Rain plummeting to
pound on the window - I think
about your sweet tongue

Tightening my lungs,
as the rapturous flood of
memory rises

The moment - pristine,
unordered, bright - threatens to
burst through the levees

Ecstatic release,
so intense... Today I sit
at my desk and just type.

Haiku Challenge 2008
I think that we need to have another little round of erotic or D/s-related haiku, like was done a while back in this space. Rather than tag specific people, I want to throw it open to anyone reading. Take a moment, do the 5-7-5 syllable thing, it really doesn't take long. Post it on your own blog, or at the very least put something in the comments here.

Let out your inner poet and let's have some new words for the new year!

Potentialities

2008-01-22T10:39:00.000-08:00

Romantic k and I have entered this new phase of our relationship, where the distance between us has a fraught urgency that didn't exist before. On the other hand, there's a solid surety to things, a tangibility that's new in its own way. And these, combined with the fertility of our imaginations, has led to some truly stunning phone play recently.

The deep ache I feel for her flavor, her scent, the twist and arc of her body beneath mine, on has grown ever more intense, and that need plays itself out in hundreds of ways when we talk on the phone. Her submission shines through in her voice as it always has, and sometimes it feels as if I'm trying to perform a magic trick: transforming sound waves into a more tangible physical phenomenon. The "imaginary space" that we share (and have long shared) when we are in IM or on the phone, is based more and more on things that we have truly experienced. That makes it all so smoking hot, and then afterwards heartbreaking when it fails (as it must) to live up to the high-water mark of skin-to-skin contact.

When we are playing together over the phone now, the sunbright memories of our time in the bedroom (and out of it) streak through and illuminate everything I think and do and say. The texture of my sexy k's hair when I thread my fingers through it, the rich heady scent of her pussy juices, the taste of her neck, the plush fullness of her lips, the heft of her breast in my hand, the resilience of her assflesh when I swat it with my bare hand, the sly motions of her fingers over my stomach, the quickfading marks my teeth leave on her pale skin, the fit of her body to mine when she clings to me, the swirl of her pink tongue over the head of my cock. But beyond all that, it's the way that her submisison informs every motion and expression, the way her eyes seem to be surrendering at every moment.

And there's a certain optimism in our phone sex now as well - a sense of limitless potential. We have a long history of imagining things together, but never before have we known with this solid certainty that the things we imagine can (and in most cases will) come true. The thrill of this can't be underestimated - yes we made good use of our time together, but of course there's always an endlessly deep wellspring of more desire, more things to try, more delights to savor. To some extent, glorious k and I are using the phone time as a chance to experiment, to attempt activities that will likely come to fruition in some form the next time we meet. Or the time after that.

I deeply love my woman, and I cannot wait to be with her again the very moment that it's possible.

Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks

2008-01-14T20:42:00.000-08:00

I am a lover of words. Ever since my Irch started this blog and first had me start posting here alongside Him - i have wanted to create the beautifully composed and wonderfully eloquent things that He creates each time He blogs here. And not simply because i am jealous of His easy way of stringing words together to create a symphony of love and meaning - but because i want to tell you all about the wonderful and amazing heart stoppingly wonderful Man who is my Master and all the things that He does to make my life a little better every single day.

I want to tell you about that moment when i knelt at his feet - so completely sure of myself and in us - as he slipped that collar around my neck. I want to tell you about the rush of love and desire that overwhelms me each and every time i catch sight of my collar in a mirror or in a reflection.

I want to tell You about the sweet times we've spent lying in bed together for hours talking and laughing and teasing one another. I want to tell you about the look He gets in His eyes right before His mouth covers mine in a breath stealing kiss - and the easy way He overwhelms and dominates me whenever He wants.

But most of all - i want to tell you all how truly amazing, life changing, wonderfully, soul touchingly, and heart achingly wonderful it is to know that i am loved beyond any shadow of doubt by a Man that i love and desire more than anyone else in the entire world. To know that He wants me as much as i want Him - and not only that but i belong to Him. I wear His collar around my neck every single day - i am marked as His. He loves me enough to put His name on me. To show the world that i belong to Him utterly and completely.

I want to tell you all about that, but i never seem to be able to find the words.

Beds and Collars

2008-01-11T11:36:00.001-08:00

I had bought myself a new bed back in August, and I was enjoying sleeping in it. Firm mattress, cushy pillows, dark rich colors for the sheets and all that stuff. Lots of room to stretch out and I slept smack in the middle of the bed.

Since luscious k's visit, though, I noticed that I've continued to sleep on the one side of the bed where I slept while she was here (there was a lot of entangling of limbs as we slept and half-slept, of course, but I was the one closest to the door when she was here, and I am still on that side almost 2 weeks later). A shared bed is a sacred space for me, I guess. Quoting Yeats for the upteenth time here: "the crushed grass where we have lain/and the moon is wilder every minute" pretty much sums up how my thoughts are completely wrapped up in my sensual k when I even glance at the bed, let alone lay in it.

....

It's been over a month since my first meeting with sweet k, and I still haven't talked about what was one of the most precious and powerful moments of that trip. As those of you who've followed along here for a while know, I bought her a collar about a year ago, when we were still online-only (you can read about it here if you like). Unfortunately, she was only able to wear it for a few weeks before horrible things happened in my life and I altered our relationship drastically. But once we started picking up the threads again, one of the first things I asked her was if she still had that collar (ok a necklace, to be technical) I'd bought her.

The answer was yes.

And on my last night visiting precious k's city, I asked her to kneel for me, I placed that collar around her neck, hooked it in the back, listened to her pledge her submission to me, and claimed her as my own with words I can't recall now. This was a little impromptu and unrehearsed "ceremony," not particularly about love (except how everything between us is always about love), but about realizing out-loud the special trusting bond of D/s in our relationship.

My hands should have been shaking and I should have been stammering, but I felt completely sure of myself and her. It felt like the completing of a circle, like the pull of gravity. By this I don't mean that it felt like "fate" as it's commonly understood - some outside force pushing us willy-nilly along a predestined path. No, this was something actively and robustly created by the two of us, and snapping the clasp closed felt like the fulfillment of a shared desire. Because of that, it was easy for me to be confident - the moment was the realization of an emotional truth we already knew.

k will tell you that she has only taken the collar off in order to pass through metal-detectors at the airport to come visit me. I get a powerful frisson of lust and Domliness whenever I see her wearing it, or even think of its constant presence on her warm body. That's my love, my comfort, my control, my guidance, my support, all encircling her, 24 hours a day.

New Geography

2008-01-07T13:29:00.001-08:00

One of the nicer side-effects of unique k's recent visit has been that the world around me has been transformed to a greater degree than before. Since we were online-only for so long, I never was able to have the kind of "place memory" that I do now.

Sure, there are a few places that would spark reflective moments: the spot outside my workplace where I'd often call her on my breaks, the laundry room I was in when she texted me that she had just orgasmed for me at 8pm like I'd instructed, that sort of thing.

But now I've had my delectable k in the place where I live, actually physically present eating at my table, sitting on my couch, sleeping (and not sleeping) in my bed. And beyond that, she's walked through the streets I walk through every day, visited various neighborhoods of the city where I grew up (and heard tedious stories of my childhood ad nauseam), went to restaurants I've been to before and will go to again. My workplace was closed for the holiday period, or we'd have stopped in there too, I'm sure. I pointed it out as we went by, anyway.

There's a whole erotic map superimposed upon the geography around me now. Something personal, full of love and passion for one particular woman. She's a part of my daily living space in a way she hasn't been in the past, and we have started creating our own shared history in locations I've had associations with my whole life.

Last night we were chatting in IM, and flirtatious k pointed out to me that I was sitting on the couch where we had been making out just a few days ago (actually even more than just making out, but I'll leave that to your dirty imaginations for now). I was struck by a deep satisfaction that we have these real sensual memories, undeniable and fixed in space and time. Simultaneously, I had pangs of longing that were sharper and deeper than I've ever felt.

There was a fluidity to things when we had never met in person - the flow from being "together" online and just "keeping in touch" with texts and emails was a relatively easy one (in retrospect, anyway). It was fulfilling and beautiful and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it's just not the same as being together in the flesh. Now that we have begun imprinting our love and devotion onto the map and timeline of the world, it's more of a struggle to make that shift to the long-distance mode of being.

I ache for k's touch and scent and sheer unimagined physical presence often, but it's the ache of postponed fulfillment, one that all lovers know at one time or another. I am adjusting, so is she, and now we have a surrounding world dotted with markers of our love and lust. It's a sublime experience, and I can't wait to expand that map further, fill it in with a million details over time.

building castles in the sky

2008-01-01T19:11:00.000-08:00

So i've just gotten back from my rather long and a bit upsetting trek across country to return to my home town - oh so very far away from my Irch. He asked me to make a blog post when i got home, possibly just to give me something to think about on the way home so i wouldn't get emo about leaving.

In any case, i've been thinking about what i should write about since i got on the first plane this morning, and now hours and hours later i'm still not sure. Irch and i were talking about that a bit this weekend, it's hard to blog now that we've been together in person - because there is just so so so much to say now, it's hard to pick and choose what gets said and what doesn't, and it's hard to narrow each entry down - it feels like it'll take ages to cover just that first weekend we had together, and now we've gone and had another one together.

I am going to try and be brief though, and no i won't get to every amazing and wonderful detail about this weekend, but i do want to focus on something that was different this trip compared to our last trip.

Apart from the obvious - my visiting Irch instead of the other way around - this trip was different in that it was just He and i. The entire weekend was just the two of us, we got to go out together and come home together and sleep together - we got to do every thing together without having anyone else around to interact with.

On His visit, Irch spent time at my place with my friends and roommates - and that was fun and wonderful and so special to share that part of my life with Him, but this ... Sharing an entire weekend alone together, now that is something special.

It's nice sharing time together with friends and family, but call me selfish, I adore the time we get to spend alone together. Irch made mention of one of the days we spent entirely in bed, that was just so wonderful - and i don't even have to mention all the orgasms and things that went along with that - just being able to be close to him like that, curled up under the covers, kissing, tickling, laughing, and just talking - that was probably my favorite point of the weekend.

I adore my Man, in more ways than i could ever possibly tell any of you, and just being with Him is simply my favorite thing in the world.

Just the two of us.

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T10:46:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year everyone.

I am a little melancholy at the moment, having just taking my vivacious k to the airport for her trip home 2000 miles from me.

But we had the most magical time while she was here - got to do a few touristy things, spend one whole day in bed, and went out for a great New Year's Eve night. The singer in the band we went to see even came up to us between sets to let us know she was watching us making out - heh. I'm still just overwhelmed by k's beauty and magnificence and submission every moment of every day.

I kissed the woman I love and own at midnight last night. This is our year.

Merry Meanderings

2007-12-25T22:40:00.000-08:00

Well I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season here at the end of the calendar year. It's been a particularly special December for luminous k and I. We had our first meeting just a couple of weeks ago, of course, and there's a little surprise at the end of this post related to that as well...

It's been a weird hybrid feeling these past weeks since my trip to see my glorious k in person. Simultaneously, I have been: (1) just glowing with love and Domliness, out of my head with lust, empowered and enthusiastic, bursting with pure joy, and (2) so despondent and let down that our time was limited and we are back to a long-distance relationship. It's a weird feeling to have those two forces comingling in my heart at all times. But I'm getting used to it in small ways.

The last couple of days have been particularly hard, because we haven't had the amount of time to spend together that either of us wants, with all the Christmas things going on. Overqualified k is working at a retail store, which has meant long crazy hours just before Christmas, and I've got all kinds of family things going on (though luckily less in the way of work). We've kept in touch with lots of text-messaging when possible, and of course always talking on the phone for a good long time just before bed.

On the brighter side, I should mention that we've been having some of the hottest, most intense phone sex these last couple weeks. Like mind-blowingly, toe-curlingly, bone-warmingly hot. In fact, I'm shuddering a little right now just thinking about it. Among other things, I've been able to get that sexy woman to open up and talk more, using dirty words and everything heh. So very fun, and so indescribably sexy.

I've noticed small changes in my level of confidence as far as our relationship goes, too. Not anything I'd have noticed at the time, but in retrospect there must have been slivers of disbelief mixed into the trusting bond we built back when we were online-only. Those doubts have been blown away now - there's a fullness, a wholeness, to our connection. It's pure and unalloyed now, and that's a beautiful thing in itself. It's also given me a new foundation upon which I am building a new kind of dominance. I don't think its shape will be too different from how it's been in the past, but it feels more rooted and real now.

My sweet k opened Christmas presents from me today. Nothing as huge as the collar I sent her last year (and remind me to post about that collar sometime soon, by the way), but just some little things to make the woman I love smile and feel merry. Even though we've been together in person, there's still something very special about her opening up gifts I've chosen and thought about and wrapped and mailed. I'm looking forward to being able to share a Christmas with her for real one year soon, and many Christmases after that.

Oh I promised you a little surprise at the end of this post, didn't I? Well we are about to meet for the second time. I'll get into the whys and wherefores soon, but for now I'm revelling in the knowledge that the gal I love and own will be sleeping in my bed a few days hence, and I will be kissing her at midnight as the year changes.

That's just unbeatable as a way to start a new year, if you ask me.

Bedtime

2007-12-18T14:20:00.001-08:00

I'm not going to try and tackle the whole "big picture" like magnificent k did in the previous post. Really I can't do it justice, because every time I try my mind ends up racing in a million directions at once, unable to settle on a metaphor or scheme or trope to pull it all together. So instead I'll continue to plod away, remembering and describing certain details, and the thoughts that spin out from there.

I arrived in k's city relatively late in the evening, and after having some dinner and talking, with big grins and jangled nerves and potent hormones, one thing led to another and I put it to her that I wanted to take her back to my hotel room and into bed.

She looked at me with all the vibrant love and audacious submission she has, and said yes.

Now, without getting into everything that it meant to me, and skipping over a lot of "plot" here, let me just talk about the pure bliss that it is to share a bed with this woman of mine. I've known forever that k likes to sleep, and even when not sleeping spends a fairly significant amount of time in bed - it's home for her. I've been wanting to be in bed with her for years, and it was beyond description to actually be there with her.

She does love to sleep, and I wanted to let her sleep a lot that first night, since she had an early start at work the next morning (it being shopping season at the retail store where she works). Besides, I was tired out too, from a long flight and long drive, and being too wired to sleep the night before. We both needed to rest.

Needless to say, we did no such thing. I really wanted to let her sleep, but it just wasn't going to happen. Our bodies had their own ideas, and everything was so magical that we gave in to those deliciously base corporeal demands.

We did a lot of things in bed over those few days. Besides the obvious (which I may or may not get into in another post), we also did do some sleeping, some reading aloud, some singing, some talking. Lots and lots of kissing and carressing. It was shockingly easy and right, the way our bodies fit together and moved together. There were expressions of love and acting-out of the D/s dynamic between us all the time, even in our sleeping positions.

I had been warned by k herself that she was a blanket thief, but that was a lie. She is as generous and warm and welcoming in sleep as she is when awake.

Sharing a bed with the woman of my dreams, the woman I love transcendently, the woman who is fully and beautifully Mine - it was a feeling unlike any other, and I'm still reeling from it a week and a half later.

the inbetween time

2007-12-16T18:59:00.000-08:00

k here, i decided it was about time for me to weigh in on everything - make sure you all know that i am still here, and my Irch has not finally drifted off into some fantasy land, like he's been threatening to do for a while now.

I am still not sure i have words to describe our weekend together - it was wonderful and glorious and just the most perfect thing i've ever experienced. It really was just natural and right, being together - like we were finally able to really act out our love in person through touches and kisses and caresses, instead of through the longing sighs and typed words we've been using for years now.

Honestly I wasn't sure how well it was going to work out - i kept replaying so many different ways for our first meeting to pan out, of course none of them were anywhere close to what actually happened.

A week later, i am discovering that i didn't realize just how much we would connect over those few days we got to spend together. That it would be one of those bone deep soul touching sort of connections. And now, now that He's gone, that He's back in His home - i've never missed Him more than i do now.

I've never wanted to touch Him, and lay in His arms more than I do now. I've never wanted to kiss Him and sleep with Him more.

I didn't realize that in getting to experience all those things we've been longing for, for years now, i would have to miss them after He left. It aches down to my heart when i think about how much i want to be with Him again.

Status Confirmed

2007-12-14T10:45:00.001-08:00

Well I think I'm finally ready to begin talking about some of what happened this past weekend with my luscious k. Most likely this will be just the first of a long series of posts, wherein I over-analyze everything in minute detail. In other words, just more of the usual around here!

I'm going to focus on spanking today. We had a really nice intense spanking session one of the nights I was there ... or maybe it was during the afternoon. To tell you the truth the whole long weekend is kind of a blur that way. In any case, the spanking was simultaneously (a) just what I thought it would be and (b) full of surprises.

I guess the real shock about it didn't hit me until afterwards. One thing I discovered during my time with k is that in person our D/s is even more intoxicating, to the point where certain mental faculties are subdued and instinct rises to the fore. I'm happy to report that we are both very satisfied with how our instincts meshed and informed each other's so well. But wait, let's get back to the spanking!

So when I layed her over my lap and started in, it seemed very right. I've known for a very long time that this is something that she craved, something I wanted to try, something expressive for both of us, and goodness knows it's something that we've acted out dozens of times online or over the phone. But after it was over (well, quite a while after, because that was just one part of a longer escapade), I realized something that I didn't admit to myself beforehand ... I was actually trepidatious about the whole spanking thing to some degree. In the moment, of course, there was no question - it was just the thing that was going to happen. But in retrospect, I must have had some nervousness about it in the back of my mind.

I mean, I've given plenty of playful swats in my time, and I've heightened sensation in the midst of other passionate pursuits with some surprising stings like that. But this more concentrated effort, focusing for a while on just the act of spanking k and the emotions it evokes, this real administration of a spanking - this was something new. There was a certain (small, but still there) amount of doubt as to whether I could pull it off and make it something both of us would get pleasure out of.

Turned out I needn't have let it bother me in the least. Taking her over my lap was 100% perfectly natural, instinctual as I implied above, and smacking her round ass with my hard flat hand was just deeply fulfilling. It turned me on to no end, pushed all those Dommish buttons in my brain, allowed my control and k's submission to sing in harmony, made my woman wet and whimpery, and set the stage for further inspired lovemaking that followed. I don't suppose I need to get into real detail about the D/s dynamics of it all, since other have been far more eloquent than I on that topic, but suffice it to say it was everything I'd hoped it would be on that score.

Even if I hadn't enjoyed myself as much as I did, I'd still be eager to do more, just because of the breathless surrender it inspired in my sexy k. But now that I've confirmed beyond any doubt that spanking her is such a profound thrill for me as well, and that it's an intuitive act ... I cannot wait for my next chance!

Got to start planning another trip right away.

In Person III

2007-12-12T15:08:00.000-08:00

I went back to look at this old post, wherein I made a (very partial) list of things I wanted to do when I met my precious k in person. I thought that, as a way of starting to talk about our weekend, I could give an update on which items from the list we managed to do in our all-too-brief time together...

1. stare into her eyes and breathe in her presence a
2. tangle my fingers in her hair a
3. sit with her head in my lap a
4. kiss her mouth for about two hours without pause a
5. hear her whisper my name a
6. know the size of her hand in mine a
7. kiss her inner wrist and nibble at the flesh there a
8. play a hot game of scrabble
9. take a very long walk, preferably in cool and damp weather, fingers interlaced a(well, could have been longer, but was injoyable)
10. cook a meal for her, and watch her eat it a(think this should count, even if it was both of us cooking together for a larger group)
11. get our picture taken together
12. see her tongue peek out the side of her mouth when she concentrates
13. make out in a car or in a movie theater like a couple of horny teenagers a(in the car, and it was very hot)
14. spank her a
15. sing a song together
16. savor the juices of her cunt a
17. sleep naked with her a
18. go out dancing
19. go out dancing knowing that she holds my cum in her body
20. press my hand to the curve of her hip a
21. read a book to her or listen to her read to me a
22. inhale her scent deeply a
23. go out for a run and shower together afterwards
24. shop for groceries together a
25. feel the weight of her breasts in my palms a
26. sit with my arm around her a
27. undress her a
28. warm up her icy cold feet on my stomach
29. bake a pie together
30. give her ass a squeeze in public a(just a brief one as we cooked dinner, see #10)
31. feel her nipples tighten and pucker under my touch a
32. stand before her as she kneels a
33. watch her get dressed and brush her hair a
34. hear the gasps and keens she makes as she approaches orgasm, right in my ear a
35. hum low and deep with my lips pressed to her cunt a
36. watch her draw or paint
37. refer to her as "Mine" in front of other people
38. take her earlobe between my teeth a
39. massage her shoulders and back a(was just her shoulders, but I'll get to the rest next time)
40. place my hand on her thigh a
41. feel her eyelashes flutter against my skin a
42. watch her sleep a
43. mark her with a bright red hickey on her neck
44. drink hot chocolate together
45. whisper all manner of salacious things in her ear to make her thighs clench a(there needed to be more of this, though)
46. work on a crossword puzzle together
47. do something cliche-manly, like open a jar or kill a spider
48. listen to her heart beat in her chest a
49. hold her in my lap as I let my hands roam over every surface of her body
50. look into her eyes when I tell her I love her a

As you can see, we managed the majority of them, and we are starting to think about the next visit, so there will be plenty of time to do the rest and so much more!

I'll be posting bits and pieces of things over the next several days as aspects of our time together start to become talk-about-able in my mind. Sure was glorious though, in every way.

Wonderful

2007-12-10T23:22:00.001-08:00

This weekend was without a doubt the most amazing of my life. More details in a future post, when I can somehow manage to find words to put to it all. For now, just: wow.

I love you, My sweet tremendous brilliant k. Today and forever.

today

2007-12-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

He is going to be here today, in less than an hour actually.

I've been feeling it in my stomach all day, we're going to meet eye to eye for the first time tonight.

All these years that we've known each other have been building up to this.

He's going to be here tonight.

Bet Your Bottom Dollar

2007-12-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

There's a lot of promise in the word "tomorrow."

I will sleep the sleep of the righteous tonight, spend most of the day travelling, then tomorrow evening I will wrap my arms around sweet k for the first time.

Just the knowledge of that happening, even without the execution of it yet, is swelling my heart (and other things, as you may have guessed from the oh-so-subtle picture to the left).

I have a sense of peace and what I might call "pre-fulfillment" today, and I am absolutely rock-solid certain that this has been more than worth all the waiting and pain it took to get here.

No creeping at a petty pace for us.

Full Steam Ahead

2007-12-03T09:25:00.000-08:00

The time is coming up so soon. Can count the remaining days on one hand now, as beautiful k is fond of pointing out.

I was thinking that it must be boring to read this blog at the moment. Even if I could somehow impart the sense of anticipation and inevitability in an eloquent way, it doesn't make for good diaristic writing. If this were fiction, I'd have subtle foreshadowing, control over an accelerating pace, etc. In short, it would make a better read than my trying to condense days of thoughts and emotions into these posts that tend to repeat themselves. Ah well, that's just how it's going to be for four (FOUR!) more days.

I was looking back over older posts here, paying especial attention to the ones where I talk about our long-distance online relationship, tracking my thoughts about it over time. I expected that my feelings would have changed a lot since those days, now that I'm on the cusp of making a long-held dream come true. But I find myself surprisingly consistent in the way I understand and intuit the connection that sweet k and I share. My older writings aren't so much "justifications" of how our love worked from a distance, so much as they were descriptions and emotional outpourings about it all (though sometimes some anxiety peeks through, it's true). And nothing has changed in that light. I believe all the same things I used to believe, and I wouldn't modify anything that I've said.

I consider this meeting to be the next step in something that's been ongoing. It will surely be a sea change, but it will not be a metamorphosis. The core of who we are together, the transcendent beauty of that, the love that glows across the miles, remains.

Song of Songs

2007-11-29T00:33:00.000-08:00

k sang to me tonight.

Love flooded my whole being and I exhaled it to fill the universe too.

She is entirely too sublime.

Confidence

2007-11-27T14:44:00.001-08:00

The day of our meeting approaches (only ten days away as I write this - soon we'll be in single digits!), its pace too slow but at least steady. It goes without saying that I'm beyond excited about it. There's a certain near-frantic giddy edge to everything in life lately, and there's a sort of burgeoning potential energy in me that feels as if it could supernova at any moment and transmute me into starlight.

I should be very nervous, and I guess I am, but I find that my nervousness is always about little things. Logistical stuff like what I'll do if my flights are delayed, smaller interpersonal stuff like how I will manage to keep my hands off her body for stretches of five minutes at a time.

We are using this meeting as a sort of shake-down cruise for a future relationship; that is, we aren't considering ourselves to be a "couple" until we meet and see how our interactions mesh in the flesh. This is why the sexual, the D/s-related, and even the romantic are topics we are treading over lightly. (Well, as lightly as we possibly can - we seem to find ways to push our own boundaries remarkably often.) On paper, at least, we are extremely close friends right now and nothing more.

We are investing this meeting with a lot of significance, in other words. Trying to protect our hearts from the possibility of pain in the future if we discover a dealbreaking something about one other during this visit.

But here's the thing: I'm really not worried about that in the least.

I am utterly confident and completely assured. Of course there are unknowns about the future, but to my mind they are more in the tempo and key and texture of how we move forward. The strongly-intertwined counterpoint of our love is rock-solid and doubtless. Yes, I've thought about what my life would be like without her in it - it's a devastating scenario to say the least - but I can't seem to make myself get anxious over it.

Call it cockiness or unearned self-assurance, but in about ten days, I'll be making her Mine again, this time forever.

Single Blossoms

2007-11-19T14:54:00.000-08:00

You know, a lot of times, being so far away from precious k makes things really difficult. When she's sick, I can't tend to her. When she is overstressed from work, I can't help lighten the load. I can't give her the comfort of holding her close when she's frightened by a violent thunderstorm. Especially now that we are holding back on the D/s-ish things until we meet in person and recommit, it's harder for me to be a strong force in her life from 2000 miles away.

But I do the small things I can. Today, there was a little crisis - I won't get into the details, but I was actually able to help, and that just makes me glow. I'll be smiling the rest of the day because of it.

Before Bed

2007-11-15T09:39:00.000-08:00

Over the last couple of weeks, beautiful k and I have fallen into something of a routine at night. After chatting in IM for a while, she gets into bed (bedtime is two time-zones earlier for her), turns out the light, and we talk on the phone.

In many ways, this is the pinnacle of my day. We might speak on the phone at other times during the day as well, but this one is special. Just thinking about it now, my breath is growing deep and measured - it's calming and exciting in equal doses.

We usually chitchat for a little while, and I get to revel in the bell-tones of her voice and thrill to her sly drawl or rising giggle. We talk about what time she needs to get up in the morning (I usually send her a text-message to help her wake up), what tomorrow has in store for us, how we've survived the day that's passed.

Most nights I'll also sing a song to her. Something slow and usually romantic. I'm sure it comes out very garbled over the cellphone, but there's a connection that's hard to make in any other way. I think it helps us both wind down the day and slip into slumber.

Last night we started something new. I began reading a novel aloud to her, and I think we may work through it chapter by chapter over many nights. Or maybe alternate that with the singing. Or maybe she'll read some aloud to me, I don't know. But it's nice to have these possibilities.

And it's indescribably wonderful to know that the last things she hears each night before sleep are my words of love.

Clockwatcher

2007-11-13T14:42:00.001-08:00

I installed a little countdown thingy on the left-hand side of the blog. I love being able to track progress toward a goal, but then again it bothers me that it doesn't move just a tad faster.

Anyone got any Star-Trek-style space/time continuum tricks for making that day come a little quicker? Or know a way to get word to Satan that I'd like to make some sort of deal?

Buying my plane ticket today, so that will undoubtedly help, or make it even harder to wait, or both simultaneously. Do I sound at my wit's end yet?

Tasty Treats

2007-11-08T13:05:00.001-08:00

Well the other night I did something that I've been longing to do for months now. During our "interregnum," I never cooked for sexy k, and I missed it quite a bit. I won't get too into the whole emotional, romantic, Domly side of cooking for her (I've done that here, among other places), but suffice it to say that I am very glad that I can do this again.

I'd found a recipe for pumpkin muffins (with chocolate chips of course!) online, and couldn't resist trying it out and sending it to my hungry faraway woman, it being the right time of year for such an autumnal treat. There was a special twist to my cooking this time, though:

She got to watch me cook for her.

I set up the webcam (which previously had only been used to document other kinds of physical indulgence), and basically put on a cooking show for her. No, not "The Naked Chef," since we are keeping the overtly sexual things on hold until we meet in a few weeks, but I think still entertaining viewing. It was one step closer to cooking together, or cooking for her in her presence - at least one of which I am highly motivated to do on my visit. This is soul-satisfying in a deep way that I have a difficult time articulating here.

She received the package at lunchtime today, and I got to be in IM with her as she took a first bite, and instantly I felt our connection so strongly. And, as always happens and I'll never get used to, I felt like I'd tapped into the profound ancient magic of the earth, and glimpsed infinity for a moment. Yes, just from a bite of muffin, so sue me.

What a thrill to be able to connect with the one I love in this special way.

etwas langsammer

2007-11-05T23:41:00.001-08:00

Glorious k and I are back in daily contact again, after a drought that was far too long. We are enjoying each other's company and reveling in how free and beautiful it feels to have no burdens weighing us down any more.

New anxieties have popped up, however, which are giving us pause and causing us to proceed more slowly now. I absolutely love k and she does me, but we are trying to become a couple again in a more organic way, rather than jumping right into the passion where we left off. This is not easy or painless, but it's necessary. We both want this to be forever, and that means going about things differently. It also means that the D/s is more a form of flirtation and a reminder of our shared past than it is an intrinsic part of our dynamic right now.

We are very slowly "coming out" to friends and family. We are sharing every possible waking moment, from the text message I send to wake her in the morning to the phone call when she's in bed at night. And the part that many of you have been waiting for: barring acts of god, we are meeting face-to-face in about a month. Just a weekend, but hopefully the first of many. I am trying hard to be blase, mature, and clinical about it - "this is just a test to see if we really get along just as well in person, and if it doesn't work out, no big deal." I think anyone who's read our postings here probably knows what a fight it is to maintain that kind of attitude. Anyway, we are mostly pretty giddy (and trepidatious) about the whole thing. We'll keep you informed as plans solidify.

For the moment, it just feels damned good to be back in a landscape with fertile soil and the potential for roads and bridges and maybe even a cottage-for-two.

Oh and this week's German title? Just for fun ... scholarly k is quite fluent in German, whereas I really only know tempo markings and things you might hear in a bad American WWII movie. By happenstance, a tempo marking was appropriate today.

almost...

2007-10-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

The time is getting closer. I'm so tempted to just rush to my k right now, today. I know that it will be better for both of us if I see this out to the end. It will.

But that doesn't make the waiting easy. I love my k. I miss her. I want her. More than I ever have, I think. When I claim her again, I want it to be starting from scratch, and I want it to be forever.

Morning time and evening time and summer time and winter time. It's getting cooler and Halloween is coming, which means the time is almost here.

Soon, my love. Soon.

Event Horizon

2007-10-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

Been at sea for so long, but soon I'll have the firm, fecund, flawed earth beneath my feet again.

Watch this space for an update in early November. Hope everyone is well.

Cautious Optimism

2007-08-24T00:33:00.000-07:00

Doubt anyone's still reading here, but ...

The last couple of weeks I've started to feel like there might be a glimmer of hope on the horizon, not just in my personal life, but a chance that k and I might find a way to be a couple again one day in the future. Trying not to make too much out of it, since it's dependent on so many factors and it may not happen for a long while if at all, but the mere fact that I can see a future that's not boxed in and constricted is itself a victory of the heart.

There may or may not be more posts here, but I felt the need to write something tonight here in the "old playground." Hope everyone is doing well.

Useless Landscape

2007-02-01T09:58:00.000-08:00

So it's been a pretty miserable few weeks here, for both beautiful k and myself. There's lots to get past and I don't want to bother anyone with details, but this has been a painful thing. I keep telling myself that I'm a lucky person, that I live in a time and place of great luxury, that I'm not a Rwandan refugee, I'm not an Appalachian coalminer whose tour of duty in Iraq was just extended again. Life could be so much worse.

So while the landscape around me is bleaker than it used to be, I've got a landscape and I can still walk through it. k and I still talk a little nearly every day, and we are involved in each other's lives as good friends are. This is how things will be for the foreseeable future, learning to live with smaller dreams.

Our time as a couple was the most intense and glorious and transcendent of my life. I learned more about myself, grew into a better human being, connected with the rest of the world in a deeper and more meaningful way. As the song says, "they can't take that away from me."

I wish neither of us were hurting so much, but that's just a fact of life right now. I wanted to add my thanks to all of you readers over the past 16 months - this blog has been a place of great beauty and excitement, and I treasure all the connections we've made with a great bunch of readers and fellow writers. It's been a joy. Lovely k or I may post here from time to time, but it will likely be a sporadic thing.

Thank you all for coming along on the journey with us.

on infinite repeat

2007-01-23T11:36:00.000-08:00

Ironic endings

2007-01-20T17:35:00.000-08:00

It's ironic the way life works sometimes. After the biggest most wonderful highs come the most soul crushing heart breaking falls. That seems to have happened for Irch and I. I won't go too far into specifics, but I feel like you all deserve a proper ending to all of this rather than just a forgetting by either of us.

Earlier this week, Irch encountered a crisis in his real life, one of such magnitude that he had to make a choice. Possibly one of the most difficult choices to make - between me and his real life and the people in it. I'm sure you all, judging by the way I've begun this post, can guess which decision he ultimately came to.

As much as it breaks both of our hearts Irch has decided the best thing to do in this situation is to release me from his collar and go about dealing with things in his real life. Such is part of the problem with online relationships, as much as we love and need one another, there are just somethings which demand our attention more.

So this week has probably been one of the hardest weeks I've ever had, it's hard to live your life in constant heart break, but each day we're moving on.

I'm not sure what will become of this blog, we're leaving it up, as a record of what we had. I am not sure if Irch will post anything about all this, he may. These past 16 months have been the happiest of my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Irch and I will continue to be friends, even though it is impossible for us to continue on as we have been doing, simply because neither one of us could imagine life where we no longer talked to the other.

I am just so glad we had this place to share some of ourselves with you all, to show the world what we had and maybe even help some people in similar situations. Thank you all for your love and support over this past year, it has meant so much to both of us. I have loved the support and comments we've gotten since we started, it has been so encouraging to know there are people out there in similar situations dealing with some of the same things, and even to know that people were actually reading about us. I have loved sharing us with you, and I am sad that I won't have the chance to do that any longer.

It's amazing how everything you love and hope and dream for can be taken away in one swift motion leaving you with nothing.

So we'll see how things go, day by day.

Togetherness

2007-01-12T13:18:00.000-08:00

So I found this very nice post in kaya's blog, which expresses quite well the feelings I have about long-distance relationships like the one my scrumptious k and I have. As she and I discuss more intensely our desires to be together in the flesh and the powerful magnetic pull between us over the miles, it's refreshing to find a "defense" of online D/s. I have a long history of posting various ramblings and musings on this topic here in the past, and I won't bring that all up again, but I will talk a little about a few big milestones we've been going through lately, which have made me feel more and more interlinked with her, more in love with her, more her Master than ever (and yes, I know I've said that about a hundred times now, but really it just keeps getting better and more intense with this woman):

1. Well you've read about the collar in expressive k's previous post. I never thought it would feel as good as it does to know that she is wearing it, every moment, touching it for strength and comfort. To know that every breath she takes passes through that loop, that something symbolizing my love is surrounding her every minute of the day. And beyond all that, just knowing that she wants to wear it, willingly displays a sign of our connection for all to see. Powerful and humbling.

2. I posted here last week about how we've been sending pictures back and forth more often, since we both have the cellphones with cameras in them. Well one night recently, my surrendering k got deep down into her subbie mode, and I decided the time was ripe, so I demanded and got something that I've been holding back on for quite a long time. Yep, I have now seen my subbie naked. I'll probably have to do a whole long separate post on all the wonderfully complex interwoven emotions that came to the fore from that. But the first and most obvious thing to say: k is just stunningly beautiful. I don't think I'll ever be able to put into words here or anywhere just how gorgeous and glorious she is, nor how brave and obedient and trusting to show me herself that way. Just wow.

3. I send packages of various things to my bouncy surprise-loving k quite often. And yesterday I sent something out of the ordinary. Inspired by this post on Desire-X, I sent my love a shirt that I wore through the day. She'll probably get it in the mail tomorrow, and I'm kind of half-giddy thinking about it. This will be the closest we've come to the realms of touch and smell.

4. Scholarly k has been very responsive and eager follow through on all the writing and research involved in her applications to graduate school, too. I keep swelling up further with pride and sometimes I think I'm going to just burst. And "burst" in other ways too, because as I've mentioned many times, her hardworking focused brilliance turns me on like nothing else.

5. With not much time for online play, we've been having more phone sex, and fuck it has been just so hot I am having a hard time sitting still in my chair just remembering some of it. A few days ago I administered a spanking to her over the phone, only the second time I've tried that (I know it seems ridiculous, but I'll get into how it works some other time). It was profound and sensual and explosive and wild. Similar to getting the pictures from her (see number 2, above), in that I got her to say things out loud that she'd never said before. I heard a new depth of submission in her voice, and unsurprisingly I reacted instinctually, rising to a new height of dominance.

So there are a few updates, some of which I'll elaborate on in the upcoming days. I am just so high on my succulent subbie, so madly in love with her, made so complete and so transcendent by her.

And have I mentioned she has one hot gorgeous desire-fueling body that I lust after? How is it possible that his unparallelled, complex, fantastic, exquisite creature belongs to me?

on Christmas Gifts

2007-01-10T22:37:00.000-08:00

So as you all know, Irch asked me to do a little blog post on His mystery Christmas gift. But first we have to reveal the mystery gift.

It was ...*pause for dramatic effect*... a collar!

Irch and i have never really done the whole collar thing, well not until several months ago when He sent me a few necklaces He'd made and i would wear one as sort of a makeshift collar. The one i opened at midnight on Christmas eve, though, this is one that i wear every day now. It is simply His initial on a chain, though the fun part is my own initial is worked into His, so it's perfect for us.

It's not anything fancy, or anything that is obviously a collar. But to me it is so much more than just a necklace or a collar or anything i could even think to describe it. I haven't yet been able to put into words, and i doubt i will now, just how much i love wearing His collar. I mean yes, i've done that since i first became His, but now to have an actual physical representation of what we've had for 16 months now, it's just so intense. To actually feel it pressing against my skin, to know that it is always there, that His lips touched this thing which rests against my chest every day. It's just more than i could have hoped for.

I love holding it, and playing with it during my day. It's a source of comfort for me when things get particularly frustrating at work or anytime during the day. I can just breath and feel Him there with me, actually feel the weight of His strength, and i am reminded that i'm never alone. I must have been a really good girl this past year, because really it's the best.

There is so much more emotion and love wrapped up in wearing His collar, but i am having trouble finding the right words to describe it, how can you put so much into just a few words. I am just so many things to Irch, but wearing His collar makes clear the most important: i am His slave. I doubt i could ever find enough or the right words to tell you all just how much i love and am loved by my wonderful Irch, and what being His really means, but for now just know it is the most amazing and beautiful life changing thing i have ever experienced.

Morning Rituals

2007-01-09T11:29:00.000-08:00

In the morning, I shower, brush my teeth and hair, shave my face. And the person I see in the mirror - that is k's Master.

What a profound joyful transcendent moment every single day. So in love with my girl. Life is good.

See and Be Seen

2007-01-04T15:44:00.000-08:00

Since my glorious k and I have had difficulty finding time to be online together lately (work schedules plus evening activities plus the time difference all add up to frustration sometimes), I haven't been able to pursue one of the main goals I've wanted to focus on these past months: using the webcam together more often.

Now in case you haven't been following along lately, my outstanding k has opened herself up to the possibilities of the webcam more, and she's also become markedly less shy about sending me pictures of herself, either by request or just when she feels like it. This kind of trust and openness has been a wonderful thing, and something I don't take for granted by a long shot. She is one gorgeous woman, and it's always shocking to me how the look in her eyes can floor me in an instant - all those years of only knowing her through what she typed never prepared me for just how physically beautiful and alluring she is. I find myself wanting more and more.

So since the webcam has been hard to find time for, I went out and got myself one of those camera cell phones about a month back. Now in spare moments at work or at home or at the grocery store or wherever I am, I can snap a picture to send to her. She's got one too, of course, being of the generation for whom cell-phones are second nature, and she'll send me pictures from time to time as well.

All in all, it's been a lot of fun. But I find myself getting kind of manic about it from time to time. I'll send her several pictures in a day, showing my mood or where I am or something on the street that caught my eye. Part of this is the novelty, I'm sure, but it makes me wonder why I look for excuses to send these pictures of myself ... am I that much of an egomaniac? Why does it seem more "personal" somehow to do that rather than type a poignant and romantic message sometimes?

And we haven't even gotten into the realm of cock pictures. Yes, I snap these photos and send them along to her waaay too often. I have no idea why - just because I can, I suppose. I've always had a mild exhibitionist streak, but nothing like this before. I mean, intellectually I know that this is something she's seen before, and she already is aware that she turns me on in thousands of ways every moment. There's no earthly reason for it, but I keep on doing it. I mean, it's flattering to get such positive feedback from her and all, but I don't know if that's the primary motivation. There's definitely a big element of "hey look at me!" involved.

Seems like I'm rambling on today with no real point, so I'll try and make my next blog-post have some actual focus and cohesion. Meanwhile, I've imposed upon my succulent k to write a little bit about her special christmas present soon, so stay tuned!

Happy New Year

2006-12-30T15:58:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, k here. Just wanted to take a break from all the work i've been doing and wish you all an early Happy New Years!

I did get to open that mystery package from Irch on Christmas day, actually it was around midnight on Christmas Eve, so technically still on Christmas day. I think i'll wait though to tell you what it was until Irch is back.

He's on a little holiday trip, and won't be back until after the new year. I've been busy working on some assignments from Him though, so i am constantly thinking of Him. And thanks to His gift i can feel Him with me every minute of the day.

So i hope you will all have a very happy new year! And may this next year be even more exciting than this year past.

Happy Holidays

2006-12-23T08:34:00.000-08:00

Many joyous tidings of the season to all. May you all find the thrilling happiness, the rich earthiness, the transcendent sublimity that My love and ownership of my k gives me.

I mailed my elfin girl a sack-o-presents, which she opened the other day, before heading home to be with her family. Well she opened all but on small special present, which I'm asking her to unwrap on Christmas morning. I love surprises, and even more I love making my impatient k wait for things sometimes. Delayed gratification = one of the most useful tools in the Dom toolbelt ( and yes I suppose the belt itself is useful from time to time as well, thanks for asking).

Hope you are all making merry, drinking hot cocoa, singing centuries-old songs, and generally having a lovely holiday!

In Praise of Smart Submissive Women

2006-12-15T11:56:00.001-08:00

So like a lot of men, I've been attracted to smart women my whole life. That's just one of the million wonderful irresistible things about my spectacular k, of course, but one of extreme importance to me.

I should qualify that by saying not just "smarts," but what some people might call "book-smarts" are what turn me on most. Brilliance and originality and imagination for sure, but also the depth and breadth of understanding, the enjoyment of knowledge itself, a level of geekiness about subject matter, a flair for the metaphysical. This my clever k has in abundance.

And when it's on display and in evidence as much as it has been this past week or so, I am just constantly craving her. Rigid and thrumming and heated and coiled-to-strike every moment of the day.

I won't get into all the myriad reasons that hyper-intelligent women are so alluring, but I will say that in a D/s relationship like ours, that level of brain power is even more attractive... For example, do you know the feeling of "Wow this person who is so brilliant and amazingly smart actually wants to spend time with me!"? It's so flattering and wonderful to realize that a person you admire intellectually would choose you. Well, take that a step further into the D/s world, and it becomes "Wow this person who is so brilliant and amazingly smart actually wants to lay in my lap for a spanking, then kneel and beg to swallow my cum!"

Yep, definitely a whole different level of "wow."

Diligent k has been hard at work lately, working on scholarly things for her graduate school applications (which I try to help with as much as I can), so I'm getting to see some new expression of her genius every day. She's also been very diligent about following the time-frames I've set out for her, keeping up and making sure she'll have everything ready when the time comes to send in the forms and papers. The combination of her astounding brilliance and her steady obedience has kept me in sexual overdrive the last week or two. It's no surprise that we've been having some of the hottest, most intense scenes of the 15-odd months that she's been Mine.

Guess I have a brain fetish. Luckily I am with the right woman for that.

Braving the Elements

2006-12-11T10:10:00.000-08:00

Well I think I've written here enough times about how I do love the phone sex with my brilliant k. Well one thing that hasn't happened as often as we'd like lately, is being on the phone together when we can both really be as loud as we want. Often I'm calling her when her housemates are within earshot, which means that she can't raise her voice too loud when speaking, and tries to keep those delicious moans, keens, and orgasmic wails as stifled as she can.

Yes, it can be arousing to feel her fight to control and constrain her own outbursts, but sometimes I really want to hear what she has to say beyond those (admittedly eloquent) gasps and whimpers. So last night, I asked her to go on a "car date" with me.

I drove my car out to a secluded spot, she did too. I looked at the moon through the clouds. We had a luxurious rich time together on the phone. I got to hear her call me her Master as she built to orgasm. She came, shatteringly. I came, explosively. We longed to be together, flesh to flesh, as we always do.

My devastatingly obedient k went out in very cold Texas winter weather to do this, late at night, simply because I asked. She didn't raise the slightest objection, but simply wanted it because I wanted it. And somehow her matter-of-factness about it was the thing that stunned me the most. I requested, and she complied, without question, despite the weather and the late hour and the fact that she'd have to make up some excuse to her roommates.

That is the kind of time-stopping moment that fills me with awe at her submission, reminds me of the heady responsibility that comes with being her Dom, shows me the profound power of our relationship, and turns me on like nothing else. So far past just fulfilling needs and base desires, our D/s is a mode of being, a way of living, a meaning within meanings.

I am so madly in love with my unique and glorious k.

Domly Pride

2006-12-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

Well I am just ridiculously proud of my stunning k these days. She has made a serious commitment to getting graduate school applications out this year, and since the moment she reached the decision, she has been so dedicated to the goal. Just a wonderful whirlwind of activity, quite impressive to watch.

And of course I can't help but feel that big welling up of pride in my chest when I see her tackling these big difficult projects and putting so much of herself into the work. This is something that she doesn't have to do. She's doing it because she has the desire (and a willing mentor through the process), and she goes into it fully aware of the amount of effort it will take. The fact that she is taking time out of her other activities and pastimes to focus on this never fails to make me smile.

I've written here before about how this kind of pride is different from any other I've experienced. Obviously it's based on the kind of special feeling you get when the person you are in love with does something wonderful in the world. That's the basis, but it extends outward to other places too. There's a sort of teacher/student twist to it too, and of course an erotic component (Yes when she bears down and concentrates like she does, it makes me hard - I'm a freak like that). But it's beyond those things too.

k amazes constantly, but I never get used to it. I feel like I can take part in her accomplishments and endeavors more than I ordinarily would simply because I am her Dom. I lay claim to everything she does (good or bad) to some degree. I know that the solid core of strength at the center of her, that which gives her the power to do great things, is something that I own and nurture and cultivate. Not that it isn't her strength - it undoubtedly is intrisic to the person she is at heart, with our without me - but I know that I help her to recognize it and use it and see it for what it is.

And once she gets going, she is just unstoppable. Keep working hard, my sexy one.

Hot Chocolate

2006-11-29T16:06:00.000-08:00

So it should come as no surprise that I love to eat - think I've mentioned that enough times here. My enjoyment of hot chocolate, though, goes beyond the usual sensual pleasures of food and drink. I don't make it unless it's cold, and it carries the connotation of introspection, a gathering inward both physical and mental. Not so much a "hearth and home" thing, as just a slower and more muted flow between myself and the outside world.

Making chocolate takes some time, at least the way I make it, and of course I've got my favorite ways to do it so that it comes out right. It's important to me that it be rich, for one thing. Whole milk only, please (or soy milk in a pinch, still better than lowfat, and with that nutty kind of edge to it). I've got to feel that I'm really drinking something substantial, with some body to it.

I like the bitterness of chocolate balanced by the sweetness of sugar, but not overwhelmed by it. The tension between the two is sexy. And add in some savory elements, which of course are my well-kept secret, and maybe a dash of vanilla. The whole thing must be simmered at low heat for a long time, with care and patience as the flavor matures, but also with snapping whips of the wire whisk to keep everything blended properly and create a nice froth on top.

Is it any wonder that making a good cup of cocoa makes Me ache to touch My far-richer, far-sweeter, far more complex, far far far more fulfilling k?

Starting the Day Off right

2006-11-21T13:51:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned recently how I do love the phone sex with my succulent k? This morning we happened to manage about 40 minutes together before we each had to leave for our respective workplaces. I wanted more than anything to make her cum.

I flipped on my webcam, and basically just stared at her through it, while my fingers flew over the keyboard. Probably the most typographical errors ever, but I think the gist of what I was getting at went through. I didn't want her to type back to me, and she didn't. Just watched my eyes and read my words and rubbed her clit and imagined all the things I was describing.

And then time was running short - I picked up the phone and continued our little "scene" that way, still with her just listening. Well, not exactly just that. She made delicious noises: the tight sharp hisses and keening whimpers and throaty moans I love more than anything. They are still ringing in my ears now, hours later. She gasped my name as she came, which is a pure miracle every time it happens.

So yeah, sometimes having a time limit can be fun. Sometimes my subbie having to be quiet because of roommates that might hear her can be fun. Always pulling my gorgeous k down deep into that spiral of submission and drawing her orgasm out in unraveling sheer ribbons of ecstasy is transcendent pleasure.

Perfect way to relax before work. Thanks, telecommunications industry!

A Woman's Touch

2006-11-20T15:09:00.000-08:00

A couple of times recently, my spectacular k has brought up her fantasies about being intimate with another woman. It never fails to evoke a rich melange of emotional reactions in me. I'm not going to sort it all out here today, obviously, but I'm going to start the process by listing and annotating some of the stronger components of the reaction, as I feel it today anyway.

1. The overarching feeling is that this is a beautiful part of my sweet k's personality and one of many tantalizing parts of her complex innerworkings of desire. I love this aspect precisely because it is intrinsic to who she is.

2. She belongs to me. Our bond is deep and strong and true, a a fundamental strand in that bond is the exclusivity of our arrangement. Justifiably and unabashedly greedy, I don't want to share her.

3. And yet, her complete sexual and emotional fulfillment is a very important aspiration. Short of major medical procedures, this is a fantasy that I'll never be able to realize for her by myself.

4. Our D/s relationship is the most sublime, the most wondrous, the most soul-expanding experience of my life. The power-exchange is beautiful and instinctual and heady with meaning. Any alteration in the circumstances (even just playing around here and there) is bound to result in changes to the dynamic. This doesn't scare me as much as it just makes me wonder.

5. I would love to be part of my luscious k's exploration of this side of herself. To be present, involved in some way or other, with her first overtly-sexual touch of another woman would be so intense - seeing her learn about herself is always amazing. Knowing more of who she is can only be better.

6. Two women making out = hot!

Anyway, these are some of the thoughts that pop into my head each time the subject comes up. It's not like there is a plan or a destiny here - just the musings of an overanalytical mind. Certainly nothing's going to happen to change the direction we are going when we haven't even met in person yet. Right now, that's the most immediate goal - anything beyond is conjecture.

Before I collared her, irresistibly sexy k used to play with other women in the chatrooms, and several times the two of us would have scenes with other submissive women. That was all back before I fell in love with her, though, and when having D/s scenes online was purely diversion. I find my mind looking from a completely new angle now (though yeah, #6 proves that some of the old mindset remains).

When the time comes, we'll figure out what's right for her, right for us. And no matter what shape that takes, she will always be mine.

Time Slip

2006-11-15T12:14:00.000-08:00

Time slips by so quickly sometimes, like warm water sluicing between interlaced fingers.

This week and next are difficult ones for me ... lots of work and lots of family things happening, which means not as much time online with my glorious k. So naturally I have been setting her up with several offline assignments to do for me - most of them not particularly sexual (but yeah some are of course), just simple things that can keep us in contact, keep her feeling subbed-out, keep her on the road to graduate school next year.

Normally I'm very loose with these things, letting stuff slide and only having a deadline for the sake of having a deadline. But especially with the grad-school things, there are real-world actual deadlines looming, so I'm trying to tighten down.

But that is hard to do. My stupendous k has a job, has social acitvities, has roommates, has other obligations. She deserves time to relax, too. I've been trying to find the right mix of enticements, coaxing, threats, cajoling, inspiration, and guidance to move things along. I haven't found that right mix yet.

I catch myself bordering on frustration sometimes, when I narrow my focus down and think of this as a "problem" to be solved. But it only takes one smile or turn of phrase from that amazing girl to remind me that it's not that at all. It's just the two of us, madly in love, working out our roles as we go.

It's me learning to be her Dom, and that just takes some time.

Dreaming Away

2006-11-12T12:54:00.000-08:00

This marks six nights in a row that I have dreamed of my owned k. Each one has been different, varying in setting, tone, length, depth, wildness. But in each I have dominated her and she has submitted to me. Sometimes it's been a sparkle in her eyes and a catch in her sigh. Sometimes it's been her surrendering her body as a vessel for my lusts. Sometimes it's been her discovering her own inner strength again through me. Sometimes it's been her active and mischevous seeking of ways to serve. Sometimes it's been an achingly beautiful laying bare, an offering of her whole self.

Sometimes I've awoken in woozy reverie, sometimes in stark shock at the power of her love, always with a turgid and pulsating cock that seems to want to point, dowsing-rod-like, to the wellspring of My desire, far to the southeast.

I dream of my splendid k very often, but this is the longest stretch of nights on end that I've ever had. It may have something to do with our schedules being out of sync often lately. Or it may be that my dreamlife - that shadow self that sees through the mind's eye - has no use for anything or anyone else any more. Why dream of anything but the woman I spend my waking days thinking of? What subject more crucial, more intricate, more wonderful?

Name Game

2006-11-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

My tasty splendid k and I were talking about names last night. I first knew her by her chatroom nickname, and the day she told me her real name was really one of those early moments of honesty and trust that I think about all the time. Here on the blog, we use variations on our chatroom names, but really she's never anything but her real name in my mind.

Well, unless we're talking about other kinds of names. Pet names, "role" names, etc. I never in a million years thought I'd like being called Master, for example. I'd never insist on it, in fact resisted it for a while. But I've come to see it as a gift from sweet k. It's an aknowledgment of my place in her life, of what I do for her and what she does for me. I don't consider her to be my slave (though heh, once in a while I'll use that word anyway, mostly when I want to drive her deep into her subbie headspace), and really I don't want a slave. But our roles in each other's lives have expanded outward from the bedroom to encompass a lot more, and as that has happened, she's used the word Master more. It has meaning for both of us, and I'm not ashamed to say that it gives me a deep jolt of Domliness each time she uses it. A one-word testosterone-trigger.

And I've tried various names for her as well, though her real name is so mellifluous I tend to use that more than anything else. I have used "girl" a lot - feels kind of transgressive and it took me a while to get past the age thing. It's a lot more comfortable now. And then there's "pet," which I used for a while, and is now starting to come back. Again, there are some connotations attached to it which I have to work through. Both these names have the power-relationship going the right general direction, but they skew in arcs that aren't the ones I am fully comfortable with.

It's a shame that language is so powerful and yet so confining sometimes. Ideally there would be a word that would express the myriad and subtle interplays between us, that would capture the way we complete each other, that would encapsulate the rich slow-cooked love between us. But I guess that's a lot to expect out of a handful of phonemes.

So I settle for what seems right in the moment. I called her "My slut" last night, and it was just the correct name in that situation at that time. Expressed everything I wanted to say (I'll leave just what the situation was to your vivid and twisted imaginations, dear readers).

The act of naming, even cute little pet names, carries so much power. It's a way of ordering the universe, mapping it to better fit the contours of our minds. Language is in many ways our primary interaction with the world. And in the case of my ebullient k and I, it's the main mode of personal interaction as well - we can't "speak" from body to body yet, so choice of words has a greater impact. That's one reason I like having her write my name on her body, to try and blend the linguistic and the physical - the word become flesh, so to speak. One day my hand placed calmly, quietly, claimingly, on her thigh will express what before might have taken a long rapturous treatise. (Let's all say it with bad Maurice Chevalier accents: "zee international language of love")

Till then, I'll keep ruminating on names, and see which ones work and which don't. I know that I'll never get used to being called "Master," hearing k's sweet bright tones pronounce the name that means so much to both of us.

In person II

2006-11-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

So it's been a while since i've posted anything here, and since i am going out of town this weekend and won't be able to talk to my Irch at all until Sunday i thought i would leave Him a little something here before i left.

Recently Irch posted a list of some of the things He would like to do when we are finally able to be together in person. I have my own list of things i would like to do with Him (some similar and others not quite), so i thought i would share my list with you all.

Some things i would like to do (by far not a complete list):

1. Sit in His lap
2. Kiss Him for hours and hours
3. Rest my head on His shoulder and know that is where i belong
4. Kneel while He's standing in front of me
5. Kneel while He sits and rest my head on His knee.
6. Take His thick cock into my mouth
7. Taste His warm rich cum as it fills my mouth and slides down my throat
8. Fall asleep beside Him
9. Wake up next to Him
10. Watch Him sleep
11. Slip beneath the covers to wake Him with a morning blowjob
12. Worship His cock for hours and hours
13. Listen to Him sing to me
14. Lay with my head in His lap with His hand in my hair
15. Hold hands
16. Hug Him and never let go
17. Look into His eyes
18. Kneel and recite my pledge while He watches in the morning
19. Offer each part of my body to Him in my routine at night
20. Lick my lips and watch His reaction
21. Stick my tongue out at Him
22. Tickle Him (no matter how much trouble i may get into)
23. Fall asleep with one arm over His chest, one leg over His, and my head on His chest
24. Lay in bed talking all day
25. Sleep in late together
26. Read to Him
27. Shower together
28. Cook for Him, while He stands behind me watching
29. Watch Him play the piano, or guitar
30. Listen to Him read to me
31. Take a long nap together in the middle of the day
32. Arch my back and bend over the bed, while i look back at Him
33. Ask Him to spank me
34. Take my time learning every part of His body intimately
35. Watch His cock grow hard in my hand
36. Feel His cock grow hard in my mouth
37. Listen to the sounds He makes when He cums deep in my mouth
38. Listen to the sounds He makes when He cums deep in my cunt
39. Tell silly jokes to one another
40. Tell someone that He is my Master when we are out together
41. Serve Him in anyway He wants
42. Cry out for joy that i am with my Owner
43. Gasp His name as i climax for Him while He holds my gaze
44. Fall asleep with His cock pressed against my ass and His arms around me
45. Wake up with His cock pressed against my ass and His arms around me
46. Take a picture together
47. Flash Him while we're in public
48. Listen to the sound of His voice with my ear pressed against His chest
49. Take His cock all the way into the back of my throat
50. Look into His eyes when i tell Him i love Him

Day and Night

2006-10-31T16:43:00.000-08:00

One thing I enjoy about the intensely beautiful and life-altering relationship between my ebullient k and I is its ubiquity and continual presence. It's one of the things that at first made me wonder if an online relationship would ever be fulfilling. And to tell you the truth, if our only interactions were in IM, it would still be lovely, but it likely wouldn't feel so sublime and deliciously pervasive.

Simply put, I think of my delicious k constantly, and thanks to the magic of text messages and voicemail and email and all those other technological things, we can exchange thoughts at any moment, so that we can be "together" all day long. I can share her little triumphs and tribulations as they happen, and just be connected all the time.

There's something about being connected like that through the day that really appeals to the Dom side of me - knowing that she is thinking about me and keeping me in her heart, knowing that I can use some well-chosen words to make her smile or gasp or grow wet any time I want to. Yes, definitely an ego thing, definitely a power thing, but so much more than that too... it's love that tells a story.

In a sense, all our relationship is built on story-telling - we don't experience things together the way an ordinary in-person couple does. We have shared experience, for sure, but of a different quality. And there's nearly always a narrative involved, a translation from action into word into memory. No possibility of silently sitting together and holding hands, sharing the warmth of each other's presence - unless we talk about it and imagine it together.

So since so much of our interaction is based on things that happen in a shared imaginative space at one remove from our bodies, it's a glorious thing to share the moment-to-moment reactions and minutiae of our "real world" days together in parallel. And as part of that experience, to keep my presence fully integrated into her daily routine, there are a few things I ask my brilliant and generous k to do regularly.

She kneels when she wakes up in the morning, and sends me a text or email shortly thereafter. She masturbates to orgasm each night before falling asleep, and usually calls me from bed afterwards, so that the last word on her lips is my name. I encourage her to cum in the shower in the morning as well, though that's less of a rule and more of a fun way to start the day. Oh and I get pictures of her every week now, which is one of my favorite new developments. She has other weekly and intermittent assignments from me as well, but these are some of the ones that have lasted the longest and are fairly strict.

I love my sweet gorgeous k, and being at the forefront of her mind so often during her day is one of the things I am most proud of in my life, and that gives me intense pleasure. She thrills me down to my bones each and every moment.

Happy Halloween everyone! boo!

The Joy of Text

2006-10-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

Well it was bound to happen eventually. The stars aligned in a certain fashion and suddenly my delicious k and I found ourselves having text-message sex. Didn't think such a thing was possible, really. But I should have known that two imaginative people could make such an outrageous thing work.

Now we've played around at such things in the past, mostly teasing and using text messages as a warm-up to some play on the phone or in IM or something. My sexy k was sitting at home, but I was caught in a situation where I wasn't able to talk on the phone or get to a computer, but I could sit and send text messages to my heart's content.

So I did. And it actually was really hot.

Luckily we've gotten used to the rhythm of texting, the short length of each message, the wait of half a minute or so between messages, the sneaky shortcuts to keep thumbs from falling off. I think it helped that k was on her computer and I was texting from the phone - only one of us had to deal with the less-than-ideal way of writing words that is the numeric keypad.

Because of our long and colorful shared history of cyber-sex, I know how to turn my woman on with words. Never ceases to amaze me how real and how visceral one's reactions can be to the written word - doesn't seem like it should be so easy to cause physical responses in someone by typing alphanumeric characters, does it?

But even with all the barriers in the way, it really worked. I brought my succulent k to her knees and to a shuddering orgasm (in that order). Yes, in this I was certainly aided by her vivid imagination and her nimble fingers, but there is no doubt in my mind that it was me who made it happen.

Just goes to show you that any technology will ultimately be perverted into a means to sexual pleasure. If not by us, then by someone else ;)

Unique

2006-10-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering lately what it means to be dominant, to be "a Dom," and I've come to the realization that really I don't have much of an idea. I mean, I have vague outlines from reading I've done and talking to others, but really it's just a big mess of allusions and metaphors and half-assed concepts.

When I started to really feel the dominance in me awakening and roaring to the fore about 6-8 months ago, I thought that maybe the idea of what a Dom is would become clearer to me, but if anything it's gotten murkier. It's possible that more experience might change the nature of my understanding, but at this point I rather doubt it. It's an epistemological thing for me now - I'm starting to doubt if it's a kind of knowledge that can be grasped and codified at all. The more I try to pin it down, the slipperier it becomes.

This is not to say that I don't understand dominance at all. I do perfectly understand and continue to explore and expand and refine and redefine a dominance. My dominance. This is something that's wondrous and wild and protean, but I have a decent handle on it. My dominating k, k's submission to me: I get those. Mysterious, but knowable.

I guess if you add up all the myriad relationships in the world that identify as D/s in some way or another, and ran a series of questionnaires and did a good statistical regression analysis and had some top social scientists review the data, you might have yourself the beginnings of a core definition of dominance. But then again, you might just have a big ol mess.

In the end, the only thing I really care about is our D/s, of course, the relationship that my transcendent k and I have molded and enjoyed and nurtured. And really there's so much more to it all than just dominance and submission, but the D/s is fundamentally woven into every interaction now. I suppose that's the main problem in trying to abstract what "a Dom" is - how can dominance be disentagled from every other aspect of personality and emotion and thought?

It feels to me that dominance might be a kind of nature, not a just a kind of practice, though I am holding back judgment on that - finding the dividing line between what you are and what you do is one for greater philosophers than me. Meantime, I'll keep enjoying this grand and ennobling opening-up of deep resonances in me. More than that, I'll keep enjoying the sweet love and submission of the woman I adore beyond words.

Refined Taste

2006-10-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

I've never seen my delectable k in person, but I've seen pictures and seen her on the jerky pixellated webcam, each time making my heart pulse wildly. I've never heard her voice in person, but I've spoken to her over the phone untold time, and thrilled to her sultry dulcet enunciations. I love that the internet can help us bridge those gaps. But scent, touch, and taste don't email well, so a lot of my fantasizing about being with her (see the last post) involved those senses.

Today I want to talk about the sense of taste and the process of cooking and the whole way food and sex and conflated in my mind. When I say that I am hungry for k, it's a metaphor, sure. But it's also empirically true - I crave the taste of her. Not the same way I might crave coffee ice cream or cold raspberries or fresh basil, more the way I might feel my mouth watering when I read a recipe and imagine the blend of flavors there (but quite a lot stronger). I yearn for the time when I can lick, kiss, nibble at her flesh, and just learn the many tastes of her body.

There's something so deeply gratifying about that - some essence of each other than only lovers know. A wickedly intimate power comes from knowing how someone tastes. And of course the more private and hidden from daily view the morsel is, the more precious is the knowledge.

When we taste, we take. Molecules exciting receptors, causing enzymic reactions, information rushing along nerves to the brain. We own an "image" of that flavor in memory. I want that of my scrumptious k, to have the patterns of her tastes to carry in my mind and call up when I wish.

I'm posted her before about cooking for this incredible woman I own. I've done that a few times now, and it's hard to capture in words the melange (sorry, couldn't resist the metaphor) of emotions it brings up in me every time I do it. There's something ancient and ritualistic and deep about the process of cooking that I can tap into more profoundly when I do it for her. I work, somewhat creatively and somewhat by rote, to create something. That effort and patience and love are poured into a product that she then tastes and takes into her body. There's something very satisfying about that.

So this all was a funny roundabout way of getting to the fact that my scrumptious k and I have started trading recipes a lot lately. And sending text messages back and forth while we are cooking to share inspiration or solve problems. Somehow being part of the whole kitchen experience like that is very erotic. I've always wanted to cook a whole meal for her, and watch her eat it, and I've fantasized about the two of us working on preparing food together. But the other day, for the first time, I recognized a deep desire to have her cook for me.

I want to watch her scoot around the kitchen, putting things together, testing, making little mistakes, trying to be patient, adding her own special personality to the food and its preparation. I want to peek over her shoulder and enjoy the rhythm of the cooking process, and I want to know that she is doing it for me. I want to savor the creation and think about its relation to the creator. I want to look into her eyes and smile my appreciation. I want to devour the food with vigor and then smoothly segue into devouring her with one thousand times the lust, so that the cook herself becomes part of the meal she made.

mmmm dessert.

in person

2006-10-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about meeting my sumptuous k in person for the first time. That's not coming up right around the corner or anything, but it occupies my thoughts a whole lot, as you can imagine. So I've decided to start a little list, about some of the things I've been thinking of doing when the two of us actually occupy the same room.

Some things I want to do (a very incomplete list in no particular order):

1. stare into her eyes and breathe in her presence
2. tangle my fingers in her hair
3. sit with her head in my lap
4. kiss her mouth for about two hours without pause
5. hear her whisper my name
6. know the size of her hand in mine
7. kiss her inner wrist and nibble at the flesh there
8. play a hot game of scrabble
9. take a very long walk, preferably in cool and damp weather, fingers interlaced
10. cook a meal for her, and watch her eat it
11. get our picture taken together
12. see her tongue peek out the side of her mouth when she concentrates
13. make out in a car or in a movie theater like a couple of horny teenagers
14. spank her
15. sing a song together
16. savor the juices of her cunt
17. sleep naked with her
18. go out dancing
19. go out dancing knowing that she holds my cum in her body
20. press my hand to the curve of her hip
21. read a book to her or listen to her read to me
22. inhale her scent deeply
23. go out for a run and shower together afterwards
24. shop for groceries together
25. feel the weight of her breasts in my palms
26. sit with my arm around her
27. undress her
28. warm up her icy cold feet on my stomach
29. bake a pie together
30. give her ass a squeeze in public
31. feel her nipples tighten and pucker under my touch
32. stand before her as she kneels
33. watch her get dressed and brush her hair
34. hear the gasps and keens she makes as she approaches orgasm, right in my ear
35. hum low and deep with my lips pressed to her cunt
36. watch her draw or paint
37. refer to her as "Mine" in front of other people
38. take her earlobe between my teeth
39. massage her shoulders and back
40. place my hand on her thigh
41. feel her eyelashes flutter against my skin
42. watch her sleep
43. mark her with a bright red hickey on her neck
44. drink hot chocolate together
45. whisper all manner of salacious things in her ear to make her thighs clench
46. work on a crossword puzzle together
47. do something cliche-manly, like open a jar or kill a spider
48. listen to her heart beat in her chest
49. hold her in my lap as I let my hands roam over every surface of her body
50. look into her eyes when I tell her I love her

Patience

2006-09-25T23:49:00.000-07:00

When I can't be with my extraordinary k, and a whole day can go by without being able to exchange words, I'm thrown out of sorts in many ways. There's the unfulfilled-ness of being out of touch with the one I love. There's the incompleteness of my dominance sort of hanging out in thin air without her complimentary submission. There's just plain old loneliness.

It helps if I think of my patience as a gift that I'm giving her - something that I'm actively doing (you know how us Dommy types don't like to feel passive and helpless).

I've always been a patient person in most things, but when it comes to k, it's not easy. My internal rhythms are all mixed up with hers now, so when we're not synced up, I find myself foundering, trying to find that beat again. It's a syncopation we can only create together.

So right now I'm just waiting for that downbeat.

Fantasy and Reality

2006-09-22T12:38:00.000-07:00

My sensational k and I have often shared different fantasies we've had. Some typical, some not so typical, the usual mixed bag I guess. I've got a stockpile of scenarios we might roleplay some day for fun - she has a thing for swaggering cowboys, I have a thing for hardboiled film-noir dames (see pictures).

And as I've remarked here many times, my first experiences with D/s were in that fantasy category as well. I've played at it in real life, but it's never been more than spice added to an encounter. The online chatroom communities were also just fantasy settings for me for the most part. I mean, how can you take seriously any place where someone named something like "HarshDestructiveMaster19" can say things like "which of you sluts is gonna crawl to my cock and suck all over it with your clit?" (actual chatroom quote which I will never forget)

An ongoing assignment I've given k is to write up for me one of her fantasies each week. Whether it's two sentences or something more involved, vague or detailed. And in return I write out one of my own. It's a fun exercise, but I've noticed something interesting lately: after the first couple of months, the fantasies that we shared with each other started to change, from the wild role-playing and deep-dark-secret kind into more attainable real-life scenarios. Nowadays, my greatest fantasies are all centered around her, and really pretty much all of them are about things that we will do together when we are finally together in the flesh.

My imaginative life is completely focused on the real person that my succulent k is, not some made-up submissive archetype. This carries over to when we scene in IM or on the phone as well -- I'm really not all that interested in pretending we are, say, having a midnight tryst in the Trevi Fountain or catching fireflies by the Kamo River. I appreciate the fun and romance of that truly, but I don't need it and don't pursue it. I'm much more interested in imagining us together in a real place - usually her bedroom or mine, maybe a car or a hotel room. That can add something semi-tangible to what we are sharing sometimes, but really the trappings aren't what it's about. Really all I care about is the intense dynamic between us, the fluid and earthy power of our shared love.

I dream of being with her constantly. That's all the romance I need.

Everything and More

2006-09-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

In those last two posts, my unerringly steadfast k expressed some powerful and profound emotions. Desires, cravings, and feelings that are the yin/yang mirror-image of mine. It never fails to stun me just how in tune we are with each other’s needs, and how we complement each other so effortlessly and beautifully, completing the circle. What I give, she takes. What she gives, I take.

I wanted to try and put into words here something about what it means when we talk about “everything.” Obviously, since we live apart, it’s not possible to share every moment together in the sweet physical proximity of lovers. Even if we did live together, there are jobs and studies and priorities and life-goals and activities and families and friends and illnesses and rent and taxes and laundry. Not everything we do would be done together in the strictest sense. (Goodness knows I’ve dreamed incessantly about what it would be like to truly build a life together with this woman I love, but it’s not in the cards for the near future anyway, due to some of the items towards the beginning of that list.) But even when we are not doing something as a couple, we want the sense of being a couple, that we form some sort of “unit” together.

More than that, I want to be present in her at all times, to color her thoughts, to be the first person she tells important things to, to be the one she discusses decisions with (from what’s for lunch to what’s the meaning of life), to help with problems and cheer on her triumphs. I want to be the “one” for her as she is the one for me.

Deeper still than that, I want my presence in her life to be that of her Dom. To guide and foster and cultivate and nourish and control. To be strength she can tap. To be devotion she can rely on. To be force she cannot resist. To lift, to expand, to arouse, to amuse, to empower, to restrict. To be love she cannot shake away.

The meaning of “everything” has evolved and shifted over time for us, and it will continue to change. It has always meant giving as much as we can possibly give to each other, and as walls crumble and worlds open, possibilities expand. I think this has been particularly true on k’s end, where shyness and an unfounded feeling of not deserving love have been receding slowly.

This “giving everything” is expressed in a lot of blogs and forums and chatrooms, but nearly always from the point of view of the sub. From the Dom side of the equation, it has just as much deep down, core-of-the-earth meaning, but it’s manifested differently.

As my wonderful k’s Dom, I give myself over to her as well. My foibles and weaknesses and failings are ever thrown into sharp relief, and correctives for such (while always inspired by k) must come from within me. Times that I haven’t been there when she needed me cause painful pangs even months later. There are frustrating, mind-numbing, confidence-crumbling moments of self-doubt, luckily all fleeting ones.

I can sympathize to large extent what it must mean for my k to “give everything” to me. There’s a monumental level of trust required, a huge investment of ego and self-image into the words and deeds of one person, and really just an emotional free-fall that requires untold reserves of bravery and strength. Now think about it from the my angle – the enormous responsibility to care for and cherish k, to guide and steer her, to have absolute rock-solid conviction that her life is made better by my presence and my dominance. She is placing so much in my hands. While my k is generous and forgiving, this is still an undertaking that is not to be shouldered lightly.

It’s all a bit scary at times, to tell you the truth. But I have a central tonic pitch to refer to in myself now, which is this heady mélange of love and dominance where luscious k is concerned. I know I may disappoint her from time to time, but there’s a core confidence that this is the way we are best together, as Dom and sub - that intrinsic parts of our personalities are locked together in this unique way. That we are both stronger and better and more true, we are both uncompromisingly right when we are on this path.

I am with my k for the long haul. I dominate her in ways I never thought possible. I demand everything and give everything in return. I love her with the sublime radiance of ten thousand blazing suns and with the twinkling sidelong reflection of moonlight in my eye. This is the way I choose to be. And only with her.

2006-09-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

I often tell Irch, of the aching desire in me for more. At times it seems selfish, but i am constantly craving more, more, more. This weekend sparked in me an intensity for more which i hadn't felt previously. This desire for more has been so overwhelming recently, it is all i have been able to think about.

I want more of the Man who owns me, i want more time with Him, i want more time to tell Him that i love Him, that i want nothing more than to serve Him and please Him anyway i possibly can. And there is just never enough time. My desire for Him just consumes me until there is nothing left, but the aching need to surrender and serve.

I can never tell Him enough, how much i love Him, how much i desire Him, how much i need to submit to Him, how i live to serve and please Him. I need more of Him to show Him each of these things again and again because i could never have enough of Him.

I want more of You Master, i desire more of You, i need more of You. More.

Everything

2006-09-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

When it comes to my emotions i am very closed off. I am so very guarded and don't often let anyone in past the walls i've built up around myself. Just a defense mechanism really, i've been hurt far to often to let people in too easily. I even keep my best friends at a distance so i won't have to worry about being hurt again.

Funny the way hurt works, when our physical body is wounded it will sometimes shut down the nerves near the wound to protect the body from further injury and pain. However, in this attempt to guard and protect itself the body also closes itself off to any pleasure it might otherwise receive. The mind works in that way as well. I have built up my walls so very high that, in my attempt to keep myself from further pain, i often shut myself off from greater pleasure. This is not to say i am some unfeeling wretch. But i do tend to keep my guard up in situations where i may have missed out on some pleasure i may have otherwise received.

Recently, i had a break down. One of my walls cracked from the strain of keeping so much inside and it was like the dam had been unleashed. Yes it was what i needed at the time, and yes i feel so much better after the fact. But had i not kept my walls up in that situation i need not have been under that emotional duress in the first place.

When Irch first asked me to be His, i don't think i fully comprehended to what extent i would actually be owned. Yes, i said He owned me completely, and yet there were parts of me that i kept hidden. I pulled things in behind my walls from the very Man who should own even those things which i dislike about myself. There should be no walls between us, no strain against the walls of my mind, and nothing held back from the Man i gave myself to.

Though it wasn't until recently that i fully understood what that meant. Over the past year i have opened myself up to Irch more than i have to anyone ever. I've overcome many obstacles which stood between us from the beginning and we are ever pushing through new barriers each day. And yet i still held back parts of myself.

Lucky for me, Irch told me simply that everything i am is His, those things we've pushed through already, and those things which part of me feels the need to hold on to. Everything. And while my walls may not have simply disappeared over night after He told me i wasn't allowed to hold things in the way i had done before. I feel them crumbling, slowly wearing away and awakening my heart and soul to all the new sensations which are waiting for me. It may be painful at times, to bare myself naked down to my soul, but think of all the pleasure that i would be missing out on if i didn't.

Even a few moments of pleasure is worth letting go of the past and pushing forward to the future.

Politics of Power Exchange

2006-09-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

So I wrote about this briefly once before, but felt it was time to delve in a little more deeply. Before I get into this, let me be perfectly clear: this is based on completely unscientific observation, merely my limited experience online. I'm not part of any "real-life" BDSM community, so what I've seen is a narrow view. And I know there are a million exceptions to the rule, so please don't think I'm trying to cover everyone with the same blanket here. But still...

The great majority of D/s-interested Americans that I've met online have also expressed conservative political views. (The opposite seems generally the case for Europeans and others, but let's leave that aside for the moment...) This goes for the Doms as well as the subs, and - so far as I can tell online - doesn't correspond to the usual ethnicity/gender/class/culture/geography breakdowns I usually associate with people's place on the political spectrum.

On its face, I suppose this seems a "duh" observation. In the US at least, conservatives use phrases like "law and order," "family values," "three strikes and you're out," "personal responsibility," etc., to promote a (dare I say Confucian?) view of society based on structure and rules, wherein authority is generally trusted, and there are predictable consequences for actions. In some circles, there is a fundamentalist-Christian twist that takes its societal model from certain Old Testament passages. I'm oversimplifying here, of course, but the point is that I think there is a correlation between the way many of these conservative D/s folks see the greater workings of society, and the way they see interpersonal relationships.

My point here is not to stir up political debate of one kind or another, or to take a scalpel and pick apart my broad definitions. My point is to ask anyone reading what this is all about.

I am on the radical-liberal end of the political spectrum on 99% of issues. Am I some kind of hypocrite for embracing this wonderful D/s with k? I certainly don't think the relationship we have is "better" or "more natural" than anyone else's, and I don't feel any cognitive dissonance about how I relate to her vs. how I relate to the world as a political animal.

As a matter of fact, the conservative views espoused by my k have given me pause on more than one occasion. If she were in this D/s relationship with me because this is the "proper" way for men and women to interact, or because of any reason beyond her own desire and personal choice, it would lose a whole lot of meaning for me. If she didn't feel free to choose submission, and in particular to choose submission to me, I'd have to rethink the whole thing. Luckily, I am confident that this isn't the case, but there were times in the past that I wasn't so sure.

So what do you all think?

Time Flies

2006-09-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

My splendid k and I have been in this frustrating place lately. The time I have available to spend with her has been a lot less the past few weeks, and her own schedule has been almost as hectic. While we still remain in touch through the day, on and off, sometimes ten or twelve hours might go by with no word from either of us.

I find this quite depressing.

But it's a different "mode" of melancholy now than it was in the past.

Last Christmas, for example, my peerless k was away for over a week, with no internet, and this was before we were really doing the phone & text thing in the near-casual way we do today (not that a phone conversation with her is ever casual - always frought with buzzing excitement and charged with erotic longing). This time wasn't much fun, but of course I had plenty of holiday distractions myself, and at the time we were still "feeling each other out" in a way, I think - trying to establish what this shared love meant. How far each of us was willing to tumble for the other. So it wasn't the world's most awful thing to endure, missing her then. It was just a matter of waiting things out so we could begin anew.

During our "march madness" time, there was another long period wherein our conversations were brief and scattered. This one was a lot more difficult for me, because there were a lot of unanswered questions and swords of Damocles seemed to be hanging everywhere. I felt, deep down, that when the stretch of time was over, everything was going to be alright and we'd emerge stronger and better than before, but it was still a time of turmoil and uncertainty. And every time we were able to snatch a few minutes together, the strain was palpable on both sides. Thank goodness that is all past and evaporated and gone.

Today, my love for her is stronger and more all-encompassing than ever, and I am confident and blood-sure of her love in return. The D/s dynamic we have keeps developing and expanding, and my ownership of her has never been more meaningful, steadfast, and profound. When I miss her today, it's a bubbling roiling kind of ache, often manifesting itself physically. My heart yearns and I feel incomplete, craving that sense of unbroken pefection that comes from being with her.

Because of the deep intrinsic connection we have, my emotions tend to swing more wildly when I'm unable to talk to her often. My need for her is greater than it has ever been. But at the same time, that sharp pang is softened by what it grows from. There's a solid unassailable bedrock of love beneath everything - that makes missing her more intense, but it also gives it a blunter edge, a muted timbre. When this time passes, there is not a shred of doubt that we will be just as intimate and intoxicated with each other as always.

She is Mine forever now, and when that kind of delirious infinity stretches before me, it's so much easier to bear a temporary lack of contact.

Of course, when we meet in person someday, this will all get much more complicated. Stay tuned for that.

Another Season, Another Reason...

2006-09-07T00:25:00.000-07:00

One year ago today, I somehow convinced the sweetest, most wonderful person I've ever known that her life would be improved by forming some sort of commitment with me. At the time, I had known her for a few years, I'd been infatuated with her for over a year, and we had only started sharing important details about our offline lives maybe six months prior. I don't really know exactly what I expected out of the relationship - on the surface, it was just an online "collar," which only meant that we weren't going to cyber with anyone else and would be recognized as a couple in the chatrooms we visited.

Of course, those chatrooms were all but nonexistent by that time, so really what was the point of putting her name next to mine in little curly brackets on my MSN profile? Deep down I knew that I was having much stronger feelings for her. Feelings that I was trying to keep in check for the most part, because frankly they were things I wasn't sure I wanted to face. Now of course I recognize that there were two intertwined strands: 1. I was falling for her hard, and 2. my dominance was knocking at the door.

I'm not going to make this another retrospective nostalgic post by glossing our history together yet again. The blog archive speaks for itself fairly well (I started this blog a few days after we became a couple). Suffice it to say that from a humble starting place, transcendent and universe-altering things developed. We tended our austere and encapsulated zen garden, and awoke one day to find a cherry tree fully grown and in blossom at its center. Then a stand of trees. Then a grove far overflowing the bounds of the garden. Then the landscape was flooded with the trees as far as the eye could see, all continually blossoming. Perpetual, ubiquitous spring.

Since it has been a full year, the changing of the seasons has been on my mind a lot of late. In some climates and some years, there are sharp demarcations between one season and the next, but for the most part I'm used to a gradual ebb and flow, like the changing of the tides. Some of the changes my magnificent woman and I have been through have been deliriously sudden, but most have been gradual and accumulative. And every single shift has felt so natural and perfect and obvious and right.

We are an online couple, in a long-distance relationship. We will meet face-to-face one day, hopefully sooner rather than later. But despite the distance (I know in my heart it's "despite," not "because of," so you'll just have to trust me), this is the most fulfilling, beautiful, magical time in my life. I could drain all the adjectives out of the dictionary and never express a fraction of what I feel for my k.

My k. My sweet effervescent disarming melodious k. I love you darlin, from the surface of my skin to the marrow of my bones. Every cell in my body sings your name. The very fact that brilliant scintillating colorful you would surrender all that you are to me - and that I not only welcome it but demand it - that can make me shudder so profoundly that I wonder if the world has tilted on its axis.

Happy anniversary, to the girl of my dreams and the love of my life.

Shifting Perspective and Outmigration

2006-08-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

I was looking through some older posts, and noticed that they tend to fall into three categories:

ruminations on online relationships
ruminations on D/s relationships
breathless rhapsodic outpourings of love

Well ok, most of the posts (and by the way, there have been over 100 posts now, which seems crazy) have some elements of each, and really it's rare that #3 isn't in some way involved, but those topics definitely form the bulk of what unfolds here. Today is going to be a lot of #1, I think, though once I get started typing, we'll see where things go...

As My marvellous kand I have grown closer, more intimate, more committed to each other, many of the things I originally took for granted in our relationship look quaint from this distance. I've been thinking back a bit more to the days when I first started going to chatrooms and learning about D/s, or at least it's online manifestation. While I never approached things as a "game" precisely, there was a sense that everything occuring while I typed at the computer occurred in a set-apart reality, a parallel dimension or something. I probably have some schizophrenic tendencies that made it easier to compartmentalize my online life, keep it separate from everything else.

I think this was a good and healthy thing for me, actually. At least, it was at the time. I was able to explore ideas and expressions of dominance without having to analyze myself too much. Because that wasn't really me getting aroused by the idea of bidding on a woman at a "slave auction," tying her securely to a chair, blindfolding her, and proceeding to tease and taste every inch of her helpless exposed flesh. Certainly not! That was just cyber-Irch, a totally different person.

This totally different person enjoyed the sense of community and comeraderie in the chatrooms, and got off on the hot cybersex in a big way, and tried out things never before fantasized about in real life. Then some changes started to happen ... over time, I started to relish the kind of human connection that could be made across the wires more and more. And soon the main reason I was going to the chatrooms was to experience that special closeness that comes from sharing an imaginative space with someone. Naturally this is most intense during sexual scening, and I found myself seeking out partners that really could convince me with their words that they were inhabiting the same mental landscape that I was. I wanted it to feel as real as possible - to know that the power exchange had some meaning.

Now, of course, I see this for what it was: the awakening of my own dominance, and a yearning to break out of the walled-off part of my mind. But of course that never was possible until my sweet and beautiful k came along. She was the first person I knew on the internet with whom I enjoyed sharing stories and details of our "real lives." But even with all the building trust and budding love, I tended to keep the D/s sexual part of our interactions in a semi-separate place. Some of the most intense scenes we had, like the one I described in this old post, still had a theatricality about them, but the transforming power latent in them was palpable. It was only a matter of time before the ideas of dominance that I'd toyed with in my imagination started to walk out of their ghetto and find their places in every neighborhood of my mind.

Excuse my extended metaphor (it's difficult to describe processes of the mind without resorting to them, plus I have a fondness for the metaphorical anyway). This population was set free from their walled city by the love of a woman, pure and simple. They settled in every corner of the landscape and found fertile soil, found economies of thought and emotion that were waiting for their Adam-Smith-esque invisible hand, found everything they needed to grow and prosper. I was ready. And when my love for k and hers for me toppled the walls, it was the most natural and easy thing in the world, despite all the upheaval, to welcome my dominance home where it should have belonged in the first place.

So, yes, magnificent k and I have still never met face-to-face, and our online scening is still as imaginative as ever. But it is based on a solid core of emotional truth and on pervasive modes of thought and action which inform our daily lives every waking moment (as well as into our dreams). We are sharing a life together in most aspects save geography now, and my ownership of her is true and unfettered and profound.

And somehow my love for her still grows every day.

Good Vibrations

2006-08-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

Heh I'll let my disarming k tell you another time why that's the title of today's post. Meanwhile, there are some thing I want to say that it's very difficult for me to get a handle on.

This past week or two with my beautiful k has been one of the most glorious times in my life. I know I've said here a thousand times how words can't express the tremendous feelings I have for this woman, the changes she has made in my life, the incredible heights of love I've soared to and will never come down from.

A huge transformation, or rather maybe an unfolding, has been really finding the dominance in myself, learning what it means, and expressing it in true ways. I never thought at my age that I'd be describing a new growing and evolving phase in my life. I know that lots of submissive women like to use the caterpillar-into-butterfly metaphor to describe discovering their submission and growing in it (e.g. this butterfly or this butterfly), but I'm finding it a good way to describe this journey into dominance for me too. Though I've played at it before, and of course there have always been these tendencies in me (I see now), this has been their first real blossoming in my life. And of course it's all due to my marvellous k.

You don't read much about how Doms become Doms on blogs, with a few notable exceptions. And I have to admit that keeping it all dark and mysterious is appealing. I think might be because the whole process is perhaps too similar to how subs become subs. There's been a potential there inside me, half-dormant, making itself known in subtle ways.

I think of it this way: I've been basing my pre-k life on a set of truths about myself that I assumed were the fundamental truths. They are indeed all true things, but I sense now that in many ways they are actually overtones of a deeper fundamental pitch at the heart of me, and a large component of that pitch is my dominance. Not all of it, not even most of it, but it's there in the bass resonance of my being.

It took the sympathetic vibrations in my k to help me hear that deep basso profundo, and I'm learning to fine-tune the rest of myself into harmony with it.

Pledge Drive

2006-08-11T18:20:00.000-07:00

Well my sensuous, surprising k and I had a new kind of experience a couple days ago. I put her on a schedule to follow throughout the day, but this time it wasn't an orgasm schedule.

It was a kneeling schedule.

Starting from the moment she awoke, and every three hours throughout the day, this amazing girl bent to her knees to express her devotion and submission to me. And without a doubt this was the Domliest day of my entire life. I was just soaring, energy surging through me constantly, wanting to take her, claim her, own her. A deep powerful roar of lust and dominance coursing in every nerve-ending. I would have glowed in the dark and I'm sure electrictity was sparking out of my fingertips.

Yes we are most definitely doing this again. I felt closer to her than ever, and felt like the two of us were tapped into some profound dark mystery of the earth or something. It felt ancient and it felt right.

Just kneeling by itself seemed a trifle perfunctory, so I also asked irresistible k to speak a few words too. Just a simple thing saying that she's mine, and really I wasn't so much interested in the precise content. It was more to focus her on the act itself and its meaning for us.

Or at least that's all it was supposed to be for until she called me on the phone and said it out loud to me. Now that I've heard the words pass from her lips and tongue, riding her modulated breath, they have a life and richness of their own.

This thing that we're calling "the pledge" for convenience right now, is undergoing transformation and editing. Yes we are overeducated hyperanalytical nerds. I don't want it to be a set-in-stone catechism-style recitation, but if this is something that she will say (with variations) over and over, it should be something that means what we want it to mean. So I've asked literary k to come up with a starting draft of this work-in-progress, which we'll refine and alter over the years.

And perhaps I'll come up with a sort of converse Dom-side statement of my commitment and devotion and control as well. That could be interesting...

Holding and Guiding

2006-08-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

I didn't set out to be this kind of a Dom. I always thought the "lifestyle" people were cute and interesting (some of them nutjobs, but that's the case among "mainstream" folks too). But that whole thing just wasn't for me. Far too much of a feminist and all for that to be a viable option. D/s was for the bedroom - a way of interacting separated from the quotidian. Maybe not "playacting," but a dynamic and exchange that has a certain time and place.

And I guess at heart I still hold that as true. I own sweet k only as she wishes to be owned, only in arenas wherein she is comfortable being owned. But those arenas keep broadening and encompassing more of our lives. There have been times when it's made me reflect and even worry. It's certainnly a responsibility I take very seriously.

It started out simply. Sexy k was preparing to take the GRE test for graduate school, and was having difficulty finding her focus. I offered to help, and set her up with a little schedule, urged her to stick to it, told her of my pride when she did, tsked when she did not. I think it helped her a little, though I have no doubt that she'd have managed just fine without my involvement. And I enjoyed it, feeling like I was more integrated into her daily life.

It was an interesting first step - felt mostly like a teacher/student kind of dynamic in some ways. k needed someone motivating her to do something that she knew was good for her. I had the satisfaction of seeing her grow and seeing her own pride in her accomplishment.

And things grew from there. Besides the usual kinds of offline "assignments," to some degree or another sexual, I've moved in and made my presence felt in many more areas. I find myself seeking out opportunities constantly as well. At bottom, she lives her own life of course. There are no areas of her life that she keeps hidden from me any more (and there are none I keep hidden from her either, for the record), but I don't feel the desire to assert any form of control or guidance over every single thing. Mostly, I only enter areas where I'm invited. Well, maybe with a few exceptions heh.

I don't want her to "live for me," but I want her to live with me suffusing her mind and heart. I don't want to be worshipped or idolized, but I do want my presence and my love to be felt all the time, and for my wishes to carry weight. I want to motivate and guide and help and hold her, and show her what an amazing being she is. I'm not the only one who can do this, but I know I have a special role, and I can show her things about herself that nobody else can.

There are some tasks or projects I will assign that are mostly for my own amusement and delight. There are some that are mostly to keep my stunning k in that submissive frame of mind that she loves to inhabit. There are some that are mostly to help her concentrate and focus on things that need to be done, to help her prioritize her time and energy. These last ones nearly always contain elements of the first two.

I draw fewer distinctions between the bedroom and the rest of our lives than I used to. Lately I've been growing very comfortable and confident as a Dom who asserts control in other areas. It fits me much more than I thought it would, and feels quite natural.

But the only reason this is so is because it's glorious k we're talking about. I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else, reaching into anyone else's life this way. It's a push-and-pull sort of development in our relationship - we try things, see how they feel, come back for more if we like them. At some point I'm sure we'll hit something that one of us wants but the other doesn't. Haven't found that yet, though, and I can't say I'm worried about it. I still don't consider myself to be a "D/s lifestyle" person - I just consider myself to be k's Dom, and that definition has been evolving.

I suppose that in the final analysis (and I hear you all saying "yes at long last, the final analysis! how much more of this does he expect me to read?") it's all about love, like everything else has been. I want to help her, be her partner, her supporter, her cheering fan, her mentor, her guide, her listening ear, her sympathizer, her fellow bewildered human being. And it's natural that these modes of interaction are colored by my dominance and her submission.

k is Mine today in more ways than ever in the past, and I love her with more passion and blissful transcendence than ever in the past. Holding her and guiding her are fluid powerful expressions of that love.

There are Nights

2006-08-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

There are nights when my love for her grows too big to be contained in my body.

There are nights when my desire for her makes my bones shudder.

There are nights when my yearning to touch her is so powerful as to become the illusion of touch itself.

There are nights when I feel her presence – her laughter, her charm, her shyness, her frustration, her need – right here in my chest, intimately with me.

There are nights when I feel my soul expand to encompass the world, merely because she is in it.

There are nights when every breath is of her breath.

There are nights when I feel her submit to me just in the way she says hello.

There are nights when I discover ecstasies curled up within ecstasies.

Last night was one of those. I looked at the fat creamy moon in the sky, and I thought: if I can experience infinity and expansion and passion so far beyond what my biochemistry should be capable of…

then what’s to keep that moon
from melting into milk
and spilling from the sky
to foam upon the sea?

Linkery

2006-08-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

No, despite the picture, this is not a post about tying my sexy k up in chains. Nor is it about the metaphorical chains that bind us together. Nor is it about daisy chains, chain-link fences, chainsaws, Alice in Chains, Lon Chaney, le canard enchaine, chain letters, Markov chains, or (thank goodness) Dick Cheney.

Actually this is one of those unspecial posts wherein I say that I have updated our list of links over there on the left, to include a whole bunch of new blogs which I noticed have links to us (thanks for that, by the way!). Besides showing great taste in this way, they also all happen to be excellent, entertaining, reflective, well-written sexy sites. Most definitely worth your time to check out.

And just a little D/s windows humor:

Step by Step

2006-08-01T12:07:00.000-07:00

Well after reading my magnificent k's delicious post from the other day, I was struck anew by the power of the webcam. I really wasn't expecting the reaction she talked about so eloquently, and it did set me off on one of those emotional flights of dominance and love which are becoming ridiculously common these days. I mean, this kind of constant euphoria isn't normal is it? Certainly never has been in my life prior to this.

I've been blogging a lot lately about the visual side of things in our relationship, and I'm going to do that again today. As I've talked about a few times in the past (for example here), my sweet and beautiful k has a major sense of shyness and self-consciousness about the way she looks. I've never had a real driving, pressing need to see her, but I've considered it to be an area I wanted to work on with her. For lots of reasons, chief among them that we do plan to meet face-to-face one day, and I think that messing around with webcams is a good way to prepare for that. A real-life meeting will already have plenty of surprises and unpredictability, so why not get some of it out of the way beforehand? If I can get her past some of her self-confidence issues now, it can only make things easier later on, right? I mean, we're not in the Abelard and Eloise days any more, might as well use the technology we can.

So since she got a webcam - geez almost 6 months ago now - we've been steadily preparing and experimenting and trying out different things. I started getting on my own webcam a lot with her, and she's been messing around, taking pictures for me now and then, and getting used to how the camera works and all. Just something we've been taking slowly, and I didn't have any particular timetable in mind or anything.

Then disarming k had her "moment" looking into my eyes on the webcam, and that attuned me to it more. Yesterday, we were having a bit of a scene together, and my girl was slipping deep into her subbie self, which of course has that feedback effect of getting me all "Dommed up." As it happened, she was in a place where she needed a reminder ... not a punishment exactly, but an assertion or affirmation of our D/s relationship that's more focused than what might occur during a regular scene (though I'm not sure if any of our encounters ever count as "regular" any more). In any case, I've become fairly good at sussing out these needs in k, sensing what it is she needs before it's verbalized.

And really if I hadn't already been thinking about the webcam so recently, it wouldn't have sprung into my mind. But it did, and I ran with it, feeling confident in that way that only comes from profound trust and knowledge. When I told her that I wanted her to flip on her webcam for me and show me her face for the first time, I had no doubt that she would do it. I felt her submission so strongly, knew it in my bones.

I saw the tight lines of worry and nervousness between her brows, the discomfort as she chewed her lip, the embarrassed dark-pink flush of her cheeks. But there she was, my beautiful k. Pure and gorgeous. Brilliant and full and wondrous. Being uniquely Mine in a new way. Being herself in a new way.

It was a moment of deep resonant joy.

We talked ... well, I talked and she mostly just looked into the camera. Streams of words pouring from me in some fruitless attempt to express the multifold oceanic splendor of her. I'm not even going to try and capture what she looked like, because (though she is stunningly beautiful) that wasn't exactly the point. Of course I did wax rhapsodic about it at the time, but this isn't the place for that

I'm also not going to talk about that vital immediacy of watching her facial expressions change. I'll avoid the topic of how it heightened my (already burgeoning) desire to be with her in the flesh. All these things I'll put in other posts, I'm sure.

Today I want to celebrate that my suprising and magical k crossed another threshold with me. The tension in her face faded bit by bit, and I saw so much: her wonder at her own bravery, her renoucing of her own fears, her realization of the depth of her submission. I saw a surrender in her that filled me with sparkling emotional energy. I saw a love in her that took my breath away and made every molecule in the universe shudder for a moment. Wherever you were on monday at mid-day, I'm sure you felt it too. I know it traveled outward from some internet node where our eyes "met" ... radiating and expanding in waves and complex manifolds of elation. I know it was so powerful that everyone in the world must have felt it, if only for a heartbeat. Do you remember a stirring in the blood? a quaking in the air?

That was one-ten millionth of what I felt. I love this woman, heart, soul, mind, and skin.

Uncharted Territory

2006-07-30T22:26:00.000-07:00

Things with Irch and i have been moving so smoothly, it's just so natural to move in and out of each dynamic of our relationship, and throughout it all is that underlying melody of my submission and His dominance. We may play several variations on the theme and yet it is that melody which holds the whole piece together and it runs strong throughout.

It often surprises me how strong it is at times, we no longer slip into our roles as Master and slave, it is something we wear at all times. It's a deep part of who i am, the very essence of me and something i've found i could never turn off, even if i wanted to. This week i came face to face with that knowledge and it was completely overwhelming.

As you know from Irch's latest post we recently had a chance to spend almost an entire day together, it was so wonderful to just joke and goof off and then move so easily into a scene, at one moment be talking about what i made for lunch and the other to be on my knees staring up into my Master's eyes. We've been using a webcam more and more often recently, and there was just something about actually seeing His eyes while i was so subbed out.

At one point Irch asked me to look into His eyes and tell Him what i saw there, now in my mind i knew what He wanted me to say. He was prompting me to move on with our scene, and yet i couldn't get my mouth to cooperate. I simply could not just say what i knew He wanted me to say when i saw so much more.

I did see that desire there, but at the same time i also saw so much more. Looking into His eyes in that moment, i saw boundless love and devotion there for me. For me - that's a bit hard to swallow. That someone i love so deeply could actually feel the same way about me and to actually see it so obvious in His eyes in that moment was almost more than i could bear. It was so overwhelming to see all that emotion there that i couldn't say or do anything, and He had to guide me along for a bit before i came to myself again.

It was just so heart-stoppingly amazing to see all that written in His eyes, i didn't even know how to respond. It was finally blindingly obvious how much this Man loves me, how much His dominance of me is not only such a part of who He is but a part of what makes me whole, and all that desire not for some model or movie star, but for me. A silly, ADD, often immature, self-conscious girl like me.

It's very humbling to realize that someone loves you so completely, i don't think anyone ever really expects the sort of rush it is to finally realize that and to own it and cherish it. You have to stop for a moment and say - "you mean me? you weren't looking at someone behind me or something right?" Because when you find someone who loves you like that and you love them right back it's just amazing and i gladly give Him my forever because i know that i have His.

I've happily crossed over to each new level of love and intimacy with Irch throughout our relationship, but this one caught me by surprise. But i am so glad that we've made our way to this newest level and i can't wait to see what's next.

Satisfaction

2006-07-27T15:45:00.000-07:00

mmm yesterday was a satisfying day. I'm still a bit delirious about it all, to tell you the truth. So blissed out 24 hours later that this post may not make a whole lot of sense.

It's been a long while since my scrumptious k and I have been able to spend a long day together, due to our new schedules (mostly changes in my work). But yesterday I decided I'd had enough. Called in sick and spent all my time with the gal I dominate and love.

There's a whole different dynamic when you're not watching the clock, knowing you have to leave soon, or worried that you're staying up too late and will be all bleary in the morning. Of course I'll always steal whatever hours I can with her, and never regret it. Of course we are always in touch with email and text messages throughout the day. Of course her beauty, her submission, her devotion, her wonderful k-ness, are with me in every breath.

But all the same, I've missed having days like we did yesterday. On IM together for hours on end, taking breaks to eat and such, hovering over that bewitching ground that encompasses light banter, sublime declarations of love, silly teasing, sensuous foreplay, serious discussion, literary criticism, heart-expanding acts of devotion, and hour upon hour of scorching, intense, imaginative D/s sex scenes.

I'd almost forgotten how easy and natural it all is. Not that there isn't plenty of effort expended in focus, mental and physical energy. But the connection k and I share is just there. Not sought after, not toiled for, not painstakingly achieved, not agonized over. Just ubiquitous, part of the fabric of each of us, and more instrinsically part of the fabric we have been weaving together.

To spend a full day like that, watching the sun rise and fall, feeling the temperature change, share ridiculous minutiae of what we are eating and wearing and thinking. This, I think, is what a day with my woman will be like when we meet in real life. And damned if the online approximation doesn't make me hunger for that more than ever now.

Except of course, when I meet her face-to-face, there will be her eyes. Her lips. Her scent. The arch of her back. The tilt of her shoulder. The turn of her ankle. The rush of her breath against me. The taste of her neck. The curve and swivel of her hips against mine. The supple texture of her forearm under my hand. The slick spicy nectar that my tongue draws out. The tightening of muscles. The clutched coiling gasps of her passion. There will be the utterly incomprehensible transcendence of seeing her kneel by me.

And still there will be her eyes.

Eyes I've spent days and nights dreaming of. Eyes I will watch squint and flutter and widen. Eyes whose lids I will kiss, whose lashes I will feel brush against Me. Eyes I will focus deeply on, and deeply through. Eyes that say everything words can't. Eyes that bring forth and offer the undeniable and irresistible and bone-deep truth of her submission, her devotion, her love.

Those are the eyes my long day's journey into k has left me craving.

Eye of the Beholder, part 2

2006-07-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

Well I promised to post again about this incredible thing that my irresistible k did for me. Painted a painting. And I still can't quite get over it.

It came about because of an offline assignment I'd given her a while back: to describe a "perfect weekend" of what she'd envision us doing together if I hopped on a plane and came to visit her. Sort of a travel-itinerary, but with a lot more graphic sex than you might find in an in-flight magazine, say. And as part of the exercise, I indicated that she could include pictures or drawings (since she's so good at those things, and generally has a very visual imagination, I think) if the mood struck her.

Well it turned into a longer and more elaborate undertaking that I'd imagined, mostly because she decided that she wanted to paint a painting for me. There were other beautiful artworks in the package she sent as well: sketches of us kissing, laying in bed together, a beautiful photoshopped image of us dancing, and even a cartoon drawn in crayon that gives me one of those deep cathartic laughs that seem to fill my whole body down to my toes. But the painting is the most cherished of all.

For one thing, it's not like my talented k does a whole lot of painting. It's something she does every once in a while, usually as a special gift for someone close to her. So when I see the painting, one thing I see is my slipping into a position in her life where I'm intimate and trusted, on the level of family and dear friends.

Then there's the time factor. I'm no artist, but I know that it takes a long time to do a piece like this. Sketching out ideas, choosing and mixing colors, painting layer after layer, letting them dry, making corrections. It's a real project that you have to be dedicated to. And my lovable k, prone to bouts of ADD-ness at the glimpse of something shiny, is not one to focus for long periods of time on projects unless she really wants to. So I also see in the painting a gift of her time, knowing that it occupied a small space in her mind over many days.

There's also the sensuality of the act of painting. Spreading layers of textured acrylic color over the canvas, the strong yet supple hold of the brush in fingers, the controlled sweeping arcs and lines. Something about the image in her mind becoming manifest. Most intriguingly: she takes the given flat, rectangular whiteness of the canvas and creates in it a world of swirling color, graceful balance, delicate composition, loops and spirals and shaded softness. That interface between canvas and paint is the union of Dom and sub, and (in our case) between masculine and feminine. An incomplete metaphor, to be sure, but with some truth in it.

So when I see the painting, I see her concentration, the precise motions of her hands, and I see her making love to me at the same time.

And of course there's the subject matter of the painting itself. It's smallish, probably eight by ten inches, perfect for holding in my lap to gaze at, which I am doing as I type this. In style, I think of it as being a sort of gothic-romance by way of Japanese manga. The silhouette of two lovers in the distance, on the crest of a hill, in a forest clearing, under the moonlight and stars, fireflies twinkling, some sort of nimbus of love spiralling around the couple. Rich deep purples and blues and blacks, splashes of white and dusky orange. Altogether gorgeous.

So I see a million things when I look at the painting, but more than anything I see her love, shining out of every brush stroke. The woman of my dreams, this one.

Versification

2006-07-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

So, there will be more on this whole painting thing posted soon, but before I get to that, which might actually be interesting, here's some very bad poetry! *cue theme music*

I'm not good at this at all, and the only way I can even get started is to have a pretty serious structure in place (imagine, a Dom who requires structure!), so this is sort of a shorter, easier bastardization of a form called a sestina.

I should mention that I wrote this while my beloved k was sleeping. One of the things I tend to fantasize about a lot is watching her sleep, just being in bed with her and seeing this immensely complex and scintillating mind find quiet restfulness.

As she sleeps

As she sleeps, the world slows to rest with her:
Stillness, peace, steady breath.
A lilting rise and fall of dreams
Mirrored in her silent slumber.
This girl, this marvelous girl, is Mine.

This girl whose mind is glass-splinter-faceted by day,
As the sun and incandescent rays
Still criss-cross at acute angles about her.
A lingering scatter of both light and thought,
Mirroring, refracting. All of it

Mere ornament to
This girl I see
As whole in sleep.
Still.
All contradictions resolved.

A long drowsy sigh is a
Mirror held up to her dreaming mind.
This girl travels fantastic realms
As I sit and watch her,
Still fascinated after hours.

Stealing kisses from her sleeping form,
All of her being reflected and focused in the
Mirror of my eyes.
This girl, this marvelous girl, is Mine
As she sleeps.

The Eye of the Beholder

2006-07-18T15:31:00.000-07:00

Still trying to process how plain awesome this is:

My artistic k painted me a real actual painting! Like the kind with paint on a canvas and you have to mix your colors and then let it dry and stuff - that kind! And it just arrived in the mail today.

And no I wasn't aware that it was possible to fall even deeper and more madly in love with this gal, but I think I just did. More reflections on the wonderfulness that is k later, but had to say something before I explode with sheer unDomly giddiness.

In the Groove

2006-07-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

The last few days I have been just grooving along beautifully, thanks to my alluring k. When you're in love and in such a fulfilling relationship, when you're feeling comfortable and powerful in your Domliness, when you're dazzled by the sublime wonderfulness of a certain subbie ... then everything in life just seems to flow easily.

I tried my hand a being a jazz musician for a while (and no, not with the giants of the genre you see in the photo - I ain't half that old nor one one-hundredth that good). But I played enough to know that great swinging feeling that comes when you're locked deeply in the groove with other musicians, and everything is swinging just right.

I've talked before about the Tao, and living in the action that you are performing, not being able to tell the dancer from the dance, etc. People get this feeling from lots of different things - being "on a roll" when writing, having "hot hands" in basketball, etc. I heard someone on the radio the other day talking about surfers getting this feeling when they are riding a wave perfectly.

But the reason I like the musical metaphor is that it has to do with human interaction - musicans creating something together, finding the perfect expression on the fly, improvising and floating around the beat, and locking into the "rightness" so that you simultaneously ride the groove and guide it. Thousands of unspoken subtle signals flash pre-consciously among the players and make the feeling evolve over time. What's sometimes called being "in the pocket."

I feel my amazing k and I creating this kind of rhythm and interchange just constantly lately. And just as with music, the melody lingers on. That groovy state of mind continues through the rest of my day, affecting every part of my life, to wit:

Long line of annoying people at the supermarket? -- couldn't care less.
Boss demanding impossible tasks on microsecond deadlines? -- rolls right off my back.
Bus late again? -- meh, what's it to me?
War in Iraq? -- well, ok that one still gets me, but I have such a deep store of hope-for-mankind in me now, thanks to sweet k

I am just riding through that wave and I've got the world on a string, everybody around me is my friend, the world is a colorful scintillating place. There's a touch of the infinite in everything I see and do. Being in love, and being in this profoundly grooving D/s space with my k, I feel in harmony with the whole damn universe, today and every day.

Graphical Interface

2006-07-13T14:31:00.000-07:00

My wonderfully creative k has made another banner, this one a sort of celebration of the orgasm-control days we've had. Just so gorgeous that I had to share it. I hope that she'll keep creating these beautiful pieces that make my stomach tighten and my toes curl and um... yeah some other physical reactions that I bet you can all imagine.

You are so talented and hardworking and just wonderful, my sweet k.

Error Correction

2006-07-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

This is my first D/s relationship, and really I'm very new at being a Dom outside the bedroom. I've also made no secret of the fact that I am a human being (turns out all Doms are - crazy, I know). So all in all it should come as no surprise that I make mistakes.

The mistake I made yesterday wasn't anything really terrible, but since I tend to share all my triumphs and successes here, I figured I would share the less-than-perfect stuff too. Oh you lucky lucky readers!

So the set-up: yesterday for the first time since this day, I tried putting my alluring and marvellous k on an orgasm schedule again. She had had a weekend that was rather frustrating and difficult, and the times when we'd been together I felt her falling so deeply into subspace (that is, into me, and god I'll never get used to the tremendous feeling of that). I thought, rightly, that she needed a full day in continuous submission, to put the problems she had into perspective. Hence the schedule.

It was working very well for her, I believe. We were able to talk about her frustrations and such in between her appointed times without the anxiety getting to her. She was laughing and having fun and rising out of that spiral of helplessness. At the same time, it goes without saying that it was getting me in that soaring kinetic king-of-the-world headspace that I'm starting to grow addicted to as well.

And that was the start of my mistake.

I was riding high on the whole Dom experience. So high that, when my wonderful gal texted me to say that it had been impossible for her to meet her mid-afternoon "deadline," I reacted in a way I regret.

I suppose that what I did wasn't really so bad. I texted her back something cryptic and Tsk-Tsk-Disappointed-Dom-sounding, and left her instructions for a mild kind of punishment to carry out for having missed the time. But it was the motivation for it that made me grimace at myself in retrospect.

You see, I realized after a time that I had selfish reasons for it. When she missed the time, I felt myself in danger of falling out of that delirious Dommish headspace, and I wanted to preserve it, even if it meant making the woman I love do something she really dislikes. In fact, I think I was casting about for ideas of things that I knew she'd be upset to do, because that gave me a (short-lived) rush of power. The punishment I chose wasn't really so bad, but I found myself sort of relishing the idea that my precious k would be uncomfortable, and maybe a little scared to find out what instructions I'd given her. Again, these reactions weren't topmost in my mind, but they were definitely there, and I'm not exactly proud of them.

That's really not who I am or who I want to be, as a Dom or as a plain old homo sapien. The overarching melody of love in our relationship was muted for a little while, and some darker music came to the fore. The realization that I'd let that happen, for firvolous selfish reasons, brought me crashing out of that Domspace pretty hard.

Hours after I'd first registered my disappointment and set the punishment for it, I recanted. And don't think that a lot of thought didn't go into that as well ... Is it better to just let the punishment stand? Do I want to be a wishy-washy Dom? Will k lose the deep submissive feeling she was enjoying so much? Am I being selfish yet again by changing things on my own whims, for my own peace of mind?

In the end, I'm convinced it was the right thing to do. I love my sweet, steadfast, dedicated, generous k more than anything. The D/s is a very important and intrinsic aspect of that love, but not the whole of it. I learned a little something about myself yesterday. I learn more about myself and the world every day since falling in love with this beautiful girl.

Simple Pleasures

2006-07-07T17:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the silliest, simplest things bring me such pleasure. My adorable k went to the movies today (Pirates of the Caribbean, naturally - see number 16 of the Zero Things About Me list), and texted me from her cell phone as she waited in line, bought tickets, got snacks, enjoyed the previews. I felt like I was there with her, absorbing her excitement about the event. We aren't quite dorky enough to go see the same movie at the same time in theaters 2000 miles apart, but give us time ... there are depths of dorkiness yet to be plumbed.

I am so startlingly and exuberantly in love with my woman. I can't wait for the day when we can enjoy a movie together (or make out like teenagers during the whole show, even better). Until then, I get to share the experience in the best way I can.

Cyberlife

2006-07-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

So every once in a while, cybersex (and long-distance communication with IM in general) surprises me. Turns out it's a very flexible medium, and if you're someone with a literary bent, like myself or my erudite k, it can be a pretty satisfying alternative to a face-to-face encounter. Different, to be sure, but not altogether different, and possessing unique charms of its own.

I've started reading some media-critique literature lately, and I guess the idea of modes of communication, and how they affect the content of messages communicated, are on my mind a lot. So it's only natural that my brain starts inquiring about how the IM medium alters, limits, expands, amplifies, skews, and distorts certain kinds of ideas and communications, compared with say the telephone or a face-to-face interaction. But rather than bore everyone with theory, here are a couple of examples from yesterday...

My k was bratting out a bit. That in itself is something that I know would be an altogether different experience in real-life than in an IM window of course, but the mental landscape travelled is much the same. In any case, she was trying to get a certain kind of attention from me, using what I made clear were inappropriate methods, and I wasn't having any of it yesterday afternoon. For a while, we locked into what amounted to a staring contest. Which, yeah, you wouldn't think would work with people typing words back and forth on a screen. But damned if it didn't. I was right there, staring my gal down, and I felt the tension build between us, the atmosphere grow charged, brought her attention into a special kind of focus, and ultimately felt her willful defiance disintegrate.

All in all, it went on longer than a real staring contest possibly could, and had an element of theatricality about it that would have been laughable-to-impossible in real life. Of course there would have been other compensating factors in real life, but this experience had its own unique dynamic.

Once the staring contest was over, we proceeded to a bit of a spanking scene. Here's where things get muddy and complex and really interesting. You see, my poor k actually busted her delightful tailbone on a camping trip last weekend. The cross-pollination between the real and the online being so strong these past months, I actually have been avoiding giving her sexy butt as much attention (aggressive or otherwise) that I normally do. Yes it's strange that I had to mentally overcome this obstacle of not wanting to hurt my gal and actively convince myself that I wouldn't do any permanent damage by typing words about spanking her ass. That's what I did though, and the whole emotional process of the spanking and its aftermath was exactly we both needed at the time.

Funny to think that it's something that wouldn't have been possible in an actual real-life encounter. What I could have done as a satisfying substitute in a face-to-face (or hand-to-tush) situation is an interesting notion to ponder. Nothing puts the power dynamic between us into such sharp relief as a spanking, and it would have been disappointing indeed to have that option removed. Could we have sat at computers on opposite sides of a room and played out the scene in cyber anyway, despite the close proximity of the aching ass in question? Ridiculous as that seems, I could almost see it working. More likely, though, I'd have found another way to pull her into my sphere, open her up again to her own submission, allay her fears, put her in touch with the beautiful core of herself, and enfold her in my love.

Such is the relationship between us, whether online or off.

Up Close and Personal

2006-07-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while now since the day I put my tremendous k on an "orgasm schedule," and I've been meaning to write about it in the intervening time ... At first I was a bit overwhelmed by the whole experience and had difficulty wrapping my head around what it all meant to me. Then some crazy real-life family emergencies intervened. So now here I am almost two weeks later finally trying to put my reactions into words. It will be a bit easier now, but not by much.

The impetus for the whole enterprise came from the fact that beautiful k is deliciously orgasmic. On the right day, in the right mood, she will cum and cum and cum, and it's one of the many aspects of her physicality that I cherish. I love that the sweet celebration of life that is an orgasm is within easy reach for her (and yeah I guess maybe I'm a bit in awe of the whole thing to, not to say jealous). I've never once in the past kept her from cumming whenever she wanted, or told her she had to do so at a certain moment. Well sure once in a while, in the heat of a scene I may cajole her to hold back and prolong the on-the-edge feeling, or I may use the old "cum for me now" to reinforce my dominance and her submission, but really it's always been in the service of maximizing pleasure, and riding through the improvisatory push-and-pull landscape of arousal.

This day was quite different.

k has already posted about all mechanics and details, so I won't reiterate. My feeling going into the "project" was that it would be fun for both of us, an experiment, a little power-surge for me, some little subbed-out moments for her, and just a frivolous way to mark time during the day. Really I wasn't prepared for how profoundly it affected me.

And I really wish I had the words to describe the rush of energy that coursed through me the whole day. I guess the easiest way to put it is to say that I had that transcendent, charged thrum running through me - the one I get when experiencing the most intense domination of k - except that it lasted all day without pause. Every moment, every breath, was filled with my assertion and her acquiescence. It was never background: always right in my face, arcing through my brain, singing through my veins. It was actually rather exhausting by the end of the day, not that I'm complaining in the least mind you, actively focusing like that.

So that in itself was just an outstanding unique glorious experience, truly perfect in every way. But as usual, my k managed to lift it higher into a realm of sublimity, and this is where it gets achingly beautiful for me.

At some point in the evening, we were texting back and forth, talking about all those D/s feelings we were experiencing, and also just chatting about this and that as we do. At some point, I was teasing her about something (I forget what right now), and she came back at me with one of her witty ripostes: "butthead :P"

And it was like the stars snapped into a new alignment or something, I swear. I suddenly had a new perspective on the day, my dominance, her submission, everything. It wasn't a game we were playing, there was no distance between us, we weren't pretending to be different people. Most wonderfully, my beloved k was not "acting the part" of a sub, but simply being herself. What an overwhelming heart-stopping realization. I mean, I've always known it, but to have it so obvious and unavoidable ... here was this brilliant, shining, complex, sassy-tending-to-bratty woman I love, and she was unmistakably the same woman who had been submitting to me all day, offering herself to my control, altering the natural rhythms of her body and mind to the rhythms I dictated.

There's just no hiding from the fact that she loves me and submits to me lovingly. It's written in mile-high letters on the horizon. I love her and feel true ownership of her more than I ever have, which is a joyous and chest-expanding and life-altering thing. My k was present in my heart in a new way that day and ever since.

Who knew that "butthead" was a magic word?

Just curious

2006-06-27T21:51:00.000-07:00

Do you know how wonderful it is to listen to your Master cum? To hear Him build up to that peak, to reach that edge and know that He's going to explode at any moment. And then to hear every gasp and moan as He falls over that edge, as He gives You all that hot cum you've been craving for weeks.

Do you know how earth shatteringly amazing it is to know that a Man lusts after you that much, that He has to cum in you right then? To feel time stop at that moment you feel everything in Him unwind and unravel as He fills you so completely, so totally that there is no way anything else in this world could ever fill you in the same way.

Do you know how utterly fantastic it is to hear His voice tremble and shake after He's filled you? To know that you've done your job, you've served and pleased your Man, and you can hear it in His voice afterwards. To feel full not only physically, but complete in everything that you are knowing that you've made pleased Him once more.

God i am so in love with Him.

On Time

2006-06-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Irch decided that He would like to control the amount and time of each of my orgasms throughout the day. He had suggested the idea the previous week, and i thought it sounded interesting and something that could potentially be a lot of fun for us both.

So when i woke up yesterday morning, i had a few texts from Irch as i do most mornings and the first said that i was to cum an hour from the time i'd read the note. So i looked at the clock, that would be at 11:50 am. I automatically felt that familiar pull in the pit of my stomach and smiled to myself about what would be happening in an hour. He and i talked for a while too during that time, just being silly and joking with each other, talking about the assignment for the day.

It was strange how easily i slipped into this assignment, i felt myself watching the clock eagerly anticipating the one hour mark. My whole body was humming with anticipation and excitement, especially as the clock ticked down. It was almost strange how my body changed with the count down as well, to go from laughing and playing with Irch to suddenly being very wet and horny is something i don't experience all that often.

After this first time i came back and sent Irch a text letting Him know that i'd completed my first scheduled orgasm and really enjoyed it. He set me another time and i set out to start my day. I had to run around town and do a few things so i was a little worried about what i would do if i were out and the time came. Well as it turns out i was out when 4pm rolled around and so after a little inner debate i hid myself in a public restroom and had the quietest orgasm of my life. And for the record it is so hard to cum when there are people walking around you just feet away.

I sent Him another text to let Him know i'd finished my second orgasm of the day and went about my errand running. Later in the day He sent me another text to let me know the next scheduled time at 8pm. Lucky for me i got home at 7:50 so i had just enough time to hide myself in my room away from all my roommates and have yet another explosive orgasm. Sent off another text and then later received another time at 11pm. And then once more as many time as i'd like before i went to bed, and then once more before i got out of bed in the morning.

I think the most surprising thing about all of this was the connection i felt all day. Normally i feel Irch with me all the time, but usually He is a quiet whisper in my ear, a reassuring embrace when i need it, or a guiding hand. Yesterday though He was loud and right there with me throughout the entire day. He was holding me tight pushing and pulling in any direction He wanted me to go and i had no choice but to follow. I was constantly reminded of Him every time my eyes passed over my watch or i saw a clock or even had passing thoughts about the time. You'd be surprised how many clocks there are around these days.

I never expected i could feel so entirely connected to Him like that, it was completely unexpected and took me completely by surprise. I thought this would just be something fun for us to try, and be like the people in some of those stories you read about but it was so much more than that. To be able to just lose myself in Him over and over again is just wonderfully sublime. I love experiencing new and exciting things with Him day after day, and this was just one more thing that i loved being able to share with Him.

And at the end of the day it only made it better to hear how much it had also affected Irch too, just thinking about it makes my stomach pull with desire, my thighs clench with lust, and my heart sing with love. I never thought i could love someone this much, and yet here i am reaching new levels of love each day. I swear i could fly if He wanted me to.

Beautiful Banner

2006-06-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's my alarmingly-brilliant and stunningly-artistic k who did that luscious banner you now see above.

Amazing and multi-talented, she is. Lucky Dom, I am.

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On a somber note: some fool hacked and wiped out Magdalena's wonderful Myths and Metawhores site. Hoping she gets back on her cyber-feet soon!

On the Clock

2006-06-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm controlling the timing of my sublimely acquiescent k's orgasms, putting her on a schedule. It's the most I've ever felt like the kind of Dom you read about in stories, or read about on the more "hardcore" blogs. It's stirring up all sorts of wild emotions and thoughts in me, but I think I'll wait till the day is over to reflect on them at length.

I've asked sweet k to post here tomorrow about her reactions to the day, which ought to be fascinating and illuminating and entertaining as always. Then perhaps I'll post too. Stay tuned!

Space is the Place

2006-06-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in a previous post that my magnificent k had sent me some pictures of her new house, and her room in it and all. I wanted to expand on my reaction to that a bit, as a means of unpacking some of the feelings it stirred up in me.

The first and most obvious thing is the D/s side of my reaction. I loved the openness and generosity in the gesture. She walked around snapping photos just for me, because she thought I'd like it and wanted to share it with me. There's really no way to overstate what a rush it is to know that not only would she feel perfectly comfortable showing me fairly intimate details of her daily life, but also that she'd actively set out to document it all as a project, purely self-motivated.

To that, I can add the extra power-surge that comes with "owning" the space she occupies in a small way. Besides seeing glimpses of things I've given her among her belongings, there's the knowledge that if I ever visited her there, I'd sort of know my way around already. A sense of familiarity. If I decided to stand under her window ("but soft!", etc.) one night, I'd know which window to stand under.

And then there's the angel in the details. Silly stuff, like the color of her sheets, the selection of books kept near the bedside, etc. They add texture to my imaginings. When I fantasize about being in that room (truly "owning" that space by being there and creating a memory there), there are rich details to draw on. When she's under the covers before turning out the light, calling me to say goodnight in her drowsy honeyed voice, I can see the pillow her head rests on. When she's at the computer typing sultry sexy words to me, I can see the chair her parted thighs sit on, the keyboard that her fingers flit to when not engaged beween those thighs.

It's really true that I'm not much of a visual person. All these things I've mentioned are wonderful and have opened up imaginative vistas I didn't dream of before, but they aren't the main thing that gets my imagination going. What does is a sense of the space surrounding my darling k.

I think it's some sort of remnant of back in the days when I used to study math seriously, and had to be able to picture manifolds in four-dimensional space and that sort of thing, but I'm very sensitive to surroundings that way. I'm indifferent about architecture when it comes to how buildings look, but I'm very focused on how they make you feel when you step inside. I also love art installations that are of the "environment" variety - something you step into and experience in a more physical way. Anyway, I always have a sense of my surroundings in terms of amounts of space in all three dimensions around my body, if that makes any sense.

The point is, in these pictures, there's enough to construct that sense of space, which gives me even more of a real feeling of inhabiting it as k does. That's what really shoots through my brainstem and activates all sorts of instinctual reactions, which bubble up as (naturally) lots of sexual fantasies. Though I may not remember the details of the surfaces of things, I know there's enough room to kick k's desk chair aside, sweep the keyboard out of the way, and bend her forward over that low desk, so that, propped on her hands, her luscious ass would be lifted to a delicious angle. I know that if I sat on the edge of her bed, she'd have to kneel and bridge her back to be able to take me in her mouth.

It's those details of physical space and spatial relationships, and especially how our bodies fit into them, that's been curling my toes lately. You are the most wonderful gal in the world to take those pictures for me, my sweet one.

Zero Things About Me

2006-06-16T07:01:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of the “Things About Me” blog posts that have resurfaced lately (see recent posts by Magdalena and Orchidea, for example), here’s my contribution to the genre. But I picked a more interesting topic than me.

Zero Things About Me (50 things about my k)

marvellous k does the following:

1. cuts her sandwiches diagonally
2. has the most gorgeous eyes
3. would wear flip-flops all year round if she could
4. is a whiz a photoshop
5. watches the TV show Nip/Tuck religiously
6. plays the cello (which I think fits her personality perfectly)
7. can get bouncy and excited over literary theory
8. submits in the most beautiful fluid shimmering unquiet way
9. once dyed her hair a shockingly loud color
10. likes to eat her m&ms one color at a time
11. sometimes gets a little scared of thunderstorms
12. has a sticker of the Hello Kitty character “Choco-Cat” on her computer monitor
13. claims to be mostly vegetarian, but eats meat most days
14. has exquisite wrists, the insides of which beg to be kissed
15. has a bit of a thing for cowboys
16. has never seen a Johnny Depp movie she didn’t like (so if Mr. Depp were in a cowboy movie, she'd basically be spending all her days and nights at the movie theater)
17. goes weeks at a time without driving her car
18. is very serious about the difference between “discrete” and “discreet,” which is as it should be
19. has the soul of a poet and the reflexes of a ninja
20. pours little or no milk on her cereal
21. likes the room where she sleeps to be very cold
22. is the most generous open-hearted caring person I’ve ever met
23. has been the object of many a teenage crush
24. nearly always does things in the last days or hours before they are due
25. when in the right mood, will masturbate many many times a day
26. slips into a bit of a twangy drawl when sleepy
27. takes naps as often as possible
28. does sudoku puzzles
29. inspired me to start running regularly again
30. gets the hiccups most days
31. has an irrational attraction to Tennyson’s poetry
32. has an irrational attraction to online flash games like tetris and snake and such
33. has a warm melodic voice that makes the earth rotate more slowly on its axis
34. only recently got enough hangers to actually hold all her clothes
35. has a love of language that comes across most obviously when she writes smut
36. once considered being a mathematician
37. is into Japanese anime
38. was a cheerleader (which has certainly changed my mind about the general practice cheerleading and its participants)
39. sings along with raucously whiny emo music at the top of her lungs
40. plays a mean game of scrabble
41. always knows exactly the right words to text to my cell phone to make my stomach tighten with need
42. knows how to knit
43. has travelled abroad more times than I have
44. has travelled around the US much less than I have
45. only recently got a watch that cost more than $5
46. cooks macaroni and cheese for dinner all too frequently
47. grew up in a house with lots of pets, including an iguana
48. will stay up past midnight tonight and phone me before going to bed
49. is mine
50. is loved

Touch

2006-06-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Well my glorious k is finally back on her feet after an illness that really just knocked her out of commission for several days. She actually ended up taking a trip to the doctor for meds that finally brought her out of utter misery. So whew, very glad that whole episode is over and done with.

But there's something that happened during those few days that surprised me, in fact I'm still kind of floored by it.

It should come as no surprise that, being in a long-distance relationship as we are, a huge part of my mental energy is devoted to fantasies of touching her. I imagine the warm supple resilience of her flesh, its soft tenderness under my coarse hands, and of course the feminine sensuality of her lips against mine. And sometimes, when caught up in a scene with her, my senses get so full that it's as if I truly am in contact with her.

So yes, most (but not all) of my thoughts in that direction are sexual in some way. Or if they don't start out that way, they certainly have a tendency to end up there. But the other night, I was talking to poor wretchedly-sick k on the phone, and it was the strongest, most intense feeling of longing for physical contact that I've ever experienced.

It went far beyond any sexual or sensual cravings I've had in the past - I was literally aching to touch her, specifically to hold her in my arms and try to offer some comfort. It was just fundamentally wrong that I was so far away from her. Like fighting gravity. I was incomplete as a human being, like a piece of me had been carved out in the shape of her. My thought process went past the biological and emotional, into something like a moral sphere - being alongside her was right, and all the barriers in the way were wrong.

I've never come quite so close to buying a plane ticket and calling in sick to work.

The feeling has faded somewhat since that intense episode, but the ghost of it lingers in memory. I know now that, no matter how fulfilling and ecstatic and beautiful our long-distance love is, I will need to touch her one day to feel like I have lived. Inevitable.

Threads of Thought

2006-06-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

Apologies in advance for what will likely be one of those rambling posts. Just quick takes on items that I'll do doubt explore in depth later...

My inspiring k is sick. Pobrecita has a croaky sore throat and feels miserable. I really hate that I can't be with her and take care of her. Telling her that I'll reward her somehow for drinking more hot tea just ain't enough. I hate being Useless Dom. Sometimes long-distance relationships really are a bummer.
Over where my luscious k lives, it regularly tops 100 degrees this time of year. Where I am it's rarely broken 70, and it's strangely intriguing to think about that differential. Usually when I imagine myself physically alongside her, it's me being in her hot climate, not her being in my cool foggy atmosphere. Sometimes long-distance relationships really are very ineresting.
Taylor posted here and in a follow-up post about nomenclature like "Sir" and "Master" and stuff, musing aloud about why she reacts differently to different Doms in terms of levels of respect, etc. And she was kind enough to use me as an example. I know she was discussing her personal reactions, and not making sweeping statements or anything, but it always makes me grimace a bit when ideas of ranking and categorization and standards of judgement come up. Unavoidable amongst D/s circles, it seems.
In the same vein, it often piques my interest how, here in the U.S., there seems to be a great correspondence between D/s and social conservatism. Yes, yes, I know there are many many exceptions, but from a completely unscientific sampling of folks I've known over the years, those who crave order and discipline and hierarchy in the bedroom want it in the halls of government as well.
Recently, my beloved k sent me pictures of her new house! I didn't think such a thing could add so much to the way I think about her, but I'm surprised at how quickly my visual cortex latched on. Now in my mind, she's not just laying in bed with her hands plunged between her thighs, thinking of me ... she's laying on that bed with her hands plunged between her thighs, thinking of me. Still trying to figure out why I get a big Keanu-esque "woah" in my brain when I picture that.

So that's about it for now. Will spin out some of these threads during the week, I'm sure. Feel better, my precious k.

Asynchronous Mood

2006-06-06T10:21:00.000-07:00

Well the schedules of my wonderful k and I haven't been lining up so well recently. Her internet connection's been spotty, she's been dealing with moving into her new place, getting settled, adjusting to a new schedule. And of course there have been all sorts of drains on my time as well - the past week hasn't been our best for being together.

So we do what we can. The internet connection thing is actually one of the worst problems, because one of the ways we feel together most when we're apart is by sending lots of emails, writing (including blogging), doing silly online projects, etc. When I see that I got something new in my inbox or that some webpage has been updated, I know she's been thinking of me and "actively" belonging to me. But that hasn't been too easy for her of late. I'm a patient man for the most part. Yes. At least, I think I will be, if I just keep saying that over and over. Very patient. That's me.

Last week on friday afternoon, we had an hour or two free together, and the internet connection was working (yay!), so we got to chat for a good while. My sublime k had people walking around near her computer, though, which meant I had to keep my usual sexual instincts under wraps to a certain extent. So we ended up playing a game of scrabble on yahoo, believe it or not. And really it was the highlight of my weekend, no lie - so much fun to flirt and tease and spell words and be elated and frustrated and just to be with my girl. Only sad things about playing the online version of the game are that it won't count the dirty words (in my estimation, they should count double), and you can't do any form of mutually-agreed-upon cheating. And of course you can't have sex on the scrabble board and pick those little wooden rectangles out of each other's skin after. But still, heck of a lot of fun to be had.

That subbie of mine plays a mean game of scrabble, and isn't one bit shy about showing her Dom the extent of her vocabulary and brilliant tactics.

I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my sweet k in all her triple-word-score glory.

Hard at Work 2

2006-06-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

Following up a little after the previous post, I thought I'd muse a bit on the whole experience of being aroused and horny at the office.

I know most everyone has experienced it - our biology gets in the way of our polite daily interactions all the time. And it's no surprise that, in an era when people spend so much time at work, that office-related objects/tasks/situations/people become sexualized and fetishized. It's only natural: our imaginations have to draw from the world around us, and increasingly that world includes a fax machine and an ergonomic chair.

Something that makes it different these days, of course, is the easy access to the internet which many people have at work. So long as you're fairly certain your boss isn't monitoring your computer use (actually far from certain, but that's another issue), you can email, check out websites, and yes even blog to your heart's content. Or until that big project is due. Or until someone peeks over your shoulder. Plus there's the proliferation of cell-phones, meaning you're not on the company's dime (and phone log) when you make a call. And those cell phones are pretty great gadgets nowadays with text messaging and built-in cameras and all. So even if you don't have internet access on a work computer, you've got a great communication device in your pocket too.

I know, I hear you all saying: But Irch, I already knew this - where is your trademark ageless wisdom, witty insight, and tantalizing je ne sais quoi? Yep, I'm pretty sure that's what I hear you saying.

Power dynamics are always on display in a workplace. Even if you work for yourself, or in some utopian co-op commune, there are not-so-subtle power negotiations always going on. The biggest and most basic one being that you are making a bargain to trade your time, effort, and expertise to a person/corporation/entity for the ability to eat and have shelter. At work, we have restrictions on time and space and activity that we don't have in the rest of our lives. So it's no surprise that D/s thoughts come to mind frequently.

Or maybe I'm just a pervert.

Another thing that I really like about worktime teasing is that it feels very much like my k and I are a real-life couple in the usual sense. If we actually were living together, or dating face-to-face, we'd still have these moments apart when we were working, and I think they wouldn't be too different from the way they are currently. Lots of teasing and silliness, lots of lust-heavy comments and innuendo, the occasional command to do something, and even frantic heated text-message, IM, and phone sex when possible. So I treasure the times we get to exchange messages from work, because there's a kind of special contentment I get from it - the knowledge that if and when delicious k and I move into a real-life relationship, this aspect will likely remain the same. It's a feeling of continuity, or at least potential continuity, which appeals to me.

The upshot of all this rambling: I simply can never stop thinking about my amazing woman. Everything circles back to her, all thoughts gravitating to k, the constant among a million independent variables.

Hard At Work

2006-05-31T14:25:00.000-07:00

Today I indulged in a little play with my luscious k from work. Something I do from time to time, but not as often as I like, for obvious reasons. It started out with some of our usual banter and teasing with a few short emails and text messages, then progressed into something more intense.

Pretty soon I was taking my lunchbreak, and we were texting back and forth so furiously my fingers started to cramp up, but of course I'm hardly gonna let that stop me. There was no place for me to go to phone her and bring her to climax that way, so I kept up with the texting and it got to where it was approximating a scene we might have in IM, but at a slower, more protracted tempo. Someday I may have to blog here about techniques for text-message sex lol. One thing for sure is that having a long history of IM/chatroom scenes together really makes it flow more easily.

Anyhow, we got to a point where we were both beyond a certain point and I sadly had to get back to work (if only to pay the phone bill for said text messages), so I told my darling delicious irresistible k to call and leave me a voicemail message of her climax.

And woah she sure did.

So I'm here at work for a while longer, hard as steel and just humming with desire for the woman who submits so beautifully to me. I listened to that message a few minutes ago, and came so very close to climaxing from the sound of her shuddering sighing breaths alone. I need that girl. She may not know it yet, but later tonight she is going to twist and arch and writhe under my hand, splay open to my touch, surrender and unravel in my embrace.

*checking the clock to see how close it is to quitting time*